Teenage ds and first girlfriend

[par05]

So ds 14 has a girlfriend, and since going out with her has changed from a happy go lucky boy to a sulking sly and secretive person, who I do not recognise! I have spoken to him as has his siblings, but still not listening to us, I'm not keen on his girlfriend I got to be honest and have told him as he has lost all his friends because of this girl, he was texting her today about how his brother took his pH of him at 3am and told him to go to sleep so now he hates his brother! I have taken his pH off of him, now as he is constantly tired and feeling ill. I'm really at the end of my tether with him and just feel like he is not listening to what I'm saying, I've tried to be nice and say good things and get her something for Xmas etc but she has changed him so much into someone we don't know. How do I handle it short of telling him to not see her anymore? Sorry if I'm rambling

Haven't posted for a while, but things came to a head today, ds ran away after he had a argument with me not proud of myself as I tried to knock his phone out of his hand with my stick then a fight with his bro, who stepped in as he was pushing me, he has come home now as I called my friend and me his brother and her went looking for him, found him and calmed him down enough to come home but, there was no reasoning with him at all, even my friend had never seen him like that before.
he's 14 and I'm at my wits end, he still with his girlfriend who constantly argues with her parents and tried to kill herself last week, he's having sex with her aswell!
They've broken up a few times then gets back together, when he breaks up with her he tells me all about it.
He tells her how horrible I am and she vice versa when take his phone of him he flips now he threatens to runaway and I think she's the same!

Today he ran and it took us 2 hrs to ask him to come home and not run I really don't know where to go from here as his brother and sisters don't want to talk to him and neither do I if I honest, he's rewriting everything in his head and she is feeding him vitorol! I'm at a loss as to where to go from here, there was no reasoning with him at all today his attitude was awful and he's not normally like this 😕

All the best op

Sorry rambling now, I'm just so upset. Really don't want to talk to him at the moment but am afraid he might run again if I sleep.

Thank you @Hawkins001 I really don't know what to do anymore all my kids have been brought up the same way and I just can't believe this is happening, and I want to smash his phone up as I believe it's what's causing him to go completely crazy all the time

Sometimes as hard as it is, you can be the best parent and they can still be influenced by other people, and I understand your frustrations but taking the phone won't suddenly alter the behaviour as it's already progressed further. If it was me, was just let your ds, know your their for him, otherwise you could risk pushing him away more, via restrictions ect, yes I know it's a pickle but it's like damned if you do, and same if you don't ect

I really am at my wits end uf only I could turn back time, I keep remembering him last September when he was just so the boy I had brought up, before he had his girlfriend who just feeds his behaviour, he was so lovely would hold my hand out and about at 14 , we could joke with him and everything now whatever we say it's offensive to him. I am a single mum with four kids. I just think he needs a father figure which he hasn't had since he was 4. I can't sleep for worrying about him but also think now he's had the attention of us running after him.begging him to come home he thinks he's in the right.

I would take his phone every night before bed. I do that with all my kids and they’re older than he is. I don’t read texts or snoop, but they need to sleep and have no ability to self-regulate. All of them seem to feel the need to respond immediately to messages, etc.
I have explained that if their friends are “allowed” to be on phones all night, that’s between them and their own parents. It’s not how it works in our family. If they want to have more freedom, then they buy and pay for their phones themselves. They are surprisingly unwilling to do that.
*My kids’ phones constantly vibrate with incoming messages until stupid o’clock in the morning, but at least they’re not being woken up by them.

@Fraaahnces I've tried to do this, and all I get is abuse, he turns it around on to me as if I'm stopping him being happy and make him miserable his girlfriend gave him another phone, so that he can still msg her when I have his phone, he lies all the time now, he wasn't like this before, he's ruined his relationship with his siblings, I'm tempted to send him tonhis father who lives abroad and hasn't really been in his life since he was 4! I don't know how to deal with him anymore.

He smokes weed has sex and vapes, lies all the time qnd accuses us all of making him miserable if I call him down to spend some family time with me and his siblings, all he wants to do is be on call with his girlfriend he's 14 but 6ft tall.

I feel he's ruined his childhood and his inoccence I could cry 😢 I just wanted all my kids to have happy childhoods and he was happy until 14, but now he's forgotten all that.

4am in the morning here and I can't sleep, I'm worried he might run off again, with his gf who tried to kill herself apparently a week ago! What am I doing, I keep going over what he was saying and just can't get over how selfish and ungrateful he was, I don't want to look at him at the min!

You need to stop blaming GF for the shitty decisions your DS is making and look to him. He is making those choices and he needs help. NOW. Get him to GP for a psych and health assessment. Speak to his school to see if they can provide support too. A kid that is smoking weed and self-harming is not in a good place.

