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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenager attacked a man

100 replies

teenagersandtoddlers · 21/11/2021 06:41

I need help and advice. My teenager was last night brought home by the police. He had been cautioned for attacking a man - punching him in the head.
Apparently they rang his door bell and he came out chasing them and then took his friends bike. He wheeled it back to his house and they tried to get the bike back from him and he was threatening them. I don't know what happened but my teenager then started punching him. It's all on his ring doorbell Cctv. He said he was trying to protect his friend.
I am so ashamed. He is normally the most empathic, quiet and kind boy.
I have spoken to him about how serious this is, he could have killed him or he could have been killed.
I don't know what to do or how to handle this.

OP posts:

claymodels · 21/11/2021 10:04

He is 13 - was he with friends? School friends or whatever that you know of or is he being dragged into a gang?

1940s · 21/11/2021 10:18

@GiantHaystacks2021

No wonder there's so much crime. Thugs get away with it. He should be arrested and sentenced.

This all day. Knocking on his door and ending up punching the man. The man could have been petrified for himself and any family inside. He deserves to be arrested and if he so so ashamed of him

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 21/11/2021 10:49

He would NOT be leaving the house again without me until he is 16 except for school. And I might even take him there. Clearly he is too immature to be trusted and quite frankly he got off far too lightly.

He deserves an official caution and imo ought to be in court for assault. Heck he's lucky not to be a lot worse off. If I was attacked by some 13 year old thug who'd been harassing me, I'd defend myself and I'd not be taking chances on him getting back up.

You need to deal with this harshly. He is above the age of criminal responsibility and next time could be a criminal record. Which you seem more concerned about than the fact that he was harassing this man in his own home and assaulted him. This is not a No-xbox transgression. This is a ton-of-bricks situation. Your son is a thug and needs to be separated from this group of friends before he ends up in more serious trouble. I'd be bloody ashamed of him and he needs to realise that this is how people will see him now, if he continues down this path.

ldontWanna · 21/11/2021 10:56

The people going "ton of bricks" are being ridiculous.

Op took his phone and entertainment away, he is grounded, she let his school and head of year know, she gave him "the speech" . What else could she reasonably do to not be seen as lenient?

He fucked up. He broke the law. He assaulted a man. The police is dealing with it(rightly or wrongly) , his mum is dealing with it. She's angry and disappointed and worried. She probably needs some support to navigate the complete mindfuck and shock that this is.

TheWeeDonkey · 21/11/2021 11:28

I think people are being supportive @Idontwanna but at the same time recognise that this is a serious crossing the line from childish japes to something much darker and the behaviour needs to be addressed. I think OP has done the right thing in seeing the gravity of this. Sometimes doing the right thing for your child means being hard on them unfortunately.

Colin56 · 21/11/2021 12:10

At 13, involved in something like this is very problematic. Im not sure my 13 year old would be allowed such freedom with friends especially unchecked. Freedom to hang out is earned by trust not automatic. Bigger problems down the line if this is his behaviour at 13 with random strangers. What about the victim here- his quality of life, the harrasment, stress of being punched. The kid sounds like a thug.

Tillymintpolo · 21/11/2021 12:23

Going ‘ton of bricks’ is not ridiculous, if it stops him going down a route that leads to serious assault or worse, then it is absolutely the right thing to do.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/11/2021 12:31

Acting the hard man infront of his mates. I’d be ending the friendships for him.

trumpisagit · 21/11/2021 12:38

You sound like you have done all the right things OP.
Can you also talk to him about why they were doing this?
I would find some useful activities to occupy his time.
D of E?
Scouts?
Sport?

KatherineJaneway · 21/11/2021 12:39

The people going "ton of bricks" are being ridiculous.

Not at all. OP's son was harassing a man and then assaulted him.

Op took his phone and entertainment away, he is grounded, she let his school and head of year know, she gave him "the speech" . What else could she reasonably do to not be seen as lenient?

Come down on him like a ton of bricks. OP said her son was 'Basically up to no good', she needs to see her DS harassed a man and then assaulted him. The dire consequences that could have occurred for the man he assaulted and for her son needs to be clearly spelt out.

Hence people saying come down like ton of bricks. Separate him from these so called 'friends', find out if he feels any remorse at all, find out what actually happened for that matter.

OP must be going through an awful time but minimising what her son did doesn't help anyone. Admission of the scale of the issue is the first step in trying to sort it.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/11/2021 12:42

would find some useful activities to occupy his time.
D of E?
Scouts?
Sport?

