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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Can I go out? No. Well I'm going anyway...

75 replies

worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 10:09

Ds (15) asked if he could go to a concert next week to which I said no as it would mean getting home around midnight on a Tuesday night plus travelling into & across London with his girlfriend who I've never met. He's in a massive strop and said "well I'm going anyway you can't stop me". He goes straight from school to meet his girlfriend so we can't stop him and now he's realised this, he just does exactly what he wants.

I don't know how to gain back his respect or god-forbid, any control over him. Sanctions don't seem to work and I've been trying to give him more freedom so he can meet his girlfriend in the week locally but this latest 'request' is a stretch too far IMO. What do you do with a defiant teen as so far, the more freedom we give him the more he seems to push his luck!

ETA - although I've not met the girlfriend, she's at school with kids we know so definitely his age and she sounds a nice/decent sort. We have asked to meet her but DS is horrified at the thought!

OP posts:

inferiorCatSlave · 10/12/2021 12:06

With teens, if you can look for acceptable solutions not impose hard barriers you’re likely to get better buy-in and less defiance.

This.

I'd not be thrilled with a concert ending midnight on a school night - but if someone else has already bought tickets I'd be having a long talk about why they need to priotise getting exams even if there' friends don't so this is a one off and it had better not occur again.

Then focus on getting back safely - and letting you know he's alright and making dam sure he at school the next day whatever happens.

ginswinger · 10/12/2021 12:09

Buy a unicorn onesie , put it on, go to the concert and dance next to him all night. And I mean the really bad, mum dancing.

PS, this isn't sterling parenting advice but I grew up with parents who went to great lengths to embarrass their teenagers.

Atla · 10/12/2021 12:18

I actually think midnight as a one off is ok. I used to be out all the time at that age, tickets are bought, it's the week before Christmas. Tube will be busy, as others have said.

I would be adamant he has to be up for school the next day with no moaning though.

Atla · 10/12/2021 12:21

Could you lift him from the train/tube station?

averythinline · 10/12/2021 12:31

Could you pick them up? Either from The venue or the last station?Are her folks OK with her travelling back at that time? Or contribute to a cab cost from the last station?? Around the concert venue likely to be busy so safer...
Statistically I think young men are at more risk when out ...so would talk to him about practicals..

It's hard my ds is that age and they've not had the usual growing up path because of covid ...but I agree support the football a lot the benefits of that far out way the leverage...

Hard Nos aren't a help....think of the long term...also saying I've been thinking..what about ....

EllaPaella · 10/12/2021 12:39

I would let him go. All his friends are going and he will be with his girlfriend and others. Personally I would be offering to pick up as well. It's a one off, lead up to Christmas and will such good fun for them.
But obviously every parent is going to have different feelings about this. My now 19 year old was always fiercely independent (I think that's totally normal teenage behaviour) and has always been sensible. He had to earn my trust to do the things he wanted to - this is a good opportunity for your son to demonstrate to you that he can be trusted to be sensible.

Strangevipers · 10/12/2021 12:42

You can't have it both ways and expect him to work but then only spend his money on things you find appropriate

Midnight at 15 as a one off at a concert not just wandering the streets drinking really doesn't seem to much of an ask

Can you tell him he can go so he doesn't feel like he's won this one but you would like to meet the girlfriend first please

Changemusthappen · 10/12/2021 12:43

Firstly I would have let both my DC go to the concert at 15. When you said 'no' did you explain why or did you have any kind of conversation around why you are concerned? Did you let him tell you that he would be sensible and what his plans were?

Saying just 'no' isn't a good reponse imo, he has reacted to this and now you are in a pickle.

That said he is also not showing much (any) maturity and respect here. Presumably he lives in your house, you take care of him. He is still a minor.

I would sit him down and explain that you recognise that you should have discussed it however you are also disappointed in his attitutude and disrespect. Frankly if my DC then refused to engage and carried on in the same 'I don't give a shit what you think way'. I would be showing them what me 'not giving a shit' looked like.

Tal45 · 10/12/2021 13:23

So have his GF's parents met him? If not it seems they're letting their 15 year old daughter and travel into and across London to a concert and then back very late at night with her 15 year old boyfriend that they haven't met. Do you think they're aware this is going on? Has she told them she's staying at a friends or something? Or do they just think this is fine?

I really think you really need to speak to her parents.

Pascal80 · 10/12/2021 13:39

OP - He's in a massive strop and said "well I'm going anyway you can't stop me".

Did he say that to his father's face? Did he get away with it?
If so, it's too late for any discipline.
He's won, and no removing his phone or any other nonsense will change it.

Lorw · 10/12/2021 13:48

Will he be able to get in with the new rules? Not sure how it works aha.

Original poster

worriedmum20000 · 10/12/2021 16:12

@Pascal80

OP - He's in a massive strop and said "well I'm going anyway you can't stop me".

Did he say that to his father's face? Did he get away with it?
If so, it's too late for any discipline.
He's won, and no removing his phone or any other nonsense will change it.

Yes he did say it to my face. When you say "did he get away with it" i'm intrigued to know what you would have done

OP posts:

50ShadesOfCatholic · 10/12/2021 16:28

@BabycakesMatlala

Feel your pain - just starting to navigate the feelings around my own teen becoming more independent!

