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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenager attacked a man

100 replies

teenagersandtoddlers · 21/11/2021 06:41

I need help and advice. My teenager was last night brought home by the police. He had been cautioned for attacking a man - punching him in the head.
Apparently they rang his door bell and he came out chasing them and then took his friends bike. He wheeled it back to his house and they tried to get the bike back from him and he was threatening them. I don't know what happened but my teenager then started punching him. It's all on his ring doorbell Cctv. He said he was trying to protect his friend.
I am so ashamed. He is normally the most empathic, quiet and kind boy.
I have spoken to him about how serious this is, he could have killed him or he could have been killed.
I don't know what to do or how to handle this.

OP posts:

Tillymintpolo · 21/11/2021 07:33

You need to come down on him like a ton of bricks, grounded, no phone or tech etc. He needs a massive dose of reality

rrhuth · 21/11/2021 07:34

He's only 13, still young enough for you to take strong action.

He can't be allowed out for a good while certainly. He needs to find different friends - or maybe they need different friends as he was a serious part of what happened. Either way, this is a group of young people committing crimes.

You should speak to both school and the police proactively, say you are worried and ask for their help and support.

Where is his dad? Other relatives? What clubs can you get him into rather than hanging around committing crimes?

Dancingsmile · 21/11/2021 07:37

It's happened several times to this man ! This means they are targeting and he is part of that group targeting him. He is a bully. There is no empathy or care shown by your son here.
Can you imagine how scared and stressed that man must be to be targeted.
I hope there are very heavy consequences being put in place by you.
No wonder you are mortified.

BabycakesMatlala · 21/11/2021 07:41

This is absolutely appalling behaviour - the doorbell harassment alone, let alone the punching.

I have a child the same age - they don't get to be wondering around at night/evening. If they did this, they wouldn't be allowed out anywhere except home/school/organised club for the foreseeable future after that, and I'd be transporting them to and from... you say he's kind and empathetic, but to an outsider honestly that sounds a bit naive, as in a group he's clearly not capable of actually behaving in a way that takes others' feelings, or basic socially/legally acceptable behaviour, into account - he'll need WAY more monitoring for a long time after this.

I'm really sorry, OP - it's an awful thing to have to deal with

rrhuth · 21/11/2021 07:41

Something you could do, but only if the police agree it is acceptable/advisable, is tell the victim you had no idea until last night but now you do you are taking it very seriously. The victim must have been terrified.

closedown · 21/11/2021 07:42

They were causing trouble by ringing doorbells and running off, and found trouble in a guy who wasn't happy about it.

I used to do dumb stuff like that as a teenager sometimes. I'd never have punched someone though - the people I knew who were willing to jump into violence were the much more troubled ones in my group, and the ones who went on to get in much more trouble growing up, instead of just "teen mischief" or whatever you want to call it.

So yeah, I think something needs to be done. Punching a grown man is so brazen, even if he is trying to nick your mates bike. If my son did that he would not be going out for a long time unless under very strict conditions.

closedown · 21/11/2021 07:45

I do think maybe you're a bit naive about how he is, OP. That's normal. We see our kids as our babies and they can act quite different with us and with their friends.

In my teenage group there were a mixture of types of kids. Some were basically decent but going along with the crowd and getting in some light trouble, some were real trouble, really wanted to stir things up and led the crowd. Guess which category the ones willing to punch people in the head fell into?

clatterclatter · 21/11/2021 07:47

So this man is basically being harassed by young people in his own home? That destroys peoples lives. How can you relax at home when you know you’ll be harassed after dark? He must have been at the end of his tether and then to be assaulted by one of the little idiots.

Why are they targeting this man? Is he disabled? Often you’ll find these kids pick on disabled people, the elderly or people with mental health issues. Because they’re easy targets with no power to stop them.

Although they’re common now, the fact he’s got a video doorbell hints this has been a long-standing issue.

I don’t think he should be allowed out unsupervised for a long time. And maybe some lessons in empathy might be in order. Sorry you’re dealing with this OP, must be awful from your point of view.

TheWeeDonkey · 21/11/2021 07:54

You must be mortified OP. You've had good advice here, in my opinion you need to come down on this hard. 13 is a very dangerous age and given whats happened hes on a very slippery slope. You need to nip this in the bud now before he becomes a full time thug, and don't think it won't happen to your little precious, I've seen it happen. Even the nicest boys are very easily led at that age.

Don't let him minimise or soft soap you. He needs to understand the seriousness of his actions and what happens to young men who choose to live the life hes heading towards.

Good luck, raising young men can be really challenging for mums. Its in our nature to be the gentle nurturing safe place, but this is when you need to get tough.

