Has parenting teens impacted negatively on your marriage?

[Temporaryrespite]

DH and I have been married a long time and are just emerging from six quite challenging years parenting teens. Nothing major like drink or drugs but quite a bit of defiance, arguing, disrespectful behaviour, mild mh issues. Don't get me wrong, I love my teens to death but I feel exhausted, like it's taken everything to get them through this challenging time and of course Covid hasn't helped.

I feel that all of this upset has had a negative impact on DH and me because although he was an involved parent, we disagreed a lot of the time about parenting strategies. I felt he was too laid back and indulgent and unwilling to set the most basic of boundaries and yet he was still the dominant figure in the home somehow so the DC followed his lead not mine which meant that I often felt I was battling him as well as the DC, when I had hoped he would be by my side and we would be parenting together. I often felt I had to be the disciplinarian and the one who constantly asked them to clear up after themselves, when I felt it should be both of us doing this.

And although it wasn't as clear cut as taking sides, of course the DC sided with him because he let them get away with a lot. Maybe it's a father-daughter thing from which I have felt almost excluded at times in quite a hurtful way. I don't blame my daughters for this obviously as they are just going through the normal stages of adolescence which has been very difficult for them too.

Now we are through the worst and the teens are away studying at university, there is an awkwardness between DH and me as I feel I have a lot of unresolved anger towards him about all of this. Maybe this is normal but I suspect not. Suffice to say, I had always looked forward to spending time with DH when the DC were gone because we had always got on well prior to the teen years, but now we are at that point, during term time anyway, things aren't quite how I expected them to be. Apart from anything else, I just feel drained of emotion, like I don't have anything else to give.

Anyone else?

I found that it helped us understand each other better.

Parenting teenagers is really tough!

I think DH and I have managed okay as we both have a fairly similar approach to parenting but it’s not been easy and I’m not looking forward to Ds2 leaving for university in September this year!

I do feel that a lot will change when both dses are away and I fear it won’t be easy. We got a cat when Ds1 left which ridiculously has really helped because I think I need to be needed and she has given us a focus. We also face the challenge of DH retiring whilst I have had a promotion and will be working harder than ever so all a bit odd really.

We have found regular short trips away help, just getting away and spending time together. We don’t spend a lot, just a cheap premier inn and one night stays normally.

Yes, it's f*cking stressful.

A few of my friends who have retired early have found it quite a strain on their relationship CosmicComfort so it may not altogether be a bad thing that you will be out of the house for longer . It will be a massive change of dynamic though that's for sure.

14yo giving us grief at the moment, but trying to work through stuff together. Not easy being strict all the time.

Not easy being strict all the time

Exactly that User48751490 especially when you have to be stricter than comes naturally to you, because your dh won't or can't make the unpopular decisions.

"See what your Mum says" is a good one DH churns out to DS🙄

Oh this is just us. DS1 at uni. DS2 is a ball of teenage anger. DH not coping well. Is WFH and a sitting target. I have learned to step back, make time for myself and talk.
I think DH is depressed but he will NOT seek help. Says the only solution is for DS (16) to leave. We're in a dreadful vicious circle.
DS2 will NOT talk either. Talk about his father's son!
I've no answers but will now prioritise to take care of my own MH.
DS1 will not come home until situation resolved. It's so sad.

Rabbitonthebank I really sympathise with you and your DH. Things are better now but I used to be the sitting target in our house and it's really draining. I like to think though I helped to act as some sort of "shock absorber" through which the DDs could expunge the worst of their frustrations. It wasn't easy though.

This sounds like a really stressful situation for you all. Could you possibly seek outside support and go to a family counsellor or a systemic psychologist?

User48751490 oh please no, not the "ask your mother" routine . It's such a cop out.

I’m really glad it’s not just us. Teens (one is autistic and one isn’t) and then youngest dc who is also autistic. I’ve found our parenting has become more evidently different. DH doesn’t step in unless I ask or if it really bothers him and then he shouts which does nothing. And sometimes the stuff he’s bothered about is minor - autistic child eating loudly. I’ll be honest the resentment is deep and I’m not sure how we’ll recover. DH says I’m not affection whereas I’m tired of being the one to shoulder the huge emotional burden - and working and childcare. Teamed with a DH who cannot listen to how I feel as he takes it as a huge criticism even when delivered very softly softly and becomes aggressive and then sulky. I suspect our love language is very different as well. I suspect he’s shows affection and I come up as acts of service.

