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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Collective bullying to isolate my dd15

69 replies

Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 10:22

Dd15 has had the same group of friends for many years, they’re a fairly quiet, academic group. At the end of last term they sat her down and explained they did not want to be her friend. She had no idea this was going to happen. It was to do with gender issues. They accused dd of being unsupportive. This is odd as she’s supportive and kind.

Dd received some horrible texts and she tried to explain and apologise. I contacted some parents but they said at 15 the girls needed to sort it out themselves. Dd had a very lonely summer.

In September dd had to make new friends at school. She’s been successful to join new friendship groups but then they have listened to the rumours and said that they will no longer sit with dd. This has happened a few times with different groups of girls.

She now has no friends at all and is on her own at break and lunch. It is like the year group are encouraging each other to isolate her.

Dd is devastated. She has never had friendship issues before as she’s avoided dramas by being non judgmental and considerate.

It’s a good school we chose it as it has a sixth form that dd would attend but now she sees her only option is to leave. It’s difficult for us to persuade her to go to school each day.
We would very much appreciate any advice for dd and also suggestions as to what the school could do to help her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 10:22

Forgot to say, I have name changed for this.

OP posts:

Peanut82 · 13/10/2021 10:41

Have you spoke to the school? If not make this your first point of call. Explain what's going on and ask them to nip it in the bud. If the school are unsupportive you can go to the school governors and ofsted if they won't help.
Email the school aswell as calling, so you have a paper trail.

SilentPanic · 13/10/2021 10:47

Oh your poor DD. That is so horrible. I take it your DD never mentioned anything about a gender issue at all? That's a really mean rumour for someone to invent, and what bastards the rest of the year are to believe such a thing about her.

No real advice other than to let her go to a sixth form college at the end of the year.

Original poster

Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 11:17

Thank you Peanut82 we have been emailing and speaking to head of year. Even before the new term started. He has been keeping an eye on her at lunch. At first it seemed she was doing ok as she found girls to sit with but a week later they said she wasn’t welcome. They’d heard what she had been accused of and didn’t want to be friends with her. Dd explained it wasn’t true but they said they had no loyalty to her as she’s only friends with them because she’s got no one else.
We encouraged dd to try and stay positive and to sit with other girls. It was hard for her to find the confidence but she did only for the same thing to happen again.
Yesterday I spoke with head of year to update him and he’s thinking what to do for the best. I wanted to post on here to see if anyone had any advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 11:30

Thanks @SilentPanic, the thing is dd doesn’t have gender issues, it’s her friends that have changed gender. Dd is supportive and non judgmental as she is with pretty much anything. They can’t accept her for being straight and conforming to gender stereotype. They accused her of using the wrong pronouns on purpose but it was a genuine mistake. She’s apologised and explained both to the people involved and in messages.
It seems that accusing dd has brought other friendship groups together with a common target of watching someone who has only ever been lovely and kind become more snd more excluded

OP posts:

Minkribs · 13/10/2021 19:58

I’d be tempted to look at other schools - though it’ll be a big upheaval especially if this is her GCSE year, it’ll be nothing compared to her being miserable and alone for the rest of the year. It’s not fair on her but it’ll be difficult to come back from this horrible situation.

foxgoosefinch · 13/10/2021 20:14

This sounds awful - your poor DD. Has she known these friends since the start of secondary school? It seems peculiarly cruel - does she have one or two she used to be especially close to who she could speak to again or could you speak to their parents?

This generation seems to be getting more and more judgmental and totalitarian. I hope the school can come up with some helpful ideas.

foxgoosefinch · 13/10/2021 20:16

Oh just saw that you did speak to some parents - were none of them at all amenable to talking to their children to see what has happened?

clopper · 13/10/2021 20:17

This happened to my DD oh how I wish we’d changed schools. She is still suffering years later with very low self esteem.

MarshmallowSwede · 13/10/2021 20:18

If they are discriminating against her for being gender conforming then this is wrong and the school needs to step in.

If we are telling students to not discriminate against anyone claiming to be trans and non binary, then we also should say the same
For the straight, gender conforming students as well.

Sounds like group think and a pile on. She’s the common enemy so I feel for her. But it’s also chilling that a girl who just because she hasn’t jumped on the non binary, trans I identify as anything but a girl bandwagon is being treated this way.

If this were a gay or lesbian child we would be appalled but since your daughter is just a “normal straight” girl it’s ok to pile on and bully her.

No.. you need to address this and the school needs to make sure everyone knows that bullying for any reason is wrong.

MarshmallowSwede · 13/10/2021 20:21

I know you’re speaking to the school but have you told them the details of what’s caused the bullying? They need to know.

And I hope your daughter knows this isn’t her fault and she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. I really feel for her. This can be a really difficult time in life for a girl.

