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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD14 caught smuggling alcohol into a sleepover

100 replies

bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 28/10/2021 21:54

Hi all, im not sure what to do ...

my DD is going to a her friends early tommrow morning, and then staying there, having a sleepover there with 4 other girls (all close friends) (there will be six of them in total), and she has already packed her bag,
I accidentally kicked the bag when walking past her door and i heard a clink and the sound of liquid moving around so i opened it up, and lo and behold, there was a waterbottle full of Pimms nestled inbetween her pajamas! She was very tired today and has already fallen asleep, and i have no idea what to do!!

Do I wake her up and confront her about it?? Should I just tip it down the drain, fill it up with water and give her a nasty shock when she whipps it out tommrow night?? I also dont think I should tell my DH about this because he can absolutley blow his top about this kind of thing and it will just end in DD and him having a scream-off.

She is a pretty sensible girl and ive never caught her doing this before, I know i probably did stuff like this at her age, and she was just going to drink it with some girls weve known since she was 11 but she also stole it and is underage, so I dont think it should go unmentioned!

Not sure what to do, quick replies would be amazing! God it can be tricky parenting teenagers!

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 28/10/2021 22:21

Sleepover would be off.

Reality is that you have no idea whether she may have been pressured or not. She may in fact be the instigator and want to look cool by showing up with a bottle of alcohol.

14 year olds cannot regulate their alcohol intake yet, and I will say now that if a child came to my house with alcohol she had stolen from her parents they wouldn’t ever be invited back.

At 16 it’s one worth a discussion, at 14 it definitely is grounding teratory.

Viviennemary · 28/10/2021 22:24

We have NOT all been there at the age of 14. This isn't the norm. I wouldnt allow her to go on the sleepover and inform the other girls pardents why she won't be coming. She is 4 years under the age of 18 not a few months. I would be concerned about the theft and the scale of the deceit.

Stopsnowing · 28/10/2021 22:25

Sleepover is off otherwise why are there no consequences.

Stopsnowing · 28/10/2021 22:25

Also others may be planning to take booze so you need to let the other mums know.

Strangevipers · 28/10/2021 22:28

So not the end of the world

Typical behaviour for 14

Don't be sly and empty it out and replace with water that's just immature

Ask her in the morning does she have alcohol

If she says yes get her to hand it over and explain this is her one and only chance if it happens again she won't be going to any sleepover for a long time ( exaggerate)

If she says no tell her that you know she does and to hand it to you now and then explain this is her one and only chance etc

She's 14 , she got caught, instigated or pressured either way she's not the only brain in on this , very harsh for her to be the only punished one.

Be honest with her and she will hopefully start realising she can be honest with you and hopefully that will continue

MoiraNotRuby · 28/10/2021 22:29

Why would a water bottle nestled in pyjamas make a clink? Where is the original pimms bottle?

Apart from that. I would talk to her about it. Definitely don't condone under age secret drinking or turn it into a wierd mind game swapping for water.

YoungGiftedPlump · 28/10/2021 22:29

Pimms?

Mixed with lemonade or neat?

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 28/10/2021 22:29

I think I recall nicking some booze from my parents cupboard for a party when I was 14/15. I think it was some horrid liqueur like Advocat. It's not so unusual

I would take it out and tell her in the morning that you have done that but not cancel the sleepover. I would say that I think she is too young (hypocrite I know) and that stealing it is not the way to go if she wants to try alcohol. She might have been under peer pressure to take some. I think I was when I took it.

If I knew the sleepover parents well I would probably warn them too as it's odds on that it was a plan they would all try to bring some.

Flamingoose · 28/10/2021 22:29

Don't play silly games.
Have a sensible conversation with her about
(1) stealing
(2) underage drinking
(3) being sneaky

I tell my teens that if they find themselves sneaking about doing something in secret then they need to examine why it's not allowed and weigh up whether or not they think they should be allowed to do it. Either they'll reflect and realise they shouldn't be bloody doing it (eg stealing a bottle of Pimms at 14). Or they will reflect and decide that they should actually be allowed to do the thing, in which case have the maturity to tell the adults that they would like to do the thing, and we will listen.
The goal here is to support your 14 yr old to become an 18 yr old who is in the habit of making good decisions.

HeartsAndClubs · 28/10/2021 22:31

She's 14 , she got caught, instigated or pressured either way she's not the only brain in on this , very harsh for her to be the only punished one. you have no way of knowing that. It may in fact have been her idea.

And OP is not responsible for the other kids and whether they are or aren’t punished. But I would be removing the alcohol, telling her there will be no sleepover, and I would let the other parents know. Whether they punished their own children would be their decision, but I disagree with the idea that if others aren’t punished then she shouldn’t be either.

ChateauMargaux · 28/10/2021 22:32

We had similar... boys were going hiking and wild camping, one parent discovered alcohol in a rucksack which was confiscated and the other parents were told. Everyone had a chat with their own kids and ensured that they would not have any alcohol on that trip. They do drink now (older) and we do allow them to and yes, there have been a few phone calls calling in adults to help with kids that are drunk but we have all insisted that we will ALWAYS help and not shout at the time!

