13 year old girl never does anything out of school

[Nineteenseventy2]

Hi,
Is this normal?
My 13 year old daughter had no interest in activities (and never has had) outside of school. So, no sports, clubs, nothing. Never sees any friends either.
Im finding it tough all the time. I am in a very stressful senior management NHS role and feel like I get no ‘me’ time at all as everywhere I go she comes too! She will soon be 14 btw. Our marriage ended last year but, tbh, she’s always been like this. He left head of year said something just before Christmas how she doesn’t do any of the activities at school (lunchtime/after school stuff) and tried to encourage her to go along. She won’t. She is a quiet girl but a very girlie, girl - very into clothes, hair, the latest technology.
I haven’t had grandparents around to help with the kids (she has an older brother) as they were elderly and are now all RIP but my mum raised me alone and I was always out with friends doing something (swimming, at the park or whatever). I just don’t get her. If I suggest anything that we could do - like swimming, cinema etc. - I just get told no. She sees no-one out of school and only twice she had a friend home in primary and she ended up sulking! The friends never returned - not surprisingly.
I’m unable to do anything that I want to do! I really feel like I am living a life sentence sometimes. I took her for a walk this afternoon as the weather is nice and within 5 minutes she wants to go home!! Sits with her head in her phone in the car and doesn’t speak to me. I’m finding this hard being on my own. I don’t have any family.
I really need some time out especially as I work in a stressful role. I can’t do the things I like doing - swimming, walking, cycling, meeting friends - and no chance of another relationship!
She will not try anything. I’ve tried badminton, Brownies, swimming for her and she drops out! No friends come for her or anything. Totally the opposite to my teens.
I feel trapped at times and I know I shouldn’t feel like this but she is making my life a misery. I feel like I am her only friend.
All she wants to do is go shopping with me - or her dad - and spend (my) money! She never stays at her dad’s as she doesn’t want to!
Any ideas on what I can do?

I agree with the posters that mentioned ASD. It is worth investigating as she sounds just like many girls on the spectrum.

Your DD sounds very like mine. She is being assessed for ASD - but it's going to be a very long wait!

DD has friends in school but never sees them out side of school.

She has spent the majority of the school holidays in bed. She sleeps a lot. I was worried she was depressed but she assured me she's ok.

We've had a couple of days out which I've dragged her to. She was fine once I got her out of the house but it's hard to get her out of the house.

I started leaving her home alone during lockdown as children weren't allowed in supermarkets. I now go out in the evening too. You need to get her used to it.

Following with interest.

I have a similar 13 year old. I'm very worried that no "progress ' has been made although we've been aware there is a problem from a young age and we've gently encouraged her to come out of her shell for years.

I could have written your initial post OP. My daughter is the same age, with the same behaviours re: not wanting to socialise etc. It’s recently been suggested to us that she may be Autistic, so we’re looking into it.

I work with secondary school aged children, mostly girls, and second that this potentially sounds like a child who might be on the high functioning end of the ASD spectrum.

I’d start by talking to her tutor and potentially the SENCO at her school. The latter won’t be able to make a formal diagnosis, obviously, but a good SENCO will be able to give some guidance on whether it’s worth paying for a private Ed Psyc report (the wait for a local authority one will be years). Appreciate this is probably hard to think about currently but regardless of ASD she could use help to make friends in real life, which her tutor could help with. A child who exclusively interacts with people online, as she is currently doing, is vulnerable in many ways.

I also agree with the previous posters who suggest doing things for you in any case! She’s plenty old enough to be left while you go for a run etc (so long as you feel she’s responsible enough). It’s also okay to, gently, insist that as a minimum she goes to her fathers for dinner once a week (even twice a week feels fair). This is a loving thing to do as you’re helping foster a relationship there that she will be grateful for as she gets older as well as modelling that it’s important to prioritise one’s own mental health within motherhood. Both of these are invaluable.

That’s a tough one.
I don’t agree with ‘it’s how kids of today are’ - all the teens I knew/know have always seen friends/gone out etc.
It’s only when there are friendship issues that mine haven’t been out or want to come out with me. Although whatever was happening on that side, they always did extra-curricular activities up to 16ish.
Do you think she’s happy as she is or does she want friends? I think that’s the crucial thing. I would also look at ASC. My now adult DD is trying to get assessed - I’m not convinced but most of her issues have been social ones over the years.
Also, could you leave her at home occasionally when you go out?

Have now seen your update and it screams ASC to me!
Plus the money is too much esp if not going out. I gave £50pcm which was pretty much just for going out/buying a bit of crap.

My DD is a bit like this although not quite as bad

She does no extra curricular activities at all and she 100% refuses to do so to the point of tears if I try to force the issue. She will not do music, drama, dance, sport or any club at all. Even an activity she likes on her own like photography and art she will not do at a club or with others. She is just painfully shy and always has been. DH was the same as a teen he says.

She does have friends but they rarely go out together they just exist in a virtual world on devices. Since lockdown that's even worse.

Maybe it's stupid and pushy of me but I do wonder what she will put on her UCAS application. Not sure surfing the internet is considered a worthwhile pursuit by admissions tutors.

I have just given up on encouraging any hobbies. I insist she does some physical exercise a few times a week even if it's just going for a walk, she eats with us, does some house chores and school work but outside that if she wants to be in her room on her phone then it is what it is.

I can't see why it would stop you doing stuff. I do have a DH and DS too but I leave DD to it at home if the rest of us want to go out and she won't. I think 13/14 is old enough to manage safely for a few hours.

You are the parent, she is only 13 and has a father, also you need time for yourself as she will pick up on your unhappiness.

I will let her father have her every other weekend and half of the holidays whether he works or not, if is not a choice until she is 18, she will get used to it. You will be happier and ready to do things with her when you have her because you have enjoyed sometime for yourself.

