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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage ds and first girlfriend

64 replies

par05 · 29/12/2021 00:07

So ds 14 has a girlfriend, and since going out with her has changed from a happy go lucky boy to a sulking sly and secretive person, who I do not recognise! I have spoken to him as has his siblings, but still not listening to us, I'm not keen on his girlfriend I got to be honest and have told him as he has lost all his friends because of this girl, he was texting her today about how his brother took his pH of him at 3am and told him to go to sleep so now he hates his brother! I have taken his pH off of him, now as he is constantly tired and feeling ill. I'm really at the end of my tether with him and just feel like he is not listening to what I'm saying, I've tried to be nice and say good things and get her something for Xmas etc but she has changed him so much into someone we don't know. How do I handle it short of telling him to not see her anymore? Sorry if I'm rambling

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/12/2021 12:04

That sounds so difficult. Can I just ask what his pH is though please?

Original poster
par05 · 29/12/2021 13:17

Sorry that meant to be phone.

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Basilandparsleyandmint · 30/12/2021 14:57

Can totally sympathise my DS 15 has had a few girlfriends and he is the same sly and secretive too and always drops his mates. Drives me insane. It has caused arguments. Each time I start afresh with seeing how it goes and try and allow him freedom to grow up and make choices.
All I can suggest is try not openly say you dislike the girl snd can you make him busy so he hasn’t got so much time to see her. These relationships for my DS at least don’t last longer than around 2 months.

Original poster
par05 · 31/12/2021 00:08

I feel like I can't trust him anymore, which is a awful feeling, I am hoping it will fizzle out and am trying to get him to hang out more with a few friends than her, but he seems just to have had his head turned by her! He hasn't seen her over Xmas but constantly texting her have taken his phone off of him for a few days

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Basilandparsleyandmint · 31/12/2021 08:01

Hang on in there and hopefully it will fizzle out soon. Keep as calm as you can though I know it’s hard. Good luck OP

Original poster
par05 · 01/01/2022 13:14

Thank you @basilandparsleyandmint I really do hope so! She is a school Yr older than him too so although 6 months in age, but that does seem a lot in how mature he is compared to her..

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Original poster
par05 · 07/02/2022 04:00

Hi so am really stuck atm and don't quite know what to do now, after finding things on my sons ph and have taken his phone off him a few times as he is constantly on it msging his gf today I found out he been self harming, saw his arm and cuts everywhere! Don't think I handled it very well as just lost it with him toldhim he has changed so much since going out with her. That I don't like him very much at the moment. And he needs to break up with her. I don't want him to be unhappy as he said I make him miserable and she makes him happy. But now can't sleep and think I've handled it all wrong. Please help

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Monty27 · 07/02/2022 04:27

OP have a meeting with school. I hear you. I was unable to deal with my DS at that age. I didn't fight hard enough for support in hindsight. I wish I had.
Schools have a good parochial care system that may assist.
You can't go shouting at them about who they're hanging out with when as a single parent or working parent or both with other family members it's a killer when you're pubescent DS turns like this.
As for the gf I'd not say much otherwise he'll do the opposite.
It does get better. In my case it took years and caused massive anxiety.
DD was 2 years older and absolutely wonderful. They were treated equally.
It's personality sometimes. Empathy worked a bit with DS but it was a bumpy ride.
I think he still struggles because I was working and absent or tired.
His father had access but was a rubbish role model.

Monty27 · 07/02/2022 04:29

OP sorry that was so long.

Original poster
par05 · 07/02/2022 04:35

@monty27 am at my wits end, everytime we've argued it seems like it's over her, he had had his head turned by her, to the point if I'm telling him off he's on his phone at the same time telling her what I'm saying etc, it's just so not him. He was never like this before. He says he was but his siblings have tried to speak to him and he just tells her that they are trying to get him into trouble. No father figure on the scene. I was just so upset to see cuts on his arm today and know I didn't handle it well at all.

