I'm so worried about my 16yo son

[MerryMarigold]

He's just had the mother of all rages at me. This is because I asked him to stop playing FIFA because he was getting shouty and sweary. He's hit me several times on the arm (it's ok no bruising), grabbed me and pushed me into the sofa, hit me with cushions and spat in my face whilst screaming and told me it's all my fault. I wasn't saying anything except we'll talk about it tomorrow. There is of course loads of background, huge insecurities and bullying at school in younger years, anxiety and sleep issues, inability to deal with stress of exams too I think. Any boundaries at the moment lead to reactions like this, huge tantrums basically. I have two younger children (13yo twins) who are not like this at all and never have been. They have moments but it's not like this.

I'm really worried about his mental health and also wondering about ASD as he displays a lot of signs but I don't know how to even begin getting him diagnosed at this point. He was diagnosed with ADD so it could be this rather than ASD. It could be mental health issues.. It could be all of it.

Where do I start?

I think I would start by removing FIFA .
If things don't improve then Xbox would have to go.

@Elsiebear90

I think this needs a much much more serious punishment than Xbox removed for a week, he’s 16 and assaulted you numerous times, shoved you around and spat in your face over an Xbox game, thats absolutely disgusting. I would have called the police, autism or not, he knows right from wrong at that age.

I pity any woman he ends up with because he seems to have no issue resorting to violence against women as said he’s done this before. I’m guess he doesn’t do this to your husband?

I think you’re being far far too lenient, he needs to know violence is absolutely unacceptable, his behaviour is shameful and will face serious consequences.

💯

I’m sorry OP that you’re going through this. I’ve got teens, familiar with the Fifa rage but I agree with others, he’s massively crossed a line here with his violence towards you.

I don’t think taking the PlayStation away is any where approaching enough. I’m not sure I’d call the police in this scenario but I think you need to get school and social services involved, the fact that you say he wouldn’t be violent towards anyone outside the family is not reassuring and it reads as though he directs most, if not all of it at you, as opposed to his Dad or his brother.

For his own sake and anyone he has relationships with in the future he needs to really understand now that this is a completely unacceptable way to deal with anger and he’s likely to end up in prison cell and cause terrible harm if he carries on along this path.

It would be straight in the bin if it’s making him that angry. Totally unacceptable

@urrrgh46

Read the explosive child. We had similar issues (not related to Xbox or PlayStation) when DD was 13 - we didn't realise at the time she has autism and made things much worse meaning I was being attacked by her. We have other children with autism and a couple of them are explosive if anxiety peaks so it's always best to avoid it if possible. I have a rule with our DS who has ADHD if I hear him getting shouty and sweary on the PlayStation he'll get a warning that he needs to tone it down. If it goes on he knows he'll be made to come off it. With autism (please refrain from using ASD to describe people as autistic people are very often insulted by the term) it is usually counter productive to remove their security blankets (screen, Xbox, books etc)

There’s nothing wrong with ASD as a term, how bloody ridiculous (apart from the grammatical sin of describing people as ASD, as in ‘he’s ASD’ rather than ‘he has ASD’). I wish this absurd policing of language by the ‘autism community’ - ie a subset of autistics, many of them ‘self diagnosed’, who spend their lives online quibbling over trivial shit and haranguing anyone who doesn’t conform to their list of approved vocabulary - would stop. There are sensible autistics out there, but we’re being drowned out online by this very vocal keyboard warrior ‘activism’ - it’s such nonsense.

Some stuff in your posts about your son pings my A-dar, @MerryMarigold - the food issues, liking the predictability of McDonalds, the problems with transitions and change, etc. I’d get him assessed for ASD, if I were you.

Also, that level of rage is totally unacceptable, whatever the cause. He was violent towards you and the police should have been called.

