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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dh thinks I have spoilt 14yo ds - have I?

62 replies

PJGirls · 15/01/2022 17:31

Huge arguments at the moment because dh thinks I have spoilt ds and let him get away with everything. It’s come to a head today and I need some help figuring it out.

We decided to go on a local walk today and as ds didn’t have plans he came with us. All went well until we got to the point where we would normally turn back. Dh decided he wanted to go further. Ds said he didn’t want to because he was cold.

What would normally happen in this situation? In our case Dh told ds he had to do the extra bit of the walk. Ds started walking home. Dh started shouting. I tried to convince ds to continue but he refused so we walked home together.

Dh thinks that I have spoilt ds which is why he couldn’t cope doing something he didn’t want to do. And any normal child would have done what he was told. Dh keeps saying that ds is pathetic :(

Help please!

OP posts:
horseymum · 15/01/2022 17:37

I love it when our teens come for a walk, I wouldn't push it further than they had initially agreed. Maybe there are other things which make your dh think ds is spoiled?

SpacePotato · 15/01/2022 17:37

What was the issue with your son walking home whilst you or DH carried on with the walk?

He's 14 not 4.

Your DH on the other hand acted like a spoilt child.

Lazypuppy · 15/01/2022 17:39

He's 14, him choosing to walk jome while you guys carried on would have made the most sense surely? Why did you go with ds?

AlexaShutUp · 15/01/2022 17:41

He's 14. Old enough to decide that he has had enough and wants to walk back. Your DH sounds quite controlling tbh.

Why did you walk back? Had you had enough already or would you have preferred to walk further?

EmpressCixi · 15/01/2022 17:42

You haven’t spoiled DS at all, he is simply 14 and so like any teenager needs a bit more autonomy. In your situation, if my 14yo had decided to head home instead of extending the walk, we would have said ok, thanks for coming on a lovely walk with us, we will continue on and see you back at home later. And my 14yo would have walked back home themselves.

Teenagers aren’t small children anymore, they need to be able to have a bit more autonomy and independence. Your DH is out of order to shout and verbally abuse your DS calling him pathetic. Why should your DS have to “cope with doing something he doesn’t want to do” when the activity of a walk is meant to be an enjoyable experience. It’s not work or a chore. If you were out with an adult friend who said “hey I’m not up to keep on, so I’m going to head back but you carry on if you like” you’d not shout and call them pathetic for not wanting to walk as far as you.

All your DHs shouting is going to do is stop your DS from doing anything with you in future.

HMG107 · 15/01/2022 17:43

It sounds like your husband is the issue.

In our house DH knows he is an adult and if we were in your shoes he has the choice to:

  1. Carry on by himself if he's fine with that
  2. Speak up if he wants a family walk but knows he can't control other people
  3. Explain if he'd like me to stay but is happy for our child to go and again understands he can't control me

If I did go home and he was disappointed we'd talk about it whilst cuddling in bed then plan more family time. He wouldn't have a strop, blame others rather than confront his own emotions nor try to control our child. I know this as I've had a lot on recently and did detach from the family so we had this chat just a few weeks ago and have planned accordingly.

Is he always such an idiot/control freak?

elelel · 15/01/2022 17:43

Bit dramatic for a walk. DS doesn't want to carry on, DS goes home.

fairlygoodmother · 15/01/2022 17:43

Your husband sounds like a bit of a bully. What did you want? Why does what he fancies doing take precedence over everyone else?

I would push back strongly on your dh here. Otherwise your ds will never want to spend time with you. I’m sure he will think twice before agreeing to go out for a walk with you again.

Holidaypls2022 · 15/01/2022 17:43

I love it when our teens come for a walk, I wouldn't push it further than they had initially agreed.

I agree with this. They're not tiny children anymore who just follow without question. It's lovely that he wanted to go with you, and in his head he had done the walk that was expected. As pp said, he cld have easily gone home alone, or your DH could have not turned it into an issue and you all could have gone back as you obviously normally would have.

CiderJolly · 15/01/2022 17:46

It sounds like ‘d’h is jealous of ds.

