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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old girl never does anything out of school

63 replies

Nineteenseventy2 · 01/01/2022 15:17

Hi,
Is this normal?
My 13 year old daughter had no interest in activities (and never has had) outside of school. So, no sports, clubs, nothing. Never sees any friends either.
Im finding it tough all the time. I am in a very stressful senior management NHS role and feel like I get no ‘me’ time at all as everywhere I go she comes too! She will soon be 14 btw. Our marriage ended last year but, tbh, she’s always been like this. He left head of year said something just before Christmas how she doesn’t do any of the activities at school (lunchtime/after school stuff) and tried to encourage her to go along. She won’t. She is a quiet girl but a very girlie, girl - very into clothes, hair, the latest technology.
I haven’t had grandparents around to help with the kids (she has an older brother) as they were elderly and are now all RIP but my mum raised me alone and I was always out with friends doing something (swimming, at the park or whatever). I just don’t get her. If I suggest anything that we could do - like swimming, cinema etc. - I just get told no. She sees no-one out of school and only twice she had a friend home in primary and she ended up sulking! The friends never returned - not surprisingly.
I’m unable to do anything that I want to do! I really feel like I am living a life sentence sometimes. I took her for a walk this afternoon as the weather is nice and within 5 minutes she wants to go home!! Sits with her head in her phone in the car and doesn’t speak to me. I’m finding this hard being on my own. I don’t have any family.
I really need some time out especially as I work in a stressful role. I can’t do the things I like doing - swimming, walking, cycling, meeting friends - and no chance of another relationship!
She will not try anything. I’ve tried badminton, Brownies, swimming for her and she drops out! No friends come for her or anything. Totally the opposite to my teens.
I feel trapped at times and I know I shouldn’t feel like this but she is making my life a misery. I feel like I am her only friend.
All she wants to do is go shopping with me - or her dad - and spend (my) money! She never stays at her dad’s as she doesn’t want to!
Any ideas on what I can do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nineteenseventy2 · 01/01/2022 15:18

That should say her head of year

OP posts:
Original poster
Nineteenseventy2 · 01/01/2022 15:19

Sorry for mistakes! Typing quickly!

OP posts:
time2tork · 01/01/2022 15:23

Not much to advise but try not to compare your teen years to your daughters.

The new generations have their whole lives on devices now and that's just the way the world is.

They rarely want to do anything or go anywhere as all they need IS at home and unless it's a conversation worth having talking to Mum isn't as fun as texting friends or watching TikTok/YouTube etc

Kids of today...!

Just like some adults now. Why meet for a coffee when we can zoom at home with one 😔🙄

Sad times x

Dancingsmile · 01/01/2022 15:29

I can understand that it must be frustrating but I think I'd be more concerned why she is so isolated and not joining in.
She is 14 so you can go for a run or coffee with a friend and leave her home for an hour or so.
I think looking at why she is not socialising at all may be important. It's rare for a child to be so isolated by choice without a reason.

Ohpulltheotherone · 01/01/2022 15:32

That sounds really hard OP.

I guess in the very worst case you only realistically have another couple of years before you can leave her to crack on at home if you fancy the cinema or swimming on a weekend etc.

It could be that she’s just a very introverted person who doesn’t like other company or is very selective about other people. Although that doesn’t really explain why she won’t do things with you like cinema or a walk.

If she doesn’t want to stay at her dads can she at least spend time with him? Like dinner at his house or a few hours on a Saturday morning? To buy yourself a tiny bit of time back?
Unless there is a specific reason she doesn’t want to see him perhaps you will have to put your foot down a little more. She has two parents but only one is doing the hard graft at the moment.

NotaCoolMum · 01/01/2022 15:32

My DS is just like this- he’s 14. He has high functioning ASC. Could your DD potentially have ASC? Girls especially are incredible at “masking”.

