Teenager attacked a man

[teenagersandtoddlers]

I need help and advice. My teenager was last night brought home by the police. He had been cautioned for attacking a man - punching him in the head.
Apparently they rang his door bell and he came out chasing them and then took his friends bike. He wheeled it back to his house and they tried to get the bike back from him and he was threatening them. I don't know what happened but my teenager then started punching him. It's all on his ring doorbell Cctv. He said he was trying to protect his friend.
I am so ashamed. He is normally the most empathic, quiet and kind boy.
I have spoken to him about how serious this is, he could have killed him or he could have been killed.
I don't know what to do or how to handle this.

So they have done this often? Harassed this man and he is what, refusing to te you why he thinks he has the right to terrorise someone in their own home?

Is he just refusing to answer?

@Dizzy1234 why can't you believe the police aren't prosecuting a 13 year old with (presumably) no previous criminal history? How would the cost of a trial and a criminal conviction so young in life actually benefit society and "reform" the son? Taking responsibility by way of a formal apology is surely more beneficial here. The victim also has to agree to this so it's not like the matter has been taken out of his hands.

Furthermore, the police have been told off by the government and HMIC for prosecuting too many under 18s and are now encouraged to find other non-formal ways of dealing with things. Make of that what you will.

There have been several awful cases of teens killling the home owner in this scenario (Gary Newlove) he may have been terrified

Furthermore, the police have been told off by the government and HMIC for prosecuting too many under 18s
Really? Their hands really are tied aren't they the police, when it's seen as a bad thing they are prosecuting crime!

People on here just love to put the knife in as if it's the OP's fault.

Your son made a serious error of judgement and committed an offence for which he has been punished not only by the police but by his mum. And yet despite all that, someone suggested he should be "sentenced". A 13 year old boy! If everyone who punched someone got sent to prison, we'd have to build hundreds of new prisons.

I'm sorry OP. It sounds like you have come down hard on your son and have done the right thing.

Look, there's no point kicking the op.

But this was not an error in judgement. Its gone on for a while. They harassed the man, again.

Then beat him. That's not just poor judgement.

@MichelleScarn

Furthermore, the police have been told off by the government and HMIC for prosecuting too many under 18s Really? Their hands really are tied aren't they the police, when it's seen as a bad thing they are prosecuting crime!

@MichelleScarn damned if you do, damned if you don't... Welcome to policing 😬

@THisbackwithavengeance seriously? An error of judgement? Would you be saying that if it were your husband or father beaten by hooligans?

There are stories of men beaten to death by teens in these sorts of situations. It's disgusting. I'm not sticking the boot in op but this isn't some daft act of teenage silliness like egging windows or something. It's serious and if it were my son I would be heartbroken.

The police won't do much they are over stretched as it is but I wouldn't be letting this one go. Imagine being that person enjoying a quiet night at home with your family then getting harassed and beaten up by a bunch of yobs, it's indefensible.

Please ground your son OP. Some victim remorse training (I can't remember what it's called) would be useful here- the police will know about it.

Ds is young enough to be moulded. He needs a strong & consistent lesson about how utterly unacceptable his behaviour has been. Counselling weekly & only going out with responsible adults for the foreseeable.

I would be tempted to write a sincere letter of apology to the victim, assuring him of how seriously you're taking this & that you're acting accordingly as his parent. It may provide some comfort to the poor bloke.

OP

There are various 'remedies' the police can use, some show on DBS checks, some for 2 years, some always.

Under the old rules a caution never became spent, but this was (IMO rightfully challenged as teenagers' often accepted them thinking it wasn't a conviction)

www.cambs.police.uk/information-and-services/Cautions-warnings-penalties

You and he need to know exactly what the order is, there must be paperwork because you both need to know if he has a criminal conviction, and if he doesn't then you need to know what to do to keep him free of a conviction.

Do not go anywhere near the man's house unless this is part of your son's caution/order/ what ever and even then I would expect a police presence.

You have taken his phone, look through it, you may well find film of wither this incident or others.

Do you know the parents of the boy he was with?

I think the police response was right here actually. Just to be hoped that along with his parents punishment is enough to jolt him out of it. I would also want some type of counselling or psychiatric support too. Must be devastating for the parents if my child consciously hurt someone repeatedly I would be well devastated is the only word that fits.

The teenagers who do shit like this in our village are all empathic, quiet, kind boys according to their parents. It's never their fault, must have been provoked etc. When they're out in a group they are awful and really intimidating. Sure it's all just a laugh for them though.

Perhaps you could take him to meet the man and apologise in person?

I would ask the police if I could get the ring footage and sit and watch it with my son (make him squirm). I would be contacting his friends parents and making sure they are all aware what their children have been getting upto. I would also write a letter to the man myself as well as my son apologising and explaining what I was personally doing to stop what has been happening to him.
My son would be doing some sort of voluntary work with vulnerable people to try gain him some sort of empathy.
I am not naive to what teens get upto- I accept a certain amount of messing round, like having a drink with friends, smoking etc. To me that is all normal teenage behaviour.
But something like this I would come down on so hard. Good luck, I am sure your son is a nice lad who has taken a wrong turn but it does need sorting.

