Boy that DD is friendly with and unacceptable behaviour

Redwinestillfine · 18/02/2022 09:47

She should let him know she can't go. If she is feeling brace enough she can tell him why. If not then saying she has a family thing will be enough.

Soontobe60 · 18/02/2022 09:52

This is a tricky one. Is the other girl telling the truth? She says she was out of it, so did someone else tell her what happened? I honestly don’t know, in this day and age, what I’d do. Are we saying that every drunken 15 yr old boy who tries to snog a girl at a party is a sex offender? (or vice versa!)
If I were advising my 16 yr old daughter, I’d possibly suggest she speaks to him about this to see what he says.

lljkk · 18/02/2022 10:55

omg, just talk to him!

If she thinks he might misunderstand her feelings then she should directly but nicely tell him where he stands in her mind. Lads appreciate direct honesty and they feel mortified when they misread a situation. Adult DD recounts to me this type of conversation she has frequently; she has stayed platonic friends with all the lads she wanted to stay merely friends with.

Original poster

Rollergirl11 · 18/02/2022 11:18

@Soontobe60 DD has no reason to believe it’s not the truth. The friend remembers it happening but was too drunk to successfully put a stop it. It was more than a drunken snog. He put his hands under her top and groped her.

@lljkk omg did you even read my OP? This isn’t about DD friend zoning him.

OP posts:

ldontWanna · 18/02/2022 11:49

How exactly is DD feeling? Is she worried about being alone with him? Is she worried about her own safety?

Or is just the principle of it?
Does she want to stay friends with him?

If it's the first, she should go with her gut and cancel and just make herself unavailable until the friendship fizzles out if she doesn't want to be direct about it.

If it's the second, it's still her decision but maybe try and untangle her feelings without offering your own opinion on it.

At this age(any age really )is better to lose a friend (out of many) and learn that your feelings are valid ,they do matter and to take red flags and instincts seriously. She doesn't have to worry about being kind and diplomatic and hear the other side and whatever other bullshit. If this information put her off,then that's more than enough to end the friendship.

wingscrow · 18/02/2022 12:14

She should not be having any interaction with this boy.

Seriously people stop worrying first about hurting boys/men's feeling or implying that a girl who reports being assaulted might not be telling the truth...this type of attitude is just allowing inappropriate behaviour to flourish.

@Soontobe60 seriously? If you think inappropriate touching of a young girl who is under the influence of alcohol (and therefore incapacitated) without her consent and having to be pulled away from her by a third party is OK then you need to have a good look at your standards....

Soontobe60 · 18/02/2022 13:18

@wingscrow

She should not be having any interaction with this boy.

Seriously people stop worrying first about hurting boys/men's feeling or implying that a girl who reports being assaulted might not be telling the truth...this type of attitude is just allowing inappropriate behaviour to flourish.

@Soontobe60 seriously? If you think inappropriate touching of a young girl who is under the influence of alcohol (and therefore incapacitated) without her consent and having to be pulled away from her by a third party is OK then you need to have a good look at your standards....

No, I don’t think it’s ok. I never said it was.

Original poster

Rollergirl11 · 18/02/2022 13:25

@ldontWanna I don’t think she’s necessarily worried about being around him. I think it is more the principle of it and it has now made her see him in a totally different way. I think it’s important that she follows her instincts but I also don’t want to push her one way or the other. I know that she would still like to go to the gig as she really wants to see the band so I wouldn’t want her to feel guilty if she decided she still wanted to.

@wingscrow and yes I completely agree with what you said and I am also conscious that I don’t want to be seen to be minimising what this boy has done. And therefore would allowing DD to still go with him if she chooses to be doing just that?

OP posts:

ldontWanna · 18/02/2022 13:30

[quote Rollergirl11]@ldontWanna I don’t think she’s necessarily worried about being around him. I think it is more the principle of it and it has now made her see him in a totally different way. I think it’s important that she follows her instincts but I also don’t want to push her one way or the other. I know that she would still like to go to the gig as she really wants to see the band so I wouldn’t want her to feel guilty if she decided she still wanted to.

@wingscrow and yes I completely agree with what you said and I am also conscious that I don’t want to be seen to be minimising what this boy has done. And therefore would allowing DD to still go with him if she chooses to be doing just that?[/quote]
Does she want to go because she doesn't want to miss the gig or because she wants to keep the friendship?

Could she go with someone else?

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 13:41

I can't believe some of these responses. groping an unconscious girl isn't trying to have a snog. tell her to ghost him, she doesn't owe him any explanation. pervert. its not worth confronting him, he will have another version of what happened.

Mumoftwo1990 · 18/02/2022 13:47

@Rollergirl11

Not really sure what to do with the information I’ve just been given by DD (almost 16)

Background. DD has started to become friends with a boy in her year through mutual music taste and gigs. She happened to bump in to him at a gig that I had taken her to back in November and they went off together for the evening. Then they found out that they are both going to another gig next month with their respective friends so they are going to all join up for the night. Now they have planned to go and see another band together in April. It will just be the two of them. There is no romantic interest on DD’s part and DD doesn’t think there is for him either. He actually has a girlfriend although I understand she doesn’t live locally.

Now the worrying bit. DD has just been told by a friend that there was an incident with this boy last summer at a party. The friend was really drunk, as was the boy. The friend was lying on a sofa kind of out of it and the boy tried to touch her inappropriately underneath her clothing. Another friend saw and pulled the friend away. Apparently the boy apologised afterwards.

