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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How does ds finish with his gf?

57 replies

TedsTortoise · 14/02/2022 18:32

Ds is 16, he’s been with his GF for over a year.
She has become very controlling over him, doesn’t allow him to do certain things, is insanely jealous of any of ds’s friends who are girls, and he’s had enough.

Every time he brings up being unhappy she threatens suicide. The last time she did this ds contacted her parents, who were angry with ds for not being happy with her.

He’s desperate to finish it but is terrified.
I’ve advised he sets boundaries and sticks to them, but every time it kicks off suicide threats.
What can I advise him?

OP posts:
GoingBacktoSchool123 · 15/02/2022 03:03

Arrange a meeting between DS and the GF with both sets of parents present. DS does the breakup speech, GF has her parents there for support and you can step in if the parents step out of line.

Chichimcgee · 15/02/2022 03:07

He needs to end it, ‘sorry it’s not working out, all the best’

He needs to then ignore her. He can ring the crisis team or her doctors and let them deal with it. Poor lad.

halloweenie13 · 15/02/2022 03:08

@TedsTortoise

Ds is 16, he’s been with his GF for over a year. She has become very controlling over him, doesn’t allow him to do certain things, is insanely jealous of any of ds’s friends who are girls, and he’s had enough.

Every time he brings up being unhappy she threatens suicide. The last time she did this ds contacted her parents, who were angry with ds for not being happy with her.

He’s desperate to finish it but is terrified.
I’ve advised he sets boundaries and sticks to them, but every time it kicks off suicide threats.
What can I advise him?

This is what your son has told you and you don't know the other side of the story. I am always wary of women who believe their sons could do no wrong and are in no way the problem. Advise him to break up with the poor girl as soon as possible and let her have chance to move on with her life.
halloweenie13 · 15/02/2022 03:10

@Chichimcgee

He needs to end it, ‘sorry it’s not working out, all the best’

He needs to then ignore her. He can ring the crisis team or her doctors and let them deal with it. Poor lad.

This is all were being told by OP, far too often teenage girls are being made out to be 'crazy or jealous' when the boyfriends are horrible and cheat and then the parents do nothing about it and think he is the light of their lives.
WTF475878237NC · 15/02/2022 03:25

This poor girl has terrible parents and it's clearly impacted on her ability to cope with life. I would contact the school she's at and let her emotional difficulties be known so she gets professional support. This girl has been really let down for her to behave this way. She's not a manipulate monster, she needs help. Not from your son though and I agree he should (once you've alerted the school this week) end it.

WTF475878237NC · 15/02/2022 03:26

*Manipulative sorry

workworkworkugh · 15/02/2022 03:37

@halloweenie13 that's so insulting.
I have three sons and while I love them to death I don't think they're completely innocent at all times or the sun shines out their asses, but boys can be victims of toxic abusive relationships as well.
Trust me, my oldest DS has been there.

I actually think I'm too hard on my boys sometimes. I want them to be good men and not like half the men you read about in here, and even when I was seeing the text messages the GF was sending through I would sometimes still question DS to ask what he had said/done to her to possibly make her act that way. I saw his side of conversations and in the end turns out she WAS just a manipulative controlling person.

CheekyHobson · 15/02/2022 04:10

This is all were being told by OP, far too often teenage girls are being made out to be 'crazy or jealous' when the boyfriends are horrible and cheat and then the parents do nothing about it and think he is the light of their lives.

I'm sorry if you've been hurt by a situation similar to what you've described but you seem to be projecting onto the OP. There's no obvious reason to doubt what she's written from an objective viewpoint.

@TedsTortoise

This is a tough lesson for your son. Obviously he cares about his girlfriend's wellbeing enough to not want to hurt her feelings, even if he doesn't want a romantic relationship with her any longer, which shows he's a decent young man.

But this is one of those pivotal moments in life where he learns first-hand about what it means for a person to be responsible for their own feelings.

He knows he doesn't want to continue his romantic relationship with this girl for whatever (usually complex) reasons, so being responsible for his own feelings means he has a responsibility to communicate that truth to her in a clear and kind way.

He doesn't have to justify his feelings (as in prove their rightness or wrongness) to anyone, including her –feelings are not facts, they are personal – though he may decide it would be right to give her some kind of explanation for why his feelings have changed, even if that explanation is difficult for her to hear (eg. "I do care about you and enjoy spending time with you, but I have other people in my life besides you, like my friends and you seem unwilling to accept that so being in a relationship with you isn't working for me" - or whatever explanation is true for him).

She then might have a lot of difficult feelings in response to hearing what he has to say –sadness, disappointment, fear of loss of control over the direction of her life. And those are HER feelings to deal with in a responsible way. It may take some time for her to get through those feelings. But they're HER feelings and it's her choice what actions she takes in response – healthy or unhealthy.

Some people will go out and get drunk and vent and cry to their friends. Some people will hide in their rooms and eat ice cream and think about what went wrong and how they might act differently in future relationships. Taylor Swift writes songs and makes a lot of money. Some people go to the gym a lot and tell themselves they'll find someone better. A very few people will kill themselves and that is sad because it signifies extreme mental health issues and a real lack of coping skills. Those are still that person's choices alone, and nobody else's.

Your son might also have his own feelings to deal with after he's broken up with his girlfriend. He might feel guilty about the bad feelings she's having but recognise he can't 'fix' those bad feelings unless he ignores his own feelings. He might feel relieved to be free again. He might feel confused. And he will make his own choices about what he does afterwards. He might go out with his mates and get drunk and try to ignore the guilt until it fades (which it will). He might have a quiet few days remembering the good times and feeling sad himself but also reflecting on what sort of different qualities he might look for in a girlfriend in future (eg more sociable herself and not wanting to spend all her time with him). He might race out and rush into meeting someone new without thinking too much about it all in which case he might find himself in a similar situation down the line. Again, all his own choices. All you can do as a parent is acknowledge his feelings, offer him wisdom on what sort of responses might be healthy ways of dealing with them and what might be less healthy, and let him choose.

The girlfriend's parents sound problematic given they berated him for not feeling the way about their daughter that they wanted him to (as though she/they own his feelings, and not him!), so it's no mystery where her control issues and poor ability to manage her feelings in a healthy way come from. Hopefully he can see that if it's explained to him.

FedUpOfLighteningCrotch · 15/02/2022 04:29

I’d struggle not to roll my eyes if I’m honest. People who want to end their life very rarely make it public knowledge which is why it’s so hard to prevent.

He needs to stand his ground, end the ralrionshil and leave her with a leaflet for a suicide prevention charity.. then wish her luck with her ongoing mental health issues. Then block her number and social media accounts so she can no longer manipulate him.

This is classic abusive behaviour and he needs to get out now.. and also why young teens need to choose wisely if intent on having a relationship because 9/10 they’re just jot Katie enough (her, not your son he sounds completely reasonable)

Good luck OP. It must be frustrating for you, and scary for him.

FedUpOfLighteningCrotch · 15/02/2022 04:31

Not mature* not jot Katie 🤣 it’s much easier to type when I’m not being kicked in the back by a 2 year old.

Blossom64265 · 15/02/2022 04:51

You need to get serious about this. There are two possibilities for her reaction. Either her threats of suicide are real in which case they should be reported and she should get mental health support or they are abusive. From everything you have posted, it’s pretty clear it’s the later. You need to explain to your son that what she is doing isn’t just manipulative, it is flat out abuse.

If he is in an abusive relationship, he doesn’t have to break up with her following normal protocols. It should be as detached as possible.

highlighta · 15/02/2022 05:33

It's so shitty when things affect your child.

How do they communicate usually? Do they see each other in person a lot or do they mainly chat over messaging?

I don't usually think breaks ups should be done over messages, but in this instance I think it may be better. So that your ds can have his say and get it all out. As, in person she will know it's coming when he starts, may talk him round, makes threats again etc.

The replies will come in thick and fast no doubt, but there is the block option.

I know they say it's a rite of passage etc have have breakups in your teen years. But having been though similar with my dd of 18 last year, it really messed with her head. She also did the breaking up and felt such guilt about it. Also in a very controlling relationship. He was just awful to her after so he was blocked, but his true colours really shone through when he realised she was serious.

It took her a while to process it, and she doubted her decision daily for quite a while. Just to prepare you OP that you will most likely be picking up some pieces for a little while after.

But imo that is what parents are there for. At 16 they do need the support to get through it, no matter if the are the one breaking up or being broke up with.

I do hope that her parents will step up, but don't be too alarmed if they contact you too about it. That happened to me, I distanced myself from his mother, but I can see where the controlling bit came from.

