Please tell me positives about teens

[MerryMarigold]

I've always wanted children. I was a very very happy SAHM when they were little. I've gone back to work past couple of years (with small children) and I love that. But my teens just drain the life out of me. They deliberately hurt me and say hurtful things to me, they don't listen, they are ungrateful for just about everything I do, they argue with every request I make, they don't help without a big argument. I have health issues which they bring up as me being lazy (I have chronic fatigue syndrome so I sleep after work and a lot at the weekend). They used to bring me so much joy but now I feel so drained and it's making me quite depressed. To be honest it's just the boys. DD doesn't do this, but she spends a lot of time at friends and never invites them here because our house isn't 'modern' or immaculately tidy (been in friends' houses and they are beautiful like it of magazine) so that is hurtful in a different way.

Please cheer me up with some good sides of teenagers because right now I just want to move out, go on holiday alone and leave them to it.

My teens argue and can be rude and surly but I absolutely love having teenagers. It’s my favourite age so far which surprises me. They drive me to insanity but they are brilliant fun.

@MerryMarigold

Thanks. This is all so comforting.

Unfortunately the friends all seem to come from lovely families.... with lovely homes! (And interestingly, a lack of boys!!).

I promise you things are not always so rosy. Yes you always get a few 'perfect' teens whose parents still think changing the wifi password is the ultimate in teen discipline and whose kids would 'never dream of speaking to me like that'. but the reality for many is very different. My DD's were at good schools, we come from a typical middle class area, nice house as do most of their friends. Many of their friends have suffered from eating disorders, self harm, anxiety, depression. The teen years were hell. We've had our fair share, but nothing in comparison to some people. I was talking to my best friend the other day and she had no idea DD had had bulimia because I didn't want to tell her, partly because I was embarrassed but mainly because her DS had dealt with so much worse I didn't want to minimise what he'd gone through. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, even more so during teen years.

The best bit about teen years is they grow out of it.

@Jensonfromtheblock

My teens argue and can be rude and surly but I absolutely love having teenagers. It’s my favourite age so far which surprises me. They drive me to insanity but they are brilliant fun.

Please share what you love. We need it. (Or will just feel insanely jealous, but maybe we can relate to some of it). If you ask me what I love about 2-4 year olds I can wax lyrical. It was hard hard work but so rewarding. Now it's just hard work emotionally, I feel.

Lunaballoon, that's true... Sorry you have been through so much. My 16yo boy is very anxious and controls food to some extent when stressed (a very long list of what he won't eat) and has very low appetite, but so far it's not got worse.

I think it’s a time not to lock horns - where walking away and picking your battles (very few!) pays off quicker.

That was my mistake - instead of being calm and helping my oldest de escalate his irrational hormone driven anger I reacted badly to it and got stuck into conflict. If I had my time again I would withdraw and detach more and let them work stuff out for themselves. I would be more compassionate that they were a bundle of histrionic hormones (temporarily) like permanent PMT and menopause and then shift gears (ie mostly swerve) and make adjustments to family life to accommodate….but encouraging and reminding that kindness and respect are basic behaviours (I wasn’t always that when at the end of my tether!).

Good things - it didn’t last that long - maybe 2 years. I loved their friends - still do and have a laugh with them. Dilute as much of nuclear family life and meals, holidays etc with friends / family / visitors as you can - they behave much better - takes the sting right out.

We also got a puppy and it was wonderful to see these brooding black hearted teens (to me at least) melt with love.

They came through it and are all great now. Think that whatever you do prioritise their emotional well-being above all else - MH issues can set you back years. Exams, jobs, tidy bedrooms can be rectified much more quickly.

Start emotionally detaching in your head.

I was unhappy SAHM when D-kids were little. Teens are much better creatures in my life (& I belong in a job).

Some great things about teens compared to little ones:

• You can leave them & go out at moment's notice
• They help move furniture
• They have plans, aspirations, energy
• They still need frequent feeding, but they don't need car seats, high chairs, reins, stairgates, nappies...
• You can send them to the shops to buy you stuff
• They teach me stuff, like how to buy cheap tickets, the best app to use in London for bus timetable, how to make puff pastry
• They buy me bottles of rum
• I can share clothes & shoes with them (I inherit all the Leavers' Hoodies)
• Cracking sense of humour

I have 13 yo and 17 yo and life is more fun than when they were small. I do miss the younger years but life is definitely easier.

You are not alone Mine are 19,17 and nearly 13.

The positives are, you can have a proper conversation, they can be really funny.
You don’t have to watch them all the time/need babysitters
They aee closer to leaving home

I like chatting with my stepdaughter (15) about current events, history, politics, the content of the TV she watches, stories about her pals. The quality of the conversation has improved massively over just one year. It's nice to hear what she thinks.

As her confidence with different tasks grows, so does her creativity. She'll make herself whatever small meal she fancies, while my 8 year old DD still waits for me to make her breakfast and get her a cup of water. 🙄

She's developed special bonds with each of her younger sisters (other FF is 4). She gives pep talks to the 8 year old about dance exams, and is the only one my 4 year old will allow to trim her nails.

