I think I hate my teenager daughter

[Dantepeak]

I know I sound like a bad mother, but I think I hate my teenager daughter, don’t get me wrong I love her but Tbh I think she a narcissist. She doesn’t care about authority, never listens to me, never listens to her teachers She so rude, she never reflects on her behaviour, never says sorry, she lies all the time, and Gas lights everyone, steals from my purse, doesn’t respect any of my own personal things, doesn’t respect our household. never helps around the house, bully’s her younger sister, any trouble at school she always has to be apart of it. Doesn’t care that’s the school is going to fine me for her being late all the time. Acts so entitled. She only ever nice to me when she wants something, if I don’t give it to her she has a tantrum and back to being horrible, and if I do give it to her then after she receive it she back to being horrible. Her older brother doesn’t like her, they never talk, my mum finds her to rude, and she just uses her dad for what can get from him (were not together) everyone keeps telling me she just a teenager, but I’ve been putting up with this for the last 5yrs, I’ve even ask the school do you think she has ODD, with no real response. I don’t know what to do with her, I don’t like her, I hate spending time with her, and often have thoughts of just calling social service to take her.

Hi I just wanted to say hi. You might find MAST helpful? Google your MAST for your local area

Thank you, I will have a look.

Sorry OP that sounds really rough.

Has she always been so challenging or did it start during puberty?

If you can afford it I’d try and get a private appointment with a counsellor to assess if she needs any mental health support.

If it’s behavioural you might have to swallow your (understandable) frustrations and try and develop a more positive relationship (easier said than done of course).

OP I have had similar feelings in the past, its a horrible. I want to tell you that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. My child is now a young adult and has turned into a lovely human being, who is excelling I life and we get on great. I had a family support worker who helped build up our damaged relationship. My child has disruptive and couldn't take authority. Once they left school, things did change. Some kids just don't get on with a school environment, but in my experience it doesn't mean they won't in the real world.

They way got through it was to stop fighting it as much. It didn't work to fight and it was damaging our relationship. Not everyone will agree but for us it worked in our favour.

My Daughter is 13yrs old and has the same attitude, her whole personality has changed. She is cruel, unkind, lacks empathy. She is rude and selfish, I feel so sad that she is behaving like this. I've just arranged for her to see a child psychologist as she's now self harming (she tells me "it's not a big deal, loads of girls do it"😞) im devastated. I feel guilty and that I am to blame. I will let you know how we get on and if the support helps. I often get upset at the breakdown of our relationship as I live her so much but she tells me I'm pathetic and making it all about me 😞. Teenage girls are hard work!;

Solidarity to everyone on here!

This is a very helpful listen:

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-wonder-of-the-teenage-brain/id1567190358?i=1000523246143

Could you send her to.live with her dad? Maybe she will benefit from a change.

I've got a son like that and he's only ten. I'm hoping that when he develops a teenage brain he will grow out of it like his brother did. It's horrible and awful to be in such a situation with your own child. It's like being trapped with a domestic abusers that you can't get rid of.

Sympathy and empathy in bucketloads from me too. I very definitely have compassion fatigue towards my 13 year old. She's vile to me 80% of the time. Also a single mum so the only respite I have from her is when she goes to stay with her dad.

I'll join the club

@mumofblu

I'll join the club

Me too. We have had a particularly rough week here

As a parent of three now grown up children with little ones of their own now but remembering the teenage years well, I would say that provided there are no underlying problems and it is just a teenager being a teenager, you have to put feelings aside here.

Yes of course you love them but you don't have to like them when they behave like this.

They need boundaries that cannot be crossed or there will be consequences that you have to carry out and see through. They have to learn respect.

When someone bites the hand that feeds them, stop all treats. take phones away, the internet- anything they value.

Give chores which have to be done or no pocket money handed over.

Be harsh. They are !