Pinkchocolate · 13/10/2021 20:28

Speak to all the relevant people and if you still don’t get anywhere leave would be my advice. Your story sounds so similar to what my DD went through, for an entire year. My heart breaks for you and your DD. I moved my DD to another school and her entire being changed. Not all girls are nasty but the ones your DD is encountering real if are.
In my experience parents off bullies are usually aware of what their darlings get up to but think it’s harmless, until their child is on the receiving end.
The “reasons” for her being bullied are total BS, they always are so please don’t feel you need to justify her. Bullies will pick on anything.
I would also seek professional mental help for her. My DD eventually had psychotherapy (after years of self sabotage, suicide attempts and general misery) and it’s been amazing for her. Sending you and your DD strength OP

Pinkchocolate · 13/10/2021 20:29

*in real life
*parents OF bullies

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 20:52

Sounds like she's come the scapegoat so everyone else can bond over that dynamic. It's about power and control over by the Queen Bees and nothing about the actual incident at all.

Original poster

Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 21:06

Thank you all for your support and understanding.
Yes she’s been friends with these girls since they were small. The situation has escalated as they’ve involved other friendship groups.

It would be impossible for dd to change school in her gcse year. It’s sad that she’s having to think about a new sixth form as she loves her school.

The teachers are aware and dd has a lot of support. Teachers know her well and are appalled she’s in this situation. The girls who are leading this are very intelligent, arrogant and opinionated, the teachers suspect they will simply say that don’t have to be friends with dd. I am sure they will deny spreading rumours etc.

The thing is we don’t know what the school can do. We are on half term now but the idea of dd going back to school with no friends and having to hide away is heart breaking.
If anyone has any ideas of how school could manage this we would love your advice.
The only thing dd has come up with is to pretend that she’s bi.

I am so sorry to hear of your girls that have gone through similar, I can already see how this could have a lasting effect on dd.

OP posts:

OppressingBlack · 13/10/2021 21:06

Go above the head of year, direct to the Safeguarding lead. Follow phone call up with email copying in the head teacher outlining you want this issue sorted ASAP due to the mental health of your DD answer the impact this will have on her GCSE performance.... They'll soon do something about it. If not then definitely governors and then ofsted. Is it possible she can get a lunch pass to come home at lunchtimes?

OppressingBlack · 13/10/2021 21:09

Your DD needs to hold her head high and rise above the infancy of these bullies. It is so tough for her especially in her GCSE year but she can do it and she will survive as long as she keeps talking to you and school. Get through and get out xxx

OppressingBlack · 13/10/2021 21:11

Get her to go to clubs (anything and everything, even if she's not much interest i.e. Cadets, scouts, whatever) outside of school to make fast quick new friends if possible xxx

OppressingBlack · 13/10/2021 21:13

See if school are willing for her to have a couple of sixth formers mentor her at lunch time so she has somewhere to go and escape xx

Marelle · 13/10/2021 21:22

The school can keep your DD safe and prevent her being attacked, but they can’t force the other pupils to be friends with her. All you can do is get her through the next 9 months and then move her to a different school or college for A-levels.

What you can do is make sure she has friends outside of school so she’s not totally isolated. Get her into some sort of hobby on evenings and weekends. Amateur theatre is usually a good shout because it’s easy to make friends. You also need to make sure she’s not standing in a corner of the playground alone and crying - this is where the school can help, they might let her sit in a classroom at break time and eat her packed lunch in there. Your other option is to keep her at home and get the school to send work for her.

OppressingBlack · 13/10/2021 21:27

Tell her that as shit as it is. They are helping her become so much greater than they ever will be. They're helping her dig deep, develop strength, perseverance, self respect, motivation to succeed and bloom into something truly wonderful. When or if she comes across this in the work place in the future she'll fly through the experience like water of a ducks back as she's been through it before and they're will fall flat on their faces and crumble xxx

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 21:29

Exclusion is bullying so the school can choose to deal with their behaviour as bullying.

Bellyups · 13/10/2021 21:34

I feel so sad for your poor daughter (and you).
Sadly, the reasons why these horrible kids have excluded her seem to be quite common these days. It’s disgusting, and a bullying punishment for anyone they deem as ‘gender conformists’.
I wonder if one day they’ll see the irony in these actions.
Anyway, I would seriously consider whether staying at that school is in her best interests. Is there any possibility of home schooling with a tutor?

tootiredtospeak · 13/10/2021 21:36

The school need to deal with this seriously and quickly not fuck around having a think about it. They need each individual girl in with their parents to explain they have a zero tolerance rule to bullying. They need to be clear and you need to push that this is bullying and social exclusion. If she user the wrong pro noun and apologised that's it end of story. They cant make anyone be friends but they are spreading malicious gossip and it needs the school to come down hard.

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 21:38

I agree with too tired, my eldests school was very clear that sort of behaviour was bullying and would be dealt with accordingly including exclusion.

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