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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm so worried about my 16yo son

62 replies

MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 21:55

He's just had the mother of all rages at me. This is because I asked him to stop playing FIFA because he was getting shouty and sweary. He's hit me several times on the arm (it's ok no bruising), grabbed me and pushed me into the sofa, hit me with cushions and spat in my face whilst screaming and told me it's all my fault. I wasn't saying anything except we'll talk about it tomorrow. There is of course loads of background, huge insecurities and bullying at school in younger years, anxiety and sleep issues, inability to deal with stress of exams too I think. Any boundaries at the moment lead to reactions like this, huge tantrums basically. I have two younger children (13yo twins) who are not like this at all and never have been. They have moments but it's not like this.

I'm really worried about his mental health and also wondering about ASD as he displays a lot of signs but I don't know how to even begin getting him diagnosed at this point. He was diagnosed with ADD so it could be this rather than ASD. It could be mental health issues.. It could be all of it.

Where do I start?

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 01/04/2022 22:04

Where is he now ?

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 22:05

He is downstairs. Dh got him to watch TV with him. He has stopped ranting.

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 01/04/2022 22:07

Where do you start? Get rid of his Playstation.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 22:08

(I asked DH not to get involved as DS gets even worse if we 'gang up', which happened last weekend. Also his relationship with Dh isn't good - due to this and Dh coming from a very authoritarian culture.)

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 22:09

Are you okay?
I’d contact your gp and the school for support.
Your gp and school can push on with referrals for him and get you support.
I know he will have a lot going on but physically acting out when in a rage is not safe for you or your other children and of course you’d be worried about him how he is feeling.
Do you have a contact for his ADD- is there a specialist teacher or support worker available for him?

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 22:10

@TheOccupier

Where do you start? Get rid of his Playstation.
Ok. I was thinking about that. At the moment it is the only way he 'relaxes' but it doesn't seem relaxing.
OP posts:
TheBigDilemma · 01/04/2022 22:13

Get rid of the Xbox, or put it away for six months. I have never seen a single case when removing the Xbox has not resulted in a lot of positive outcomes. From being less stressed to interacting more with the family or becoming better at communication.

You should not remove it forever but you need to if you want your child to ever learn that his actions do have consequences, he shouldn’t get to attack his mother and then having daddy being nice to him because he is upset.

We have ASD running in the family, the hell we would put up with someone who has escaped a diagnose to teenage behaving as horrible like this.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 22:14

@Hiddenvoice

Are you okay? I’d contact your gp and the school for support. Your gp and school can push on with referrals for him and get you support. I know he will have a lot going on but physically acting out when in a rage is not safe for you or your other children and of course you’d be worried about him how he is feeling. Do you have a contact for his ADD- is there a specialist teacher or support worker available for him?
I'm ok. I'm tearful and very worried about him. I don't fear for myself right now but I fear that he's getting worse and where it could go. I feel very shaken up and unsure on what will help or make things worse and what he needs.

He doesn't have a support worker. He's very good in school in terms of behavior, although not confident and doesn't join in with classes but he never gets into trouble. He's average academically and doesn't draw any attention to himself. He gets the 25% extra time but that's all the support he gets.

Can I go to the GP without him?

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 22:21

The scary thing is that he will rewrite it all in his head. Nothing is EVER his fault, he will blame anyone but if it's impossible to blame someone else he actually rewrites what's happened. And yet he's extremely insecure, he puts himself down a lot too in terms of his abilities.

Dh wasn't really nice to him. He was fuming but he got him to sit down and distract him with TV till we can talk about this.

OP posts:
sharpenyourknives · 01/04/2022 22:26

Oh OP I'm sorry, this kind of behaviour is hard on the whole family. I have had very similar experiences the last 18 months. My son has ADHD and anxiety and depression. The real game changer for us was getting him to take his ADHD meds, as they really help with emotional regulation. We are still finding our way through this but I think remaining stable and calm and having boundaries has really helped. And not escalating things at the worst moments...I say I love you and I can see you're upset, I'll let you calm down and we can talk later....this approach is working better than my previous angle of trying to talk it all through when he was raging.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 22:36

Thanks, that's so so helpful. Dh are talking and just so sad. Emotional regulation, it's exactly that. He just has none. Maybe the GP can help with this. How old is your son?

OP posts:
sharpenyourknives · 01/04/2022 22:42

17

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 22:47

About the same age then. Ds is Y11. He'll be 17 in Nov. He was diagnosed in Y3 with the ADD. How is your son in school? Ds seems to be controlled in school and just take it all out on us. He used to lose it in Reception though. I remember his teacher saying she had to splash water in his face because he lost it when they 'tidied' something he was building and broke it up. He was in lots of trouble in Reception but then he found a way to control it at school but the home meltdowns were awful during term time. He's had better and worse periods. Obviously GCSEs seem to be a massive trigger Lockdown was a dream come true for him! He was so relaxed and happy.

OP posts:
Noodle421 · 01/04/2022 22:49

Similar happened with my son. It’s known as ‘fifa rage’ apparently. My son, when aged 16 threw heavy objects at the wall and and turned the air blue with swear words and had the potential to become violent if confronted while playing. We as parents despaired as to what to do. Removing it wasn’t the easy option either. It was a nightmare, a headache but my son is now a very well adjusted 21 year old who is thriving at university with a large network of friends and a steady girlfriend. We can now look back and laugh but it’s taken a long time.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 22:53

It used to be Fortnite rage and then he stopped playing it. Did you remove the Xbox?

