Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Collective bullying to isolate my dd15

69 replies

Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 10:22

Dd15 has had the same group of friends for many years, they’re a fairly quiet, academic group. At the end of last term they sat her down and explained they did not want to be her friend. She had no idea this was going to happen. It was to do with gender issues. They accused dd of being unsupportive. This is odd as she’s supportive and kind.

Dd received some horrible texts and she tried to explain and apologise. I contacted some parents but they said at 15 the girls needed to sort it out themselves. Dd had a very lonely summer.

In September dd had to make new friends at school. She’s been successful to join new friendship groups but then they have listened to the rumours and said that they will no longer sit with dd. This has happened a few times with different groups of girls.

She now has no friends at all and is on her own at break and lunch. It is like the year group are encouraging each other to isolate her.

Dd is devastated. She has never had friendship issues before as she’s avoided dramas by being non judgmental and considerate.

It’s a good school we chose it as it has a sixth form that dd would attend but now she sees her only option is to leave. It’s difficult for us to persuade her to go to school each day.
We would very much appreciate any advice for dd and also suggestions as to what the school could do to help her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 21:46

@OppressingBlack@Marelle
Thank you for your good advice. It’s kind of what we’re doing, dd realises she needs to focus on herself… new hairstyle, new clothes, fitness and out of school activities. A drama group is a good idea to investigate.

She’s trying to hold her head high, to smile, join in conversations if she can (often blanked) She can stay in school at lunch and teachers have implemented seating plans were possible.

It’s not enough for her. She’s really struggling with being wrongly accused and isolated.
She hates being on her own at school and the feeling that everyone is staring st her/whispering about her.

She’s saddened by evenings of no messages, being dropped from chat groups and no social plans at all. She thought they’d be planning parties and proms this year and excited about mocks and GCSEs. She’s so disappointed to miss out on school life with friends.

I can write to safeguarding head and head teacher but I really don’t know what to suggest that they do. Speak to the girls who bully her? Would this make things worse? These are top set girls not used to being told off. Speak to girls who may possibly be her friend? Or just make plans for dd to drift in and out of lessons whilst being isolated from the social side of the school day?

OP posts:
Original poster
Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 21:49

@OppressingBlack thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 21:52

@tootiredtospeak good advice, thank you.

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 13/10/2021 21:55

This is so mean!!! Tell your dd from me that these girls know nothing about life & are being bitchy and petty and your dd doesn’t deserve such mean treatment. I’d change schools to make her life easier, give her a fresh start & frankly leave them to it. I am a bit appalled the school have let it get this far! And the other girls’ parents… I’d be mortified if my kid was treating someone that badly & encouraging others to follow suit. Give her a hug from me and tell her this will pass in her life & it’s them not her xxx

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 21:55

You ask the safeguarding team why they aren't dealing with this overt bullying.

They are lying about what your DD has done and are continuing to do so. Put the responsibility back on them to apologise and tell everyone they lied and face detention and exclusion if they don't resolve they situation they deliberately created.

If they were all white and doing this to a non-white pupil would the school do nothing?? This is the sort of collective bullying that leads to suicide and you need to put all this in writing to the school and ask why the bullies are not being dealt with.

Your DD can evidence the truth of the accidental error and the apology.

user1000000000009 · 13/10/2021 21:58

@Greydaytoday ^^ This

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 22:01

You could even state they are bullying her for her sexual orientation and gender...

They can't have it all ways.

tootiredtospeak · 13/10/2021 22:01

Yes do that go to the head the governors tell them they are failing in their safeguarding responsibilities and area allowing a collective form of bullying which can have really serious consequences. You have to come down hard on them then hopefully they will do the same to these girls. They cant get away with it honestly regardless of whether you do ever move her or not it's just wrong.

Theunamedcat · 13/10/2021 22:08

Honestly the school sound shit and I qould seriously consider pulling her out even if it's home school her through her gcses

As far as 6th form goes staying put is not always the best option college's are fantastic don't be afraid to go out of area for a 6th form or college

jclm · 13/10/2021 22:13

I went through this in school and it was the worst experience ever. If she has only until June in the school, could she home school as before, and get homework sent home? No point moving schools at this point.

Oblomov21 · 13/10/2021 22:25

This is so sad. Your poor dd. It's all the rage to be trans these days. She's being bullied for being straight. Poor her. Please ring HoY tomorrow and lay it on thick, tell them exactly what you've told us here.