Handhold OP, you must be under a lot of stress

Two separate issues, that are crossing over, the relationship Teen relationships can be very intense. Personally, if I found myself in your situation, I would prefer the girlfriend coming into my house, to keep a better eye on things. Often if parents, take against the boyfriend or girlfriend it seems to push them together even more. Perhaps your DS feels you haven’t given the GF a chance, and you are blaming her for his behaviour, without getting to know her.

Drug use, my sons went to an Ofsted rated outstanding school, in an upmarket seaside town, weed was a big problem, lots of their friends were using it. Alcohol, cigarettes weren’t popular amongst their friends, drugs were mainly weed, from what they told me. So this doesn’t surprise me at all. You need to speak to him about drug use and get support.

Moving forward, you can’t just wave a magic wand and get that little boy back OP, as difficult as that is to accept, DS is growing up. And that growing up will include some things you don’t like along the way.

My sons are 20 and 19. I have always welcomed GF’s into our home, and treated them respectfully and with kindness. Unless you can come to terms with the situation and learn to handle things better, you should manage to steer things better, but that won’t happen if you are considered the enemy. Whatever you do, don’t push him away, and keep communication open.

Teens go through phrases, OP. Even the lovely ones, you will get through it. Take care of yourself too. Good luck.

@Roselilly36
Great post , couldn't agree more x

@par05 I've been in your position and did what you did . It didn't work and our relationship deteriorated. We are now in a good place doing what @Roselilly36 does ,

Keep the girlfriend close

Try to keep him busy if you can - do things as a family, get him to go see grandparents, cousins, or hang out with siblings. Maybe make Friday a movie night & no phones allowed during the movie. It shouldn't be hard to not check your phone for an hour - however when in a toxic relationship it's reallyyyy hard because you most likely will check your phone after an hour with 20+ messages, each one getting slightly more harsh as time goes on (just my personal experience from when I was a teen). I had a horrible boyfriend & my Dad even took me on a weeks holiday to Greece to try and get me back to my old self. The relationship lasted less than a year but I left it a shadow of my former self, no confidence and very unhappy. I didn't listen to my parents for a while unfortunately. Toxic people love to bring others down! Ditching friends is also not good, and very unhealthy, he'll need some if/when the relationship doesn't work out. If you don't want a falling out with your son, then I think all you can do it subtly try to help by creating distance between them (even if it's just an hour with no phones or a trip to the grandparents). x

Feel your pain, in some respects been there. Like other posters said some kids go through this and some luckily avoid it, but however sad this is making you it is not uncommon. If your son can’t handle having the phone all night , take it off him, or shut it down. You have been advised by posters to get help from outside agencies and don’t seem to have done this. Things won’t just get better on their own, in fact things got worse for us until circumstances meant we were given outside help-be pro active- speak to the school firstly- they have been there many times before and often have great pastoral care which children can go to when overwhelmed- and the self harming is pointing towards that.

Teens are difficult, you have to move past the fact that he is no longer a cuddly little boy. Also again as others have said this isn’t all down to having a new girlfriend, this would possibly have happened anyway, he is experimenting with new things and getting it wrong.
I totally understand your despair but please keep calm and know with the right help in place this will get better.

Sorry OP, I'm new to MN and didn't realise this post was originally from December and that things have progressed a lot since then. Sorry to read you're having such an awful time at the minute 😔x

Thank you all for replying, I'm up and have no idea what to say to ds today I'm angry disappointed with myself and with him, and his lies and manipulate behaviour as he was just coming up with you made me do this, you blame everything on me being on my phone, I do nothing for him, I hate him, I make him miserable, I tell him he has to be home early, or I say I want his phone,
my other ds dosent want to know him at the min as they had a physical fight, because he was pushing me. He then ran off and it took 2 hours to find him and bring him back, there was no reasoning with him last night, he came back and went straight to his room and on call with his girlfriend to tell her all the drama , his younger sister took him food ip but he told her to go away, I've tried to be calm and I do shout at him, and I did hit his hand with my stick to knock his phone and that's when he pushed me and older ds got involved, I have no other family here who can help, his father is abroad and hasn't really been in his life since he was 4.
My other 3 kids are fine, I don't know where I gone wrong with ds

I do think I need to get school involved, but I think he will just blame me for everything and say its because I don't agree with his having a relationship.

I'm sorry things are so tough.

It might be worth you divorcing his behaviour from his GF in your head though. He's making these decisions, he's growing up, he's going through a teenage phase.

Blaming and hating her, banning him from seeing her etc isn't fair on her and gives him a free pass.