SportsMother · 15/01/2022 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katepilar · 15/01/2022 17:49

Normally if someone in your group is cold and wants to go home, you all go home or split. Forcing a 14yo to continue a walk I dont find acceptable. Accusing you of spoiling your child because of this is absolutely ridiculous.

ADialgaAteMyDog · 15/01/2022 17:52

I don't see the connection between feeling cold and wanting to go inside and being spoilt? What's wrong with that? If another adult had felt the same way what would DH say about that?

Puffalicious · 15/01/2022 17:58

Your DH is totally in the wrong. I have 2 teen DS. They would be the ones forging ahead usually as they're outdoorsy, but if they weren't they can make their own decisions FGS. I'm involved with DofE with teens and loads and loads are really reluctant/ unfit/ sore. It takes time to build up their resilience- baby steps at times- you can't just demand shit like your DH. On top of that some banter/ fun/ bit of a competition/ silliness together with stopping to chat about the wildlife/ flora means they're having a good time and more likely to finish. Your DH sounds totally in his own head and doesn't understand the average teen!

I disagree with others though, I would have walked home with your DS too- a chance to chat one to one and so he doesn't feel he's in the wrong.

xyzandabc · 15/01/2022 17:58

He's 14. Perfectly acceptable to say he's had enough and walk home himself, while you two carried on and do the longer walk.

DH unreasonable to start shouting and say ds must carry on. 14 is perfectly old enough to make his own decisions, him walking home in his own had no effect on either you or DH.

You walked home with DS, was that because you too were cold and wanted to go home, or was it because you thought you had to choose between dS and DH and you chose Ds. Why did you not just let ds go home and you carry on the walk with DH? I'm not sure from the OP but did you have free will to do what YOU wanted, or do you feel controlled and pulled in 2 directions by the males in your life trying to please them both?

SwanShaped · 15/01/2022 18:00

Why was he so annoyed that your son wanted to walk home?

SpeedRunParent · 15/01/2022 18:00

I think your DH shouting is your problem, have you asked him why he behaved so childishly? Is there a reason that what he wants trumps what anyone else wants? Does he normally act like a toddler if he doesn't get his way?

riotlady · 15/01/2022 18:06

Sounds like your DH is the immature one, absolutely no need to have a tantrum and starting calling your son pathetic.
Apologies for asking but is he your son’s father?

SummerHouse · 15/01/2022 18:08

I think you have to start treating a 14 yr old as an adult to an extent. Would your DH say to a cold adult they had to go on and were 'pathetic' for not? No. But also I would let him walk home alone unless I also had had enough.

Kite22 · 15/01/2022 18:10

Dh thinks that I have spoilt ds

Has your dh not also done 50% of the raising of your ds? Why have you spoilt him ?

which is why he couldn’t cope doing something he didn’t want to do I don't see choosing not to go further than planned on a walk, when you are already cold, as "not coping". It is just making a sensible choice.

And any normal child would have done what he was told

He is 14 ! hardly a 6 yr old! There is a big difference between a 'child' and a 'teen'. Even then, all dc need some autonomy.
Who made dh the only one who has any choices in any family decisions?
Why couldn't your ds have gone back home at that point and your dh have gone on to extend the route?

Dh keeps saying that ds is pathetic

Your dh needs to have a good look at himself. Teens are very likely to have fairly low self esteem as they find their way between childhood and growing independence. Putting him down is really, really poor parenting.

Why does your dh changing his mind part way through an activity mean everyone else having to ? Confused

2ducksandI · 15/01/2022 18:11

I think you are lucky a 14 year old went with you even if he didn't have anything else to do. In that scenario I would have all gone back but thats because I would have been pleased DS came with me in the first place.

CovidForChristmas · 15/01/2022 18:12

What was the issue with you and DH carrying on and DS walking home?

Anoisagusaris · 15/01/2022 18:13

Depends….was DS just moaning or could he have continued? How far had you walked?

KittyTail · 15/01/2022 18:13

Calling your own child ‘pathetic’ is just horrible. Hmm It makes me shudder.

I would have done exactly what you did and walked home with my dc.

Rainartist · 15/01/2022 18:20

DH is being unreasonable, he should be grateful DS wanted to come with him!

I hope this is just a snapshots as DH is coming across as a bully...