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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Can I go out? No. Well I'm going anyway...

75 replies

worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:09

Ds (15) asked if he could go to a concert next week to which I said no as it would mean getting home around midnight on a Tuesday night plus travelling into & across London with his girlfriend who I've never met. He's in a massive strop and said "well I'm going anyway you can't stop me". He goes straight from school to meet his girlfriend so we can't stop him and now he's realised this, he just does exactly what he wants.

I don't know how to gain back his respect or god-forbid, any control over him. Sanctions don't seem to work and I've been trying to give him more freedom so he can meet his girlfriend in the week locally but this latest 'request' is a stretch too far IMO. What do you do with a defiant teen as so far, the more freedom we give him the more he seems to push his luck!

ETA - although I've not met the girlfriend, she's at school with kids we know so definitely his age and she sounds a nice/decent sort. We have asked to meet her but DS is horrified at the thought!

OP posts:

EmmasMum12 · 10/12/2021 11:11

It'd be nice to meet his girlfriend. Get her onside (not necessarily for this event but in general)

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2021 11:14

Pride is a HUGE thing too his girlfriend has bought the tickets and it’s humiliating to him that he can’t accept; hot on the heels of him not having his phone to communicate because it was confiscated. I’m not saying you were wrong to do that, btw, but it’s started you off on the wrong foot with the girlfriend issue because he’s reluctant to let you meet her because he’s angry and embarrassed.

It’s tough and I send you

50ShadesOfCatholic · 10/12/2021 11:15

One of my kids did the defiance thing and I got some advice from a parenting course which worked really well for us.

I'd say, you're right, I can't stop you but before you go you should listen to what I have to say. Which was usually something like, I'm against it because you're very important to me and I'm concerned for your safety. I know it must feel like I'm trying to ruin your life but I promise that's the last thing I want to do, I want you to have an amazing life. And that's why I don't want you to put yourself at risk by doing xx.

mugoftea456 · 10/12/2021 11:18

I cant see the problem with letting him go.

There seems to be so many threads lately on parent really restricting their teens. One recently tracking her 17 year old.

Honestly i think as parents we really need to let teens find their own way in life, and be there as a fall back in case of emergencies.

Let him go, your son has had almost two years of restrictions, no events, no social life.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 10/12/2021 11:19

It will be completely humiliating for him if he has to tell his girlfriend his mum stopped him going. I think he will go a long way to avoid that and probably will defy you and go anyway so it's damage limitation about talking to him about mitigations

I would say talk about to him again about it. Say you have had a rethink and will let him go but your concern was about his safety can you discuss what he would do in x situation (missed last train, got robbed etc) Make it a positive risk taking exercise as he is going to do this stuff one day and it seems this is that day

ponkydonkey · 10/12/2021 11:20

He'll be able to cope with school the next day... I'd let him go
And just let him know you'll be worried and text you etc

My eldest is now 17 and honestly you won't be able to stop him. We live in the country and he often goes to London on nights out.

All I ask is that
He's quiet when he gets home late
Texts me back if I'm wondering where he is
Let me know he's on his way back

He does all of these things and we don't have any problems.

kickupafuss · 10/12/2021 11:21

If your DS goes without your consent and something goes wrong, he will feel he can't contact you to ask for help which is the last thing you'd want.

TeeBee · 10/12/2021 11:24

Okay, he feels he's ready to make grown up choices and live an adult life, start charging him board and let him fund all his own costs and sort his own transport and clubs. He's either an adult and can behave like one, or he's not and he obeys your rules. Let him choose.

stalkersaga · 10/12/2021 11:26

Honestly, just let him go. He's 15 not 9. A concert with a nice girlfriend is really not that big a deal. So it's one late night, he'll live. London kids are travelling all over on public transport alone from age 11.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/12/2021 11:28

@worriedmum20000

Oh dear it seems I am being a bit unreasonable.

I don't know anyone and I have a wide circle of friends who would let their 15 year old do this.

Football is your leverage. We did similar with another sport, worked a treat with our very defiant teen. We took it away completely and he was able to earn it back.

JSL52 · 10/12/2021 11:30

Do they both have Covid passes ? Will they be able to get in ?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 10/12/2021 11:32

If you really wanted to 'hit' him change WiFi password..
Agree a time to collect him+gf after the concert if he agrees to apologise and behave more maturely in future..
Or I promise you that worry will consume you on concert night...

Itsalmostanaccessory · 10/12/2021 11:35

I dont know why you said no in the first place. He isnt out until midnight all the time, it's a treat with his girlfriend and it's almost Christmas. Let him have a bit of leeway.

You may benefit from a chat. Talking about how you made the wrong decision about this convert and thinking more about it, that actually it is OK for him to go. And that can lead to a conversation about respecting each other, listening to each other and making compromises. Listen to him. Let him hear you. Chat about how you're worrying about him and can see he is growing up and wants independence but he is pushing too far too soon, and you're all going to end up hating each other. He is still young and you need him to listen to you when you say no, and in return, you wont say no to things which are reasonable or not often treats etc.