If you can move past the resentment, it’s about being kind to each other. Reestablishing what your relationship now looks like.

That all sounds really stressful Lookingforatimeslip You must be worn out trying to meet everyones different needs. And I have the same issue when trying to talk to dh. He swings between two extremes in that he either takes it as criticism and sulks, and shuts me out and avoids all communication, or he takes the slightest bit of venting from me as a sign that he has to take responsibility for everything (which he doesn't btw) which wasn't what I meant at all. The "not stepping in until asked" thing is so frustrating though

Wow, this is one of those "I could have written your post" moments, except we didn't make it and divorced while youngest child was still at home. Parenting was a big contributor to that, although there were other things too.

What's so sad is that when the children were little we seemed to see completely eye to eye. But as they got older and different challenges emerged, EXDW seemed to just go into complete denial about our role as parents in providing structure and boundaries. I then felt exactly as you have described - like I was not only having to do all that myself, but having to do it against the contrary force of her negating it all and the teens taking her side because they got what they wanted that way.

It wasn't so much the managing of parenting itself that was the final nail in the coffin (hard as that was) but the amount of bitterness and resentment it created between the two of us. As you've managed to survive that, at least in practical terms of still being married, I hope you're able to overcome it and somehow move on.

Although the problem has a nasty habit of dragging on, for example when adult children come back to stay and expectations need to be agreed about what's expected and what they should contribute.

Sorry that this happened to you and your ex-DW Fifteentoes it sounds really hard, and I imagine, as you say, even more difficult to come to terms with when you were a good team when the DC were younger. It is an odd experience when you have known one another for a long time, and assume that your oh will be bringing pretty much the same values, expectations and mindset to parenting that you are, and then discover that they are on a different page. Having said that, I don't think my dh's values and expectations are wildly different to mine, but he is for some reason, unable or unwilling to follow through.

Thank you for your good wishes. I very much hope that DH and I still have a marriage to salvage. I think in our case the challenges of parenting teens have had a more negative impact on us than other difficulties within our marriage; it's like a tank has driven through the middle of it causing the supporting walls to be a bit rocky. It's definitely time to try and shore them up somehow!

I was thinking about this the other day and I think parenting teens can be a bit like parenting toddlers. In the infant years you feel drained of energy and all touched out, and I would say that , emotionally speaking, the feeling is pretty similar with teens. You've supported them and ridden the ups and downs with them, and acted as a shock absorber for their stress, and tried to give them everything they need, and worried about them and their future, and now you want to just stay still for a bit and conserve energy. Not a particularly helpful emotion when you need to reach out to your partner ... .

Absolutely it did. I left when the DTs started living away aged 19. I had had enough of being the "bad guy" in the family because I expected decent behaviour from the DTs like putting own washing on, being polite, hanging own coats up, normal adult stuff really, which my ex never supported me in expecting. His line was "they have a lifetime ahead of them of doing those things, I'll do it for them now" which drove me mad in itself but the effect ... of me being the witch, the nasty parent, the odd one out, and as the killing blow. Yet we were on the same page when they were small and my ex is a really kind good man. But turned out to be a limp lettuce in the face of teens. Put yourself first and make your life bigger than your family is my advice now. You need lots and lots of other sources of endorsement and appreciation to survive it all.

Omg, thank you for this thread!
I’m right in this middle of this, spend my day caring at work, then am totally emotionally sucked dry at home. Thank you all for all your tips on getting through

@Itsadoglife my DH can be like this. Eldest is nearly 14 and is a decent kid - stroppy sometimes but then who isn’t. He’s quite tough on our dc who is autistic which I find beyond frustrating as whatever they do isn’t on purpose. The lack of patience is incredibly frustrating.

It's very interesting to read everyone's different experiences.

