I think I hate my teenager daughter

[Dantepeak]

I know I sound like a bad mother, but I think I hate my teenager daughter, don’t get me wrong I love her but Tbh I think she a narcissist. She doesn’t care about authority, never listens to me, never listens to her teachers She so rude, she never reflects on her behaviour, never says sorry, she lies all the time, and Gas lights everyone, steals from my purse, doesn’t respect any of my own personal things, doesn’t respect our household. never helps around the house, bully’s her younger sister, any trouble at school she always has to be apart of it. Doesn’t care that’s the school is going to fine me for her being late all the time. Acts so entitled. She only ever nice to me when she wants something, if I don’t give it to her she has a tantrum and back to being horrible, and if I do give it to her then after she receive it she back to being horrible. Her older brother doesn’t like her, they never talk, my mum finds her to rude, and she just uses her dad for what can get from him (were not together) everyone keeps telling me she just a teenager, but I’ve been putting up with this for the last 5yrs, I’ve even ask the school do you think she has ODD, with no real response. I don’t know what to do with her, I don’t like her, I hate spending time with her, and often have thoughts of just calling social service to take her.

[ThuMuClu]

My 16 year old son is vile. He’s always had argumentative traits but since he’s been a teenager, he’s been a million times worse. He is suspected ASD but he won’t engage in any kind of assessment. The things he says to me are so cruel they literally take my breath away. I’m on my own with my two, with an ex who lives miles away and has only ever made it worse. DS has now decided to take up smoking weed right as his exams start. I’ve tried so hard to be supportive and loving in the face of all these challenges and see his horrible behaviour as a cry for help. But a few days ago I saw a message on his phone he’s sent about me, saying how easy I was to make cry and guilt trip, and it has funnily enough made me less upset - because instead of tying myself up in knots trying to support him and worry about his feelings, I am now disengaging and being firmer on consequences. It’s so sad though because long term I worry about the adult he will become. His sibling is a caring and thoughtful child who suffers so much from his brother. It’s just so sad.

[rhetorician]

I have one of these. But has always been hard work - and has asd. I try very hard not to lose my cool and often just walk away rather than engage. But it's exhausting and humiliating and I know other parents just feel sorry for us. It's my younger dd I really feel for - she is so lovely and kind and just doesn't deserve to be around this unpleasant, rude, aggressive person all the time. Luckily she has a lovely group of friends who all support each other.

[rhetorician]

Also wish that kid could compute that pissing people off is not an effective life strategy

[Pinkfrog74]

Ohhh, I hear you clearly on this subject. Both of my teenagers have gone from good primary kids to absolute assh*les! One was expelled, the other is heading in that direction, I'm perimenopausal and a couple of weeks ago could easily have taken my life (I'm also single and work full time). I'm done, I hope they return to being nice and develop into decent adults, right now though, I'm not so sure!

[Turquoisesea]

I’m so sorry to hear that @Pinkfrog74 it is so incredibly hard. I’m also peri menopausal and have a DD14 who has got in with the wrong crowd and is absolutely awful to be around right now. It’s really affecting my mental health too but I’m trying really to step back a bit but it’s hard when you see your children turn into people you don’t recognise. I think try and look after yourself as much as possible which is easier said than done and hope they come out the other side!

[Ottersmith]

Have you heard of PDA or ASD in girls? Massively high anxiety and worry, feeling worthless and thinking other are leys treated better, meltdowns or tantrums at home, issues with food and control. The symptoms of this are the same as borderline personality disorder but that's not a helpful diagnosis, the world is waking up to it being a spectrum thing with girls.

I don't think cancelling her USA trip would help at all. You could stop her from comin to family outings though if she just ruins them. Ask her if she really wants to go and she probably doesn't as it seems to cause her massive stress. Don't even bring her on holiday if you don't want to. I think there's a PDA Facebook group where you can hear other people's stories and see if they relate. parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/additional-needs-disabilities/support-home-school/support-pda/

[BeeBB]

How are things now OP and others?

Just reading through your post and a lot of it sounds familiar except my DD now just turned 18 still in 6th form is extremely quiet and knows how to behave at school so just slips under the radar to avoid any unwanted attention. She wants to go to Uni and has offers but I am worried she will cut contact and loose touch with us when she goes.

I also often feel like a bad mother, like you I love my daughter. But mostly I feel I am treading on eggshells with her and I have failed her. She makes lies up all the time and hides things from us. Like your DD our DD ‘…never says sorry, she lies all the time, and Gas lights (me) doesn’t respect any of my own personal things, doesn’t respect our household. never helps around the house’ and she is ‘…only ever nice to me when she wants something, if I don’t give it to her she has a tantrum and back to being horrible, and if I do give it to her then after she receive it she back to being horrible’.