I think really what you need to do is work out which aspects are worrying you most, sit down and have a chat, tell him that you know he's sensible and you're proud of being able to trust him and how hard he's working with his job (etc!), but that, while he may not be worried about any aspects of the plan, you're feeling a bit concerned about X, y, z, and can he help reassure you on those aspects. If you frame it as your concerns that need reassurance from.him, that gives him a bit more control and responsibility to approach it from a mature viewpoint, rather than feeling he's being told no.

Hope that makes.sense (this is all MUCH easier said than done 🤣)

That's a very sensible and supportive post. 👏

houseplantbore · 10/12/2021 16:44

This is a hard one.

You could ask him to sit down with you and tell you his full travel plans, show you the train times etc, and tell him you'll meet them at the station and drive them both home from there.

You could also say that you want to get in touch with his girlfriend's parents first and speak to them about it to make sure they're OK with it. Tbh I bet that would horrify him even more than the thought of you meeting her...

BabycakesMatlala · 11/12/2021 06:44

@50ShadesOfCatholic why thank you. It's what I know I should do in my own parenting....

GoodnightGrandma · 11/12/2021 06:48

It’s the lure of the female.
I’ve been there and it’s tough, part of them growing up and you having to let go.
Just make sure he’s got his phone, with credit, when he’s doing these things.

Misty84 · 11/12/2021 07:01

I did this kind of thing at 15 op 🙃 My parents let me as long as not very often if midweek. For a one off thing that I’d planned and explained then they were fine. You only live once!

ittakes2 · 11/12/2021 07:23

I would offer to drive them - that way you know he is safe and you meet his girlfriend.
I would also try and find out if one of my mum friends knew her mum or dad. They could be feeling the same way as you.

Bookworm20 · 11/12/2021 07:26

Tricky one. I think him saying he’s going anyway would have your back up and you’re thinking absolutely not.
However, the reason you are saying no is because it’s a late night on a school night and you’re worried about his safety.
I honestly think in your situation (and I have a 15 yo DS) I’d let him go. But sit and talk to him, give guidance on safety and he has to call you/text you when he gets there, and when he’s left concert and again when safely on the train.
Tell him he has to go to school next day as normal.
If he doesn’t do those things then if there’s a next time he won’t be allowed to go.

I imagine as his girlfriend bought the tickets, he doesn’t want to lose face by saying he’s not allowed to go. I can see his dilemma there, especially if he’s trying to impress her.

I think given the massive social restrictions kids have had to endure the last 2 years, especially teenagers, I’d cut him some slack.
It’s a concert. There’s 2 of them going together, so not like he’s on his own and if he’s otherwise fairly sensible I’m sure they’ll be fine.

Also think about this. If he goes anyway without your permission, if something was to happen, say a missed train or something, he’d be really reluctant to call you for help. He’d probably rather be stranded in London because he’ll know you’ll be livid. Imagine him just not getting home and you worrying like crazy.

At least this way if thy got into any kind of trouble he’d be comfortable to call you for help, and I for one would rather my DS did that than think he couldn’t ask for my help when really needed.

I get you don’t want to look like you’re backing down. So maybe say you’ve thought about it and actually if he can show you he’s responsible and sensible you’ll let him go.
I think if nothing else he’ll have more respect for your relationship, and maybe see you as reasonable and not his killjoy, bent on ruining his life Well hopefully anyway! Who knows.

Tabbacus · 11/12/2021 07:29

@worriedmum20000

Girlfriend bought these tickets but he has a PT job so has money for tickets etc. The job seemed great when he just wanted to buy himself gadgets and sweets but now it seems to be funding his social life I'm less enthused.

He's 15 though isn't he, it doesn't sound overly young to be socialising more and in a relationship. What's the real issue here?

Tabbacus · 11/12/2021 07:30

I'd also rather a teen feel they can be honest about what they're up to and where they are going rather than sneaking around and being dishonest as they're always told no.

SivvyPlath · 11/12/2021 07:32

The job seemed great when he just wanted to buy himself gadgets and sweets but now it seems to be funding his social life I'm less enthused

Eh?? Why?

PieMistee · 11/12/2021 07:39

I would write this off and let him go and then make a conscertive to spend some time with him doing something fun. I have a 15 and 16 year old and realise we spend little time together one on one. Last week I took the 15 year old out for some cheap food and then watched a film together, he has been much more communicative since.

Bookworm20 · 11/12/2021 10:11

Also op, I’m probably a bit more relaxed with ds15 as been through this with my older one. And it all worked out fine.
But last summer dd16 wanted to go into London with her BF, also 16 to an evening concert and I was worried as anything because neither had much experience with the tube system. Or concerts, or Big cities for that matter (we’re rural)
I let her go, but asked her to text me when there etc etc and also put find a friend on her phone, which she was happy to do. Just so I was reassured I could check when she got there ok and back at station etc.
it was fine. They had a great time, were sensible and honestly it totally reassured me that I was ok to ‘let go’.
So I understand your anxiety about them being safe. But sometimes, especially if they are generally good kids, it’s right to let them do these things. With technology now they can always be in touch if anything goes wrong.

JustDanceAddict · 14/12/2021 11:08

I don’t see a major issue with him going. My ds started going to gigs at just 16 across London with friends, meeting different fans she’d ‘met’ online.
Put boundaries in place - straight home after, no hanging around, be up for school normal time next day as if there’s mucking about then there won’t be a ‘next time’. Maybe you can pick him up from the station (we always did this - well dh did!).
Much better to trust him and his gf than forbid something that’s normal for that age. So he’s a bit tired the next day, but an early night will see him right the following day.

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