Now DD is feeling strange about going to the gig with him. Or even talking to him now. They have both bought their tickets. How should she go about this?

She needs to listen to her intuition and as her mum I'd say you don't want her going with him. Maybe try and get a ticket yourself? So she can still go but be safe

2bazookas · 18/02/2022 14:15

She could either sell her ticket. Or find another friend to go to the gig with.

No way would I let a teen DD spend time alone with a person with that history. Sounds like DD already senses summat iffy about him (probably has already felt some red flag from him).

Your job is to back her up; encourage her to trust her gut, and reinforce it with a parental veto.

Original poster

Rollergirl11 · 18/02/2022 14:23

She doesn’t want to miss the gig. The event is sold out so no chance of me getting a ticket. There is a possibility that there is someone else she knows who might be going. But if she still goes to the gig but not with him then she needs to enter in to a discussion with him about why and that’s the bit she’s (understandably) reluctant about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rollergirl11 · 18/02/2022 14:26

I think it’s safe to say that she’s not going to go with him. She just needs to decide if she misses it completely so she can give him an alternative reason for no longer going. Or she manages to go with someone else but then has to broach the subject with the boy. Which she very definitely doesn’t want to do.

OP posts:

GirlInACountrySong · 18/02/2022 14:31

why are we writing off this boy

this is how they learn and create their own boundaries. He was 14/15 lets hope he's had a strong word with himself and nothing else has happened as he has re-evaluated

pervert? bit strong...op you say in op he 'tried' but then change it to hands under clothing 'actual. we are hearing it fourth hand here so the truth of it will be lost but. its encouraging he apologised afterwards

GirlInACountrySong · 18/02/2022 14:31

aware I will be a lone voice here.....but i'm cool with that

SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 18/02/2022 14:39

She shouldn’t miss the gig because of something he may or may not have done.

She can say she’s got a family thing just before, not sure what time it finishes, not sure she’ll make the gig, doesn’t want to make any plans. Then she just goes, if she runs into him her excuse is fine and in a sold out gig it’s easy enough to lose someone.

FKATondelayo · 18/02/2022 14:42

@wingscrow

She should not be having any interaction with this boy.

Seriously people stop worrying first about hurting boys/men's feeling or implying that a girl who reports being assaulted might not be telling the truth...this type of attitude is just allowing inappropriate behaviour to flourish.

@Soontobe60 seriously? If you think inappropriate touching of a young girl who is under the influence of alcohol (and therefore incapacitated) without her consent and having to be pulled away from her by a third party is OK then you need to have a good look at your standards....

100% this

TheBeardedVulture · 18/02/2022 14:48

why are we writing off this boy

Because he committed a sexual assault.

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 14:48

you think boys need to try sexual assualt to learn its not ok???

we are not writing anyone off, but protecting OPs daughter.

FKATondelayo · 18/02/2022 14:51

@GirlInACountrySong

why are we writing off this boy

this is how they learn and create their own boundaries. He was 14/15 lets hope he's had a strong word with himself and nothing else has happened as he has re-evaluated

pervert? bit strong...op you say in op he 'tried' but then change it to hands under clothing 'actual. we are hearing it fourth hand here so the truth of it will be lost but. its encouraging he apologised afterwards

How are boys supposed to learn? By having consequences to their actions. He should be a social pariah for what he has done. Do you think he's going to learn sexual assault is wrong by having girls be nice to him? He's not 14 either.

VirginMedium · 18/02/2022 14:55

fka he should be in COURT for what he did, never mind social pariah. makes me so mad, mum's facilitating these abusive sons

ldontWanna · 18/02/2022 15:02

@Rollergirl11

I think it’s safe to say that she’s not going to go with him. She just needs to decide if she misses it completely so she can give him an alternative reason for no longer going. Or she manages to go with someone else but then has to broach the subject with the boy. Which she very definitely doesn’t want to do.

Can she use you as an excuse? Mum looked at my phone and saw messages about what happened with x and I can't go with you anymore. Or what another poster suggested, make up a commitment and say not sure if/when she'll make it there. That's if she's uncomfortable bringing the whole thing up, ehich is fair enough.

DD know she can always use me as an excuse to say no/distance herself from people. Her friends must think I'm an awful mum.

Offer her options,listen and see if you both can come up with a solution.

Worst case scenario, can she go there by herself,do the gig with him there and then come back by herself/you pick her up and then drop the friendship?

ldontWanna · 18/02/2022 15:04

@GirlInACountrySong

why are we writing off this boy

this is how they learn and create their own boundaries. He was 14/15 lets hope he's had a strong word with himself and nothing else has happened as he has re-evaluated

pervert? bit strong...op you say in op he 'tried' but then change it to hands under clothing 'actual. we are hearing it fourth hand here so the truth of it will be lost but. its encouraging he apologised afterwards

Because I'm not risking my daughter or her friends or some other girl in the hope that he "learned" his lesson.

GirlInACountrySong · 18/02/2022 15:06

@VirginMedium

you think boys need to try sexual assualt to learn its not ok???

we are not writing anyone off, but protecting OPs daughter.

no i dont but we all make mistakes, he was a child and he apologised....assume he has not done it again and is horrified at himself