Good luck

Please get the school involved- he will ,blame you because at his age he feels he wants to grow up and you are putting down all these rules. Think my child at times did hate me and what I stood for and did tell many outside agencies this. But they have all heard it many times and they will help. The self harm is just showing he can’t cope with how he is feeling probably and the drugs could be the same. Some children try drugs to experiment and some because they can’t cope.

It has got into a downward spiral for you and intervention can help. I learnt myself also to calm down, I was exactly like you, Iwas distraught and panicking- I shouted a lot as I literally could not believe what had been going on, but it helped no one.
Get help, calm down , many many parents go through this- our social worker said it was so common, all of it - but without help it would have spiralled longer for us. We are seeing light at the end of the tunnel, our child is making sensible decisions, we enjoy time together again. I am nervous of a reoccurrence but as they get older they do calm down and they learn how to,cope with big emotions.

I honestly do understand how you feel but have hope and get help . School, gp, and eventually we had a social worker- Cahmns were hopeless. Hope things are calm this weekend

He has no discipline I've never really had to discipline him before now, he wants me to trust him and I can't as I don't agree with any of the things he's done, he has betrayed my trust, I want to reach out to him but I'm feel atm it'll just end up in argument again, my friend says I need to just leave him be give him his phone let him go out do what he wants, my older dc have had enough of him and his behaviour, I get what your saying about his gf but he dosent want me to meet her now. Although at the beginning I did try to meet her then found out they had sex at her house, and she supplies him weed and vapes.

of course you are disappointed in his behaviour but it sounds like you are making that very very clear to him and that’s perhaps not what he needs right now . It sounds very negative of course in your house now and you need to try and turn that around. All I have read is how you are disappointed in his behaviour and his girlf and you’ve tried to take his phone away. But what actual help have you given? Step away for a min and pretend this was happening to a friend what would you advise?

1. self harmed: he needs to see a doctor/ counsellor- make that appt even if it’s you having the conversation not him
2. he’s sexually active; have you reminded him about save sex? How old is this girl, is she underage because if so he needs to be understanding that .
3. the smoking weed: where’s he getting it from? How’s he paying for it?
4. the girlfriend: you’ve made a huge mistake saying you don’t like her. Rule one is always keep the kids friends and girlfriends close. Why don’t you try and turn this around and apologise for saying this and that you would like to get to know her more and invite her around for tea. This is then your means to try and get to know her parents, because that’s key here. They may be having the same issues with her.

don’t say he needs a father figure. He needs his mum to get him the support he needs and ride the wave with him.

I've posted earlier but got time to go into more detail .

I know exactly what you are feeling but don't give up and don't blame yourself

Me and husband are together , comfortable income , look like a decent family . Even school said they wouldn't expect the behaviour we describe at home in our dd .

I've gone into so much detail in other posts so I won't repeat but we got the same pushback .

Our DD is 14

Same issues with phone resulting in her being v aggressive. I don't check it anymore but we do turn it off at 9.30

Having sex with BF despite all my efforts to no allow it . Now on bc but not allowing sex in house

Running away whenever challenged . We agreed safe friends to go to and keep tracker on phone . If she didn't do this we would call the police as advised .

Never banned bf , my dd banned from his . this means we know where they are and we are having some influence over him too . They haven't got to know my dd and are chasing him all over. They refuse to reconnect with me and beat him but still he comes . I would rather be in my position than his parents right now .

She was cutting herself and took an overdose as well as leaving the house to walk streets late at night on own

When it first began I contacted school for support and made appt with Gp regarding cutting . Had mental health assessment following overdose .

I changed my approach to being very calm and keeping concerns to myself and gave her more permission and freedom and TRUST
She has boundaries , phone off at 9.30 in week . Not leaving house after 8.30 pm . Coming in at 8.30 . Spending time with us as a family . Bf comes in ( even plays board games with us now ! ) I've always made him welcome .
She is no longer self harming or running away .

Last week she actually said she was glad to have parents who took an interest in her life and got to know her bf and friends !! That was a real shock as she had said we were too involved before .

It's a much calmer house , yes I wish she wasn't sexually active , but she is safe now .

Btw BF dad is a known dealer in the area so hardly a great family but son not on drugs and my dd being banned from his house def works in my favour .

Btw do you know where son goes to when he runs ? The last time I didn't chase my DD down ( husband away , no car , youngest in bed ) she was very strong in her accusations of what a bad parent I was not trying to get her back / knowing where she was . But I told her I wanted her home and told her that but she made a choice and I knew where she was . Other parents who she goes to let me know because I've told them what's been happening and how worried we are .

I hope this helps because you are not the only one going through this . And j didn't believe it would change but it has x