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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dh thinks I have spoilt 14yo ds - have I?

62 replies

PJGirls · 15/01/2022 17:31

Huge arguments at the moment because dh thinks I have spoilt ds and let him get away with everything. It’s come to a head today and I need some help figuring it out.

We decided to go on a local walk today and as ds didn’t have plans he came with us. All went well until we got to the point where we would normally turn back. Dh decided he wanted to go further. Ds said he didn’t want to because he was cold.

What would normally happen in this situation? In our case Dh told ds he had to do the extra bit of the walk. Ds started walking home. Dh started shouting. I tried to convince ds to continue but he refused so we walked home together.

Dh thinks that I have spoilt ds which is why he couldn’t cope doing something he didn’t want to do. And any normal child would have done what he was told. Dh keeps saying that ds is pathetic :(

Help please!

OP posts:

InFiveMins · 15/01/2022 18:21

I think your son had a valid excuse - he was cold. Nothing worse than being out and feeling cold - I was the same earlier, decided against continuing on a walk as I just felt too cold - I hadn't dressed appropriately for it. Your DH's reaction was extreme and out of order.

AnneElliott · 15/01/2022 18:23

Is he his dad op? Seems odd to blame you for spoiling him if he's also responsible for bringing him up!

alexdgr8 · 15/01/2022 18:24

@SpacePotato

What was the issue with your son walking home whilst you or DH carried on with the walk?

He's 14 not 4.

Your DH on the other hand acted like a spoilt child.

agree. husband sounds like he's over-controlling. it's not a route march, or punishment detail. he's not in the army. does he usually presume to behave like a sergeant-major. is he the boy's father ?

Thatsplentyjack · 15/01/2022 18:25

I know how you feel OP this is exactly the stuff that's going on in our house at the moment with dp and nearly 14 year old ds. I'm acused of being too soft and always taking his side, which I fo actually because generally I think dp is just being a bit of a twat. Why would I go along with something dp says just to make him feel better.
I don't see the problem with you'd ds going home on his own. He's 14!

YourenutsmiLord · 15/01/2022 18:27

You walking home with him?? Definitely spoiled - why not just back up DH or let him walk home alone. No wonder DH is pissed.

TheMoth · 15/01/2022 18:29

He's 14!

Dh can be a bit like this with ds, who's 12. As ds could actually be out wandering with his mates, I think it's pretty much up to him if he wants to come for a walk or not. My parents didn't do anything like that with us, so it's all fairly new territory anyway.

Besides, there is no joy in dragging a miserable kid round.

TheMoth · 15/01/2022 18:31

I wouldn't have walked home though, unless I was also cold and had had enough.

AlexaShutUp · 15/01/2022 18:33

@YourenutsmiLord

You walking home with him?? Definitely spoiled - why not just back up DH or let him walk home alone. No wonder DH is pissed.

Maybe the OP had done enough walking too?

YourenutsmiLord · 15/01/2022 18:34

Maybe the OP had done enough walking too?
But hadn't mentioned but magically when DS moaned decided she was cold after all

steppemum · 15/01/2022 18:35

I love it when our teens come for a walk, I wouldn't push it further than they had initially agreed.

I agree.
if we randomly add further on, they are MUCH less likely to come next time.

In this situation you can

let him walk home, with a cheerful - bye then see you at home, stick the kettle on
split so you go with ds and dh walks on
all 3 go home.

Given ds was cold, in our family we would probably all go home.

The thing that stands out to me is the 'normal child would have done what he was told'

I have a 14 year old and this is so inappropriate for this age that I don't know where to start.
He sounds like a sort of miltary dictator? Is this a one off?

tara66 · 15/01/2022 18:35

Keep telling DH HE is the pathetic one. Why can't he walk by himself? - that's what is pathetic! Tell him perhaps if he had a wondeful, brilliant, sparkling personality everyone would happily walk miles with him in the cold however, as it is etc ....!

YourenutsmiLord · 15/01/2022 18:36

I think not showing a united front is the prob - true DH was probably OTT but taking DSs side is not a good idea imv

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 15/01/2022 18:36

Would you have been allowed to turn back if you decided you'd walked far enough? Or would you have been 'pathetic' as well?

Bitbloweyoutthere · 15/01/2022 18:39

A United front is so hard sometimes when your dh is just plain wrong though. And why can't dh show a united front?

irene9 · 15/01/2022 18:40

With teens you can't agree something then change the goalposts at the last minute.
You got him to go for the walk but then your DH had to push his own agenda. Then he turned hostile and belittles both you and DS.
He's insulting your good work as a parent all these years. Are you not furious about that?
Your DH is the spoilt brat here.

CallmeHendricks · 15/01/2022 18:40

All your husband has succeeded in doing is ensuring your son will never agree to another family walk ever.

Well done him!

AlexaShutUp · 15/01/2022 18:40

@YourenutsmiLord

Maybe the OP had done enough walking too? But hadn't mentioned but magically when DS moaned decided she was cold after all

Why would that be an issue, though?

The OP said that they had reached the point in the walk where they would usually turn back. Presumably both the OP and her DS assumed that they would go that far and then walk home but the DH said at that point that he wanted to go further. The DS said he didn't want to, and OP agreed.

Of course parents shouldn't undermine each other, but a united front doesn't mean that they have to pretend to have exactly the same opinion on everything. If the DH wanted to go further and the others didn't, then the obvious solution was for him to carry on alone. There was no need for him to have a tantrum about it.

Bitbloweyoutthere · 15/01/2022 18:41

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Would you have been allowed to turn back if you decided you'd walked far enough? Or would you have been 'pathetic' as well?

Dh is obsessed with the kids finishing their tea. By I think his portions can be quite big. If he has a go, I then ask him if I'm allowed to leave something as it's also too much for me. He never has an answer to that.

steppemum · 15/01/2022 18:41

@irene9

With teens you can't agree something then change the goalposts at the last minute. You got him to go for the walk but then your DH had to push his own agenda. Then he turned hostile and belittles both you and DS. He's insulting your good work as a parent all these years. Are you not furious about that? Your DH is the spoilt brat here.

agree

RobotValkyrie · 15/01/2022 18:47

Your DH sounds spoilt. Does he always throw a tantrum whenever he can't have his own way?

waterrat · 15/01/2022 19:10

Okay. So I think with teens you have to pick your battles surely or you are in for a miserable few years. Teen came on walk and wants to make an adult decision to peel off home...even if your dh is right...is it worth a row ?

But. What is the back story. Is your DH struggling with your teen drifting away from him ? Is he missing the little boy who would have run ahead grabbing sticks ?

redsky21 · 15/01/2022 19:14

What would normally happen is that those who wanted to carry on walking would do so, those that didn't would go home. He sounds very controlling. Your child was cold, of course he should be allowed to go home. Dh should think himself lucky that a teenager wanted to come on a family walk at all!

YourenutsmiLord · 15/01/2022 22:28

Most teens go around in a thin hoody the whole winter without feeling the cold.

2ducksandI · 15/01/2022 22:39

Most teens go around in a thin hoody the whole winter without feeling the cold.

I agree with you to a point. Most teenagers go around in a thin hood not feeling the cold when they are with their friends. When they are doing something they are not that interested in suddenly they are cold and have to go home. OPs DH is still in the wrong though

blyn · 15/01/2022 22:39

Your son is fourteen, he doesn't have to walk with you if he doesn't want to and can hardly be forced. It's nice that he came out for a walk at all.

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