I'm having the same, told friends and husband how she 's making me feel but all I get is, 'she does her homework, she gets up to go to school, she's got herself a job', whatever moaning abou? However, at bome she speaks to me like I'm nothing, doesn't help around the house. She's nearly 17 and doing A levels but really only there to socialise. She seems to lack empathy and sensitivity. Like someone else said,,only nice when she wants something. It's ok, those saying, its only a teenage thing they're no longer children, you're living with a young adult, who is making your home life hell. We all know that if your home life is not good, everything can fail. I absolutely hate it, I can't see it changing, this seems to be her personality. I don't know what I've done wrong, all I know is that I'm not the mum I wanted to be. I try not to react but sometimes I just can't, she just as this 'air about her, she wouldn't be someone I'd choose to have in my friendship group. I do hope it changes but it's been a good few years now.

Narcissistic traits in teenage years are extremely common and generally tend to decrease as they mature. NPD often occurs when there has been emotional abuse or emotional neglect. Has she always felt safe, had consistent boundaries which were fairly enforced, felt supported and listened to?

I'd say your daughter is really struggling and probably has extremely low self esteem exacerbated by the fact that she is aware that she is disliked by everyone. How is she at school? What are her friends like? She has no idea how to get herself out of this cycle and understandably nor do you - she really needs a lot of help IMO, she also desperately needs to feel loved and of value. She acts entitled because she is trying to demonstrate (and make herself believe) that she has some worth. It's a shame she didn't get more help when this started 5 years ago, as they become teens it's much harder to reverse IMO. She needs love and she needs to find something positive that she is good at to help build her self esteem.

My teen is the same, I dislike him immensely, rude, entitled, lazy and just plain awful. Toxic XP in the frame who stirs the pot (he pays for absolutely nothing).

Frankly I am just hoping that the next two years fly by. I've tried counselling (for him) but he didn't engage, paid for tutors in a couple of subjects he struggles with. He doesn't give a stuff about anything. Seems to be a reasonable human being elsewhere but absolutely vile to me which is a choice at some point.

I feel like his behaviour will affect our future relationship now. I can't see past it tbh.

Can I join the club. Ds is 17 and lazy, blames every one for his problems never takes responsibility. Expects every thing for nothing and massive tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. He can be nice but then he's nasty when things don't go his way. Breaking things in mood. He also lies all the time. I feel like I hate him too and worry about the adult he is going to become.

Anybody got any tips to share about how not to want to throw them out or get them taken into SS care?

It's really tough.
I'm sure my DM hated me during my teenage years.
I was really suffering from the change in hormones, diagnosed with pmdd as an adult.
We had a complete turnaround sometime in my 20's we'd a beautiful deep loving relationship up until she died.
I genuinely think she saw herself in me in a different era.
My point is all is not lost.
My advice is to pick your battles carefully, step right back and have minium conversations with her.
Mostly let her know you're stepping back and you're here if she needs you easiest by letter or text.
The teenage years can be the hardest of all the years we're on earth.

My biggest worry is he's going to be loving at home forever because he is smoking weed, skipping college, not bothered with a part time job etc he does nothing.

I think you’re really brave to write all that down OP.
I have no real advice but rude, uncaring teenagers can change as they grow up.
The only thing I can think of is - don’t engage when she is rude. Say something like ‘I’ll talk to you when you can be polite’.
When she is rude ‘grey rock’ her - say very little. As I said, don’t engage.

I caught my father cheating on my mum when I was 16, two weeks before my sister’s big wedding.

From then on, I was treated just like you describe your daughter as behaving, @Dantepeak, only I wasn’t.

I wasn’t the bad guy — my dad was. And when I finally told my mum, she acted like it was no big deal. I still don’t think my sister knows, and it happened decades ago.

It isn’t always the kid. I got perfect grades in school, had an after-school job, and did all the chores required at home.
I even had a vengeful dad — woohoo.

I would put her up for adoption.

My biggest worry is he's going to be loving at home forever because he is smoking weed, skipping college, not bothered with a part time job etc he does nothing.
Don't allow him.
I get it's easy said but he won't change without tough love, so many young people are addicted to weed, smoking their life away.
Unless he has real responsibility he's no reason to change.