13 year old girl never does anything out of school

[Nineteenseventy2]

Hi,
Is this normal?
My 13 year old daughter had no interest in activities (and never has had) outside of school. So, no sports, clubs, nothing. Never sees any friends either.
Im finding it tough all the time. I am in a very stressful senior management NHS role and feel like I get no ‘me’ time at all as everywhere I go she comes too! She will soon be 14 btw. Our marriage ended last year but, tbh, she’s always been like this. He left head of year said something just before Christmas how she doesn’t do any of the activities at school (lunchtime/after school stuff) and tried to encourage her to go along. She won’t. She is a quiet girl but a very girlie, girl - very into clothes, hair, the latest technology.
I haven’t had grandparents around to help with the kids (she has an older brother) as they were elderly and are now all RIP but my mum raised me alone and I was always out with friends doing something (swimming, at the park or whatever). I just don’t get her. If I suggest anything that we could do - like swimming, cinema etc. - I just get told no. She sees no-one out of school and only twice she had a friend home in primary and she ended up sulking! The friends never returned - not surprisingly.
I’m unable to do anything that I want to do! I really feel like I am living a life sentence sometimes. I took her for a walk this afternoon as the weather is nice and within 5 minutes she wants to go home!! Sits with her head in her phone in the car and doesn’t speak to me. I’m finding this hard being on my own. I don’t have any family.
I really need some time out especially as I work in a stressful role. I can’t do the things I like doing - swimming, walking, cycling, meeting friends - and no chance of another relationship!
She will not try anything. I’ve tried badminton, Brownies, swimming for her and she drops out! No friends come for her or anything. Totally the opposite to my teens.
I feel trapped at times and I know I shouldn’t feel like this but she is making my life a misery. I feel like I am her only friend.
All she wants to do is go shopping with me - or her dad - and spend (my) money! She never stays at her dad’s as she doesn’t want to!
Any ideas on what I can do?

I think 12 to 14 the kids self sort and often Ime the quiet kids who stay in can be doing so by choice as they don't want to get up to mischief! By 15/16 they have made contact with each other and start hanging out.

Jeez don't get a babysitter for her - I WAS the babysitter at 12!
She is old enough to be left on her own if you want to do stuff. Ask her is she'd like to join you and if not crack on.
My daughter doesn't do much outside of school that's organised (she does do piano), but she's very content doing her art and other stuff, occasionally going for a walk, she just likes doing it on her own. She has friends and if one of them suggests a get together she sometimes goes and enjoys it, but is also perfectly content not to. Is your daughter happy or is she sitting there wishing she was out? That's the crux of the matter.

I have a 14 year old who would love to stay home and do nothing (bar technology) she doesn't get the choice, she almost always enjoys stuff once I get her out.

@converseandjeans

notacoolmum we also suspect high functioning ASC but haven't had any testing done. I think she finds social situations exhausting.

It took us two years to get his assessment done- it’s definitely opened doors for him as far as support in school etc. 💖

My 13 yr old is much like this, I really don't think the pandemic has helped matters. Like PPs have suggested I go out and leave her at home. She has just started to acknowledge she is bored so I'm making suggestions about what she could do and trying to plan small things like dropping her and a friend at the cinema or the shops. She's had one outing which seemed to go well. But it's a slow process.

I was like this. But with books, not tech. I have a ds like this.
But there's no way he'd come for a walk with me unless there was something in it for him! He's happy as he is though. And with the kids where we live, I'm relieved he's in.

I think you’re getting the issues mixed up in a way.

As others have said, she’s not your buddy so if you want to go and do stuff, then you can go and do that.

Secondly, you seem a bit obsessed about her doing structured activities. I think this might be a red herring. Is she happy? Does she have people to sit with at lunch at school? That’s more important than whether she’s doing clubs.

Then, if you’re worried she’s not doing constructive, I think that’s a separate issue. Talk to her about how she needs to (for example) read every day, get some exercise or whatever.
Possibly talk to her about cutting screen time down so she starts finding her own things to do.

My 13 year old isn't like this but I've actually been talking to her today about how I will start doing things / seeing friends and leaving her at home. She's fed up of coming to meet my friends and hanging out with their kids, teenagers are so choosy ! I also want to go swimming etc. She is keen for me to start seeing my friends as she thinks I'm a bit lonely (this is true)! We've agreed that I will start meeting friends occasionally for lunch on a weekend. I will also swim occasionally on the weekend . This all came about as she said she really didn't want to come with me to meet my oldest friend and her dc tomorrow .

I don't see why you can't do this ? At this age they're totally fine at home - I'm happier leaving her in the day maybe for 3-4 hours. I have left her til 10pm for a work thing but both of us are a bit less keen on this.

Maybe see how she feels about you taking a half day out every now and then?

