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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD14 caught smuggling alcohol into a sleepover

100 replies

bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 28/10/2021 21:54

Hi all, im not sure what to do ...

my DD is going to a her friends early tommrow morning, and then staying there, having a sleepover there with 4 other girls (all close friends) (there will be six of them in total), and she has already packed her bag,
I accidentally kicked the bag when walking past her door and i heard a clink and the sound of liquid moving around so i opened it up, and lo and behold, there was a waterbottle full of Pimms nestled inbetween her pajamas! She was very tired today and has already fallen asleep, and i have no idea what to do!!

Do I wake her up and confront her about it?? Should I just tip it down the drain, fill it up with water and give her a nasty shock when she whipps it out tommrow night?? I also dont think I should tell my DH about this because he can absolutley blow his top about this kind of thing and it will just end in DD and him having a scream-off.

She is a pretty sensible girl and ive never caught her doing this before, I know i probably did stuff like this at her age, and she was just going to drink it with some girls weve known since she was 11 but she also stole it and is underage, so I dont think it should go unmentioned!

Not sure what to do, quick replies would be amazing! God it can be tricky parenting teenagers!

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 28/10/2021 22:52

I'm not surprised
I used to choose whatever I didn't think they'd miss (ie not dads beer or mums gin) that looked vaguely sweet and palatable
Pimms fits the bill on that
It's basically old school alcopops

ElleGettingBetter · 28/10/2021 22:53

Remove it.
Open up a discussion in the morning and let the other parents know to watch out for alcohol.

Let her go to the sleepover, she is much more likely to lie to you if you make this a huge deal and don’t let her go.

SorryPardonWhat · 28/10/2021 22:54

I have a 13yo DD. I'd swap with water and tell the sleepover parents what you found. Discuss with them - I'd be asking them to check all the girls' bags and openly saying they are checking for alcohol because a) it's illegal and b) vomiting will inevitably result. If they aren't comfortable doing that then sleepover needs to be cancelled.

ElleGettingBetter · 28/10/2021 22:54

More likely to lie to you in future*

NoDecentHandlesLeft · 28/10/2021 22:54

@hopefulitsmyyear

To be honest, I started drinking at 13. My Mum knew & until I was 18, always bought my alcohol to take to parties. I'd take 1 or 2 bottles of Hooch & then upped it to 4 as I got older (Smirnoff Ice or equivalent). Ive always had a really open relationship with my Parents & I very very rarely drink now. She used to say she'd much rather know what I was drinking. It's how I'd want to be with my child/ren too.
On the other hand, my brother started drinking at 13/14, my parents allowed it at family functions too. He's alcohol dependent now. So it can go either way.

Personally I wouldn't be happy for 14 year olds to be drinking in groups, and sneakily. One or two drinks at a party with parent permission, whatever.

DogCatRabbit · 28/10/2021 22:57

I would explain to her that I have taken the Pimms away and why she can't take it with her.
14 is pretty young to be drinking at a sleepover and even if you don't mind, other parents probably will. At 16, I have to say I'd turn a blind eye to a small bottle of Pimms, unless I thought there was a real risk of vomiting and upsetting other parents

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 28/10/2021 22:58

I wouldn't let her go on the sleepover, she needs to know that actions have consequences, otherwise if you let her go what has she learned? That she can sneak alcohol and the worst she will face is a conversation with you,

Also is your husband her dad?...if she is his daughter shouldn't he have a say too in the whole thing?.

Also definitely tell the agents of the sleepover about it so they can be on the lookout incase others have sneaked alcohol, like others have said 14 is not 16/17 or 18...

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 28/10/2021 22:58

*parents....not agents

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 28/10/2021 22:59

I would possibly even offer to host a sleepover at a later date with some controlled alcohol eg a homemade cocktail with a tiny amount of it's something they are going to experiment with.

At a sleepover with some very good female friends is probably better than at a mixed age and sex party/ the young farmers barn dance/ round the back of Spa if we could get the older kids to buy us White Lightning which is what I was doing. Much more potential for regrettable behaviour in those scenarios that I would prefer DD to avoid.

TawnyPippit · 28/10/2021 23:02

“The goal here is to support your 14 yr old to become an 18 yr old who is in the habit of making good decisions.”

I completely agree with this. There comes a time with teens when you actually cannot parent-by-command any longer, you have to start doing it by discussion. It’s REALLY hard, but I think its important that you do it.

I have a just-18 year old DD and when she was younger we had a couple of ill-advised forays with alcohol Hmm and there is literally nothing more that I would have liked than to shut her in her room for several weeks after. But that doesn’t really actually sort anything - you have to start talking about it.

FWIW, I dont think this is the worst thing in the world, in that its quite an obvious/predictable boundary push. If you do know the mother I would drop her a quick message along the lines of “I’ll spare you the details of how I know this but a heads up that there may be some plans involving alcohol this evening. I have dealt with it at this end”. I suspect she will give her DD a stern warning, which will be disseminated over snapchat by the DD to the other attendees.

stillonthattightrope · 28/10/2021 23:06

I would let the host parents know whether she goes or not. They deserve to know other kids there might also be packing booze especially if your daughter lets them know she's been caught out.

