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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Partners little sister

56 replies

Brigmcs22 · 20/03/2022 02:50

Hi all,

Please tell me if I'm being a bitch here
Me and my partner (25) have taken in his 14 year old sister. She's been living with us since December last year. My partners mum died years ago and her dad isn't a good dad.

We are expecting our first baby in a couple weeks. It will also be school holidays so she will be home the whole time. I still want to be in the new born bubble with my partner. I love his sister but she is very needy and attached to my partner. I would love for her to stay with her Aunty for a week in the school holidays but I feel horrible putting out the suggestion. I feel selfish but I feel like i deserve that time with my baby and my partner too.

How or should I approach this?

OP posts:

Susu49 · 20/03/2022 02:52

I think you're overthinking it and it's unfair to his sister. But I do understand.

Original poster

Brigmcs22 · 20/03/2022 02:57

I just also know she will tell family when I've gone into labor and I also wanted my labor experience to be an intimate one with just myself and partner. I know it's unfair but I have also sacrificed a lot to have her with us aswell

OP posts:

lemonnandliime · 20/03/2022 02:59

So you would be willing to ask a vulnerable teenager to move out and go elsewhere just so you can be in a so called baby bubble? I couldn't.

The kid has a crap dad and no mother. They will already feel rubbish about their situation and the might feel like they're not wanted and not part of the family if you do this.

If it was your sibling or your own older child I'm guessing they wouldn't be shipped out?

lemonnandliime · 20/03/2022 03:01

@Brigmcs22

Then tell her she isn't to broadcast it?

The way hospitals are with covid I don't see how family knowing you are in labour will have any effect? They won't be battering the door to the delivery room down they won't be able to get near?

Susu49 · 20/03/2022 03:01

Op I think you need to expand your idea of immediate family to include her. Your both in loco parentis.

When you agreed to have her live with you this includes sharing those private bubble moments. I do sympathise but think groundrules for her a shift of mindset for you are needed.

LoudSnoringDog · 20/03/2022 03:02

If her mum is dead and her dad is useless, is it any wonder that she is "needy"?

Is your DP her only brother? What's his take on this? I understand you want the newborn bubble period completely but you have also agreed at some point to take on the responsibility of caring for a young girl who is still a child herself. I imagine the death of her mother is quite traumatic and the behaviour you see as "needy" is actually something crying out not to be abandoned

LoudSnoringDog · 20/03/2022 03:03

Somebody not something. Bloody autocorrect

Indigokitten · 20/03/2022 03:10

@Brigmcs22

Can I ask who is looking after his sister whilst you’re in labour?

Chippingin2 · 20/03/2022 03:41

I think it's a good idea for everyone, but would need to be 'sold'. Eg "it's going to be all about the baby and very unpredictable for a couple of weeks" and maybe come from the aunt

KELLOGSspeck · 20/03/2022 03:47

25 and 14 are nice ages tbh. That is her home OP and considering the circumstances you are being mean tbh.

Have you looked into any activities for the school holidays? Suggested she meet up with her own friends in the school holidays?

She possible could be a huge help to you when you have had the baby... fast forward a few years and she will be able to baby sit for you. Be grateful.

Flittingaboutagain · 20/03/2022 03:55

You will still be in the newborn bubble with her there. Her presence will not stop the hours in the night holding baby up against your chest, baby taking in your smell and heartbeat, like you two are the only ones in the world at 2am, 4am etc.

Her mum is gone. Think about what you would want should you die in labour and your baby survive. Would you honestly want your child turfed out of their home like this because Dad has a wife/ new step mother wants it to be just them with their new baby?

Coyoacan · 20/03/2022 04:44

I don't know where you heard about the newborn bubble. I am a grandmother and it is a new, and probably fictitious, concept to me.

You know your SIL and yourself better than us, but I think people are right, you are better facing up to the reality and accepting that she is part of your nuclear family, almost a big sister to your baby.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 20/03/2022 05:12

As hard as it is op she's with you guys for a reason.

24 and taking on a 14 year old is no walk in the park however that's the decision you and your partner made.m and so she is now your responsibility

To ask her to leave for a couple of weeks when your baby arrives could have a really detrimental effect on her.

She's already moved around,she's lost her mum and her whole life has flipped. You guys offered to give her stability.

Please don't make her feel like she's in the way.

WindyKnickers · 20/03/2022 05:26

Does she get on well with her aunt? Has she been to stay before? Will she see it as punishment or will Auntie spoil her? I don't think it's massively unreasonable but you do need to sell it to her. Maybe she'd rather go and have fun with her aunt? However a 14 year old can be expected to also stay at home and be helpful/not get in the way.

Plus I agree with pps that she is part of your family so shouldn't be excluded ideally.

Mellowyellow222 · 20/03/2022 05:50

You are really a parent to this child. Please don’t send her away - you are
Clearly sending the message that the Jew baby is more important than her.

You read about people doing this type of thing to foster children, and it causes such hurt for years and years.

Is the 14 year old in counselling? Have you considered family counselling - you seem quite in sensitive to her needs and quite unaware of your role in her life.

Frazzled2207 · 20/03/2022 05:59

I don’t think you should send her away. But if the aunt is on board with the idea you could sell it to her and encourage because “newborn babies scream all night etc” (mine definitely did). I don’t think sending her away for the whole Easter hols is fair though.
Generally speaking I think it would be great to involve her as much as possible. I think a girl or that age could have been an enormous help to me when I was at home struggling on mat leave.

AdriannaP · 20/03/2022 06:07

I don’t think you can send her away no. You are her family now. What if baby is late? Will she have to stay at aunt for longer then.

Maybe make sure she does fun things in the Easter holidays, spends time with her friends and does a camp maybe (do 14 year olds still do that?). She is basically growing up like your baby’s sibling, you can’t treat her like an unwanted pet. I think she will already feel insecure and nervous about baby’s arrival and her brother’s love, maybe try to strengthen the bond between you all and not push her away. Being a teenager is hard enough, growing up without mum is heartbreaking.

BluebellStreet · 20/03/2022 06:17

I can't imagine parenting a 14 year old when I was 24. It must be tricky.

I understand that you would like it to be just the three of you when the baby is born but like isn't perfect and your dp has his sister. She is a part of the package of being with him. We would all like life to run along without any difficulties but that's not the way it is. Unless you are one of those people who create a fake social media life!

Tell the sister that you don't want the baby news spread around and that you want it to be just her, her brother, you and the baby. Perhaps the auntie can take her out for a few days in the holidays.

starrynight21 · 20/03/2022 06:23

This is the first I've heard of a "newborn bubble". It sounds ridiculous . Of course you don't turf his sister out - what would you do if you have another baby ? Send the first child away so you can have a newborn bubble with the new one ?

ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 20/03/2022 06:31

I think she needs one person she’ll allowed to tell when you’re in labour. At 14 she’s legally old enough for you to leave her on her own during labour while you’re partner’s at the hospital with you, but that’s still quite a big deal, being left on your own for an uncertain amount of time. She needs 1 person she can call and potentially they can come over/she can go to theirs if she feels lonely or uncomfortable on her own. Is her Auntie local? Could be a good option. Or maybe a trusted school friend with a stable family who would let her stay for a few hours/an overnight if she wants. I think you can explain you don’t want her to tell more people because you want to be the first to announce when the baby is born. She’s old enough to understand and respect that.

Mellowyellow222 · 20/03/2022 06:32

@Mellowyellow222

You are really a parent to this child. Please don’t send her away - you are Clearly sending the message that the Jew baby is more important than her.

You read about people doing this type of thing to foster children, and it causes such hurt for years and years.

Is the 14 year old in counselling? Have you considered family counselling - you seem quite in sensitive to her needs and quite unaware of your role in her life.

New baby. New baby. Sorry for typos

ClaryFairchild · 20/03/2022 06:42

I remember a friend of mine making to clear she wanted a babymoon and wanted about 4 weeks just the two of them and baby and didn't walnut anyone else around. Within 3 days she was calling me, pleading for me to visit her.

Honestly, that whole 'baby bubble' idea is over the top. You will want to have sympathetic, loving people around you. You will want to talk about your baby to someone, you will want to talk about non-baby things to someone. You will want bits of all of it.

And someone to field the phone calls so that you can have a nap or to fetch you a cup of tea (and to share a chocolate bar with) while you're breastfeeding and stuck to your seat will be priceless.

youlearnsomethingneweveryday · 20/03/2022 06:42

Honestly the newborn 'bubble' thing....it's probably not how you are dreaming it will be.

You will probably LOVE and APPRECIATE to have an extra pair of hands to help!

She's a very vulnerable 14 year old who hasn't had any stability and I think you should perhaps open your heart a bit more and try to include her.

bjjgirl · 20/03/2022 06:43

Ok firstly you are pregnant and be aware your hormones may be making you loose a bit of perspective

Secondly having a 15 year old around will be a god send with a new born, she may help and develop an amazing relationship with your child

Thirdly, she is a child who needs a parent, please don't exclude her, try to imagine the situation if she was your child and what you would want the sister in law to do in this situation

MummyGummy · 20/03/2022 06:55

Asking her to leave would be really harsh. You’ve taken on responsibility of looking after her, try and imagine how she’d feel being sent away and excluded when your baby arrives. You can talk to/prepare her for what the first few weeks will be like (you needing lots of rest, baby crying through the night etc) but I’d see it as an opportunity to help her bond with the baby and adjust to the new family dynamics.

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