OP posts:
Noodle421 · 01/04/2022 23:06

My younger child, currently in first year of A levels - has also started screaming in rage as if possessed while playing fifa and he’s wrecked a clothes horse out of sheer frustration …. but he’s very peaceful and calm in all other aspects of life and hadn't broken anything else because he knows he totally overstepped the mark. It’s a double edged sword. Both my boys have been very happy playing online with school friends - and it was brilliant for them maintaining friendships and a means of relaxation through lockdown - but it seems to be the tournaments (when they are playing the computer) that seem to be the problem. My eldest son said one of his friends ( very lovely non violent boy) smashed a console in rage - I mentioned ‘fifa rage’ to a psychologist friend and she said it would be an interesting area of research. My boys have been far more wired up playing this than any of the ‘killing’ shooting games. Interesting ! Please don’t jump to conclusion that your son has huge psychological issues

Noodle421 · 01/04/2022 23:16

No - after much deliberation and taking into account many things to consider we didn’t remove the X-box. It was never that simple, although that seems the obvious answer. We sweated, it caused rows between us as a couple. I worried our sons would be be at home aged 30 still playing in a darkened room…. but no, eldest 2 have out grown it, both did well at school exams and are now at Uni and as a result I’m now more relaxed with number 3 going through the screaming, shouting, swearing, banging fists stage … we just shut all the doors so we can’t hear and keep our fingers crossed the neighbours don’t call the police . It really did cause us huge stress in the early years. We never knew if we were doing the right thing, it was very stressful and I often fantasised about taking an axe to the X box. I can empathise with what you are going through

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 01/04/2022 23:20

Please don’t jump to conclusion that your son has huge psychological issues

Thanks. It's good he's not alone, although he's had these rages throughout his life at different times. It's definitely been worse with the Xbox (it was Fortnite originally), and particularly bad tonight, but he may also get 'ragey' if his brother is deliberately winding him up, or his Dad is trying to teach him Maths, or the internet freezes in a game. My other son plays Fifa and he does get annoyed at times. He might shout or hit the desk sometimes (rarely to be honest), but it's nothing like the complete and utter loss of any control of my eldest.

Do you think I should remove the Xbox till exams are over? (End of June).

OP posts:
Nannyamc · 01/04/2022 23:29

I have reared teenagers through various stages. They can rant and rage for nothing sometimes. We always stuck together my dh and I and somehow they backed off. United front.

EmmaH2022 · 01/04/2022 23:33

Has he hit you before?

OldWivesTale · 01/04/2022 23:38

Adhd and Fifa are a really bad combination. My ds has broken tvs and punched the wall whilst playing FIFA - it's worse than all the other xbox games by far. Obviously the underlying problem is the adhd or possible asd but I would ban FIFA - we had to - but not the xbox altogether.

Teenylittlefella · 01/04/2022 23:40

Why not talk to him tomorrow? Tell him it was upsetting to see him so angry and you are frightened at how much he lost control. Ask him if he has any ideas of how to handle it. Tell him you have considered removing the x box until after exams but you also realised it's an outlet for him in a stressful time, and see if he can come up with any compromises. You never know, he might surprise you.

I think at 16 they are too old for "laying down the law". Discussion and compromise are much better teaching tools. It teaches how to negotiate, discuss opposing viewpoints calmly, and be respectful of each other. Only use it when calm. When out for a drive is ideal; neither of you can go anywhere and no eye contact is expected.

Noodle421 · 01/04/2022 23:43

My instinct is to cut him some slack (but I can’t say because he’s not my child). Sounds like it’s taking a lot of energy for him to hold it together in school and at home he can let it all out which is a compliment to you, he feels safe enough to do this. We had years of older son exhibiting slightly neurodiverse stressful behaviours but found confiscating type ‘punishments’ counter productive and made life harder for both him and us in the long run. He’d just refuse to do anything. It’s very difficult because they need boundaries too. Your son is going through stressful exams and at home has the usual sibling issues and also parents who are presumably also stressing about his exams … he’s coping with a lot of noise both at school and home. You might not get the best out of him by confiscating

Noodle421 · 01/04/2022 23:53

With my older, more stress-y son, we came to the agreement that he could play Fifa with school friends but not the tournaments ( silent play against the computer) which seemed to cause the problem. He was happy with this compromise

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 02/04/2022 05:55

Noodle and teeny, that's great advice. Yes, it's so hard to get the boundaries right when his self esteem is already rock bottom. I will chat to him tomorrow. I've woken in the night with my heart racing. Yes, he has hit me before and will have consequences such as no Xbox for a week or loss of phone but the punishments don't count when he is in such a place because he is not rational. I believe he has a certain amount if control though. I bought him a 'new' chest of drawers because his old one got 'broken' (to be fair it was also secondhand and not great quality, Ikea). He used to go to his room to calm down but this would involve banging or throwing things in his room. Now he is scared to break the new one or damage his wall so he doesn't go up but it is then escalating more. We definitely need some strategies.

OP posts: