Has parenting teens impacted negatively on your marriage?

[Temporaryrespite]

DH and I have been married a long time and are just emerging from six quite challenging years parenting teens. Nothing major like drink or drugs but quite a bit of defiance, arguing, disrespectful behaviour, mild mh issues. Don't get me wrong, I love my teens to death but I feel exhausted, like it's taken everything to get them through this challenging time and of course Covid hasn't helped.

I feel that all of this upset has had a negative impact on DH and me because although he was an involved parent, we disagreed a lot of the time about parenting strategies. I felt he was too laid back and indulgent and unwilling to set the most basic of boundaries and yet he was still the dominant figure in the home somehow so the DC followed his lead not mine which meant that I often felt I was battling him as well as the DC, when I had hoped he would be by my side and we would be parenting together. I often felt I had to be the disciplinarian and the one who constantly asked them to clear up after themselves, when I felt it should be both of us doing this.

And although it wasn't as clear cut as taking sides, of course the DC sided with him because he let them get away with a lot. Maybe it's a father-daughter thing from which I have felt almost excluded at times in quite a hurtful way. I don't blame my daughters for this obviously as they are just going through the normal stages of adolescence which has been very difficult for them too.

Now we are through the worst and the teens are away studying at university, there is an awkwardness between DH and me as I feel I have a lot of unresolved anger towards him about all of this. Maybe this is normal but I suspect not. Suffice to say, I had always looked forward to spending time with DH when the DC were gone because we had always got on well prior to the teen years, but now we are at that point, during term time anyway, things aren't quite how I expected them to be. Apart from anything else, I just feel drained of emotion, like I don't have anything else to give.

Anyone else?

Maybe it's only me then

You are not alone.
I had a similar post written up yesterday but didn't post in the end.
It is lonely parenting teens and not seeing eye to eye with your spouse.
In our case, I am the slightly more laid back one.
It's my husband who is feeling like I do not side him when it comes to discipline.
When they were babies and toddlers we were very much in synch and it made parenting easy.
Now we don't agree and it does cause a lot of grief.
In general I think regardless every couple needs to work on their relationships regardless of kids.
I personally fail to do this.
I have no advice but just wanted to say "I hear you op"

Thank you Scoobydoobydoo, I really appreciate your reply and you've hit the nail on the head when you say it's lonely. I don't mind my own company and being physically alone, but I do feel emotionally distanced from DH atm.

Posted too soon.

Scoobydoobydoo sorry to hear you are in the same boat. I've found there isn't always a lot of energy left over to put in to your marriage when teens are taking up so much of your time and attention, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Also, it takes two! Does your DH put the effort in too?

Unfortunately neither does DH.
He is a lovely lovely man with not a bad bone in the body but we have sadly not made time for each other and invested in each other since the kids arrived.
What doesn't help is not having any family around. However that is no longer an excuse as the kids are older and happy to be on their own for a few hours.
It's strange to be thinking this on Valentine's day.
I did ponder when I wanted to vent last night whether it would be more appropriate to post in relationships or the teens board 😅

My DH is a very good person too. And we haven't put the effort in either. I suppose we were both in the trenches there for a while and have only just come up for air. Funnily enough, I am also far away from family and the irony of posting this on St V's day is not lost on me either I suppose it shows that it's possible to have a good marriage, with a good partnership, and then life takes its toll.

You could also be feeling the empty nester syndrome so it could also be complicating how you feel about yourself and each other.
If possible find something that you do for yourself each day or week and also something you could both do together.

Give it time and give time "time" for things to take their course

Yes I am sure you are right Scoobydoobydoo we do need to make more of an effort. This sounds terrible because of course I miss the dcs a lot, but I was looking forward to having more time to spend with DH. And the DC have been at home more than usual at various times because of Covid so we haven't experienced such a dramatic change I guess until now.

Hi. Do you feel able to tell him how you feel? The sentence you wrote about being in the trenches sums it up and maybe he feels the same? Would you/ he consider couples counselling as that may help…

I think Your'll find that this is really common. In most marriages one parent does slightly more than the other, one is softer and one a bit more of a disciplinarian.

You are not alone. Communication is key here. Counselling? Don’t let the resentment build up.

I hear you too, Temporary. Our DD is still in the throes of teenagery-ness (she's 16) and I have days on which I am so angry with (and often vaguely disappointed in) my husband that I can feel myself gradually starting to give up and just feel slightly numb towards him. I often think we won't get through it but I'm also really not sure that I have any energy to give to it either.

