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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How does ds finish with his gf?

57 replies

TedsTortoise · 14/02/2022 18:32

Ds is 16, he’s been with his GF for over a year.
She has become very controlling over him, doesn’t allow him to do certain things, is insanely jealous of any of ds’s friends who are girls, and he’s had enough.

Every time he brings up being unhappy she threatens suicide. The last time she did this ds contacted her parents, who were angry with ds for not being happy with her.

He’s desperate to finish it but is terrified.
I’ve advised he sets boundaries and sticks to them, but every time it kicks off suicide threats.
What can I advise him?

OP posts:

frogsbreath · 14/02/2022 18:43

You tell him he is not responsible for her happiness or safety. He can tell her he doesn't want to be with her anymore. Her parents need to be on the job with this.

If he has a guidance counsellor or mentor at school (sorry haven't kept up with the titles) he could approach them to discuss it as well and then he's basically also informed school she's a risk to herself but that he is suffering some fallback from her too.

N0va · 14/02/2022 18:44

Not sure how right this advice would be but what I would do (if I was 16 etc)

He should finish with her, if she threatens suicide then call 111 and advise them (or 999 if she's actively trying). However, as an adult, I would recognise that this is part of a pattern of control and they would not try to take their life and it would not be my fault or responsibility if anything did happen because my well-being is important too. However, I suggest 111 or 999 purely because I remember being 16 and feeling responsible and if anything did happen at that age, it would be much more traumatising. Once 111/999 are notified (or before) then I would block on all social media and phone number, turn off no caller Id calls on my phone and process everything and move on. Your son is not responsible for her, her parents can support her.

Garysmum · 14/02/2022 18:45

I'd speak to her parents after he has spoken to her. They should be made aware of the suicide threats so they can deal with them.

SilkySusan · 14/02/2022 18:47

Is he in Year 11 or Year 12? if they're at school together, maybe a planning a possible move for 6th form would be a good idea? (Or at least something to have up his sleeve.)
But agree with PPs, he can't and shouldn't be with her if he doesn't want to be. His mental health is important too, and neither would it be good for her either to be in a one-sided relationship.

Comedycook · 14/02/2022 18:50

Tell him it's not his responsibility and he cannot be held hostage in a relationship.

I would also contact her parents separately myself after he has broken up with her to make sure they are aware of her mental state.

Original poster

TedsTortoise · 14/02/2022 18:51

I’ve told him he’s not responsible for her, which he’s taken in in theory, but in practice is a different matter.

I’ve also suggested it’s part of her controlling, I know myself it is a manipulative abusive tactic.

Her parents have been together since they were 15 so are actively encouraging their dd to see this as the one, so I don’t think talking to them would help at all.

They are at different schools, there’s huge tension when ds wants to socialise with his school friends without his gf (none of them like her being around).

I’ll talk to him again tonight and suggest 111 etc.
I know where she’s at school so could ring them if she’s not getting the support she needs at home.

Thanks for the replies. Here’s me thinking teenage relationships would be a breeze

OP posts:

Nadjahomesoil · 14/02/2022 18:53

Tell him to write her an email telling her it's over, wishing her well, and asking her not to contact him.

Then block.

She's not giving him many other options. May seem unkind, but he's trying breaking up with her the normal way and she's emotionally blackmailing hmm.

IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2022 18:55

Tbh at 16 I'd happy be the bad guy in her eyes and tell him he's banned from being with her. Whatever she chooses to do is on her. She may well make a half hearted attention seeking gesture but you should ensure he has deleted and blocked her in every way and you deal with her parents.

Original poster

TedsTortoise · 14/02/2022 18:55

@Nadjahomesoil that’s looking like the only way.

I really feel for ds, he feels like such a shit for wanting to finish with her.

OP posts:

Southbucksldn · 14/02/2022 18:56

Perhaps explain that this is an extremely common ‘tactic’ with teens. Often said in the heat of the moment.
I would step in yourself, both by contacting his school for additional adult support and also her school.
She may well be serious and therefore the school and her parents need to provide help. I wouldn’t keep this to yourself, as you still need to help her if she is suffering.

MadMadMadamMim · 14/02/2022 19:01

I agree with @Nadjahomesoil. Normally I'd have said tell her bluntly and kindly that he wasn't feeling it any more and be firm that it was over.

But she sounds manipulative and emotionally unstable. He doesn't need to feel responsible for her problems. And he needs to finish it now, before it drags on any longer. I think a kindly worded email that is really clear that he will not be seeing her again and there is nothing more to be said is the best way now. Perhaps you could help him with the wording of it, OP?

And perhaps a text to her parents letting them know, before blocking them too? They sound as silly as her, to be honest. I'd have been furious with any supposed adults who made my 16 yo DS feel shit for not being in love for ever and ever with his first teen romance.

TheWeeDonkey · 14/02/2022 19:18

My DS has been through similar and its really hard seeing the confusion and heartbreak of them being the one to end things but not they way they'd like to. I know it's cowardly but it may be easier to not end things face to face where she can guit trip him. Then he needs to make a clean break, block on everything and be wary of her sending her friends to talk him round.

