Moody teen - am I being too controlling?

[worriedmum20000]

My eldest DS,15, seems to be permanently moody and angry and I'm wondering whether we are being too heavy on him and whether relaxing some of our rules might make for a better atmosphere at home. To give you an idea of what we expect of him:

Daily - make his bed, open the curtains, clear up after himself (dirty clothes in the basket, wet towel off the floor, breakfast stuff in the dishwasher etc) thankfully he's pretty good on personal hygiene so no battle there. Occasionally we might ask him to help with dinner or unstack the dishwasher but not often - once, maybe twice a week,

School nights gadgets downstairs by 9:30pm (he can still watch tv with us) and in bed by 10pm. He can read for a bit but chooses not to and is a bugger to get up in the morning so bit loathe to change this but open to change.

Homework - big battle area as he's very workshy/lazy and spends most of his homework time on social media or gaming pretending to work so we now say homework to be done downstairs (he's not got a desk upstairs so it used to be lying on his bed or similar), minimum 1 hour on a weekday (school are 3 x 45 mins but there's no way he'll do that much) and preferably finished before dinner usually c.7/7:30pm but not essential and definite 2 hours on a Sunday morning. He's year 11 btw and does want to do A levels and is very borderline passing his GCSEs so I'm not pushing for 8/9's just enough to get him to the next stage.

Freedom - he does a lot of sport which we drive him around to and pay for but if he wants to go and see a friend that's fine if he's done his homework and not particularly strict on weekend bedtimes or curfews and if he wants to stay upon all night on his phone as long as he's not vile the next day we try and let it go.

He has a job so has money and enjoys spending on gadgets and stuff which of course is his money his choice so I guess looking at it written down, it's just homework and tech time that we're constantly arguing over. When does it get easier? Any suggestions or words of wisdom from those out the other side? If doesn't help that DH and I do differ on how strict we are - I'm in the 'this is parenting and tough if he doesn't like our rules, he's a child and needs our guidance' camp whereas DH is more 'leave him to make his own mistakes and he'll soon figure it out or deal with the repercussions'

I'm with your husband - at that age, they need to learn actions have consequences so I'd let him manage his homework, tech and bedtime. And I think having a part time job is good for teenagers.

No human relationship is ever perfect. It sounds like some progress had been made. Don't think of it as back to square one, think of it as a blip. Blips will happen and if his behaviour is generally better than before then that's a good thing. It will take time for you both to adjust

However, if his behaviour becomes worse than it was before, that is a problem.

I think you were right to not allow a sleepover just before mocks. He was extremely rude to you. However, stay calm and move forward.

Tbh I do think the bedtime is too strict. At that age I do think it’s best to encourage self-regulation with bedtimes.

However, I actually think you’re not being strict enough re homework and revision. 1 hour of work a night is nowhere near enough imo for a year 11 student wanting to do A levels. Tbh even if he did get the GCSE results needed to get onto A levels, I very much doubt there’d be any point if he doesn’t have the work ethic required.

I’d make a deal with him that if he does the 2hrs 15 mins a night expected by the school (and more at weekends), he can then earn more freedom over tech and bedtimes.

I also agree with other posters that the last thing year 11 students need is a job, so I’d sack that off for the moment.

@GreenLakes I completely agree one hour a night isn't enough but unfortunately it's one hour a night all and he has been doing and threes is no way he'll sit and focus for 2+ hours a night.

We had a chat this morning and he did apologise & acknowledge his behaviour as rude and unacceptable and knows a repeat performance means sanctions he doesn't like or want. So, a new day and back to him managing his own tech, timetable & bedtime as long as he does the basics we ask and isn't rude. Oh, and I've taken on board the comments about his room and just shut the door in the morning - there is a rather large pile of washing accumulating which I'm not collecting and he'll soon realise they only get washed if put in the basket when he runs out of clothes to wear. He takes pride in his appearance and personal hygiene so definitely won't want to be wearing dirty clothes

I actually agree with your DH. My parents never told us to do homework, we’re all fully functional adults in proper jobs, all left home at 17/18 and went to uni, managed well and got decent full time jobs, partners and children.

He has to do things for himself. If he doesn’t learn not to seek external motivation now you’re doing him a real disservice in later life.

Oh and of course ha managed his own bedtime… hes 15 not 5, he’s telling you he’s not tired. Probably because.. he isn’t tired.

Thank you there have been quite a few updates since my original post and you will see that he does now manage his own bedtime & I shut the door on his bedroom and ignore the mess.