Mine does clubs but hasn't seen friends this holiday - she's knackered

The other thing is that I've massively limited her phone screen time this holiday and as a result she has read 2 books - which even she admits has made her happier . I just set the time so her apps are limited . Without this she'd spend all day on it

@time2tork

Not much to advise but try not to compare your teen years to your daughters.

The new generations have their whole lives on devices now and that's just the way the world is.

They rarely want to do anything or go anywhere as all they need IS at home and unless it's a conversation worth having talking to Mum isn't as fun as texting friends or watching TikTok/YouTube etc

Kids of today...!

Just like some adults now. Why meet for a coffee when we can zoom at home with one 😔🙄

Sad times x

This isn’t really true. Sure kids have screens way more, but you can limit it, and having no friends is not typical for a 14 year old girl.

Could she be ASC OP? Worth investigating. If not, and whether she’s an introvert or not, she needs some interests. She sounds very passive right now - she may never be a Dynamo but encouraging her to get her arse into action will help her in life. You need to support her to grow up.

Firstly I would limit her screen time (discuss and agree W your ex - what does he think BTW?)
Secondly, give her an allowance - agree it with your ex, and games, music, makeup and anything beyond basic cloths comes out of it
Tell her she needs to take up one type of exercise outside school, because it’s good for her
Tell her one hobby outside the home and one inside because it’s good for her, and because she needs to develop her social skills and figure out what she’s interested in.

Overall I would explain without judgement that at this life stage she needs to be preparing to be an adult, and you need to be building up your life for when she leaves home, and this is why you are making these changes

Friends you can’t force, but if she is ASC or very introvert, she will likely make human connections via interests

Be very open and discuss with her what the exercise and hobbies could be - maybe it’s dancing, sewing or a make up course - it might be something you’d never expect. Try and make trying things a project she does with you. And when you sniff an interest support it - eg make up courses.

Watch out for comparing her with you - it’s fair enough you are frustrated, but be careful you don’t make her feel less for not being you - she’s a different person and this is a different era

Hi,

Thanks for the replies.

I guess school holidays make me feel worse as I end up using all of my annual leave to be off when the schools are off. Her dad has fixed/allocated holidays and has had no school holidays off during the whole of 2021. I am very aware that, not only am I working in a stressful role, I am the only parent off in the school holidays. He will not change jobs and this caused a lot of grief for me over the years (one of the reasons the marriage ended). I have been to work three days this week and has to leave her at home. She was ok. I guess I feel guilty needing ‘me’ time when I’ve been at work and left her. But, she can be difficult when out about (unless it’s shops and she is buying crap she doesn’t need). I give her £50 a month and so does her dad. I paid £50 into her account last week for January’s pocket money and she’s blown the lot - before January 1st!! She then starts sneaking stuff into the trolley etc. for me to pay for. I gave her £500 for Christmas plus I spent another £100 on gifts for her. Her dad also gave her money. She has spent it all already!!
I don’t know about ASC. I’ll look. She has friends at school but they don’t seem to mix out of school. When she was younger she was extremely quiet. In fact, at 3-4 years she didn’t utter a word at nursery school. The school thought she had selective mutism and actually brought an educational psychologist in to assess her. It was only because a very lovely reception teacher, who happened to chat to her one day about something very close to her heart (animals), that she actually started saying a few words which - in time - increased her confidence. She was always quiet at school though but seems more confident now. She won awards at the end of primary and has always been above average academically. Her head of year spoke to me on Teams last month (he was helping out with parents’ evening) bad said she was an excellent role model for other students and said she is on target for top grades at 16. She is intelligent but I do worry about her insistence to stay at home and not mix.
She also struggled with birthday parties at primary school. Even a Halloween party once. She couldn’t cope with the number of kids around her and had to leave a few times - or there were tears. In fact, I remember having to take her home early from her own birthday party at about 5 years! Maybe she’s just an introvert. I am tbh but did mix outside of school.
I guess it’s difficult to leave her at weekends as I’ve been at work all week so feel bad just deserting her. But, my mental health needs a break (I’m also going through the menopause so feel I need free time more now).

I'd say it's fine for you to do things without her. She may enjoy the space! You could invite her but if she says no do it alone. It's normal for teens to do most of their socialising on social media these days but the main question is,is she happy? If yes then let her be her.

Does she have limits on smartphone usage? They're just so magnetic, that any other activity or pastime just pales in comparison.

Even if she is "socialising" via the phone, it's an empty kind of interaction. People need to see eachother face-to-face, or even actually phone eachother, to really benefit.

If she's glued to her phone, help her to get back into the world... Instead of watching other people living on social media, she may start to feel more interested in actually living... She may also end up less inclined to want to buy loads of crap. People are attracted to buying excessively as it feels like it fills a hole or will make them "fit in" somehow... It's all rubbish.

It's depressing watching kids piss away their lives on phones. My 10yo nephew spends 12+ hours a day on his, with no limits. It's so incredibly detrimental to mental and physical health, not to mention ability to develop skills and manage relationships.

I agree with everyone who says that you can leave her at home when you go swimming etc. This is setting an example, if she sees that you do sports/exercise it’ll be something that’s on her radar as a normal thing to do, even if she’s not interested right now.

My DD1 was like this at 13, now at 15 over the past 6 months she’s started going to see friends at weekends and goes running and cycling by herself with no input from me. She is even talking about joining a badminton club, that would have been unthinkable 2 years ago!

DD2 is 14, also shy and won’t do any activities but I’m trying to just let her be - she works really hard at school, likes reading, art and going for walks with me so I just let her do that.

I spent ages trying to persuade them both to do activities and it was no use, so now I just support whatever they want to do (within reason!). I have always dragged them out for walks if they hadn’t done any other form of exercise though, that wasn’t always fun!

That's bonkers money she has. Mine has £20pm from me plus £29pm phone, her dad gives her £15 I think .

Hi op. My daughter is being assessed for autism and a lot of what you are saying about her is very common in autistic girls. Not being able to cope with playdates or parties even in primary the early silence and lack of communication.

This is definitely sounding neuro divergent - if she is on the autistic spectrum she simply won't want to socialise or be able to in the way you want her to. It sounds like she may have social and communication difficulties which she could get support for. Being a high achiever is common for girls with high functioning autism. She may find school exhausting and need to be alone st home

As others have said I'm not sure why you can't go running or swimming or to meet friends but just leave her at home . I can however understand how exhausting it must feel for you not seeing her happy or enjoying herself with friends.

There are separate issues though with the phone addiction and spending as they both sound like issues on their own.

I think you may need to recognise that your daughter is a completely different personality to you and may be on the autistic spectrum and therfore needs specific help rather than being pushed into a social life she isn't interested in or capable of maintaining

You could look separately at her spending as that sounds pretty dysfunctional

I'd be closely checking what she's spent her money on. That's ringing alarm bells for me.
What about a one to one activity like learning a musical instrument?

Look she sounds like a pretty great kid/ her school describes her as a role model and her grades are excellent. That's fantastic. Credit where it's due - and a testimony is o you too, OP.

The social side. Some people are very happy with their own company and only one or two friends. From what you say, she doesn't sound unhappy about the social situation, it's more you who is struggling. So don't make an issue when there is t one for her.

The issue for you however, yea it is hard, undeniably so. You feel guilty leaving her alone all day. I would too. I'd want to know she was having someone check on her or at least to say hi. That doesn't mean it's wrong but I understand that anxiety.

But with regards to your needs, I think it's time to make a poor of doing things for yourself, to take walks alone, to meet friends for coffee, to take the occasional night out. Start now and in a year you'll both be in quite a different place, she will be accustomed to you having your own life and you will have built up your social life again.

Wrt the spending, that does sound excessive. In my view she is receiving a generous allowance. The £500 plus gifts at Christmas is a lot, it won't mean the same to her as you because young people have yet to learn the value of money. Honestly I would reduce it to £150 cash and £150 gifts until she has better money sense.

With regard to her spending all her money on one shot early in the month, this is the hard bit. You need to stick to your guns about not giving her more. Maybe a weekly allowance would be an easier option given her difficulty managing money?

And absolutely no to her sneaking stuff into the shopping trolley. Kids I'll push, they are testing boundaries and she may kick off but that's too bad. No her manipulative ways should not be tolerated.

It's hard on your own and I do sympathise but honestly it will pass. And the work you're putting in is definitely worth it.

This is me and my son - both ASD/ADHD

Ds spends a lot of time gaming. I do get worried at times, but then I hear him laughing online with his mates and getting really into it. Discussing strategies etc

Then I remember how, at about 14, me and my mates sat round taking it in turns to play on the mega drive is it so different?

What has she spent her Christmas and pocket money on.

That is £600 + what her dad gave her for Christmas.

Unless she is spending the money on top end designer stuff what is she spending the money on.

I don’t want to be alarmist but could she have an addiction. My initial thought was gambling but given her age is she playing a game that you buy coins etc for.
That is a huge amount to spend in little more than a week.

My 12 year old dd is exactly like this. This year she was diagnosed with high functioning ASD.

