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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I don't want to be a parent anymore

55 replies

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 13:34

kids are 16 and 11. my youngest has mental health issues which are really difficult to deal with but otherwise they are not bad AT ALL. I don't have issues with drink and drugs or anti social behaviour etc

but they are SO INCREDIBLY SRLFISH. I know they are supposed to be but I just can't stand it, I feel like I am in an abusive relationship. I really REALLY want to leave. I am on my own with them. how do they watch me struggle with EVERYTHING and then moan and complain and not help

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VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 13:37

my house is a terrible mess (I mean actually terrible, not a few things out of place/in need of a hoover) and got LOADS of work to do. they moaned until I made breakfast. youngest threw hers across the room because it wasn't right. both moaning about the lunch I have made...and the biscuits I made. FFS, SO ungrateful

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Susu49 · 18/02/2022 13:39

You don't say what mh issues your youngest has so i dont know how much it could affect behaviour, but no way would I stand for the behaviour you've listed here.

My parents would have read me the riot act and without more detail to go on, I wonder if that's what's needed here.

Flowers
VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 13:47

youngest has anxiety with OCD. so behaviour was partly triggered by OCD but partly because there was 2 strawberries left and older sister took the biggest one Hmm. massive stupid argument ensued whilst I was in a work meeting

her problems are so stressful for all of us. we are not allowed in her room or to touch her or any of her things and she goes apeshit if we do, even by accident. she threw a big mirror down the stairs the other day because her sister had put it in her room as a gift.

believe me I have tried all sorts. getting angry and giving punishments makes no difference

they both complain that I favour the other, and they fight ALL THE TIME

I can't stand it

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Parky04 · 18/02/2022 13:59

@VirginMedium

my house is a terrible mess (I mean actually terrible, not a few things out of place/in need of a hoover) and got LOADS of work to do. they moaned until I made breakfast. youngest threw hers across the room because it wasn't right. both moaning about the lunch I have made...and the biscuits I made. FFS, SO ungrateful
Why are you making them breakfast and lunch when they are 11 and 16?
Notonetojudge · 18/02/2022 14:04

Op that sounds incredibly stressful and I sympathise, fwiw. If you can’t actually get away for an evening/weekend/week and have perhaps parents/sister to look after them, can you get away ‘virtually’?

Lock yourself in the bathroom with headphones and candles, wine and chocolates etc? It takes practice but a couple of hours a day that you deliberately dedicate to you would benefit all of you. They can cook or get takeaway etc - you really need a break f try on them and their shit Flowers

Notonetojudge · 18/02/2022 14:05

That should be a break from them

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 14:17

notonetojudge I really really do need to get away from them don't I. I think that's really good advice. I always say that I don't have childcare (their dad is sick, my dad is sick) but I can send the youngest to a friend and leave the oldest. I have no money though...but I should just go and stay with a friend, huh. they always want to come with me, they like my friends! need to make it happen

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VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 14:19

parky I was making breakfast because we got up late and they had to go in to on line lessons. I made lunch because I also have to eat and they would have eaten shite otherwise. they arent mollycoddled, if that's what you are getting at, far from

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DelphiniumBlue · 18/02/2022 14:26

Oh dear, it sounds very stressful and quite chaotic.
I think you need to put firmer boundaries in place and start training your daughters to show a bit more respect and thoughtfulness.
Teenagers are not likely to be thinking about how they can help, and they are not going to be doing more around the house until you make them.
I'd call a family meeting, tell them are 3 of you living there, and that everyone needs to be contributing. Together. compile a list of all the things that need to be done on a daily/weekly basis. Then ask them to to think about who will do which job, they are quite old enough to do their own washing, for example, or to wield a hoover.
If the house is as bad as you are implying, can you afford to get a cleaner as a one-off to get it up to scratch so that then it becomes an issue of maintenance rather than a fight to keep your head above water? Or maybe you have a friend who could help with this as a one-off?

Then think about how you all show respect to each other. If DD2 gets upset when anyone goes into her room, why would you continue to do that? It's not a mistake that DD1 went in there, she'd been asked not to, and decided that she would go in anyway. That's not respectful. She could have given the gift in the living room, or anywhere else, tbh it sounds like an excuse on her part.
As for the throwing food, I'd stop making it. You don't need to make breakfast for young people of this age, they can get their own. They can help make a shopping list so that what they like is on it, and together you need to work out what to do to make sure everyone gets a fair share of treats.Maybe dole out the strawberries in advance, separate tubs for each person. Anyone taking someone else's share doesn't get any of the next treat. Anyone asking for the biggest share automatically gets the smallest.
I'm not clear if you are saying that you work from home, or if the house needs work. If you work from home, you need a clear, designated space to do that in. Again, if the house is in such a mess that you can't do that, get a friend in to help you re-arrange, or ask your daughters to help you organise. No-one can think straight when their surroundings are in disarray, so that needs to be sorted ASAP.
It's long haul, nothing is going to change overnight and I think outside help for the physical side of organising might give a fresh eye as to what can be done easily and what needs more of a longterm plan.
It is half term, and having them home all day no doubt makes all the squabbling worse. But it sounds like they are running the show and you are running around trying to placate them. It's like dogs, you've got to show that you are in charge.

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2022 14:27

I don't think it's about mollycoddling. It's about giving them control in healthy areas.

You DD wouldn't throw it because she didn't like it, if she'd made a breakfast she liked.

It's really hard to see when you are in the thick of it.

Try and sort out one thing- breakfasts.
Plan with them 5 breakfasts. They can choose any of these 5 breakfasts. You keep the necessary food in, they sort out their breakfast without fuss.

Talk to eldest and ask her to avoid being in kitchen with youngest, to avoid sparks.

making good decisions,
taking responsibility for themselves,
Makes them easier to live with.

The day my youngest complained I hadn't washed his PE kit was the week I showed him how to use the machine, told him which day was his day, and left him to it.

Mo1911 · 18/02/2022 14:32

Have you tried actually speaking to them like young adults and explaining how you feel bullied by them and how their behaviour makes you feel generally. Likewise they could tell you how they feel then everyone can try to acknowledge everyone's feelings and try to make a plan. Maybe one of your popular friends could facilitate? It maybe sounds idealistic but non communication is the basis of so many issues.

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2022 14:37

I agree with that@Mo1911 .

It's really easy to get stuck in the 'mum, provider of all, resolver of problems' role. As they get older they actually need you to push back. Not in an angry way, just to make clear that some things are not your job.

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 14:52

they normally get their own breakfast, but it's home schooling today because of the storm, so unusual situation

this is new as far as eldest is concerned. she has been GREAT until she started college in September. until then, she cooked and cleaned more than I did. I thought I had bypassed the difficult teenager stuff, with her

yes, I have had endless chats about expectations, I am not a dogsbody, I am busy (I'm actually disabled as well). they just aren't empathetic human beings

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VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 14:53

pickle we no longer have a communal laundry basket. everyone has their own in their rooms and they do their own laundry

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picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2022 15:24

Brilliant! That was such a big step for me, and still saves so much time. No sorting needed if it goes in separately!

How about a grown up date with your DD, just the two of you, and talk about her and find out if there's a reason she's stopped helping out? She may be struggling with work, friends, or her sister. It may help you understand what's behind her sudden selfishness.

Sometimes there are no answers though, you just have to ride the touch times out. I'm missing my youngest at the moment- he's the entertainment in the family, and it's a bit dull without him!

Jjjaaakkk · 18/02/2022 15:27

I’m afraid teenagers just aren’t empathetic! I think it’s to do with development. But other ppe are right, if you can achieve a better routine which is less stressful, the need for empathy will reduce

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 16:36

pickle both DDS are very communicative. we have talked about the change since sept loads. she's tired. it's such a change for them isn't it. new college, new friends, new way of being taugh for ALevels, new boyfriend, first job. I get it, I do. but it's February now and I need a bit more useful input. she agrees with what I'm saying when we talk, but it never results in any changes/actions

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VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 16:36

Im not going to ask her to move out when she's finished ALevels. but I might. I might take the youngest somewhere else

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VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 17:52

all your answers are in my nerves. I went to have a bath to think about why. and partly. be sure I've tried all the suggestions but mostly I have realised because I don't want solutions. I don't want to even try anymore. I tried loads. and I failed. and now I don't want to do it anymore

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picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2022 18:15

You've not failed- you've done a great job so far. You sound self aware, you know your DDs, you've done the strategies, read the books...

You sound exhausted, and perhaps need a visit to the GP. Perhaps you need some time off work, or to have your bloods checked. You definitely need to look after you, for a bit.

You are at the end of your tether, but the job's not done. You need a bit of help to manage this last stretch.

What self care have you got going on? Any chance of paying a cleaner, or paying DD and a mate to do a couple of hours? A night out? Or kick the DDs out to their friends and have a night in on your own.

ThanksThanks

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2022 18:18

I'm listening, I am, I hear what you're saying. But we can't shove them back up where they came from, and there's a limit to how much you can just walk away.

So am looking for other possibilities. Including just dreaming about walking away. I used to fantasise about a caravan on the woods. Just me and my cats. The kids could visit, but only on a Saturday afternoon! I'd live there all on my own, no tv, no radio, just lots of lovely silence and some books.

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 18:27

ah, thanks pickle...yeah, a flat by the sea would be perfect. I have threatened to shove them back up tbh. I have actually been off work since Xmas, my own health isn't great either and it's all too much. self care is actually quite hard with no money or space, or energy. I'm in bed now though and the house is calm

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Photolass · 18/02/2022 18:30

This situation sounds awful. If I were you I would let them know exactly how you feel. I know teenagers lack empathy, and although you can't force the empathy, you can force an outward show of respect.
If they can't get on board with some proper behaviour, then I would stop doing things for them. Such as, no cooking, no laundry, no pocket money, no tech.
You need to put these boundaries in place for the sake of your own mental health. There is no excuse for throwing a mirror down the stairs.
Walking away might be nice, but it's not realistic, and you need a solution that makes it possible for you to all live in some harmony.
As for the house cleaning, either get a cleaner if you can afford one, or get the girls to help. Give them specific tasks to do.
I do hope you can get things sorted.

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 22:23

tonight, cat litter and water has been thrown around the bathroom and plant pots have been smashed Sad

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nanbread · 18/02/2022 22:27

Sounds like there are two key issues:

  1. You are hugely depleted and need a break, plus more regular help.
  1. Your daughter needs more support to manage her MH.

Tbh, no 1 is your priority. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Can you think of three things you can do to move towards no.1, and the first action you need to take to get the ball rolling on them?

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