NotaCoolMum · 01/01/2022 15:34

By the way- my DS has only recently been diagnosed as I’ve been saying it for years but his teachers, school etc didn’t see it which was due to him “masking” (which is more common for girls x

Abbsie · 01/01/2022 15:36

There's two issues here:

You want time away from your daughter, to do your own thing.

Separately to that, your daughter isn't very sociable face to face with her peers.

It is easy solve the first issue. Your teenage daughter does not need a babysitter anymore. As long as you're not abandoning her - go and do stuff without her.

The second issue is more complex. I assume if she's on tech all the time that she maintains her school friendships online? So she isn't friendless. What do her friends do socially? If they only "meet up" in school or online, I can understand why your daughter does the same.

Rno3gfr · 01/01/2022 15:40

Can’t you just leave her at home and get on with your life? She’s not a child. Hopefully she’ll get bored and start doing things. Maybe you can encourage solitary activities that’s she’ll enjoy, e.g. drawing, reading, knitting, cooking, etc. It might not sound like the type of thing a teen would bother with but if she doesn’t enjoy a lot of social interaction then these activities might be very fulfilling for her.

I wouldn’t be encouraging her to shop with you and spend your money as an “activity”.

C152 · 01/01/2022 16:15

Try to stop comparing your child to you. You're two different people and you're allowed to like different things.

Is it possible that it's the way your life is structured, rather than your daughter, that is holding you back from having a bit more 'me' time? e.g. Your daughter is nearly 14. Is she responsible enough to leave on her own for and hour while you go for a swim? If not, can you afford to hire a babysitter for one or two hours a week (or offer to look after a child in her class one afternoon / evening in return for the other kid's parent looking after your daughter another night)?

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to join in sports or after school activities. Loads of people - children and adults - loathe organised group activities. I would stop trying to amuse her. She's old enough to figure out how to stop herself getting bored.

Kennykenkencat · 01/01/2022 16:33

Is she being bullied in school or does she have any friends in school because it must be like a living hell if she goes to school and doesn’t have anyone to talk to.

Or could she be very very shy.

Don’t know if it is relevant but I didn’t do any after school activities or had friends in senior school. (Primarily for a completely different reason) I actually don’t think I spoke to anyone for years. It was very lonely and I wished I could be like other girls who just seemed to know exactly what to say and when to say it and made friends very easily.
I was diagnosed last year with ADHD.
It does present in quite different ways in girls/women. Dd was also diagnosed and yet our ADHD presents quite differently but ultimately the same.

SilverPeacock · 01/01/2022 16:57

I have one the same age and she will stay alone for a couple of hours while we go out. Is she not happy to do this or do you not want to leave her? Mine doesn't really want to spend time with me any more and doesn't do formal activities - largely stays in her room but I know she is talking to or messaging friends.

balzamico · 01/01/2022 17:02

You need to go and do the things you want to do. Not only will your mental health benefit but you will be setting a good example to her Of what you can do once you put down your phone!

converseandjeans · 01/01/2022 17:03

My DD is the same despite doing things when she was younger (brownies, football, ballet). She is 13 almost 14 and we leave her for a few hours here and there and she seems to like being home on her own.

I also used to be always out doing stuff when I was the same age so I find it a bit strange. But we're all different and I'm hoping DD will find her tribe when she's a bit more confident.

lollipoprainbow · 01/01/2022 17:04

I'm worried my 9 year old dd will become like this. She has ASD and struggles to make friends. She has a best friend but all play dates end up with my dd crying as I think it's all too much for her. She doesn't really like going out and would much rather stay at home on her computer or phone. I've just managed to prise her out to lunch today as I've got cabin fever. The one saving grace is she doesn't mind if her dad looks after her so I occasionally get to do my own thing but we aren't together so this doesn't happen much. I'm very worried about the future.

converseandjeans · 01/01/2022 17:05

notacoolmum we also suspect high functioning ASC but haven't had any testing done. I think she finds social situations exhausting.

