Moody teen - am I being too controlling?

[worriedmum20000]

My eldest DS,15, seems to be permanently moody and angry and I'm wondering whether we are being too heavy on him and whether relaxing some of our rules might make for a better atmosphere at home. To give you an idea of what we expect of him:

Daily - make his bed, open the curtains, clear up after himself (dirty clothes in the basket, wet towel off the floor, breakfast stuff in the dishwasher etc) thankfully he's pretty good on personal hygiene so no battle there. Occasionally we might ask him to help with dinner or unstack the dishwasher but not often - once, maybe twice a week,

School nights gadgets downstairs by 9:30pm (he can still watch tv with us) and in bed by 10pm. He can read for a bit but chooses not to and is a bugger to get up in the morning so bit loathe to change this but open to change.

Homework - big battle area as he's very workshy/lazy and spends most of his homework time on social media or gaming pretending to work so we now say homework to be done downstairs (he's not got a desk upstairs so it used to be lying on his bed or similar), minimum 1 hour on a weekday (school are 3 x 45 mins but there's no way he'll do that much) and preferably finished before dinner usually c.7/7:30pm but not essential and definite 2 hours on a Sunday morning. He's year 11 btw and does want to do A levels and is very borderline passing his GCSEs so I'm not pushing for 8/9's just enough to get him to the next stage.

Freedom - he does a lot of sport which we drive him around to and pay for but if he wants to go and see a friend that's fine if he's done his homework and not particularly strict on weekend bedtimes or curfews and if he wants to stay upon all night on his phone as long as he's not vile the next day we try and let it go.

He has a job so has money and enjoys spending on gadgets and stuff which of course is his money his choice so I guess looking at it written down, it's just homework and tech time that we're constantly arguing over. When does it get easier? Any suggestions or words of wisdom from those out the other side? If doesn't help that DH and I do differ on how strict we are - I'm in the 'this is parenting and tough if he doesn't like our rules, he's a child and needs our guidance' camp whereas DH is more 'leave him to make his own mistakes and he'll soon figure it out or deal with the repercussions'

Maybe he's still too tired? I was surprised to see he has a job. I would consider cutting that out, he needs to focus on his exams surely?

I think all your rules seem really sensible and reasonable.

But I wonder if you're not connecting very well on an emotional level.

I recommend Phillipa Perry book, the book you wish your parents had read.

That helped me relate better to everyone but esp my kids.

I am I similar situation with year 11DD. Although she is not struggling with school work and would be modified not to get high grades so she does the work needed. My DH thinks the kids should self managed their tech and unfortunately she has 17 & 18 year old siblings who we let work out out themselves so hard to be too strict with just her. She goes to bed at 11 ISH but it's often gaming until just before then or finishing homework because she grabbed for too long.
I do think they have to learn and I also think a high percentage of parents spend all day on a computer and all evening looking at a phone or TV so providing the work is getting done I would not be too strict.
I would probably say as long as the work gets done he can manage screen time but work not done will have a sanction of some kind.

Horrified

So 7 hours homework a week, sports, a job, school full time and trying to have a social life ? That's a lot. If his downtime chill activity is gaming / tech then given how I'm not sure he finds much time for it at all, I wouldn't be too hard on him as long as it isn't affecting everything else.

If he needs 7 hours a week for homework, he may not be working as effectively as he could be, that seems a lot even in year 11, that is more than an extra day at school in hours. Maybe working on study skills may help him.

I don't think I would have the energy to micro manage my teen that much.
I understand your concerns but by Yr11 he really should be taking a bit more responsibility for his homework and not need you breathing down his neck. I'm more inclined to agree with your husband, but can see Yr11 not perhaps the best time to introduce that!
What would happen if you stopped chivvying him over homework?

I think the problem isn’t that you’re controlling, it’s just there’s a lot there to argue about, if you see what I mean.

I would be inclined to not fuss about the household stuff to be honest.

Wow I wouldn't think 15 would still have gadgets down stairs by 9.30 bed time by ten rule.

I would be letting them manage that themselves by 15.

I speak as a mother of three teens.

I have a DS the same age.

I wouldn't nag him about tidying his room, picking up his clothes etc. If his clothes aren't in the washing basket, they won't get washed - his choice.