I hear you about feeling emotionally drained Littlemissprosecco. Must be extra hard on top of your job too

You need lots and lots of other sources of endorsement and appreciation to survive it all
I think this^^ is excellent advice and I found your post very touching sairiegamp, how you say your DH is a good kind man despite your disagreements over parenting and how you felt unsupported and the odd one out. I can totally sympathise with all of that

I'm glad it has helped to write it down but sorry you are going through this Itsadogslife. You describe it so well and write so well! Could you read your post out to your DH in a moment of calm do you think? Or ask for his reflections? This sounds like it is something from his past, perhaps his own experience of being parented, intruding in to your otherwise happy life. It's so unfair if he is unaware and you and DD have to suffer the consequences.

Sounds difficult Lookingforatimeslip, especially when your autistic DC needs more sensitivity not less.

We all have a very reasonable expectation of support from our spouses when it comes to parenting and it's probably naieve of me but I was so surprised and confused when I found myself in conflict with my DH just at the time when things were highly pressured with teens and I needed his support the most. It honestly blind-sided me for a good while! Still cannot really get my head around it.

It's not over every teen parenting issue by any means as we agree about most boundary setting issues outside of the house such as curfews, drinking, driving alone etc. It's more to do with how we interact with one another in the home. He is sort of the "dominant male" but then doesn't lead in terms of tidying up, respect for the home etc. Nor does he intervene very strongly when DC speaking disrespectfully to me. (He is always very respectful to me but he hates confrontation of any sort.) I can defend myself but his lack of action sends its own message ifyswim and I don't think he gets it!

I'd say parenting a teen has been more of a challenge for our relationship than looking after a non sleeping newborn ever was!

@Comedycook

I'd say parenting a teen has been more of a challenge for our relationship than looking after a non sleeping newborn ever was!

Yes same here!

I have been chatting about this to a friend tonight and we both agree that having DC later in life has not helped! There are advantages and disadvantages of course but I think it is very much a disadvantage when it comes to parenting teens in terms of energy and not being as stress resistant as when we were younger.

Having said that, I don't think my dh's values and expectations are wildly different to mine, but he is for some reason, unable or unwilling to follow through.

OMG that's us to a T as well. We'd have long and earnest conversations about, express our points of view, work out a compromise and feel ever so reasonable. Then literally the next day she'd ignore it and it would be like the whole conversation never happened. And if I tried to put any of the things we'd agreed between ourselves into practice, in any situation where they might cause tension, I was being "too inflexible".

I've thought about this at some length and in retrospect, I think she was basically scared of them.

I can relate. I have 3 teens between 14 and 19. I’m stressed and exhausted beyond belief with them. Dh is not their dad but we have been together for 10 years. Teens have a good relationship with Dh, but I do all t parenting, as they have a dad. But he is shit and they barely see him. I feel totally on my own like all the responsibility is on me. They all have their own issues and it seems if i ta not one it’s another.

What with dealing with practical things such as lifts into town, extracurricular activities etc it’s the fact that they are up way past my bedtime and always seem to want or need me for something. There is literally zero couple time for Dh and I and the house is full all the time with one friend or another.

I have one at uni and another going next year too so financially I am being crippled. It’s all give. I’m stressed, worried and drained with parenting them and Dh is worried sick about the impact this is having on me. He pulls his weight by doing all the practical things to help me and the dc, it’s the emotional stuff that hits me hardest.

Resentment.
It never goes away and it’s a relationship killer.

Me too different parenting styles and I feel resentful.
I feel I have to do all the teenage parenting.
3 dc dd1 18 dd2 17 ds13
Do worked from home on a struggling business no income for 15 years it suited us one been at home but still all kids stuff was left to me his defence was I wanted to do it.
He wouldn't know what exams they had what results they got. Who they hang out with and then I'm the physio mum if I want to see who they are meeting. DH would drop them off and not even look who they were meeting this caused so much arguments.
I know I still have alot of it ahead of me with dd2 and ds and don't know how I am going to cope.
Think I'm menopausal too which doesn't help with teenagers.
I don't think me and Dh will be together when they all leave.
He has got a full time job now for the past year but he literally goes to work does some chores in house but never shows interest in important stuff like school or their friends and the dc are OK with this.
Sorry to hear so many of you going through similar but one thing we should be thankful for is that it is just minor problems.