NotAnotherPushyMum · 01/01/2022 17:10

Go out and do things without her!! She’s old enough to be left, unless she has any additional needs you haven’t mentioned.

She might just like being at home. I did. Never went out with friends or had friends to our house, but I wasn’t friendless or lonely, I just liked time by myself and I still do.

PaddingtonStareBare · 01/01/2022 17:14

I have a 12yr old who never wants to leave home either.

I only insist on leaving the house with me every few days to join me in walking the dog, no phones, she'll moan but once out she enjoys the walk and the fresh air and is bouncing about the place.

I've left mine for upto 3 hours quite a few times and she's been fine, just a phone call to check in every so often or a message. There has been a handful of times I've been out and she has asked me to come back, so I have straight away.

She has never been invited back to a friends house, she's gone with me if I have been friends with the mum and we've all been invited round for example but she is just a kid who prefers her own company.

I used to make her do activities but she struggles in them, likes to do her own thing. She is diagnosed ASD and to be honest so many teens are chronically anxious about not fitting in or how they look, she doesn't give a jot.

'I'm me and if people don't want to know me, that's their loss.' is what I told when I enquired with her about friends etc as I was naturally concerned too as at her age I was out all the time.

She's confident and happy in her company and many many people aren't, so I think it is a good thing. She'll find her tribe when she's ready.

I do insist on tech free afternoons and time together though aside from the dog walks though at least once a fortnight. She also has limits on her phone and laptop, everything is off by 8pm (she's a night owl, always has been).

OldaRailer · 01/01/2022 17:15

I had one child at 13 like this. Although they did do scouts and we really Had to encouraged it in the earlier stages. We did at 13 start to go out and leave them in for an hour.
This has changed now and at 15 they started meeting up with friends sometimes.
It can be a very awkward age for quieter people.

RobotValkyrie · 01/01/2022 17:16

What strikes me is (aside from shopping) you don't have much to say about what she does like doing? What does she do at home? Reading, watching TV, doing her nails, programming games, chatting with online friends? Do you even know your own daughter at all? She's not an outdoors person, but surely she doesn't spend all her time indoors just staring at the walls? Does she have any indoors hobbies?

Secondly... surely you can let her entertain herself at home while you go and do stuff? She's 14, not 7. If you're worried, hire a babysitter...

Ukholidaysaregreat · 01/01/2022 17:18

Some one who is nearly 14 is definitely OK to be left in the house while you go swimming. Also I would start giving her some of her 'own' money. Then if you go shopping she can use her own money not yours and she can decide how much she really wants things. Just in relation to your comment that she likes to shop with your money, I think now is a good age to start learning about what money actually costs. In relation to being anti social it did cross my mind about ASD. Girls mask and it is not always obvious you and your daughter could try reading some literature around it and see if it fits with how she feels! Of course this might not be the case and she might just be an introvert. Probably good to have a chat with her about it. I have heard recommended that serious chats are often best had whilst walking or driving so you are concentrating on another activity at the same time and don't have to make too much eye contact. Good Luck sounds like you are very caring and trying your best for your daughter!

OldaRailer · 01/01/2022 17:18

Kids this age have also (in the UK) missed a fair bit of socialisation through the earlier lockdowns.

OldWivesTale · 01/01/2022 17:20

As previous PP suggested, could she be high functioning ASC and good at masking?It's unusual for neurotypical children to not see any friends at all when they are 14. It sounds so hard for your daughter and you. My DD has been a bit like this too and I suspect she is HF ASC.

catchingzzzeds · 01/01/2022 17:21

I think she'll do it in her own time. My son was 15 before he started meeting friends, he then surprised me by joining a football team!
I used to worry too though so I know where you're coming from.

AppleButterfly · 01/01/2022 17:26

Sits with her head in her phone ignoring you and latest technology is one of her interests?
You have found the issue!!
Enforce screen free time. Perhaps screen free weekends? I bet you'll see a change within a month or two...