Has parenting teens impacted negatively on your marriage?

[Temporaryrespite]

DH and I have been married a long time and are just emerging from six quite challenging years parenting teens. Nothing major like drink or drugs but quite a bit of defiance, arguing, disrespectful behaviour, mild mh issues. Don't get me wrong, I love my teens to death but I feel exhausted, like it's taken everything to get them through this challenging time and of course Covid hasn't helped.

I feel that all of this upset has had a negative impact on DH and me because although he was an involved parent, we disagreed a lot of the time about parenting strategies. I felt he was too laid back and indulgent and unwilling to set the most basic of boundaries and yet he was still the dominant figure in the home somehow so the DC followed his lead not mine which meant that I often felt I was battling him as well as the DC, when I had hoped he would be by my side and we would be parenting together. I often felt I had to be the disciplinarian and the one who constantly asked them to clear up after themselves, when I felt it should be both of us doing this.

And although it wasn't as clear cut as taking sides, of course the DC sided with him because he let them get away with a lot. Maybe it's a father-daughter thing from which I have felt almost excluded at times in quite a hurtful way. I don't blame my daughters for this obviously as they are just going through the normal stages of adolescence which has been very difficult for them too.

Now we are through the worst and the teens are away studying at university, there is an awkwardness between DH and me as I feel I have a lot of unresolved anger towards him about all of this. Maybe this is normal but I suspect not. Suffice to say, I had always looked forward to spending time with DH when the DC were gone because we had always got on well prior to the teen years, but now we are at that point, during term time anyway, things aren't quite how I expected them to be. Apart from anything else, I just feel drained of emotion, like I don't have anything else to give.

Anyone else?

They’re hardly minor problems if they result in the end of our marriages though.

I am so glad I found this thread and thank you @TemporaryrespiteTemporaryRespite and others for posting this. I have tried to talk to some of my friends about this, but I don't think they can relate or have different circumstances. I have felt very alone and it helps knowing there are others out there feeling and experiencing similar.

When my dc were young and had earlier bedtimes, my DH and I had lots of quality time together and we were on the same page parentingwise. I think what helped our relationship then when the dc were younger was making time for each other, spending evenings together and going out at least once a week. It helped us really connect together.

However since our dc have become teens with one who has already gone to Uni, our relationship has suffered and gone downhill. We rarely go out. DH would rather be on standby for the kids and gets sad when they would rather go out with friends or spend time in their bedroom for example. He would rather go out together with them than with me. He also works into the evenings. I'm left always feeling like a last resort choice and feeling that even when he is with me, he would much rather be doing stuff with them. Consequently, I have filled up my evenings now with evening classes and going out with other friends as I am lonely and sad knowing although he is in the house, I get the impression he would rather be doing something else without me anyway like surfing the net, working or reading political articles.

I too feel resentful - as I am always bad cop. He hates pulling them up on things because he avoids any confrontation. He always siding with the dc - openly disagreeing with me. His attitude is exactly like your DH's @sairiegamp saying that they have plenty of time to do things when they are older and living on their own. He uses the saying "cometh the hour cometh the man" ..... for doing basic household chores.... . I suspect it is because his Mum used to do everything for him, but he said that once he moved in with me that he learnt to do everything.