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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Partners little sister

56 replies

Brigmcs22 · 20/03/2022 02:50

Hi all,

Please tell me if I'm being a bitch here
Me and my partner (25) have taken in his 14 year old sister. She's been living with us since December last year. My partners mum died years ago and her dad isn't a good dad.

We are expecting our first baby in a couple weeks. It will also be school holidays so she will be home the whole time. I still want to be in the new born bubble with my partner. I love his sister but she is very needy and attached to my partner. I would love for her to stay with her Aunty for a week in the school holidays but I feel horrible putting out the suggestion. I feel selfish but I feel like i deserve that time with my baby and my partner too.

How or should I approach this?

OP posts:

YellowDots · 20/03/2022 06:56

Secondly having a 15 year old around will be a god send with a new born, she may help and develop an amazing relationship with your child
This is so true. When I had my second my three year old was almost running the house. She did absolutely loads to help me.

Herecomesthesun2022 · 20/03/2022 07:03

I don’t understand what is wrong with the idea of your little SIL staying with her aunt for a week in the holidays, assuming they get on and it would be a treat. One of my children will be staying with their aunt in the holidays for a week and they are very excited! So it all depends how the two of them get on and how your SIL would feel about it. If the aunt has lots of fun things set up for them to do it should be sold on this basis. Love my children as I do frankly it’s quite normal to have a little break from each other. It’s wonderful that this little girl has the 2 of you to love her and look after her now her mum’s gone. You are very young and it must be hard. So if you can set it up as a fun trip honestly I would suggest a week every Easter and summer holidays is perfectly appropriate

Herecomesthesun2022 · 20/03/2022 07:06

Ps you do need to frame it as a question though - I’d tell her your aunt would love her to stay and ask if she’d like to go but back off if there’s resistance

mumofblu · 20/03/2022 09:57

She is a child you have opened your home to and she is family too . If you exclude her from this without her agreeing you are taking away that concept and security that she has a family .
If she was your partners child would you send her away .
Could she be with you the first few days after babies born then go to another family telling her that the baby will need a lot of your attention and you want her to have fun with others friends / family in the holidays while you get into a routine with new baby
Presumably she is excited about the new baby so don't lose this by making her feel unwanted . You need the best start for her too so she doesn't resent and becomes a loving big sister xx

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 20/03/2022 10:02

She's either part of your family or she isn't.
You can't pick and choose to be parental figures when it suits you. You and DP have taken on the responsibility to look after her, that includes looking after her physical and mental health. Shipping her out so your 'real' family can have a baby bubble is an awful attitude.
You're telling her that she doesn't really belong there.
Treat her like you hope someone will treat your DC if something happened to you.

toomuchlaundry · 20/03/2022 10:09

Would people by saying the same thing about an extra pair of hands, being excited about the baby etc if it was a 14yo boy

Shinyandnew1 · 20/03/2022 10:15

When did the mum die? Did the sister come and live with someone else (the aunt?) then or did she stay with the dad until December and come straight to you?

If she is close with the aunt, she might like this.

mumofblu · 20/03/2022 10:54

@toomuchlaundry
I presume you are referring to gender bias but op wasn't asking if it was appropriate to ask partners sister to help with baby ?

pinkyredrose · 20/03/2022 10:57

Please don't ship her off when you have the baby, that would send such a horrid message to her about her place in your house.

Original poster

Brigmcs22 · 20/03/2022 10:58

I think it's been misunderstood what I've meant, I purely mean I would love a week with just my partner and I to bond with our new baby. She lived with the aunt for the last year and all her friends are up there. About 3 hours north of us now. She would never be excluded we actually just brought her a puppy for her birthday. His mum died 8 years ago and he has never lived with his sister either up until now. It's very new for the both of us. Obviously we understand that we have taken her on as one of my own, it was my idea in the first place. I just also would love that one on one time where I'm not sleep deprived and battling a 14 year old, who is continually pushing boundaries at the moment. I hope that makes more sense, being 24 with a 14 year old all of a sudden is extremely hard

OP posts:

thatsnotmyname43 · 20/03/2022 10:58

I think you're getting some harsh comments op. Taking on a 14 year old at 25 must be really hard. I do feel for the sister but totally understand your reasoning too. Is there any way you could paint it in a different light - not 'we want you to go to your aunts for a week so we can have time alone with the baby' but maybe suggest a holiday or something?

I think you need to tread carefully as she is probably quite damaged after all she's gone through.

Original poster

Brigmcs22 · 20/03/2022 10:59

My partner has a month off, it's over the school holidays which is why I suggested one week of the holidays. Probably the second week so she can also meet the baby and spend time with us first

OP posts:

LizDoingTheCanCan · 20/03/2022 11:02

She would never be excluded we actually just brought her a puppy for her birthday.

That's exactly what you are doing, excluding her.

nopenottodaysatan · 20/03/2022 11:04

Poor kid.

DariaMorgendorffer · 20/03/2022 11:06

You shouldn't approach it. You can't do it. I know it's a tough situation, but it would really hurt her feelings op.

thatsnotmyname43 · 20/03/2022 11:11

@nopenottodaysatan

Poor kid.

Is she a poor kid though? Personally I think she's really lucky to have a brother and a sister in law not that much older than her who have offered to take her in. They aren't her parents, they have no obligation. If this had happened to me at her age then I would have had nobody. So no she's not a poor kid and the OP is not unreasonable for wanting to put herself and her baby first for one week.

toomuchlaundry · 20/03/2022 11:17

You are going to have a teenager, baby and puppy in the house. That is some combination!

NurseNeerDoWell · 20/03/2022 11:22

Seriously? A 14 year old who lost her mum at 6 years old isn’t a poor kid honestly some posts on Mumsnet are so callous.
Anyway OP, you’ve clearly taken this child in for a reason. Presumably you put a lot of thought into the responsibility this would entail and I’m afraid this is one of them. You can’t pass children around from pillar to post. She deserves a stable home just like her new baby niece or nephew does.

MayMorris · 20/03/2022 11:26

@KELLOGSspeck

25 and 14 are nice ages tbh. That is her home OP and considering the circumstances you are being mean tbh.

Have you looked into any activities for the school holidays? Suggested she meet up with her own friends in the school holidays?

She possible could be a huge help to you when you have had the baby... fast forward a few years and she will be able to baby sit for you. Be grateful.

Ffs..don’t tell someone to be grateful who right now is feeling a bit negative about it. You can disagree with her. But stop telling people how they should feel.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/03/2022 11:28

If he's off for a month I'd definitely suggest it. Let her have a week or two with the baby. She'll get all the cuddles but might like a break from
The reality of a newborn. I'd plan it with the aunt and suggest it to her but leave it all up in the air for her so she can decide at the last minute. I'd also suggest another week when it's just you and baby at home if that works with holidays.

As for telling the family when you're in labor I'd say to her obviously tell Katie your BFF but do you mind telling no one else? We'd like it to be a surprise for auntie Mary and the rest.

MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 11:33

Some absolutely ridiculous replies to an OP who is being absolutely honest with her relevant feelings!

Wrinklepicker · 20/03/2022 11:37

Boundary pushing teenagers are hard work and I understand OP just wanting one type of hard work parenting scenario for a week. I think it all hinges on his the sister feels though.
Some nice suggestions have been made about how to put it to her. She may enjoy a holiday with her aunt, or she may feel she needs to be in the family unit.

MayMorris · 20/03/2022 11:43

I imagine many men and women would struggle to take in and “parent” a 14 year old who had lost her mother and abandoned by their Dad. I would think that the teenager would have some behavioural issue or emotional issues that would need constant support. Even the most experienced of parents would find that difficult and challenging.

The Op is currently pregnant with her first child. She is 25, not an experienced parent, not married and has felt obligated to take this additional child into her home for all the good reasons she felt she suggested it. Clearly they are struggling already and the Op is not unreasonable to want some time and space to bond with the baby. How many parents have teenage children in the house at same time as new borns- not that many these days and certainly not a newborn first child. This is a new mum who needs to recover from Birth and establish BF, and it is not unreasonable for her to ask for some space and elimination of other responsibilities whilst she does this.

This couple have only just taken on looking after this teenager, they’re still figuring out how to look after a teenager who comes with her own issues. They are probably unable to treat this child as their “daughter” yet due to the complex emotional needs she will have and the fact they are still learning how to parent her. The teenager is still coming to terms with up sticks from the Place she has lived for a while, friends she knows, and an aunt that has had her own way of parenting her, and is trying to navigate those changes.

I think it is entirely reasonable for the couple to discuss with aunt about some cover while they go through this adjustment. It sounds sensible and practice. Goodness knows a lot of new mums would ask for Extra support for the first couple of weeks from their own family, even with their own other children they’ve raised since birth. Lots of grandparents will step up and care for grandchildren either in their own home , or take a holiday with granny for a few days at such a time.

MayMorris · 20/03/2022 11:44

@NurseNeerDoWell

Seriously? A 14 year old who lost her mum at 6 years old isn’t a poor kid

honestly some posts on Mumsnet are so callous. Anyway OP, you’ve clearly taken this child in for a reason. Presumably you put a lot of thought into the responsibility this would entail and I’m afraid this is one of them. You can’t pass children around from pillar to post. She deserves a stable home just like her new baby niece or nephew does.

She’s not going form pillar to post….it’s one week

ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 20/03/2022 11:58

Maybe talk to her aunt and then if her thinks a great idea, get the aunt to suggest it. As she’s got friends up there it might appeal to her - a week on holiday when you’re both going to be really busy with a tiny baby. Don’t tell her she’s going. Suggest it as an option.

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