Teenage ds and first girlfriend

[par05]

So ds 14 has a girlfriend, and since going out with her has changed from a happy go lucky boy to a sulking sly and secretive person, who I do not recognise! I have spoken to him as has his siblings, but still not listening to us, I'm not keen on his girlfriend I got to be honest and have told him as he has lost all his friends because of this girl, he was texting her today about how his brother took his pH of him at 3am and told him to go to sleep so now he hates his brother! I have taken his pH off of him, now as he is constantly tired and feeling ill. I'm really at the end of my tether with him and just feel like he is not listening to what I'm saying, I've tried to be nice and say good things and get her something for Xmas etc but she has changed him so much into someone we don't know. How do I handle it short of telling him to not see her anymore? Sorry if I'm rambling

Think the girlfriend is sort of irrelevant- yes of course they are influenced but you are where you are now - you can’t make him give her up you he just needs to try and make better choices with the things he is doing. Lots of children try drugs but sometimes pastoral care at schools will have access to people who can talk to them one to one about where that path can take them. The fact that he has self harmed to me means he is not coping and despite the fact that he is hard to like at the moment, he is still your son, and you do love him. When he is pushing you away he needs to know that you love him. I read that on here when I was at my lowest and I thought this is madness that is not what they want to,hear from me . But it was, they are making terrible choices , sometimes just because they are young, and sometimes because they are troubled, but most with a steady home and support move through it- don’t give up on him, you have a long road,ahead he is a young teen but with the right support you can do this.

I think blaming the gf is a cop out and easy person to blame. I have a 14 year old he's moaning and arugementive on his own without a gf. It's the PlayStation that is his problem. You don't have her round as she's banned so you've made your mind up against her. A couple of things stick out to me.

1. Kids will stay on devices so it's down to you to put rules in place and take it off him.

1. His siblings shouldn't be getting involved in parenting issues, they can offer support, advice but you need to parent and take devices off him not a sibling.

1. You don't like her because they speak on the phone to each other, they are just kids it's not like they are doing drugs together.

1. By being so negative you've actually pushing him closer to her.

1. Your judging her based on private messages they sent, you don't know this girl. How would you feel if her parents did the same.

1. You sound overbearing in your approach in all honesty and the relationship would have naturally fizzled out but your getting yourself involved.

@Fcuk38
Great advice , all this worked for me .

@twoblueskies your post made me cry, and I haven't done that yet but now am sobbing, we didn't really know where he would go as he has lost his friends since gf, we drove around and saw him, he ran off everytime we got near , eventually came back with me, said he was gonna go to police etc I have tried to help him keep in contact with his friends but he doesn't. I need to be calm but I'm a mess
@Fcuk38 I get what you are saying, he hasn't self harmed for a few months as hates the scars on his arms now. We talked about that, but when he is out he will still vape and weed even though he assures me he dosent.
He gets from his girlfriend the weed, he didn't smoke it until she introduced him to it.
He does need me I know I need to support him and I want to but I don't fully know how to.
I have to stay calm I know I'm the adult and have to ride it till its over but just now I'm a mess I need to step back

I think you now need to speak to a doctor and the school, you need to get support to help him.
I know it’s hard but you need to try keep your calm around him. Don’t tell him how disappointed you are in him and argue with him about it constantly as thag will continue to push him away. He needs help, he’s lost and feels like this girl is the only one there for him since he’s arguing with everyone in his family.
I know this girl is a bad influence but you made it clear from the get go that you didn’t like her, from experience, it would be better to just have her over and that way you can keep an eye on things.
Today try to keep calm, speak to him and ask if he’s okay. Let him shout and be himself but try not react in a bad way, you need tk listen. The constant arguing is not going to help right now. Tell him you are there, explain that you want to help him and that you’re there for him. Remind him how much his family loves him.
The arguing will not help, the shouting will make him anxious and he will become reactive.
phone the school and your doctor on Monday. They are both there to support you and will want to help. When you and him are ready, you need to get him to a doctor to discuss the self harming.
I know this is really difficult, but try not blame everything on this girl when speaking to him, he believes he loves her and won’t want to hear anything negative about her.