Homework - tricky. I am much more relaxed with my DS and don't police his homework at all, but he is doing well at school and got a very good report recently so I guess I might be stricter in your shoes.

I let my teens keep their room as they wish providing there's nothing like mouldy food or things causing damage.
I enforced bed making, curtains etc in primary so the foundations are there and probably 90% of the time they do it.
Mine do their own laundry from year 11 too, although I'll help out if they need it. So DS might put a load on before college and ask if I'd hang it out.
I do expect them to keep communal areas clean and they are in charge of cleaning the kitchen after dinner.
I've never had an issue with homework so I can't comment there.

God that sounds like hard work for you and hard work for him!

Chill the f out!

Your general rules are not unreasonable, but I still lean towards agreeing with your DH.

Stop trying to micromanage his homework. He should be more or less self-regulating in that respect, and feeling the consequences if he doesn't. So tell him that and then step back.

I have three DDs. Two are very academic and were good self-motivators/regulators. The other was much less so. Micromanaging all of them through that stage would have driven me round the bend, so I didn't.

As he does A Levels (assuming he gets the right grades) and maybe goes to university he will need to be able to take the responsibility for himself.

All your rules sound fine. I expected more work from my yr11 last year and he just managed to scrape by to do the a levels he wanted.
Ask him why he’s moody next time he is and give him a big hug and a kiss. Find a comedy to watch. Do some little fun things. Teens still need affection and laughter.

@MyButteredBread he could be tired but he enjoys his job and it's a whole day outdoors away from stress of school, tech, keeps him fit and he likes the cash and he won't spend the time productively so bit loathe to encourage him stop that tbh. We did insist he drop his sport 1 day a week as it was too much with everything else but he complains about the school night bedtime and says he's never tired at 10

He has to do alot. He needs time to relax. Rather than homework every night, why not do an hour and a half or 2 hours three nights a week.

Also gadgets downstairs at 9:30 for a 15 year old seems a bit much.

10 is also a relatively early bed time for a teen.

He needs to self regulate his own usage of electronics. I usually ask my teens to have them shit off for about 10ish but they can keep them in thier room. I try to encourage them to make sure they sleep at a reasonable time.

Teens naturally sleep layer, he is also aware you will wake him. Stop doing it, let him sleep in and be late. It will soon teach him he has tonget up. Or leave him and dont say anything g in the morning he could suprise you.

My children have been waking themselves and making sure they are not late for school/appointments since they started high school. All I do is knock thier door before I leave for work at 6am and say have a nice day.

Does he have an alarm to even wake him if he hasn't got his phone?

Also just accept teens to not have the same schedule naturally as adults.

When My dd was in year 11 she had a lot of homework and revision for exams and the pressure was put on them a lot op

She also had a Saturday job and gym commitments

Everything had to be so organised and sometimes she would drop a ball when it got too much.

I would step in and just remind her that spending three hours online gaming or on social media could be split up so she could give herself more time to not get so stressed and angry with it all.

I explained and still do at times that learning how to manage your time yourself is a big part of life and once she's at college she will be a lot more responsible for her own time table and deadlines.

It took a few chats about it normally after a week of us gritting our teeth through her moodyness and stropping

I also told her a few times in non confrontational way that her moods were dominating everyone else's and actually it wasn't fair for others to walk on eggshells and that worked.

She now manages her time a lot better and is happier and calmer.

I'd also stop bothering with the gadgets downstairs by 9.30 rule. That is just something else to be argued over, and he really is old enough now to take care of himself much more.

Mine have always used their phones as alarms to get up in the morning, as do DH and I. So we all charge them up in our rooms overnight.

People can be so bloody rude on here. I’d love to ask for advice here about my teen. I’m struggling terribly but I know there’d be plenty of ‘chill the f out’ type of wallys replying.

Ok so too much micromanagement going on (exact words my DH used so definitely something I need to address as I am prone to this in other areas too).