Also, why doe she needs so much money, she is only 13. And you can also limit the time she has on screen. Children have far too much choice these days.; more than they can actually manage.

You can not force her to do activities with friends if she doesn't want to but you have control over other things.

Thanks for the replies. Can I just ask what ASC stands for? Is that a form of autism?

I haven’t started doing anything for myself yet simply because we’ve just had Christmas and I have been flat out at work. We are extremely short staffed at work (NHS) and also on the management side so I’m doing my own work and my manager’s as he is off for a while for some reason. I deal with a lot of issues at work - a service to run, staff to deal with, and then other hospitals - so it’s hard for me dealing with a 13 year old girl who is like this.
There hasn’t been any improvement. I’ve just had her out this morning to another (small) town. Again, we ended up in Cos*a for lunch - she refuses to go anywhere else! Again, she sat the entire way in the front seat of the car with AirPods in and doesn’t utter a word. I can hear the music - Ariana Grande - and it’s like that awful noise it irritates me like when someone eats crisps in a quiet room. We got there and she won’t walk beside me - she walks behind me but close. It drives me me mad! Sat in Costa and she didn’t utter a word. I actually started welling up feeling utterly miserable at how sad my life is. I tried to go in a couple of places but she moaned and I ended up not going in. We did manage to got to Sainsbury’s to stock up on fruit and bread. I feel like I am trapped in some ways and can’t breathe. We saw lots of girls her age out with friends. I think she must look at them and think they’re abnormal! I took her to the local pub for tea last night and, again, she sits and doesn’t utter a word. All she does is occasionally glances at her phone but I may as well be invisible. Same last weekend too with similar issues.
So, I have come home and am sat with the tv on typing this.
She has to choose her GCSE options this week - which she has already done. Her head of year said she is a role model for other kids and on track for top grades. Her school work isn’t an issue. She has always been conscientious and I haven’t had to push her with school work. Like I said, in an earlier post, she didn’t speak for a full year when she started nursery at 3. The nursery was attached to the primary school so she was with the same children and was familiar with the school. She won awards at the end of primary school. She never seems fussed over it though.
I know she has friends at school as I’ve seen photos of them all together at school messing about. It’s just outside of school. She isn’t interested.
I’m not sure if it’s our lack of family that has contributed to this as the only two parents we had were elderly (both now RIP) so weren’t active grandparents in our kids lives. My marriage was unhappy as I was unhappy. I’d hidden it for years but the age gap between us became an issue and I was unable to go near him so lived in a sexless marriage for years with lack of affection etc. not that this ever affected how I raised the children. They have both had a lot more than I did - lots of trips out, holidays abroad etc. Her dad works most weekends which has put pressure on me and continues to do so as he was/is not around much to give me a break. Plus, now we are apart she refuses to go with him when he is available.
I really feel trapped. Unhappy. I’m worried this will tip over into my working life. The job I’m doing now isn’t my profession but I was forced to give up my chosen career as I had to work some weekends/nights too and we had no childcare. Her dad would not budge at all even though he wasn’t in a ‘career’ as such and earned a lot less. So, that bothers me too. This role is very stressful and I am going through the menopause which doesn’t help.
Anyway, I have booked 6 days in London for my birthday week (I will be 50) and I am not taking her. She can stay with her dad and I’ll go alone! I need a break!

Hi there. I'm 44. Your DD sounds just like me when I was her age. I was a total bookworm, and music fiend. I used to spend days and days at home in my bedroom. I preferred hobbies I could do by myself. I was doing fine at school (though the teachers used to say I never put my hand up) but I had a difficult relationship with my dad, who put unreasonable pressure and restrictions on me. It led to my "failure to launch". Living in the middle of bloody nowhere didn't help, as my best mate lived 7 miles away and the buses ceased at 5.30pm. I'm still very much an introvert and a very shy person. I have been reasonably successful in the professional sense but I'm very socially anxious. I put on a face of confidence but inside I'm floundering.

My own 15yo DD has no organised clubs either, but she goes to friends' houses and meets her BFF at the park. She also spends a lot of time at home but she's arty and bookish, so is happy just sitting at the table creating something.

Interestingly, I've noticed I'm very much like my dad recently. My mum has to force him out of the house to do things.

@Jabbawasarollingstone
I think she is just socially awkward. She is shy and introverted. I used to be shy when I was young but it didn’t stop me seeing friends outside of school. She won’t go to the cinema or anything. She won’t even go to the cinema with me tbh.
It’s hard at times, especially recently. I don’t have parents to turn to and I’ve recently lost a sibling. I feel so alone with this.

Op I think what people here are suggesting is that she isn't just socially awkward. She may be on the autistic spectrum (asc is autistic spectrum condition). This means she will have social and communication difficulties and may be unable to socialise in the ways you wish she could.

My 7 Yr old is like this a bit and I actually really recognise some if what you describe even though there is such an age difference . I often feel sad for my child that she spends so much time with me and often seems listless or lost in her own world. She doesn't seem to make friends easily but is fine and indeed does wrll at school.

I think you need to stop taking her out when she is not enjoying it and neither are you.

Could you find some teenage childcare or someone in their 20s who could sort of house sit at a weekend if you don't want to leave her all day.

What if you experimented with just letting her be. Let her stay home at weekends if she agrees to fi a bit of exercise. Just go and do the coffee and lunch with your own friends.

I also wonder if you need to push her harder on friendship or joining some sort of group activity like drama ? Would be very good for her social issues.

There are many experts in autism in girls who also may be able to help

It seems as though she is okay with having jo social life and it is you that is unhappy. Maybe time to choose your life and let her find her way more slowly in hers.