I wouldn’t say she is addicted to her phone - she isn’t. I think it’s more that she prefers her own company rather that mix outside of school. I am aware Covid has prevented social interactions anyway but I’m a bit worried about kids in general with this.
She has used the money wisely and purchased an Apple MacBook in preparation for her GCSE’s starting this year. Her pocket money tends to go on clothes or stuff for her hair/face (she hasn’t really started wearing make-up so it’s more cleansing products). I also pay £35 a month to Vodaphone for her iPhone (on top of her pocket money). I know she gets a lot but I have said to her that I expect her to buy herself a pair of jeans (etc.) out of it as she got the point she would t wear anything I was buying for her. I give her £100 extra 2-3 times a year to buy clothes. I think I will add it weekly. We are going to Canada in July and I know she won’t save a penny towards it so I thinks it’s best to split it a bit!
I know she has a lot more than I did as a child. I got hardly anything for Christmas and birthdays and no pocket money. My mother just couldn’t afford it. I guess that’s what made me work hard at school/university.
I’ll be firm! And, yes, I will try to have a life outside or work/motherhood.

Hi
I really agree with @Luredbyapomegranate.
13 - 18 not an easy time and I think teens need you as much as younger ones and they need guidance, mentoring, understanding and boundaries.
First I just wanted to say things must have been so difficult for you working in the NHS as a single mum. Really feel for you and thank you for all you’ve done during the pandemic.
I am a single mum of a 17 yr old girl. I’ve had a very busy big job most of her life. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs with her - anxiety, school refusing all sorts. Currently things are good and she’s on track for 3 strong A levels and is now great company 90% of the time. She spends quite a lot of time with me at the moment but now we enjoy it.
The following are things I’ve learned along the way!!:-
First plan time for YOU - allocate regular time a week for you and explain to her you’re doing this and you need it. Don’t feel guilty. You need that time for you and you will have more fun with her if you’ve had your time.
Also managing menopause - so hard - I got patches - made all the difference - but try and find something that works for you and helps you feel better.
Don’t compare her youth to yours. You weren’t a teenager during a pandemic, neither did you have access to an addictive phone that gave you hours and hours of entertainment and communication meaning you were forced to go out to find fun and enjoyment.
You could read the book Untangled bringing up teenage girls - I found it very helpful.
Then I think the key most important thing is to ensure that the time you do spend with her is meaningful as possible for her as well as you. It’s important to build a bond that will help build her self esteem and help her listen to you so you can coach and mentor her so she develops her adult skills. It’s also important that she feels she can confide in you and this kind of conversation happens more often when you’re doing generally something together rather than questioning them when they can just clam up!
Most 13 yr olds are very into something - you just may not know about it. Whether it’s make up tutorials, tiktok, music, type of movies, or on a much darker side could be gambling sexting, online chat with strangers .
You need to find out so you can get her confidence, guide her and help her manage.
At 13 my daughter and I did not have a good relationship - we bonded over watching you tube videos of her favourite band and music. It was difficult. Sometimes after a long day, I would then watch 90 mins of KPop performances with her 😬 BUT it meant we got on better. I listened to her and showed genuine interest in the bands and she started talking. Then we watched movies like Marvel together. We played Just Dance and also eventually did some keepfit and yoga videos together - tho this all took time.
Once we were getting on a bit better, this meant she lopened up more on school issues - friendship issues, homework, anxiety, why she didn’t want to leave the house etc
Whilst doing the more fun things, setting boundaries that are firm is also important. Agree set chores and responsibilities - dishwasher emptying, cooking a meal once a week on her own, cleaning her own room, making her bed every day, these will all help build her self esteem. Make them allowance dependent too maybe? Do them with her to start with so she learns how to do them. Discuss hobbies outside of her phone… art, photography, anything she can do with animals? Can she dog or cat sit for a neighbour’s animal?? These are things I feel you need to push them to do for their own good.
Most important for me was docking my daughter’s phone outside her room at a certain time at night. She wasn’t allowed it in her room overnight until she was 15. IF you don’t have a good bond and aren’t having fun with her, these are harder to implement - but if she’s having fun with you it will be easier to implement these important boundaries and chores . Eventually hopefully she will do these things because she understands, it helps her and you and you’re busy and she wants to contribute to family life.
Health - exercise, sleep and good diet so important at this age too - enough vit D and B. Again if your bond is good and you’re properly communicating - she will take some advice on these aspects and will start to learn that she feels better if she puts her phone away and bakes all afternoon or goes for a walk.
I set up a Go Henry account to track her money until she finished GCSEs
I would check her money spend personally and help her learn to budget.
Who knows what’s going on in her social group - maybe she’s nervous of alcohol, boys’ behaviour and prefers to stay away from some of that.
It’s such a difficult time for young people at the moment and they’re all acting a year or two younger than their age.
I wish you loads of patience, calm and good luck. I hope you can be thankful that she wants to be with you and try and capitalise on that to help her develop and grow.
Xx

I actually think not having any friends in RL is a real problem right now. She needs to learn how friendships develop and how to maintain them. What does she say when you talk about this?