Waahingwashingwashing · 21/11/2021 07:54

That poor man. He must’ve been at the absolute end of his rope.

If a bunch of teens(how old were the rest of them?) were doing this I’d be terrified.

I’m disabled and I live alone most of the year. I’d be absolutely beside myself.

stillcrazyafterall · 21/11/2021 08:01

He is normally the most empathic, quiet and kind boy.

Well tbh I doubt this was the first time he'd done this, so you are totally wrong about that aren't you? I would ground him indefinitely and certainly ban him from mixing with these particular'friends'

KatherineJaneway · 21/11/2021 08:01

He needs to know the impact of what he thinks is a joke on people and how they feel. Apparently this has happened numerous times to this same man.

That's not a 'joke', that's harassment.

UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 21/11/2021 08:02

He’s normally the most empathic, quiet and kind boy.

He might be when he’s at home, but he’s clearly not when he’s with his friends.

I’d come down on this hard, personally - there could have been very serious consequences to this. I’d be marching him round there to give this bloke a full apology, and he’d lose his phone and be grounded for a good while.

WeAreTheHeroes · 21/11/2021 08:03

This is a tipping point OP and dealing with this effectively will impact your son for life. I strongly suspect he has been up to much more than you are aware of and he know needs to earn your trust and respect. No more hanging out with these friends. I'd suggest speaking to their parents too. If you're all in agreement about to deal with this poor behaviour it will make things easier.

Original poster

teenagersandtoddlers · 21/11/2021 08:03

He has had his phone, Xbox taken away from him indefinitely. He's grounded. I have e mailed his school and his head of house.

OP posts:

UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 21/11/2021 08:04

@clatterclatter

Although they’re common now, the fact he’s got a video doorbell hints this has been a long-standing issue.

I don’t think he should be allowed out unsupervised for a long time. And maybe some lessons in empathy might be in order. Sorry you’re dealing with this OP, must be awful from your point of view.

Totally agree.

GoodnightGrandma · 21/11/2021 08:06

@teenagersandtoddlers

He has had his phone, Xbox taken away from him indefinitely. He's grounded. I have e mailed his school and his head of house.

Well done. It would be interesting to see how his behaviour in school is, and who he is hanging around with.

MsTSwift · 21/11/2021 08:07

You seem quite passive “I’ve spoken to him” this is really really serious he is fortunate he basically got away with it. I would be mortified and all over him. Up supervision not allowed out and I would look for some sort of counselling for boys on the verge of criminality i would pay for it if necessary.

MsTSwift · 21/11/2021 08:08

Sorry just seen your other post. I would worry he’s at some sort of cross roads here. It’s hopefully a youthful out of character moment of madness or you’ve got aloe if work to do fast to turn this round.

MarshaBradyo · 21/11/2021 08:09

That is very bad

Why would they be harassing a man like this

And the punching

Wiltshire90 · 21/11/2021 08:10

It sounds like he's been given a youth community resolution with the resolution being to write an apology to the victim. All parties have to agree to it and you'd have to counter sign it as your son is under 18. Did the police give you anything to sign or did they say they'd follow it up?

MichelleScarn · 21/11/2021 08:14

they tried to get the bike back from him and he was threatening them. I don't know what happened but my teenager then started punching him

What were his threats if he was walking away? Violence to them or that he was calling the police? How many times did he punch him? I'd be surprised if a letter of apology is all there I'd.

MichelleScarn · 21/11/2021 08:14

Is not I'd

Dizzy1234 · 21/11/2021 08:24

Horrible to read and it must be horrendous for you.
If he were my son at 13 nearly 14 I'd come down on him like a ton of bricks.
He would be in serious trouble, grounded etc but you say you've done this.
If this has happened to this man before your DS and his group of friends are probably the ones targeting this man.
Sounds like the man has had enough when he managed to get hold of the bike.
Put yourself in his shoes, a group of teenagers targeting your house at night, that must be terrifying for the man and his family.
Then your DS assaults him, that's a massive red flag that your DS is confident / comfortable enough to attack a grown man.
If I were you I'd go round the man's house and apologise for your DS, ask him how long it's been going on to get a clear picture of what's been happening then I'd give him my phone number so that if he sees your DS near his house again he can call you.
I can't believe the police are not prosecuting your DS, if I were that man that is what I would be demanding, how dare your DS put his hands on anyone and how dare he target someone's house.
I feel for you having to deal with this though, you sound like a decent parent

MsTSwift · 21/11/2021 08:30

Not sure going to the mans house is good advice! Though agree with rest of it. Poor man been troubled enough don’t drag him into it. Or he might be aggressive himself and you’ve put yourself in danger.

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