A year on now, she is so much wiser. But it was quite a tough time. So just want to give you a heads up that the aftermath is quite taxing too.

All the best to you and your ds 💐

jay55 · 15/02/2022 05:33

Take his phone off him once he's messaged her to end it. So if she contacts him through different accounts or her friends etc he doesn't have to see the messages.

Maybe go to the cinema together or something to distract him.

Best of luck.

highlighta · 15/02/2022 05:42

@jay55

Take his phone off him once he's messaged her to end it. So if she contacts him through different accounts or her friends etc he doesn't have to see the messages.

Maybe go to the cinema together or something to distract him.

Best of luck.

Yes to the distraction.

Gosh I forgot that I took my dd to see just about every movie showing, we took up hiking and every day we made plans for what to make for dinner so we cound shop for anything needed and then make quite complex (and time consuming) meals. Just anything to distract from normal routine.

If he doesn't cook, now is your chance OP 😊 thankfully that one stuck and I get some great meals made for me now. Always a silver lining. 💐

IrishMama2015 · 15/02/2022 10:17

@halloweenie13 if we expand on your point and we imagine the OPs son has done something wrong, it is NO justification for holding someone to ransom through suicide. Even if he had hurt her, which we have no reason to believe, he does not deserve this and this young woman needs to learn better coping strategies

mumofblu · 15/02/2022 10:27

I'm on the other side of this .
My Dd recently threatened suicide when her BF finished it with her following her doing something and him posting on social media . Neither of them behaved well . She has trust issues following an assault when she was younger . He was very distressed and came back to her because he loves her not because he doesn't want to be with her . That's the difference .
As her mother I am watching carefully , ofc I have spoken to her about what happened . She is receiving counselling and the school are fully aware . He goes to the same school . They have spoken to his parents about what happened . They are both 15 . Telling them to finish is not realistic but as her parent all I can do is let school know , get her the help she needs and I've told him that he is not responsible for her . I check her phone too .

TedsTortoise · 15/02/2022 10:31

I’m under no illusion that ds is flawless.
Relationships take two, and I’m very aware that he is often very blunt to the point of being hurtful, which I will discuss with him.

I suspect his gf knows deep down that it’s not working, and the controlling behaviour has escalated as a way to try to hang on to him.
They tend to FaceTime every evening, my house is small, walls are thin, i can hear what’s going on.

OP posts:
TedsTortoise · 15/02/2022 10:32

That was a reply to @halloweenie13, not sure why the quote didn’t work.

OP posts:
TedsTortoise · 15/02/2022 10:37

Thank you for the replies, lots of fabulous advice which I will read through again.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 15/02/2022 10:46

They are 15 year old CHILDREN and I think i tis clear your son needs your help.

On occasion when ds has felt uncomfortable with a situation he has asked me to intervene (eg telling his friends I am not allowing him to go out to a party where he knows there will be drink and weed). I think you should step in and as a PP said, be the bad guy, maybe he could say he is banned from seeing her until after GCSE's (or if he is in Year 12 college exams etc)

Comefromaway · 15/02/2022 10:46

sorry 16 year old

TedsTortoise · 15/02/2022 10:50

If he’d go along with a ban I would definitely try that, if nothing else it could create enough distance for her to settle down and for ds to build up to finishing it.

OP posts:
MrsKippling · 15/02/2022 10:55

Contact her parents, the school and then call the police if she threatens again and then block her on all platforms. 111 are an assessment service so they won't be able to do anything unless she calls herself or she is physically in the room with him when he calls. I know this because I went through this with an ex fairly regularly for years although we were adults.

My ex actually did make several attempts so they weren't empty threats in that situation so I would definitely make sure her parents are aware even if they are encouraging this behaviour. Really hope it all works out ok for your son OP this must be very difficult.

DropYourSword · 15/02/2022 10:57

If you can hear what is being said and she is genuinely this controlling and manipulative then if I was you I may be tempted to contact her parents after they split up. Only in a "I'm really sorry to trouble you, but my son has ended things with your daughter and she's mentioning suicide. I want you to be aware so you can ensure she's ok".

TedsTortoise · 15/02/2022 11:02

My gut instinct is that she’s being manipulative, but I would definitely text (and block like a coward!) as I wouldn’t want to risk it.

OP posts: