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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Can I go out? No. Well I'm going anyway...

75 replies

worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:09

Ds (15) asked if he could go to a concert next week to which I said no as it would mean getting home around midnight on a Tuesday night plus travelling into & across London with his girlfriend who I've never met. He's in a massive strop and said "well I'm going anyway you can't stop me". He goes straight from school to meet his girlfriend so we can't stop him and now he's realised this, he just does exactly what he wants.

I don't know how to gain back his respect or god-forbid, any control over him. Sanctions don't seem to work and I've been trying to give him more freedom so he can meet his girlfriend in the week locally but this latest 'request' is a stretch too far IMO. What do you do with a defiant teen as so far, the more freedom we give him the more he seems to push his luck!

ETA - although I've not met the girlfriend, she's at school with kids we know so definitely his age and she sounds a nice/decent sort. We have asked to meet her but DS is horrified at the thought!

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/12/2021 10:16

'No ds,I can't stop you but you will need to realise that if you do this there will be consequences- I won't pay for your phone anymore/ or whatever will hit him hard . Keep calm ,don't row just lay it out straight.

Original poster
worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:23

Unfortunately he just says he doesn't care about consequences - we've literally just come out of a week long ban of his phone for doing similar a few weeks back and it clearly had no impact.

I don't disagree we need to do something but not sure what. I've the conversation about hoping he'd respect our decision and it was predominantly concern for his well being (late night /travel in London/covid at a concert etc) and not us just wanting to spoil his fun or ruin his social life.

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MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/12/2021 10:24

What does he care about? Where's he getting the money for this concert?

PostingForTheFirstTime · 10/12/2021 10:26

Like MrsP says - where is he getting the money to go for this concert? And for his phone and fashion clothes? That is your leverage, right there.

Theunamedcat · 10/12/2021 10:27

Tell him if he goes you will be giving his name to security and telling them not to let him in

HollowTalk · 10/12/2021 10:27

Are you sure his g/f didn't give him an old phone to use in secret? It's hard to imagine a boy with a new girlfriend not being bothered about losing his phone rights.

Original poster
worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:29

Girlfriend bought these tickets but he has a PT job so has money for tickets etc. The job seemed great when he just wanted to buy himself gadgets and sweets but now it seems to be funding his social life I'm less enthused.

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Original poster
worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:32

@HollowTalk

Are you sure his g/f didn't give him an old phone to use in secret? It's hard to imagine a boy with a new girlfriend not being bothered about losing his phone rights.
No his mates all know her and let him borrow their phones to chat/arrange meet ups after school (so I've since discovered!).
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Original poster
worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:36

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

What does he care about? Where's he getting the money for this concert?
He cares about his tech, football, his girlfriend and himself. The one thing I've really tried to avoid (but it might be my last hope) is stopping him going to football. Aside from the obvious health benefits, when he's at training, that's 3 nights a week I know where he is and he's very into his fitness so hoping this will make him think twice about drugs/smoking etc
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kickupafuss · 10/12/2021 10:39

I would let him go. 12 isn't too late for a one off. When I was 15, I had an amazing social life and went to concerts all the time. I drove my parents mad but it was one of the best times of my life.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/12/2021 10:41

I don't think that sounds too bad, a concert then home by 12. Is he used to London, has he travelled around a lot? London is busy again, so trains/buses/tubes will be busy. He's with a girlfriend, not a big bunch or rowdy lads. When is he 16?

I just think there's worse he could be doing, so maybe ease up a little and talk to him about your worries. Easier said than done though, I know, I hated that age with mine.

Thatsplentyjack · 10/12/2021 10:41

I would probably just let him go, and if I was worried about him traveling alone (which I would be) I would pick him up.

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2021 10:44

Is it Tuesday next week? So no school the next day?

And is it the late night & transport you’re worried about - because that is overcome by you taking him/collecting him - or is it “risk of Covid”?

And if it’s “risk of Covid” do you have legitimate reasons from trying to avoid catching it - vulnerable family members?

Because otherwise I’m afraid I agree you might well be being a bit of a fun-spoiler.

With teens, if you can look for acceptable solutions not impose hard barriers you’re likely to get better buy-in and less defiance.

TabithaTiger · 10/12/2021 10:52

Why is he not allowed to go? A concert and home by 12 sounds reasonable to me at 15. It's not a house party or a rave! I have two older teens and have learned that it's best to trust them and allow them some freedom. If you don't, then they'll do it anyway and lie about it so you'll have no idea where he is.

Nevertime · 10/12/2021 10:53

Oh. Can you admit you were wrong and change your mind?

Of course it's not normally OK on a school night, but for a one off special occasion the week they're breaking up for Christmas...

I always found the way to deal with challenging behaviour (at 8/10/13/15 & 18!) was to give them some of the freedom they're craving and the responsibilty that comes with it.

The responsibility part is key. He's responsible for paying for the outing,
planning the journey, getting home safely and being at school on time in the morning.

Original poster
worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:54

It is Tuesday next week and he has school next day. Asked taking bringing back isn't practical - driving is 2hrs each way and we won't have finished work in time to take them and I can't see him wanting us to accompany them on the train Grin

Covid concerns are probably secondary to personal safety as none of us are vulnerable but the idea of them being at a big indoor concert doesn't sit particularly well.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:55

Oh dear it seems I am being a bit unreasonable.

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Forsure69 · 10/12/2021 10:56

Is he responsible?

shiningstar2 · 10/12/2021 10:57

I wouldn't consider stopping the football. If he is training 3 times a week that is 3 times he is coming home, you know where he is, he is getting healthy exercise and good fun socialising with his mates. Where wil he be if he doesn't go to football? More time to go out more with girl friend with the extra stress for you if he defies you to do this when the football is stopped.
Also, at this age girlfriends come and go. You don't want him losing touch with his mates at the football if/when this relationship ends. My dgs has recently had his first girlfriend. Very intense. Wanted to move schools for A level to be at her school. Fortunately didn't happen. Relationship ended and as he had kept up his football and cycling hobbies with friends all is fine. Teens can be very awkward. If you stopped the football, when you say he can go again he could say he doesn't want to go now. That leaves the way open for far less healthy pursuits. Good luck. It's a difficult age sometimes 💐

Original poster
worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:58

@Forsure69

Is he responsible?
If you asked me six months ago I would have said yes But now, I just don't know. He is so distant plus fiercely independent and of course trying to impress his new girlfriend.
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Busybee5000 · 10/12/2021 11:02

I worried about my 15 year old sitting on his own at a football match last week (usually goes with DH but we let him go, he was fine, glad I did it) and so this is another level for me. Personally I would not let my son go to a concert. Maybe I need to reconsider my boundaries!

Discuss the situation, maybe say you would allow him to go if x,y,z is followed. THat way he looks like he has got his own way but also tells him you have control over the situation too, he can’t just do what he wants.

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2021 11:03

OK. So you can’t take him and collecting from London you’re not prepared to do? So train home is the only option if he wants to go.

At what age would you be comfortable with this? Try to ask yourself that. Because it’s a situation that will recur, and you’ll have to deal with the discomfort some time if not now.

Banish the covid concerns issue. You can’t do anything about that and you can’t expect him to care!

What can you do to make this acceptable to you?

Tittyfilarious81 · 10/12/2021 11:05

I've a 15 year old and I'd let him go if he's mature enough and used to the traveling I don't see what's wrong as a 1 off

Nevertime · 10/12/2021 11:06

FWIW the tube will be busy at night the week before Christmas. Covid concerns aside, it's a good time to have your first evening out in London.

Forsure69 · 10/12/2021 11:09

What has changed to make him not responsible?

Is it his disrespect or the sense that he is growing up and becoming the person you have taught him to be but you're a little frightened and gone into panic mood; trying to regain control.
I'm hoping this isn't coming across rude 😕 Honestly, not my intention. Just curious and exploring from his perspective and yours it's just the language he is using comes across like he doesn't feel like you trust him. So now he is frustrated and offering the "well tough, I'm going". Has he went through his plans, how will he keep himself safe, you REALLY need to meet his gf before a big a event- kinda information. Teens struggle to see our worries and actually understand the consequences. It's all about getting the buzz

He is missing key information that your worried and he obviously just sees mum ruining his date!