There’s nothing wrong with ASD as a term, how bloody ridiculous (apart from the grammatical sin of describing people as ASD, as in ‘he’s ASD’ rather than ‘he has ASD’). I wish this absurd policing of language by the ‘autism community’ - ie a subset of autistics, many of them ‘self diagnosed’, who spend their lives online quibbling over trivial shit and haranguing anyone who doesn’t conform to their list of approved vocabulary - would stop. There are sensible autistics out there, but we’re being drowned out online by this very vocal keyboard warrior ‘activism’ - it’s such nonsense.

It's crazy isn't it? Being told not to use the terminology on your actual diagnosis paperwork!

@ididntevennotice

There’s nothing wrong with ASD as a term, how bloody ridiculous (apart from the grammatical sin of describing people as ASD, as in ‘he’s ASD’ rather than ‘he has ASD’). I wish this absurd policing of language by the ‘autism community’ - ie a subset of autistics, many of them ‘self diagnosed’, who spend their lives online quibbling over trivial shit and haranguing anyone who doesn’t conform to their list of approved vocabulary - would stop. There are sensible autistics out there, but we’re being drowned out online by this very vocal keyboard warrior ‘activism’ - it’s such nonsense.

It's crazy isn't it? Being told not to use the terminology on your actual diagnosis paperwork!

It’s absolutely bonkers, and makes autistics look ridiculous, imo.

My diagnosis is ASD - that’s what’s on my paperwork (and the clinician told me I have ‘Asperger’s Syndrome, in old money). My daughter’s diagnosis is actually Asperger’s Syndrome, and god help her if she mentioned that in most autism groups - she’d get labelled a ‘LITERAL NAZI’ and get told how she’d triggered people into ‘literally shaking and crying rn’.

Ok. You need to wait until he is calm.

You all need to talk

Remove the PlayStation as a punishment which he can earn back if he is kind and calm all week
With the condition that if it happens again it will be removed for another week and so on. Do not give in on this. He is seeking security and he needs clear boundaries

You need a referral from the go to access support tell him you suspect asd. Also contact Scholl and ask to speak to the Sen coordinator

This is what the OP said he did:-

He's hit me several times on the arm (it's ok no bruising), grabbed me and pushed me into the sofa, hit me with cushions and spat in my face whilst screaming and told me it's all my fault. I wasn't saying anything except we'll talk about it tomorrow

I’m so shocked by various posters saying take the console away for week/have chat when he’s calm/let him earn it back. I’ve got a teen and I’ve removed the PlayStation when he’s really rude/doesn’t homework etc but what OPs son has done is beyond usual teenage behaviour, the vast majority of his peers will not be assaulting their Mums.

I really really think you need some outside help with this. It might well be there is a reason for the lack of control but it sounds like he needs help and he has to understand how serious it is and that it cannot happen again.

@Brushteethwashface

Agreed. This is full scale violence and needs to be addressed as such.

2 issues

1. He's on the cusp of adulthood and if he is not reigned in now he risks getting himself into very serious trouble, convictions etc

1. He hurt the OP physically and emotionally. She was afraid in her own home. God knows what he might do next time he's "upset"

This is not about a bloody PlayStation, this is about a young man who needs to learn to control his rage before he causes serious harm to someone and wrecks his own life.

Thanks for all your thoughts. Sorry I've been away. It's just so hard to know how to handle this, I have been delaying it and since we're away he's great no access to Xbox anyway but I have said it's not forgotten and there will be consequences.

On the one hand, I don't want to stress him out even more at a time he is already very very stressed (involving police, talking about getting him an ASD diagnosis). I also don't want to make him feel even worse about himself than he does already. On the other hand, his reactions were very wrong and need to be treated as such. I have told him I could have called the police and they would take it seriously. The Xbox will be going for this week and then no more FIFA. I will also be contacting GP but not involving DS yet.

For those who say he would do not this to his Dad or brother, he would. I have had to physically intervene at times as this could easily become assault on both sides once all the testosterone is kicking in. To be honest, I'm more worried that in the lack of emotional regulation he will hurt himself.

He's just asked to play a game with me. I said yes and he says, "Any game with mum is a win." He can be so sweet and is extremely sensitive to any anger or dislike. He's like Jekyll and Hyde.