FindingMeno · 28/10/2021 22:32

@Viviennemary I wouldn't be so sure it isn't the norm.
It's more likely that the parents don't know / haven't caught them out, than it's completely out of the ordinary for this to happen.
Parenting teenagers needs a degree of reality check!

Original poster
bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 28/10/2021 22:33

the alcohol is gone and im going to be talking with her tommorow when she gets up, i think im going to have to go from there, and i really cant decide whether she is allowed to go or not, as another one of her friends might also have booze ...

i feel like if i let her go then she will think theres nothing wrong with stealing all that and giving it to her friends ... but if i punish her too badly she will just work harder to keep stuff a secret from me and not call me even if she was in a dangerous situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 28/10/2021 22:37

@YoungGiftedPlump

Pimms?

Mixed with lemonade or neat?

just straight Pimms ... she was probably going to get some lemonade later or something Confused
OP posts:
hopefulitsmyyear · 28/10/2021 22:37

To be honest, I started drinking at 13. My Mum knew & until I was 18, always bought my alcohol to take to parties. I'd take 1 or 2 bottles of Hooch & then upped it to 4 as I got older (Smirnoff Ice or equivalent). Ive always had a really open relationship with my Parents & I very very rarely drink now. She used to say she'd much rather know what I was drinking. It's how I'd want to be with my child/ren too.

Strangevipers · 28/10/2021 22:38

Is she usually a good kid ?

Is this really a one off ?

Come on let her love. Covid has ruined everyone's lives for so long stopping her going while 5 other girls get to go who are also in on it is so harsh

The alcohol is gone
Tell the other parents by all means
Explain about underage drinking and about stealing and move on

1st time offender

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 28/10/2021 22:39

My DD is also 14. I think it's enough punishment that you take it off her and give her a talking to. She will know she was in the wrong. You might find out useful info about whose idea it was and whether she really wanted to do it.
The usefulness of punishments gets less and less the older they are.
As PP said the trick is to encourage her to make a better choice next time.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 28/10/2021 22:41

I would tell the party host parents though
That would likely be the worst punishment for my DD

insatiableme · 28/10/2021 22:42

I personally think when parents have a screaming match with their child about things like this. Which Most teenagers try! Then teens are more Than k no likely too lie. I have always had honest conversations with my children explaining the risks and what I think would be reasonable to reduce the risk of them drinking spirits or bad situations at that age. Than them lie get drunk and not know what they are up too. It's worked well with my children.

FindingMeno · 28/10/2021 22:42

The usefulness of punishments gets less and less the older they are

This

IAAP · 28/10/2021 22:43

@Strangevipers

So not the end of the world

Typical behaviour for 14

Don't be sly and empty it out and replace with water that's just immature

Ask her in the morning does she have alcohol

If she says yes get her to hand it over and explain this is her one and only chance if it happens again she won't be going to any sleepover for a long time ( exaggerate)

If she says no tell her that you know she does and to hand it to you now and then explain this is her one and only chance etc

She's 14 , she got caught, instigated or pressured either way she's not the only brain in on this , very harsh for her to be the only punished one.

Be honest with her and she will hopefully start realising she can be honest with you and hopefully that will continue

This. No sleep over a night at home to watch strictly snf personally she would her phone removed.
JesterMcFester · 28/10/2021 22:46

Is anyone else shocked that 14 year olds drink Pimms these days?

Posh tots aren't they.

Original poster
bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 28/10/2021 22:49

@JesterMcFester

Is anyone else shocked that 14 year olds drink Pimms these days?

Posh tots aren't they.

yes im not sure why she chose that Wine
OP posts:
mummabubs · 28/10/2021 22:52

Flamingoose gave good advice. I agree with others in that replacing it with water isn't the answer. (I assume when you say the bottle is gone you mean you've taken the bottle, not tipped your Pimms down the sink!) Open, firm but contained conversation is your friend here OP. I'd be wondering what her experience of alcohol has been, is she already drinking things as strong as Pimms in other contexts? Did she really want to take it or did she feel pressured to? What does she think getting drunk will achieve/ why do they want to do it at a sleepover aged 14? Gentle curiosity to understand why she's chosen to take it makes it easier to have the conversation rather than going in guns blazing with anger and punishment, alongside explaining why you've taken the position you have, e.g. Stealing is wrong, she's underage so it's illegal and you want her to be safe with alcohol etc. Hope your talk with her goes OK OP.

Tee20x · 28/10/2021 22:52

Lol @ the alcohol being Pimms.

Personally I think there's no point applying other peoples ideas of correct punishment. You've said yourself your main issue is that she stole it from your house so I would have a chat with her about that.

We were all 14 once, I remember having sneaky sips of alcohol at home and at sleepovers. All part and parcel of growing up and going out.

Clearly it's something she's interested in exploring so no point going in all guns blazing. As a teenager all she will do is push back and find other ways of experimenting without your knowledge & that in my opinion is more dangerous.

Have a chat with her but still let her go. She's not a 2 year old that needs an immediate consequence/punishment to be able to connect the dots.