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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please tell me positives about teens

56 replies

MerryMarigold · 29/11/2021 09:18

I've always wanted children. I was a very very happy SAHM when they were little. I've gone back to work past couple of years (with small children) and I love that. But my teens just drain the life out of me. They deliberately hurt me and say hurtful things to me, they don't listen, they are ungrateful for just about everything I do, they argue with every request I make, they don't help without a big argument. I have health issues which they bring up as me being lazy (I have chronic fatigue syndrome so I sleep after work and a lot at the weekend). They used to bring me so much joy but now I feel so drained and it's making me quite depressed. To be honest it's just the boys. DD doesn't do this, but she spends a lot of time at friends and never invites them here because our house isn't 'modern' or immaculately tidy (been in friends' houses and they are beautiful like it of magazine) so that is hurtful in a different way.

Please cheer me up with some good sides of teenagers because right now I just want to move out, go on holiday alone and leave them to it.

OP posts:
K7111 · 29/11/2021 12:45

I feel your pain having 2 teens aged 16 & 19. Struggle myself but mostly with my 16year old son. Coming in late, pushing boundaries like no end and he was the sweetest boy. Unfortunately we have to ride it but shouldn't have to feel like that. Hang in there as I am sure like me you're a good mum that only wants the best for them. We don't all live in fancy homes, fact. Please be kind to yourself, take a deep breath and try to support them anyway you can. Hopefully they will come out the other end and make you proud ❤️

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/11/2021 12:49

Thank you K7. I have a 16yo and 13yo twins. To be honest, the 16yo has only got bad since about 15 and with GCSE year it just seems to be making him so stressed and rude. With the 13yos, it feels like a very, very long haul to the 'other side'. I'm not sure I'll make it ☹️.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/11/2021 12:52

It does get better, 17-19 has been challenging, really coming out the other side now and he's a joy. I think remembering that the teen years are really hard for them too helps.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/11/2021 12:54

Thanks. That is true. Any recommendations for books or podcasts?

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Lacesaskew · 29/11/2021 13:03

I hear you about the "fancy home" factor. I refused to pander to it and got called "cruel" despite me and dh having prioritised our dc emotionally , educationally, financially above everything else. I am worn out frankly. And when I tell them to pick up shoes and wet towels off the floor I am displaying "narcissistic behaviour" apparently. (Where is all of this rhetoric coming from?Confused)

Anyway op, I just came on to tell you that [[
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3711135-Thread-three-holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-PoTs-where-parenting-a-teen-is-adversely-affecting-your-mental-health]] these threads helped me in the past.

And don't stress about them.being deliberately hurtful.about your CFS. Believe me, if they weren't getting on at you about that, it would be something else. They don't have the capacity to understand the hurt they are causing at that age, not until their frontal contexts have fully formed at 24/25 years anyway.

Here, have some Gin

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/11/2021 13:05

What has helped me more than anything is much as you want to lay into them when they are rude ,just walk away and ignore after saying very calmly " You know better than that.' They DO know better, they know they're being arses. Ds will usually apologise later on when he's simmered down. Big hugs ,start again....and breathe.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/11/2021 13:07

Thanks. This is all so comforting.

Unfortunately the friends all seem to come from lovely families.... with lovely homes! (And interestingly, a lack of boys!!).

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Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/11/2021 13:08

Great advice Mrs Pellegrino. I will try to burn it into my brain.

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AppleFairy · 29/11/2021 13:09

I can relate to everything you’ve said, OP. I miss the years of them being so small and sweet.

AppleFairy · 29/11/2021 13:12

@MerryMarigold

Thanks. This is all so comforting.

Unfortunately the friends all seem to come from lovely families.... with lovely homes! (And interestingly, a lack of boys!!).

I’m sure that ‘lovely friend from lovely home’ is how your DCs are described by their friends’ parents Grin

Girls are just as trying, believe me….

Sparklingbrook · 29/11/2021 13:13

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

What has helped me more than anything is much as you want to lay into them when they are rude ,just walk away and ignore after saying very calmly " You know better than that.' They DO know better, they know they're being arses. Ds will usually apologise later on when he's simmered down. Big hugs ,start again....and breathe.
Very much this. Not always engaging and picking your battles carefully. Mine are now 21 and 19 and we’re getting out the other side now.
PositiveLife · 29/11/2021 13:14

Snap. Mine are generally rude to me, tell me that all their friends have better stuff, that I'm lazy if I ask them to do anything (apparently I should be their slave cos I chose to have them). They are especially bad at period time.
But....on the other hand they do know when they've proper overstepped and will apologise and help out. Underneath the cocky bravado know-it-all attitude they are good kids and most of it I think comes down to worrying about how they're seen by others.