So far, we've been lucky, in the sense that when she does clash with me and DH, she responds to natural consequences. And she's not lying (afaik) or sneaking out (afaics) to be self-destructive and rebel.

The downside to this is she has a lot of confidence and anxiety issues. She needs a lot of hand-holding with things like applying for a job, speaking up for herself, studying, college applications. She has pals at school, but no close friends, and none of them have ever come to our house, where she lives every day. She has panic symptoms at school, but won't contemplate speaking with a counsellor, even though DH and I have both gently brought that option up. We still worry. 😕

@ESGdance, very wise words thank you. And yes, I totally buy the MH priority. Harder to persuade DH though.

FF should say DD 🤦🏻‍♀️ I wish MN had an edit button...

[quote MerryMarigold]@ESGdance, very wise words thank you. And yes, I totally buy the MH priority. Harder to persuade DH though.[/quote]
That was going to be my first Q from reading your OP….where is their other parent in this and how do they approach parenting and being a spouse. I was concerned that your OH was either disrespectful of you or not standing up for you when the DCs were rude to you - or coming down hard with the authoritarian approach which is counterproductive with teens. It’s best if you can agree a united and supportive approach but it’s very hard as the emotions of parenting teens (and toddlers) trigger us subconsciously around our own original up bringing and we often subconsciously want to do the opposite or inadvertently replicate if it was problematic. If both of you are compelled to react emotionally in different ways that can be a very unproductive and challenging place for everyone.

They will surprise you by morphing into delightful adults, as ours did.

DS1 went through a long phase of being rude and indifferent to me. Then one day during the holidays, out of the blue, he said, 'Put your favourite dress on. I want to take you out to tea.' And he did. We went into London for tea and cake at The Wolseley and he paid for it.

DS2 did similar one day. We'd been for a family day out and as we were going to get the train, he said, 'I'm staying in town to take mum out to dinner,' then took me to a lovely cafe he'd found online and paid for it himself. I also came back from a very difficult trip to see my sick, elderly parents to discover he had tidied my home office which had been a tip and was now immaculate. And on more than one occasion he has got the vacuum cleaner out without being asked and done the stairs and landing.

They swing from impossible to adorable at the flick of a switch when they are teens.

Also one day when we were out in London, I realised DS2 was lagging behind so waited for him. Turned out he'd stopped to chat to a Big Issue seller and spent his pocket money on the paper. The seller said very few people actually stopped to chat to him properly and it was rare for anyone young to do that. I felt very proud of him.

Positives about teens... hmmm... let me think...

If I can't be stuffed cooking dinner, they can cook their own.

They can get themselves places, sometimes.

That's all I've got! I feel your pain OP.

I can relate so much to this too. Mine has been a roller coaster of nightmare - normalish, all whilst looking like the perfect teen to the outside world since 16-19. Vicious tongue & nothing is good enough & cuts me out of everything important, belittles everything I do, whilst playing her DF off against me.

Tonight she complimented me, she also took the bin out without anyone asking she normally does nothing

It's very unnerving

Positives

Erm... she works very hard at school/college, is a kind thoughtful friend & girlfriend, & is fierce in a way to be proud of... I just wish she'd hurry up & stop practicing her ball breaking skills on me 🤪

@ESG, yes it's hard with DH. We've not agreed on parenting since tiny. He sees no issues in his very authoritarian, controlling, belittling Asian unbringing. He is beginning to listen more as I have asked friends to speak to him, and I've requested that I deal with the kids especially ds1, but it leaves me vulnerable to most stuff from them. He's also said I'm entirely responsible for ds1's GCSE grades.

Seriously - can you book a break away? You said it half jokingly but do it! You will feel recharged and they might miss you.

Positives - they surprise you with new interests, talents and ideas.

They dance around the house and are funny. They bring energy to us oldies.

It’s fun taking them to new cool places and seeing the world fresh through their eyes.

You can eat out and they don’t need iPads, colouring pencils and all that shit

They are in school plays, matches, concerts etc which can actually be really good.

Thank you! Hmmm I break up 2 days before them at Christmas. Maybe I should go away.

A united parental front would massively help. The loveliest of children can spot a gap between parents and exploit it.

I don’t get your DH’s comment about GCSE grades?

Comment on grades was because I said he needed to lay off constantly going on at ds1 about revision, work, exams etc., Nagging to work constantly and putting fear into him. It was at a point where he literally said nothing else to him and Dsc was getting stressed. He has anxiety, he has some SEND and gets 25% extra time and he gets demotivated (but he can also be lazy/ addicted to phone so difficult to gauge it). I just said leave him to me so I am on him a bit but not as constantly. So dh basically saying the exam grades are up to me! 🤷‍♀️ This is very much how he views everything, parental control = children's 'success' (very limited view of what that is).

They grow up

We've never been able to agree and it's definitely not done the myths any favours. I feel like I'm really reaping it now! In other ways he is very supportive like he coaches a football team just so DS2 can play football on the day he needs to and he often takes ds1 and lets him be assistant coach. And he was probably right on boundaries when they were younger, v we disagreed on how they should be enforced so I think I threw the baby out with the bathwater on that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.