OverTheRubicon · 28/10/2021 23:09

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

I would possibly even offer to host a sleepover at a later date with some controlled alcohol eg a homemade cocktail with a tiny amount of it's something they are going to experiment with.

At a sleepover with some very good female friends is probably better than at a mixed age and sex party/ the young farmers barn dance/ round the back of Spa if we could get the older kids to buy us White Lightning which is what I was doing. Much more potential for regrettable behaviour in those scenarios that I would prefer DD to avoid.

You can't offer to host a sleepover with alcohol with other people's 14 year olds! I'd be spitting - the evidence that there is all says that introducing children to alcohol earlier increases the odds of them becoming a problem drinker, and they're also too young. In a few years maybe ok to turn a blind eye to a few drinks, but not yet.
SE13Mummy · 28/10/2021 23:09

I'd remove the alcohol tonight and contact the host parents to ask how they felt about/if they were OK with the 14-yr-olds bringing alcohol. If* the parents replied to say yes, they'd agreed the group could have a drink of Pimms with their pizza or whatever, then I may consider providing a couple of pre-mixed cans. If they didn't know about it/weren't going to be there, then I'd be telling DD she wasn't taking alcohol for those reasons alone.

*the hidden Pimms might point to this not being the case but it may be that she didn't know how to let you know that she'd volunteered to bring it.

Redwinestillfine · 28/10/2021 23:11

I would be contacting the parents of the party girl to pre warn them to do a bag search and DD wouldn't be going. In a few months when she's responsible enough to not sneak booze, then she can go.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 28/10/2021 23:17

I meant with consent of other parents if I did that. It sounds as though these kids are close friends for many years and OP knows the parents. I suspect if it was condoned alcohol they wouldn't actually want it anyway.

I guess I just think that in other cultures children do drink some alcohol with their parents and it isn't such a taboo thing. I have offered DD to try a sip of whatever I'm drinking but she thinks it's all disgusting. I think anything that is secretive and pushed underground is more likely to be dangerous.

ToooOldForThis · 28/10/2021 23:27

I did this at 14, got caught and sanctioned repeatedly, just kept on doing it!
Now I have a 13 year old DD so I know it's only a matter of time before this hits me.

I think the replacing with water is just silly.
If it was my dd I'd want to know her role in it, was it her idea? Or was she under pressure and feeling uncomfortable about jt? If you can get that from her truthfully, I think that informs how your reaction goes!

myheartskippedabeat · 28/10/2021 23:32

@Andi2020

Oh god at 14 I would definitely fill with water. The others will probably have drink with them 2. Let her go fill with water and watch her reaction on return If your friends with the other mum let her know to watch out for drinking
Yes fill with water 💦
Finknottlesnewt · 28/10/2021 23:44

Just talk to her tomorrow. Tell her she's not taking the booze but let her go. Pick your battles with otherwise good and trustworthy 14 yr olds.

Coming down hard on teens about this type of thing will only make them resentful and MORE sneaky. You need them to be open and communicative in order to negotiate the teen years successfully. Blowing your stack, banning sleepovers a d ranting about stuff that most teens to will have the opposite effect.

nimbuscloud · 28/10/2021 23:55

Tell the host parents if nothing else.
My nephew was at a sleepover, another child got drunk and aspirated vomit. The host parents had gone out for the evening. Another 15 year old had good first aid knowledge. A 14 year old called for an ambulance.

PermanentTemporary · 28/10/2021 23:59

What flamingoose said.

It's not 'the norm' and if it is, I'm absolutely fine about both me and ds being outside of the norm.

OverTheRubicon · 29/10/2021 08:26

@SE13Mummy

I'd remove the alcohol tonight and contact the host parents to ask how they felt about/if they were OK with the 14-yr-olds bringing alcohol. If* the parents replied to say yes, they'd agreed the group could have a drink of Pimms with their pizza or whatever, then I may consider providing a couple of pre-mixed cans. If they didn't know about it/weren't going to be there, then I'd be telling DD she wasn't taking alcohol for those reasons alone.

*the hidden Pimms might point to this not being the case but it may be that she didn't know how to let you know that she'd volunteered to bring it.

If the adults were ok with 14 year olds drinking alcohol, I'd be far more anti the sleepover than a 14 year old trying to sneak some in. It's totally not ok.
Dinosaurwoman · 29/10/2021 08:30

Buy her some alcopops, she’s going to drunk anyway so make sure she’s safe. The alternative is that she hangs around a corner shop asking strangers to buy her alcohol and then she’ll drink it in the park. Having a Pumms at 14 isn’t the road to hell. You’d be better off having a conversation about not driving to much and personal safety,

Dinosaurwoman · 29/10/2021 08:32

Oops , to many spelling mistakes but you get my drift.

Parky04 · 29/10/2021 08:37

I think as parents we easily forget what we were like when we were young! Just confiscate it but I would still let her go.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 29/10/2021 08:41

Really DON’T buy your 14 yo alcopops. Hmm

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