Sparklingbrook · 29/11/2021 13:16

There was a book called ‘Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town’ which I found quite comforting. Like a guide to teen behaviour.

VeganVampire · 29/11/2021 13:16

They can reach

VeganVampire · 29/11/2021 13:16

They can reach things on high shelves.

loobylou44 · 29/11/2021 13:19

I could have written this. I have 15 and 17 year old daughters and I just don't enjoy being a mum at the moment. I feel like a slave, unloved and like an annoyance. I'm hoping it gets easier as just lately I don't want to be in this house anymore.

Echobelly · 29/11/2021 13:22

I think teenage years is the first time one really can talk and joke with them as equals and they can be great fun. They can do stuff on their own and you can leave them to it during the holidays rather than having to plan every minute for them. You can send them to the shops to buy stuff (hopefully!).

But it can be hard - even if you try not to take it personally.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/11/2021 13:46

I’m sure that ‘lovely friend from lovely home’ is how your DCs are described by their friends’ parents

They wouldn't know. They've never seen the inside of our house as it's 'too embarrassing' and 'not modern'! That's the girl. But at least she isn't rude, argumentative and putting me down. I'd take a bad attitude towards our home over a bad attitude towards me any day of the week.

Loobyloo I go on rightmove looking at 1 or 2 bedroom places I could move to. I'll have one teen at a time come and visit me. They are quite nice 1:1 and in small doses!

Vegan, that is true. Ds1 can do that as he's taller than me and he does generally help by bringing the shopping from the car so he can be first to nose at any treats I've bought.

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Comedycook · 29/11/2021 13:48

I hear you op. My teenage ds is making our house miserable right now with his rudeness and bad attitude. I'm struggling to find anything positive about this stage

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/11/2021 13:51

and you can leave them to it during the holidays rather than having to plan every minute for them.

The planning has got more intense because if I left ds1 to it he would do no work ever and sit on FIFA forever. He has mocks after Christmas and what with Covid and SEND, he's not on track for what he wants to get/ is capable of getting.

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Tittyfilarious81 · 29/11/2021 13:56

Teens can be very challenging op mine is incredibly arrogant at times and I honestly want to screech at him but I've learned that if I'm calm and don't go mental at him and walk off it's over quicker . I also pick my battles very carefully with him . Positive notes is he can entertain himself without my input , he is capable of looking after himself .

SammyScrounge · 29/11/2021 14:28

One of the nicest things about teaching is parents' night and seeing the relief on parents' faces when their demon teen gets an excellent report confirmed (they don't quite believe it) and then a very good face to face report on his/her character. It is amazing how often that is true. The demon keeps the surliness and sulking and rudeness for home. In school, s/he is a very promising young person.
So be comforted, Dear Parents, it's all going to come right soon.

worriedmum20000 · 30/11/2021 10:10

Just written a post about how I'm struggling to parent my DS 15 and seen this so coming on as a show of solidarity. It's so bloody hard isn't it Sad sometimes I just want to give him a big hug when he's being angry (he won't let me I have tried before) other times I want to kill him but mainly I just feel a huge sense of sadness about who he's become. Just praying to God it doesn't last for too much longer and that my 13 year old doesn't go down the same path - he's learnt to keep out of the way of his older brother but will come & find me when I'm upset and give me a hug.

worriedmum20000 · 30/11/2021 10:11

@SammyScrounge

One of the nicest things about teaching is parents' night and seeing the relief on parents' faces when their demon teen gets an excellent report confirmed (they don't quite believe it) and then a very good face to face report on his/her character. It is amazing how often that is true. The demon keeps the surliness and sulking and rudeness for home. In school, s/he is a very promising young person. So be comforted, Dear Parents, it's all going to come right soon.
Ah if only that were true Sad parents evening two weeks ago frankly I was embarrassed as 9 out of 10 teachers told me that unless he pulled his finger out fast, he's going to be failing his GCSE's
Strawberryjampot · 30/11/2021 10:18

I’m struggling with mine. She doesn’t shout or scream, she isn’t rude at all. It’s just like she simply doesn’t care about us either way. If she produced some sort of emotional response I think I’d find it less hard. This feels like she’s just calmly detached because we’re not really relevant to her any more. In a couple of years she’ll be away and it feels like we’ll see her once a year at Christmas. Wasn’t quite ready for this yet and I feel sad.