I don’t know whether it is because she is gay (possibly in a relationship with her best and main friend or confused about her gender etc). She used to be pretty slim with long hair and has always preferred comfortable non revealing clothes. Over the past 18 months she has gone up several dress sizes, her face is very spotty and bloated, her diet is appalling and beige’, she wears very oversize mens clothes, her hair is a mess its still long (she refuses to have it cut and washes it and lets it dry in a towel then severely ties it back in a severe unflattering pony tail). Her shoulders and upper arms are massive but she doesn’t go to a gym.

I tell her I love her and try and keep the relationship open and be available to her but it is hard work.

[supravit]

@BeeBB

How are things now OP and others?

Just reading through your post and a lot of it sounds familiar except my DD now just turned 18 still in 6th form is extremely quiet and knows how to behave at school so just slips under the radar to avoid any unwanted attention. She wants to go to Uni and has offers but I am worried she will cut contact and loose touch with us when she goes.

I also often feel like a bad mother, like you I love my daughter. But mostly I feel I am treading on eggshells with her and I have failed her. She makes lies up all the time and hides things from us. Like your DD our DD ‘…never says sorry, she lies all the time, and Gas lights (me) doesn’t respect any of my own personal things, doesn’t respect our household. never helps around the house’ and she is ‘…only ever nice to me when she wants something, if I don’t give it to her she has a tantrum and back to being horrible, and if I do give it to her then after she receive it she back to being horrible’.

I don’t know whether it is because she is gay (possibly in a relationship with her best and main friend or confused about her gender etc). She used to be pretty slim with long hair and has always preferred comfortable non revealing clothes. Over the past 18 months she has gone up several dress sizes, her face is very spotty and bloated, her diet is appalling and beige’, she wears very oversize mens clothes, her hair is a mess its still long (she refuses to have it cut and washes it and lets it dry in a towel then severely ties it back in a severe unflattering pony tail). Her shoulders and upper arms are massive but she doesn’t go to a gym.

I tell her I love her and try and keep the relationship open and be available to her but it is hard work.

how dare she be gay and have short hair

[BeeBB]

@supravit meow!!!

Thanks for jumping in and for your short and unsympathetic response. Thank you for copying my post but you might have been better to actually read it first and think how stressful our home life is at times with my daughter. NB I don’t know whether or not she is gay yet or whether she is just completely shunning and going against the current popular pouty porn star look favoured by many of her peers. But as per my post and her her is still long ‘she wears it in a pony tail’ as mentioned in my post above that you have kindly copied but not read fully understood or grasped properly.

[supravit]

Complaining about your daughters sexuality and hairstyle is still a shitty thing to do

[SammyScrounge]

@supravit

how dare she be gay and have short hair

What an odd response.

[BeeBB]

@supravit it was just to give some context/background i.e. she is maybe mixed up about her sexuality and feelings and the comments about her hairstyle was about her appearance rather than my complaining.
She has bad skin a lot of spots, overeats so has put on a lot of weight which I haven’t said anything about and doesn’t really make any effort whatsoever with her appearance etc.

[Lovemusic33]

@BeeBB

How are things now OP and others?

Just reading through your post and a lot of it sounds familiar except my DD now just turned 18 still in 6th form is extremely quiet and knows how to behave at school so just slips under the radar to avoid any unwanted attention. She wants to go to Uni and has offers but I am worried she will cut contact and loose touch with us when she goes.

I also often feel like a bad mother, like you I love my daughter. But mostly I feel I am treading on eggshells with her and I have failed her. She makes lies up all the time and hides things from us. Like your DD our DD ‘…never says sorry, she lies all the time, and Gas lights (me) doesn’t respect any of my own personal things, doesn’t respect our household. never helps around the house’ and she is ‘…only ever nice to me when she wants something, if I don’t give it to her she has a tantrum and back to being horrible, and if I do give it to her then after she receive it she back to being horrible’.

I don’t know whether it is because she is gay (possibly in a relationship with her best and main friend or confused about her gender etc). She used to be pretty slim with long hair and has always preferred comfortable non revealing clothes. Over the past 18 months she has gone up several dress sizes, her face is very spotty and bloated, her diet is appalling and beige’, she wears very oversize mens clothes, her hair is a mess its still long (she refuses to have it cut and washes it and lets it dry in a towel then severely ties it back in a severe unflattering pony tail). Her shoulders and upper arms are massive but she doesn’t go to a gym.

I tell her I love her and try and keep the relationship open and be available to her but it is hard work.

She sounds similar to my dd and many of her friends. My dd is in her first year at uni and I hardly ever hear from her, she doesn’t contact me unless she wants/needs something. Dd has always been a bit selfish and not really bothered about my feelings but then she didn’t chose to be born or have me as a parent. She was well behaved at school but had no friends until year 13, she’s now at uni and has found her people and I am no longer important (unless needed). The teen years are hard but I hang on to the hope that I will get my kind caring dd back at some point.

[BeeBB]

@Lovemusic33 this will be me and mine next year when she goes off to Uni. My DD was the loveliest little girl. She can be quite generous and understanding of other peoples situations if the mood takes her just not me or mine. Towards me she can be hateful, critical, nasty, rude, thoughtless and totally uncaring.