Absolutely this. He needs better friends. I would also speak to school about who he is friends with there and if they can steer him away from bad influences and towards some better ones.

SandraOhh · 21/11/2021 19:39

Sociopath in the making.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/11/2021 19:58

@SandraOhh

Sociopath in the making.

MN just isn’t what it used to be.

Mantlemoose · 21/11/2021 20:12

@SandraOhh

Sociopath in the making.

I agree but few will. This was targeted harassment even before the violence.

IHateCoronavirus · 21/11/2021 20:14

100% sign him up to everything going. Keep him busy in things that will be burning off energy and exposing him to good role models.

Only you know what the situation with the friends’ families, but I’d want my DC away from them in school too. If school weren’t able to facilitate this I’d move him.

ancientgran · 21/11/2021 20:15

Hopefully it has given him a scare so that could be why he is quiet. I used to work in a police station, you'd see some teenager who'd been up to no good and crying for his mum when he was put in a cell. They aren't as tough as they think they are.

I think it would probably be good to ground him for a while and then maybe set an early curfew and see how it goes.

Try not to panic. Kids do daft things.

ancientgran · 21/11/2021 20:24

OP if it is any comfort I used to arrange for kids like your son to come into the police station for a telling off on a Sunday afternoon. It was seen as a quiet time and an Inspector would give them a good telling off. I guess your son has had a similar telling of?

Very few of the kids actually got into trouble again, at least not while still juveniles.

If you think he hasn't taken this seriously I'd contact your local station and see if you have a beat officer or PCSO for your area. They will sometimes arrange to come out and have a chat, explain the slippery slope and hopefully make him realise it is serious.

Good luck.

FlickyCrumble · 21/11/2021 20:24

My adult sibling has special needs. He can’t read write or work. He manages to live alone. He was targeted by kids harassing him. He can’t control his feelings and is likely to cry as to punch. There is a special needs adult living near me I often give him a lift to supermarket as he has to walk 3 miles round trip 2/3 times a week as groceries are heavy and he can’t afford deliveries. He tells me of the harassment he gets on the street from young teenagers and feels safe when he’s speaking and walking with me. My heart breaks. I pray that the man being harassed isn’t a man with special needs.

I know as a mum you are mortified and dealing with it and for that I commend you. My last hope is that your son at some point realises the wrong he has done. There’s not much hope if not.

rwalker · 21/11/2021 20:31

It's disappointing that you can harass and punch someone and just get told off.
Realistically the 2 year think means nothing

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 21/11/2021 20:40

Pity the man didn't give him a good beating in return. No wonder teens are doing this if all they get is a slap on the wrist.

I do however, have empathy for you OP and I'm sorry you're going through this. I have no suggestions on how to deal with it as I don't have teens. I do know though that whatever punishment I thought up, it would be harsh.

ancientgran · 21/11/2021 20:43

So kids knock on door, the man steals the bike, then man is attacked and now we want to add man beating up child. Fortunately the escalation stopped and the police dealt with it, much the safer thing for the man to do.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2021 20:50

teenagersandtoddlers

They were ringing the doorbell and running off. Basically up to no good“

This and the resulting assault are not the behaviours of “empathetic, quiet, kind” people.

Apologies but have to say it, you probably don’t know your son as well as you think you do. Other than explaining the potential consequences of his actions to him, have you tried to get to the bottom of why?

Do you know the ‘friend’ in question? Such apparently out of character, aggressive behaviour seems really extreme over something like a bike. Again, apologies, probably over-thinking but I’m wondering what the bike is used for, that immediately getting it back would be so important that a hitherto regular teenager (young one at that) would attack an adult to retrieve it?

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, can imagine how I would feel.

The activities don’t tally with your description of your son.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2021 20:53

claymodels

He is 13 - was he with friends? School friends or whatever that you know of or is he being dragged into a gang?“

I politely tip-toed around for fear of offence, but yes, this ^.

It was my first thought.

BoredZelda · 21/11/2021 23:10

My child would be grounded for the rest of the school year, never be allowed out with those friends again, and would be sent off to volunteer to give something back to the community.

Etinoxaurus · 21/11/2021 23:15

@ThirdElephant

I don't think he should be going out unsupervised for quite a while, OP.

Absolutely. 13 is young for him to be out up to know good. At that age he should be with known friends for whom you have their or their parents contact detail ‘doing things’, not roaming the streets. Ground him on punishment then reintroduce a strict drop off and collect policy for events until he’s shown himself to be trustworthy

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