Mine was lucky to have a good circle of friends to support him through it and help him stick to his boundaries.

All you can do is be there for him. Good luck

Myinsidevoice · 14/02/2022 19:21

I think your son needs to explain that he doesn’t feel the same anymore and is ending the relationship. He is in such a tricky situation and it’s unfair on him.
I would suggest he either breaks up with her at your house with you readh to drive her home or at her house with you waiting outside to take him him. Just incase she gets very emotional and tries to run away.
I wouldn’t suggest doing it be email or blocking as that would cause her extra upset and she will want to talk to him about it, which is only fair as we have all been in a situation where we didn’t want to end a relationship.
If I were you I would contact her parents before hand and explain that it is happening and he is too young to settle down. Make your point that if she threatens suicide because of him then you will contact her school and will phone 111.
Only tricky thing with the school is they will take on your call but won’t fully discuss a child with you, so will be passing on information.

Harpydragon · 14/02/2022 19:38

One of my sons friends did this, my ds told me that his friend had said he was going to commit suicide after his girlfriend finished with him, I called the school and told them what had been said. They kept an eye on him and told his parents.
In your shoes I would call the gf school and tell them what was going on and let them deal with her and her parents. Your boy should not be held hostage for this,

chessboard7 · 14/02/2022 19:47

I agree with the PP, your son needs to end things and you need to be in contact with her school/parents about your concerns over her threats.

This is a pivotal moment for your son, if he continues to be in a relationship with her because she's threatening suicide he's going to form unhealthy relationships in the future - where he feels trapped because of the other persons feelings and so sets aside his expectations for them. This experience will (hopefully) teach him that his happiness is just as valid, but there are ways to still support the other person and you can demonstrate that to him.

I'm saying this as a grown woman who at 16 was convinced that her then boyfriend ending things would be the end of everything. They both need to go through this harsh reality to grow, repair and become stronger.

Make sure DS is supported by you, and make sure the GF is supported by her school/college and parents. They both will need it.

BunnyRuddington · 14/02/2022 20:20

Oh your poor boy. After he's already tried being reasonable with her, in this instance I do agree with sending her an email saying that he no longer wants to be with her but wishing her all the best then blocking her on absolutely everything.

I also agree that calling her school abs letting them know what's going on sounds wise as well.

It doesn't sound as though she's mature enough to deal with him taking about how he feels unfortunately.

FunnyGoingsOn · 14/02/2022 21:17

If you can afford it what about getting a counsellor for your son to talk things through with. It might be that hearing that it not his fault or responsibility from a 'professional' might help him.

Fuckitydoodah · 14/02/2022 21:28

It's not ideal but I think he'll have to do it over the phone. If he does it in person she'll manipulate him and it'll feel much harder. Once he's done it, you contact her parents to give them a head's up.

He'll then have to block her number etc.

It's going to hurt her and be horrible but I don't see what choice he has. His mental health is important too.

Temporaryrespite · 14/02/2022 21:33

The last time she did this ds contacted her parents, who were angry with ds for not being happy with her.

I feel sorry for the gf with such hopeless parents tbh. It's really not her fault that she is behaving this way with such poor parenting.

Yes op, we're used to stepping back and letting teens negotiate their own problems, but there are certain situations when they still need our direct help, and this is one of them.

Beautiful3 · 14/02/2022 21:42

He needs to message her explaining that he's breaking up with her, then block her on everything. She is manipulating him, into staying.

IrishMama2015 · 14/02/2022 21:47

Hi OP, coming at this from the other side. My DSis was the girl who did this to her absolutely lovely ex. And by the time we knew it had been going on for a year and was only part of her desperate attempts to keep him through various controlling and manipulative tactics. Please protect your son. Make sure whatever way he does it that you have a screen shot or copy or recording g because I guarantee you she will escalate as it becomes more clear that it's a final break. Let her parents know and keep a copy of that too. Wishing your DS the best of luck

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 14/02/2022 21:54

If someone threatens with suicide, it's a very good reason to break up

How awful for him

Can he disengage and break up? If she makes suicide threats, involve the safeguarding team at her school

I am really sorry he's having to deal with this

BunnyRuddington · 14/02/2022 22:09

That must have been hard for all of you @IrishMama2015

BunnyRuddington · 14/02/2022 22:10

Sorry, the biscuit was a mistake!

Original poster

TedsTortoise · 14/02/2022 22:57

@NandorTheRelentlessCleaner

If someone threatens with suicide, it's a very good reason to break up

How awful for him

Can he disengage and break up? If she makes suicide threats, involve the safeguarding team at her school

I am really sorry he's having to deal with this

I’ve been advising him to set clear boundaries, and in doing that hopefully create some distance, but having tried he’s reluctant to do so again.

I’ll have another chat with him tomorrow evening and hopefully we can come up with a plan he’s comfortable with.

OP posts:

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