Homework is a bit of a battle between dh & I - I don't want DS to fail and think what he is doing is actually very little and his school reports support this, but, sometimes even getting him sat down doesn't guarantee he's actually working and DH is of the mind that if he doesn't pass on his head be it. I wouldn't care if he did a couple of hours one night and none the next but if left to his own devices he just doesn't do it hence the timetable. I could compromise and say keep the weekend block but weekdays you manage your own homework (and grit my teeth when he sits on the XBox for 3 hours and then dashes off 15 minutes of shoddy homework.)

Gadgets and bedtime I could relax on a bit too - leave him with his tech until bedtime and not be on at him on the dot of 10pm. My misguided idea of a break from tech before bedtime was in the hope he'd come downstairs and chat, engage a bit but clearly he's not interested when he's constantly feeling im getting at him and he's so angry. He said last night he hates living here which made me sad

@spondoolikay you are spot on about not connecting on an emotional level and this is what I want to change. Will look at the recommended reading.

No criticism intended from me, your concern shines through but maybe you need to give him a bit of space to work things out for himself but be more available to just be, to listen and just offer kindness and love instead of advice.

DH is of the mind that if he doesn't pass on his head be it and who will be the one working out what the fuck he will do when he doesn't get the grades needed for sixth form for A levels? Will it be your Dh? Will he be looking at BTECs and where your son can resit maths or English or will this fall to you?

I am all for letting children learn the consequences of their actions but when it comes to GCSEs etc no, if a child and the key word is child, if a child needs intervention then parents should step in. The school my son goes to certainly does.

Ds2 is also 15 and in year 11. He doesn't have any homework at the moment but school are doing after school study support which is 1 hour 2 days a week one week and 3 days a week another week. This covers English, Maths, language and 2 days on Science. However, my son is going for grade 7s and above.

My son comes off tech at 10pm but gets himself out of bed at 6.30am and straight into the shower. He has the same chores your son has but empties the dishwasher 3 times a week and previous to this year he would help prepare dinner a couple of nights a week. He takes a break from dinner prep now as he will have 10 weeks after GCSE to learn to cook just like his brother did who is now at uni. Ds1 did really well GCSEs wise but had to watch his friend choose a different A level due to not reaching the minimum grade to continue.

Are there any tv shows you could watch together as a family? Something he picks. I would also tell him how much you love him and how much easier it would be on your life to not have to be over him all the time but that you don't want to see him upset and disappointed on results day. You want him to have the best life and usually that comes from having money to make choices, money comes from jobs.

I would explain the grade curve, that it forces children to get below a 4.

Wow he sounds identical to my year 11 ds and the way you parent sounds v similar to us too. It is a minefield and everyone will have a different opinion. I don’t think gadgets downstairs is unreasonable at all although we say by 10pm and bed by 11pm (he doesn’t seem tired in the mornings). I won’t ask him to put gadgets downstairs once he has finished his GCSEs though.

He does sound like he has a lot of homework compared to my ds though and with a job too… I just try to follow the age old advice not to sweat the small stuff. Don’t worry about his bedroom so much and like pp said, if clothes aren’t in the basket they don’t get washed. Every now and again we get our three to tidy up their bedrooms when we get fed up with looking at it but usually we leave them to it! I’m forever trying to balance enjoying the time I have with my teens while they are still at home with trying not to nag them too much. I do think they still need guidance and a bit of poking and prodding to do things at this age (we are their parents after all!) but I am trying to back away gradually this year so he is more self sufficient by the time he goes to college.

It is a minefield OP and I don’t think there are many parents who don’t constantly question whether they have got the balance between nagging and being chill about everything!

I would sack the job off until he is in sixth form. I didn’t have a job until I was 17, and even then only worked 8 hours a week.

He is old enough to take responsibility for his homework and grades at school so I’d relax on that too. Maybe once he’s not working he will have more energy to put into his school work? X

I still make sure I give my teens lots of love, hugs and tell them I love them everyday too! And we make sure to do stuff together as a family as much as pos even if it’s just all watching a movie together with popcorn. At the moment we’re gradually working our way through the marvel movies in chronological order! Maybe he could do with a bit more downtime and spending time together (I’m not saying you don’t do this already btw!).

The gadgets downstairs by 9.30 bed by 10 is how I’d treat a younger child.

I really would back off - be there if he asks for help but otherwise it’s up to him. One of mine used to do their homework on the bus on a regular basis. Now a professional with a responsible job.