Yep I felt very unsupported by DH through a lot of the teen years. He buried himself in work and left me to it to a certain extent. He doesn’t cope well with stress so I found myself shielding him from the worst of DDs behaviour as I couldn’t cope with dealing with him as well as her. This is something I’ve only recently recognised properly.

I was also struggling with an elderly parent at the worst of the teen years. Now DHs parents need help and I’m resentful that he expects me to do a lot, when he didn’t step up with mine.

I love him, we do still have a laugh together but there’s an underlying resentment there.

You are not alone. Same as you a tricky few years of teenage behaviour. Nothing horrendous but constant and challenging. I feel that we tried to be on the same page but I think DH often does not understand how difficult I found it all and the distance, at the time it created between myself and ds. This has healed but so many of my conversations revolved around what to do with ds, how to support ds that we forgot to ask the same about each other. I know I love DH and he loves me and we survived it in one way but we need to remember who we were, are deep down and how to celebrate each other again. It’s funny how parenthood changes your perception of yourself and your partnership. Thank you for posting this today.

OP, are you me?
Although my teens are boys. But yes. Very much still in the trenches here as a year to go until flying the nest. But our previous happy marriage of 27 years is being tested. I'm bad cop. We're exhausted. I'm trying not to harbour resentments for a sometimes lack of support. I think we will get thru this we've had other challenges. But it's a lot all this mid life stuff & covid & elderly relatives & menopause & constant challenges of teens. Like a perfect storm. But I'm quite low with it sometimes and wonder what will be left on the otherside

I'm at this point already and the oldest is only 8. Just so much pointless shouting , I've no idea how he sees that playing out with teens that are taller than him. They'll be taking strips out of him with the resentment of all his unnecessary authoritarianism. His lack of foresight seems stupid, and it's very hard not to respect him less. Doesn't matter what the difference is I suppose, but yes it's hard not to resent him particularly when I've had very honest conversations and only get told I'm not perfect either.

You are definitely not alone. I could throttle my other half some days. Teenage years are HARD!

We have 25 year old DS with ADHD who fell apart in lockdown and was very aggressive. Looked after DH's parents for about 5 years and I was also making a journey of 3 buses there and back again, to see my dad who had dementia. I'm now looking after my mum and DH is WFH which is awful as can't ever relax. Keep dreaming ahead to a time when you can go for a little holiday alone 🌷

15 ! Not 25

I've just got in from work to see all of these replies. Sorry you are in the same boat but thank you so much for posting. I'm sending you all a wave of solidarity

It makes me feel immediately better just reading about everyone's experience. If this is more common than I thought, it gives me hope that maybe there is hope for dh and me?

MacavityTheDentistsCat I can totally identify with the numbness and the lack of energy. I feel as though I have been run over by a truck and that's not an exaggeration.

Overwintered yes our situations are very similar. We were previously v happy for 27 years too. And Covid has intensified everything I suppose. I feel quite low with it too atm. I don't know how you balance it all with elderly parents though

springisaroundthecorner Those of you with elderly parents, and dc with SN, and teens, all deserve massive recognition for keeping going through difficult times

mumonthehill thank you for your fantastic post, full of wisdom. It's good to hear that your relationship with your ds has repaired itself too.

I know for a fact my dh doesn't understand how hard I have found the past six years.. And he and I have spent so much time, energy, thought, practical work, money, focus, ploughing everything we have in to the dc, even down to only cooking their food preferences, that we have forgotten about ourselves.

Cherryblossoms85 I am the strict parent in our household but the shouting from your dh sounds counter productive. Does your dh come from a shouty family? How does he respond when you talk to him about it? Could he take a parenting class or perhaps see a psychologist himself?

BigSandyBalls2015 Your resentment is totally understandable. I hear you as my dh buried himself in his work too although he is more stress resistant than me. Can you talk to your dh about how unfair it is that he expects you to step up for his parents when he did not help.with your yours? Can you step back a bit? If you don't do it, would he step up?

And thank you everyone who emphasised that talking and communication is the key to reaolving this. It's given me a big red signpost as to how to proceed in future. It's pretty obvious really now I think about it, but seeing it written down is very helpful. Perhaps a small break away, just dh and me, might be helpful to start?

I think I would initially prefer to put our time and resources in to spending more time together without dc before embarking on counselling. One step at a time I think ... .thank you again.

If you don’t want to go down the counselling route yet- this was really interesting and helpful for my husband and myself.

www.5lovelanguages.com/

Thank you very much for the helpful link gardenhelpneeded

@Temporaryrespite we did the quiz and it was such an eye opener. Really has helped.

gardenhelpneeded glad it worked for you!

Having loomed at it, I can 100% testify that dh and I speak totally different love languages.

Looked at it!