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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I don't want to be a parent anymore

55 replies

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 13:34

kids are 16 and 11. my youngest has mental health issues which are really difficult to deal with but otherwise they are not bad AT ALL. I don't have issues with drink and drugs or anti social behaviour etc

but they are SO INCREDIBLY SRLFISH. I know they are supposed to be but I just can't stand it, I feel like I am in an abusive relationship. I really REALLY want to leave. I am on my own with them. how do they watch me struggle with EVERYTHING and then moan and complain and not help

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Lostmum2715 · 20/02/2022 18:11

I know how you feel. My daughter is 15 and I can no longer cope with the loneliness and feeling as if I'm being abused day in and day out. Nothing i do is right, I never get a thank you for anything, I am in constant fear, terrified of reactions and I can no longer keep up with the perpetual mess she and her boyfriend make with no help in the house whatsoever. My husband works away a lot and I feel utterly lost.

Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 19:32

nanbread I definitely am depleted and need a break. I read your post yesterday and felt inspired to try harder to carve this out. but the reality is, I just CANT get a break. youngest won't sleep over at anyone's and I can't leave them alone together over ight, they would probably really hurt each other. and I'm really really skint, I am always at my overdraft limit. I could drive to a friend's for a day, but that just isn't going to cut it.

and did definitely needs help. she had another breakdown yesterday evening and threw a bunch of stuff down the stairs. I couldn't do anything with her. any attempt to be stern/discipline is interpreted as absence of love. she has had 3 lots of counselling. CAMHS say that she has attachment issues. I'm tired and sad and fed up

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Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 19:34

lostmum I'm so sorry that you are going through it too, I don't know what to say...its so suffocating and soul destroying. presumably we just have to persevere somehow until they leave home?

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nanbread · 20/02/2022 19:59

This sounds so hard.

It's it worth contacting a teen mental health charity for help or advice?

Or contact social care?

Have they said what's the root of her attachment issues?

nanbread · 20/02/2022 20:01

Also sorry if you've answered this but do you think she would try meds?

Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 20:12

been through all of that. she doesn't meet threshold for anything. private counselling is only option, which we have had in the past and didn't help.. can't afford ongoing

nothing identifiable as cause, maybe because me and her dad are divorced (when she was a baby) or maybe because I had a hospital stay. CAMHS woman said loads of kids have attachment issues and most without obvious route. only kids I have known with attachment issues have been neglected/adopted 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 20:14

support for kids with my issues is a facade in my experience. not just my own but speaking to other parents. people say it is lack of funding and I'm sure that is a big part, but it seems the professionals don't actually have any idea how to help these kids, even if they had loads of money

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Phewthatwasclose · 20/02/2022 20:34

Look at it from their point of view OP - Your older daughter is studying full time, working, she probably thinks she's more exausted than you, as you haven't worked since Christmas and she's been full on. So as far as she knows you are lounging around all day, and then telling her off in the evening for not doing enough housework! And then there is a possibility that you'll kick her out in a year and a half when she finishes A-levels - even if you haven't said this to her, she will sense it. What a terrifying prospect for a 16 year old.

Your younger one has health problems, as do you, but she's only 11! You need to get this sorted, it sounds like the girls are being neglected. You say they haven't got much empathy, but to be honest it doesn't sound like you do either. Sorry if this sounds too harsh, it just seems like you are only looking at it from one point of view - yours.

DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 20:38

You’ve said you have no childcare and it sounds like there are few other adults around the kids. I think this is what you need - they need to witness, on a regular basis, how to treat you with respect. If they’re not seeing anyone else treating you with respect, they don’t know how to do it themselves. Can you reach out to friends and family, and get people you know to rally round, either together or popping in regularly for an hour here and there, at mealtimes in particular. Invite people over for teatime, if that’s when it often kicks off. And brief your guests to treat you with respect in front of the brats, and to be visibly aghast at their behaviour.

Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 21:07

oh fuck off phewthatwasclose you are far off the mark

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nanbread · 20/02/2022 21:10

@VirginMedium

Sadly I think you are right.

Have you come across Sarah Naish's stuff (she also has a Facebook group)? Read about attachment and developmental trauma? If that resonates her techniques might work... But it's not an overnight change.

Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 21:11

dogsandgin we have loads of other adults around, my friends, their friends parents, my parents, their dad. but no one for CHILDCARE. my parents and their dad are too unwell to provide childcare. eldest doesn't need childcare and youngest will go to friends houses but she won't stay overnight due to anxiety (anymore, she used to). Having written this, I might have just had a penny drop moment. I am really worried about my parents and their dad...I expect my youngest is to actually.

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Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 21:12

thanks nanbread I'll have a look at Sarah Naish

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Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 21:15

nanbread I missed your question about meds...she asks me for antidepressants. I want to try her in melatonin because I really think if she could sleep at a reasonable time, then she could regulate her emotions better. GP is supportive but needs to be prescribed by CAMHS. spent 18 months with CAMHS and they wouldn't prescribe (told me it needed to come from GP) have now discharged and won't accept rereferral to get prescription in place. its a shitshow

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Original poster

VirginMedium · 20/02/2022 21:25

just found this on Sarah Naish page and it made me cry.....

When you’re all worn out
And you can’t think straight,
When you’ve done your best,
But it seems too late…
Breathe.

If your head is heavy,
And your heart feels sore,
When you’ve done enough,
But they still want more….
Stop.

When the future looks bleak,
And your hope is gone,
If the fear you carry
Means you can’t go on….
Rest.

When you’re tired of trying
Weighed by your load,
Take courage my friend.

For we walk the same road.

Sarah Naish
(Adopter, therapeutic parent, tired).

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picklemewalnuts · 21/02/2022 09:23

Yes.
Well done for spotting the shared anxiety about your parents and the girls' dad. Sometimes spotting it is all you need. She may also feel better if you can articulate it for her.

Phewthatwasclose · 21/02/2022 09:45

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

Original poster

VirginMedium · 21/02/2022 10:10

picklemewalnuts whilst we talk openly about all of it, i am scared to bring it up with her directly and specifically because I won't be able to offer any reassurance or allay any of her fears

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Original poster

VirginMedium · 21/02/2022 10:12

phewthatwasclose fuck off is pretty unequivocal

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anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 21/02/2022 11:16

Oh @VirginMedium I feel for you I really do. I have recently had an op so I am having to ask my teens for lots of help. They were so upset I was in hospital longer than expected so I came home earlier than advised with the theory that they would be really helpful. Now I get lots of eye rolls and huffs. I lost it at my 12 year old this weekend when I asked for a drink and she huffed at me. I shouted and cried and went mad. If I could do it myself I would. I am frustrated too. Teens can be so irritating. Take deep breaths and if that doesn't help hit them where it hurts. Remove their phone, their chargers so they can't recharge their devises until jobs are done. Change the WiFi code every day and give it to them once their tasks are completed. They don't have to like you right now, they have to do as they are told. They will come back to you, and you to them. It will just take time. They need to learn you are a family, the family need to run the household not just you. My kids have to do the washing up every day. I tell them I am not going to remind them. They know we eat every day and therefore know we have washing up to do. Etc

picklemewalnuts · 21/02/2022 22:09

You can't reassure her it will be ok, but she may need to you explain to her the many ways it might be impacting her EVEN while she isn't thinking about it. For example, some people with a trauma in their past will have worsened mental health around the anniversary of an incident. They will probably not make the connection, it sometimes only emerges through counselling.

She's very young, she may feel sad and angry at random times and not realise it's triggered by her anxiety about her dad and grandparents, or even by your anxiety. She may just be picking up on your tension- which is absolutely not your fault- in the same way babies do.

You can reassure her that feeling awful sucks, but that it's ok to feel stressed and upset, and that other people feel that way too.

Although things are tough right now, you're clearly doing all sorts of things right. It's just about surviving for a while, like the months with a non sleeping newborn, or a terrible toddler.

Scbchl · 21/02/2022 22:18

You have my complete sympathy. CAHMS was absolutely shit for us. They did nothing at all that helped in anyway. My daughters got body dysmorphia and believes she is fat and she's really not. She started making herself sick and limiting her food to one bowl of noodles a day. I called him and told him my concerns without her knowing. He told her and said to her "its okay to actually want to lose weight and have a carpet deficit".

I also ended up losing it and my daughters been with my dad for two weeks, there's only so much you can deal with. I think the plan to leave your eldest and get your youngest daughter to stay somewhere so you can go away to a friends for 2 or 3 nights is a good idea..

Original poster

VirginMedium · 22/02/2022 12:47

@picklemewalnuts

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Original poster

VirginMedium · 22/02/2022 12:52

@Scbchl oh that's awful, I hope she starts to recover soon, its so worrying and frustrating

mine did have a sleepover at a friend's last night. I immediately feel less tense with her not here. and I know it sounds like I don't love her, but I do love her incredibly fiercely. its just that she is so unhappy and it's stressful and such hard work.

I know alot of people with kids with MH problems, in RL but thousands in online forums. I have yet to meet a singular person who say that CAMHS has helped their child.

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picklemewalnuts · 22/02/2022 13:13

It does not sound at all like you don't love her.
If you didn't love her, her distress wouldn't affect you, you'd feel indifferent or irritated.

Your exhaustion, emptiness, desperation, comes from a place of deep love and connection.

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