@wiltshire90
Thanks for the explanation.
Luckily I have never had to experience being targeted by a group of teenagers so my default stance is that hoping the police would prosecute someone who assaulted another person.
The op stated that her DC thinks its some sort of joke, I hope for his sake that writing an apology is enough for him to realise the seriousness of what he's done, it feels a bit of a cop out, he writes an apology that he probably doesn't mean and it all goes away.
I hope for the OP's sake this is enough to make him think twice before he does anything like this again, hopefully he won't ever get into trouble again.

@AuntieDolly

Perhaps you could take him to meet the man and apologise in person?

I don't think many people would want someone who had been harassing them at home and then assaulted them turning up at their front door. If I was assaulted, I'd never want to have to come across them again.

Might get flamed for this, but I’ve done voluntary youth work in a fairly rough inner city for over 20 years. You need to find a way to seriously punish the behaviour without pushing him away.

If his behaviour is at a point where incidents like this are happening Then the chances are he and his friend have been involved in antisocial behaviour for a while.

My approach, if this was my DC, would ils be to come down on it like an absolute ton of bricks, whilst keeping him close.

You need to speak to the friends parents to get an idea of how they handling it to know whether they’re going to take it seriously or not. If not, that has to be the end of the friendship.

If possible can you also speak to the police officer again to understand if this is a one off incident or if your son is been involved in trouble previously or is known to them?

Your son needs a very clear message you know what he has been up to and he can’t hide it any more. If he’s in over his ahead he might be relieved, if he’s a ring leader he will be more angry at being caught out.

Either way he needs to know that his stupidity could have ruined his life, if the police had pursued it he could have limited his education options and career choices, if the man had been seriously injured he could have been locked up. How would he feel if he had to go to court and it was in the local papers, his mates might think it’s hilarious, but his grandparents, mates friends and teachers all knowing? Not to mention that he could have injured or killed the guy, and for what? He could have left kids without a father, how would he feel if someone attacked you?

Immediate consequences would be no phone no Xbox no money no going out the house without a parent for a decent period.

I’d also make it clear that Christmas presents are contingent on his behaviour between now and then.

I would make his only opportunity to get out of the house some structured organised activities. Martial arts, army cadets or sea cadets, boxing. Something that will give him a physical outlet whilst at the same time instilling self-discipline.

If he complies then he can earn back some freedoms and trust, but he has to work hard over a period to earn it back.

At the same time organise some 1:1 time with you, some activities like Go-ape, climbing, BMX track racing, some volunteering you can do together, a city break somewhere he is interested in, surfing lessons. Things that are a real treat, that he needs you to do with him, and will make him feel close to you and give him a sense of achievement. Don’t mention the behaviour or the incident during this time unless he opens up.

He needs to see that there are clear and uncomfortable consequences to his actions, but at the same time you love him, want to spend time with him and haven’t written him off as a ‘bad kid’

I agree with that I would not want to see him at all

Plus the boy has been told to stay away from that part of town

@AuntieDolly

Perhaps you could take him to meet the man and apologise in person?

I think that would be a terrible idea, just leave the poor man alone.

Great post

@AuntieDolly

Perhaps you could take him to meet the man and apologise in person?

Please don’t do this.

If you did this to me I’d phone the police when you turned up. This is a seriously bad idea

@teenagersandtoddlers

He's 13. Nearly 14. The police gave him a warning and he has to write an apology to the victim and stay away from that part of town.

He’s extremely lucky. He should have been arrested for doing that and he’s clearly not the kind and empathetic boy you think he is. So many innocent (largely men) die from being punched in the head once by some thug. I’m sure he wouldn’t think it was funny to be facing a manslaughter charge. If this is what he’s doing at 13 it doesn’t bode well for his future teenage years. I’m not surprised you’re ashamed. I’m sorry he’s putting you through this.

@teenagersandtoddlers

They were ringing the doorbell and running off. Basically up to no good

And then punching a man in the head and attacking him. Hardly just 'up to no good'. That's a bit more than just messing on playing knock and run. If this was my son he would be facing all the consequences of his actions both with the police and with us, his parents. Making a full apology to the person he attacked and he wouldn't be going out with his mates again now for a very long time.

Why is your 13 year. old out at night? It doesn't sound as if that's a good idea - he's clearly got nowhere to go and so hangs around causing trouble.
Keep him in, or only let him out to supervised events - sports or youth clubs maybe.
It's one thing ringing on someone's bell, although that is harassment, but punching him in the head??
The best interpretation is that he was high on something and so was easily pushed into this. The worst is that he wasn't and and has no excuse at all. You must be so ashamed. Is he?
So I think I'd be grounding him for a long long time, and finding anger management courses for him to go on. Maybe enrol him in sports club to keep him busy and use up excess energy. Maybe consider sending him to stay with relatives who live some distance away for a for a while. Do you live with his father? I remember my brother getting into trouble as a young teenager and the decision was made to send him to live with his dad out in a rural village where the trouble to be had was along the lines of scrumping apples rather than breaking into cars. Evening entertainment was night fishing rather than tda.
Whatever, he needs to be away from the group of friends involved. He needs help to control himself and to understand the possible consequences of his actions.
Is his school able to offer any support? Some do have decent pastoral teams that might help.

13! There is a long way to go.

I'd also come down on him like a tonne of bricks. I wouldn't be making excuses for his behaviour. You are ruining your own life otherwise never mind his.

At the same time, I also agree with @RestingPandaFace. If your son was one of my teenagers he would find himself in every activity going.