She buys silly things online and hides them, lies about them being hers and gets things delivered elsewhere and I am sure she and inadvertently we are often subsidising her best friend. But that is a whole other thread. I just really want her to be happy and live her best life (and her not to be taken advantage of). I love her and would also like to keep in touch and have a nice close mother daughter relationship but we seem to be growing further apart and I am very doubtful of ever having this with her the older she gets. I think she may go off the radar completely. I think she is definitely anxious and stressed about her A levels which is natural but I also think she maybe a little neuro diverse (as she has dyslexia and does have some traits) but she is headstrong, lashes out and won’t talk to us or anyone else.

[Dith4791]

I feel you OP. For the past years I sometimes feel like I hate my teenage daughter. She is sometimes rude, disrespectful and selfish. But I am not allowed to get angry or be critical in any with her because she is also going through anxiety and depression. I know i am wrong but why do I feel this way?

Sometimes this feels like a thankless existence. Just here to provide and serve. Its sucks and its sad

[PopsicleHustler]

Very sad that these kids walk all over their parents.
I have 6 kids including a tween and a teen and would go berserk. The other day I watched love it or list it, and it was a small family of just 2 kids. And the son walked into the room with a packet of crisps for his father and a packet for himself and then just threw the crisps into his fathers lap before stomping off to eat his own. All on TV. The dad clearly has no authority and this is the problem here.

Don't give in to her demands, op. Send her to her room. talk to her with your strict firm voice. Maybe watch Nigerian parents and how they deal with their kids .... sadly you gave let her walk all over you. I would go mental but then I am very traditional and cultural and belive in respect. And it goes a long way both to parents to children and visa versa.

She can't be nice to you just to get something op. You sound like a lovely mum who does want the best for her and does want her to change. But you need to start laying the law. Its very sad about her brother and grandmother too. She needs to make amends with them. I would suggest either giving tough love or see a childrend psych to see whats going on if you believe it could be deeper ie with the narcissism and personality disorders.


Wish you and all the other posters who are going through difficulties with their children the best.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

That all sounds very familiar. Just wanted to say, ours is now the most wonderful woman. Hang on in there.

[PopsicleHustler]

@ThuMuClu I am so so so sorry

[PopsicleHustler]

Please don't just hang on in there, hoping she will change. YOU ARE THE PARENT, YOU MAKE THE CHANGES! The child has to respect the mother for all she has done for her!

Reading these threads I cant believe it. When I see all these little creeps on street corners smoking dope and hoods up and swearing their heads off, listening to crap music about drugs and sex I just say thank God my 15 Yr old boy is a home bird and loves his siblings and doing arts and crafts and minecraft still.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

PopsicleHustler · Today 08:52Please don't just hang on in there, hoping she will change. YOU ARE THE PARENT, YOU MAKE THE CHANGES! The child has to respect the mother for all she has done for her!”

I meant hang on in there as in don’t give up on her/your relationship, if you were referring to that.

It’s incredibly difficult for someone who has never had to navigate a non-compliant young person to understand that it’s not that simple as “you’re the parent””.

[Tinyant]

@PopsicleHustler

Please don't just hang on in there, hoping she will change. YOU ARE THE PARENT, YOU MAKE THE CHANGES! The child has to respect the mother for all she has done for her!

Reading these threads I cant believe it. When I see all these little creeps on street corners smoking dope and hoods up and swearing their heads off, listening to crap music about drugs and sex I just say thank God my 15 Yr old boy is a home bird and loves his siblings and doing arts and crafts and minecraft still.

advice given by someone who goes on to admit she doesn’t have a challenging child.

teenagers don’t always act this way because of shit parenting you know.

my parents were extremely strict and enforced respect etc. I was still absolutely horrid and have no doubt my mother felt the same way as the posters here.

[spexsavers]

@PopsicleHustler that's just something parents of nice little home bird children say, you have no idea.

Op I'm in the same boat and have tried every which method of parenting from hard discipline (that's when the threat of suicide starts) to bargaining (she never follows through but always wants the reward) to now just backing off. She asked for more trust so I've done that. She's actually calmed down a lot since I've been less oppressive. I've shifted my own mind set in that she will make mistakes and I can't control all them. She's talking to me more and a bit calmer at school. It's definitely a more productive approach than tough discipline at the moment, I'm just gently encouraging her to make better decisions and trying to have little bits of fun with her now and again. Good luck, life is shit at the mo.

[HeBeaverandSheBeaver]

@spexsavers

Yep
Agree. My dd is A lot more open and happier now I've stepped back a bit. She isn't in a bad crowd but school refusal and newly diagnosed adhd so we have had a tough few months. She needs to work her options out herself and resists all My attempts at advise and help.

[ParentHell]

Me too. I am going crazy with mine. She's nasty to me I can't cope.