Then call the police and give them the GF’s details. Surely supplying weed to a minor would be something they’d take seriously.

@Bananarama21 he has broken up 3 times with this girl but she begs him to get back together, when he breaks up with her it's over her insecurities she dosent like him talking to or about other girls or hanging out with other friends, but he always goes back, I have left it alone at times, but then I do acknowledge I am probably over involved too, I do need to step back.
@Fraaahnces I have been thinking same, or I need to talk to her parents but when I have said that to him he flips and says no as she dosent get on with her mother.
@Hiddenvoice I do need help I can't cope I need to stay calm , after reading msgs this morning I have been in to him and told him that I do love him, but didn't get much of a reply, didn't expect one tbh though.

Sorry to make you cry @par05
It really is horrible . Your last post was v typical of my Dd and her bf relationship. Lots of drama , falling out , kissing others ( both of them ) . I was thinking as an adult I wouldn't behave / treat someone like that . But taking a step back they are kids and working it out . I'm not sure what lads mother thinks because she clearly thinks my dd is to blame , whereas I think they are equally (ir) responsible!

But yes that containing your own emotions being neutral not letting them see your bothered while maintaining some communication is key , but challenging .

Hi ds had cricket today so have dropped him off at cricket, and he's still playing game lasts forever, I've just come back to fetch him and can see him with his head down on the pitch, haven't really said much to him today kinda glad he's had a game to take his mind off of things, I've spent today with my younger dd and older ds which has been quite nice, I know I need to focus on them aswell . @twoblueskies your advice was spot on and I will keep my emotions in check, and am not going to be drawn into arguments, I know now I'm.not alone and things can improve thank you to everyone, I am shattered today as did not sleep last night at all, and have kept busy today! The night is a lonely place.

I think it’s moved past discussing it with your DS. Don’t call her parents. They will play victim/deny/blame your DS. I can’t see anything positive coming from that.
Call the police. Take son’s mobile. Keep it. You own it. Lock it in the boot of the car if you must. Let her suffer some consequences. Don’t buy into any sob stories.

He gave me his phone last night, and also a spare phone his gf had given him to contact her for when I ask for his phone! Couldn't believe that he had a spare phone! I have told him that if he does something wrong I will still be his parent and will say to him this is not acceptable, be ringing gp tomorrow and school, have sent him to my parents today to help them and to keep him busy. At the moment I find it hard to speak to him tbh, I am though as trying to keep communication open.

I would definitely get in touch with his school. They will already probably know more than you think about the situation and it will be good for him to know that you and the school are working together. It always helps for the student to hear the same thing from someone that isn't the parent.

This is a very usual age for the drama of teenage life to kick in. One of the things that is worth talking to him about is his insistence that this relationship and lifestyle is good for him and you are the one making him miserable. I would point out that if this was the case you would be noticing a funny, happy settled boy and not the child who is clearly struggling that you have now.

Sometimes stating the obvious in a calm way can work wonders.

Don't be afraid to ask for professional help. School/GP have seen this all before and will have lots of advice and support for you.

Hi been a while, today ds came back from being out drunk ! In the park he has been so good lately, I'd left him to it basically, had rang school they said would keep eye on him after he ran away, but had stopped being drawn into arguments with him. Him and his gf have been arguing and have broken up.
He was heart broken gave him plenty of hugs etc, did think other day he had smoked weed or drunk but today he smelled very strongly of alcohol, he won't tell me who he was with or who gave it to him.
What do I do??? I just at a loss as thought we were turning a corner 😔

I didn't shout at him I sat with him and told him this is not good you could have been seriously hurt or something, he wouldn't tell me who he was with or why he did it or where he got it from, I just feel like he is lost to me now. He was just shouting go away I don't want to talk to you. This morning he hasn't gotten up for school. He is physically to big for me to get him out of bed and I think he uses this as intimidating me.