He is growing up. You need to let him.

godmum56 · 10/12/2021 11:35

I think this is a "pick your battles" time. TBH if he knows you can't stop him, I am amazed he asked....and yes, there is NO WAY he is going to tell a girl that his Mum says no. Could you offer to collect them and drive them home and have them travel there independently? I don't think one late night will hurt. At his age I am not sure that taking stuff away will control him...I mean where do you escalate it to?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 10/12/2021 11:39

@EmmasMum12

Get her onside? As in, get her to listen because she a girl and therefore should be more pliable and mum can manipulate the girlfriend into manipulating her son?

No. Dont get the girlfriend "onside" so you can use her to control your son.

Parky04 · 10/12/2021 11:40

At 15 I would have kicked off as well. I went to Ibiza with my mates at 15! Why are some parents so strict nowadays?!

Wallywobbles · 10/12/2021 11:42

I'd be more worried about Covid for Christmas myself.

hellywelly3 · 10/12/2021 11:44

You need to pick your battles with teenagers. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to go to a concert at 15.

KeepApart · 10/12/2021 11:48

His GF has bought the tickets! Of course he doesn't want to disappoint her! It's not even a pride thing, if someone else bought me concert tickets and I turned around 5 days before the event and said I couldn't go I'd feel like shit

The problem with sanctions is its a bargaining tool, would I swap a week of my phone to go to a good concert in London with my GF? Yes probably. My mum will ground me for a week, seems fair enough for a good activity.

Realistically he's just going to be a bit tired the next day at school, but at 15 I reckon he will have gone to bed past midnight on many occasions before school. Its also the week before Christmas, school is normally fairly chilled that week even for gcse years

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/12/2021 11:53

TBH if he’s normally fairly sensible, I wouldn’t see a problem.

Mind you I’m a parent who once allowed a 13 year old dd to go with a friend of the same age, on a day trip from London to Calais. Trains and ferry, on their own.
It was ages ago, though, and only after much dubious hesitation from me and the other mum.

Sherryandbright · 10/12/2021 11:53

@kickupafuss

I would let him go. 12 isn't too late for a one off. When I was 15, I had an amazing social life and went to concerts all the time. I drove my parents mad but it was one of the best times of my life.

I agree. I'd let him go, op. What's the reason behind you not wanting him to? He's a 15 year old lad not a 5 year old who might be over tired. Let him be knackered day after if he wants.

BabycakesMatlala · 10/12/2021 11:54

Feel your pain - just starting to navigate the feelings around my own teen becoming more independent!

I think really what you need to do is work out which aspects are worrying you most, sit down and have a chat, tell him that you know he's sensible and you're proud of being able to trust him and how hard he's working with his job (etc!), but that, while he may not be worried about any aspects of the plan, you're feeling a bit concerned about X, y, z, and can he help reassure you on those aspects. If you frame it as your concerns that need reassurance from.him, that gives him a bit more control and responsibility to approach it from a mature viewpoint, rather than feeling he's being told no.

Hope that makes.sense (this is all MUCH easier said than done 🤣)

Forsure69 · 10/12/2021 11:56

"live an adult life, start charging him board and let him fund all his own costs and sort his own transport and clubs"

WOW!! So he can only live in the family home if his parents can control every aspect of his life otherwise he pays to have freedom?

Aphrodite31 · 10/12/2021 11:58

@NoSquirrels

It’s tough and I send you

This.

Pride is a massive concern for teen boys in particular. The gf bought the tickets. You can try to affect future dates - eg please check before booking - but this one you can't really, and you now need to handle super carefully or you'll end up literally out in the cold and he will isolate himself from you as you're a liability and gave the power to cause huge embarrassment and catastrophe in his fledgling independent life.

He HAS to become independent. This is totally natural, but it's a very scary process for the parents. Striking the balance between protecting and guiding them, and letting them start to take over the reins, can be very tricky.

In this case I would say:

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. It's just a bit hard for me/us to catch up with you becoming independent, etc. It's taken me by surprise, although I knew of course it would be coming some time. I've thought a lot about it and talked to my friends and I'm sorry because I do think it'll be fine and I didn't mean to overreact. Of course I want you to go and have a nice time and it was a lovely idea of your gf. We need to go through the plan carefully and please promise you'll answer texts and let me know you're there, and when you're on your way back. You know you'll be tired at school but that's just how it is.

That's what I'd do here. Let him go with your blessing, and you have a chance of being in the loop. Try to control him with military prison tactics and he'll want to tell you to F off even though it upsets him. And you. Don't fight. Go with it.

It's not a rave. It's a concert with his gf.

trumpisagit · 10/12/2021 11:59

Given you can't stop him going, can you have a conversation with him about how to go about it safely.
Also not booking late tickets on a school night in future.
Given you think he will go anyway I would fake a change of heart, and give him your permission.
Could/would you pick him and g/f up after?

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