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Monty27 · 07/02/2022 04:44

Mine was smoking weed at 14 and behaved irrationally. Could it be that?
Do you allow his gf to come round?
She does seem like a bad influence.
I seriously feel your pain.

Original poster
par05 · 07/02/2022 08:04

I don't allow his girlfriend to come around, but he has been to her house twice, he also hangs around with her after school a few times a week although, I limit it and ask him to come home by 6, last week he came home and went straight to sleep, when I woke him up later that eve he was so disoriented and his eyes were blood shot red it scared me, I asked him if he was on anythin, he denied it, he dosent smell off weed though.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 10/02/2022 03:56

I would have her round to see what I'm dealing with and let her know who she's dealing with If he doesn't stink of weed it's not weed which is possibly more of a worry.
Don't keep your eye off the ball. Obviously you know that. But I mean don't miss a trick.
How old are his siblings? How is his schoolwork going? Sorry if I missed that. Schools can be really supportive to parents. At times.

Hamjamwich · 10/02/2022 10:23

Ring GP for an appointment. Say he's tired all the time and ask for them to also test for drugs

Hamjamwich · 10/02/2022 10:24

And get Bark App on his phone . Switch it off at night !

blyn72 · 10/02/2022 11:28

I think you should allow the girlfriend to come round. It's quite possible that her parents are saying he has turned her head! However it is quite normal for fourteen year olds to have a boy or girlfriend and they do change, it's part of growing up. Mine did, she was older and it fizzled out after a few months but while it lasted we saw her often and met her parents.

They were always on the 'phone to each other.

If you try to stop the relationship, he'll still see her in secret. There's no point.

What would worry me more would be his self harming, if you are sure that is what it is. People self harm when they are very upset. You need to get to the bottom of that, with help if necessary, but relax about the girlfriend and do meet her parents.

blyn72 · 10/02/2022 11:29

Ps: What is a ph? I presume it is nothing to do with acid/alkaline balance :-).

Avarua · 10/02/2022 11:36

He's 14. He'd probably be sulky and dramatic even if there wasn't a gf on the scene. Be careful of attributing the changes you see in him to her.

Original poster
par05 · 18/02/2022 23:49

So on Thurs he was out late and should have been playing sports with his brother but, went off with gf, he came home late, and was slurring his words, he said he was tired I didn't believe him, he changed his story so many times, then I asked him calmly what did he do and he has admitted to smoking weed! Said was his first time and he hadn't done it before,don't believe him at all and so disappointed 😞 he wants to go to his gf house tomorrow as bday, but I have put foot down and said no, he is sulking now and just really worried about him ! Sorry have had a big glass of wine whole typing this. Sorry if it dosent make sense 😞

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Original poster
par05 · 18/02/2022 23:51

Sorry haven't replied to msgs haven't been on mumsnet for a while x

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Monty27 · 20/02/2022 05:47

How's it going? So many of us have been there and so many going through the same stuff daily.
It's tough. Seriously try school or GP.

Original poster
par05 · 20/02/2022 14:21

Hi @Monty27he did go to his gf for her bday, for a few hrs I caved. I'm really not sure what to do, 2 siblings older and 1 younger and the 2 older ones have tried talking to him, but he's not listening thinks he has done nothing wrong. He just asked me if he can go out tomorrow but have said no. He just seems to think we all are over reacting.

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Monty27 · 21/02/2022 03:01

OP they try overstepping the boundaries all the time. Does he enjoy his older DBs company?

Original poster
par05 · 21/02/2022 09:08

Hi he does or did, they were all very close and the boys would go out often together they shared a bedroom too until dd went to uni.

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Original poster
par05 · 27/02/2022 20:00

Just had enough had taken his phone off him as constantly on it and have found out he and his gf have been sexually active, just had enough now don't want to talk to him or look at him, he see no wrong in anything and just had a huge kick off with him. Don't feel good but feel like he has lost his innocence! Don't know how to protect him anymore 😔 she has been sexuqlly active before him with a few other boyfriends plus a girlfriend and she regularly tells him, I know this as I went through his phone as something was up and he was lieing to me.

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