Curioushorse · 13/10/2021 22:26

Uggghh. The school are dealing with this so badly. In the last two schools where I've worked this would have been sorted out. It's actually easier with top set girls BECAUSE they're not used to being told off. They'd be really ashamed of being called bullies.

We wouldn't have been able to restore the friendship, mind. But would she actually like to be friends with them again?

I agree with previous posters, I'm afraid. She'll be utterly miserable and this will dominate her time at school. Can she work from home if the school aren't going to fix this? And you've got a case, because they haven't. This year everyone is set up for learning by distance. She should be able to manage it?

Strangevipers · 13/10/2021 22:39

The only thing worse than a bully are teenage girl bullies.

For some reason whatever school in whatever area this singling out of one girl always seems to happen.

It's so cruel but it will make your DD stronger !

Original poster
Greydaytoday · 13/10/2021 22:44

@Curioushorse thank you. I’ve had so much good advice on this thread we will write a strong letter to school.
You’re right she doesn’t want to be friends with the same friendship group as before. She would like to be able to work with them in class and still be friendly. But maybe that will never be possible

What she wants is the other girls in the year group who she could possibly be friends with to give her a chance. Do you think the HOY could influence that in anyway or at 15 are they too old for a teacher’s influence?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/10/2021 22:55

The HOY gets the other girls to give your DD a chance by the bullies having to admit they have been spreading lies and they've been bullying her.

fairydust11 · 13/10/2021 23:13

Op this sounds awful. I would get a sick note for a couple of weeks from your gp stating stress and anxiety to give your daughter some respite & then put EVERYTHING in writing how your daughter could be suicidal due to this and what are they going to actually do about this? Suspensions pending investigations? What are they actually doing? Possibly list the things you expect at a minimum. Say how your child cannot even go into school as she is scared and not being safeguarded and they as a school have a duty of care for this. You need to be extreme with your wording and say how you will be forced to contact the local media if nothing is going to be done (obviously you don’t have to do this, but the threat of it should make them wake up a bit)- they could’ve spoken to the whole year group about bullying, but seem to be burying their heads in the sand. Be strong - I’m sure they start taking action when they know they can’t keep placating you. Good luck

CorianderAndCream · 13/10/2021 23:36

This is awful. I became a similar scapegoat for my friends at 14 - not gender issues but things I had apparently said - it was the worst time of my whole life. Poor kid.

I don't know how to help, but I'd suggest getting her a journal (lockable) that she can write in while going through it all's to get her thoughts set and straight and... honestly, to keep her company while she's at school and alone. It helped me. But def lockable. Don't want anyone grabbing it.

There's no point pretending she's Bi. They'll likely pressure her into evidencing it.

converseandjeans · 13/10/2021 23:54

Don't get DD to pretend to be bi - she needs to be confident in being a young female who likes boys.

I think that there could be some PSHE sessions & assembly time allocated.

Honestly does she want to be friends with these girls? They sound arrogant & judgmental.

Does she know anyone at other schools? Could she move?

She needs to ignore the lot of them and stop trying to be nice to them.

I feel sorry that this is what is going on for young people nowadays.

HollowTalk · 14/10/2021 00:07

They sound absolutely awful. The power that some young people have over their peer group is shocking. It's funny that they think they are all so individual and yet they're behaving like sheep.

I wonder whether the other girls are so frightened of the powerful bunch that that's why they feel they can't be friends with her.

SammyScrounge · 14/10/2021 02:31

@MarshmallowSwede

If they are discriminating against her for being gender conforming then this is wrong and the school needs to step in.

If we are telling students to not discriminate against anyone claiming to be trans and non binary, then we also should say the same
For the straight, gender conforming students as well.

Sounds like group think and a pile on. She’s the common enemy so I feel for her. But it’s also chilling that a girl who just because she hasn’t jumped on the non binary, trans I identify as anything but a girl bandwagon is being treated this way.

If this were a gay or lesbian child we would be appalled but since your daughter is just a “normal straight” girl it’s ok to pile on and bully her.

No.. you need to address this and the school needs to make sure everyone knows that bullying for any reason is wrong.

There was an article I read where a girl who had declared herself trans explained that she was bullied when she was straight but not when she was trans. That means either the school is being extra vigilant on behalf of trans children or that trans children have formed a gang to torment normal children who are suddenly outsiders.
OperationDessertStorm · 14/10/2021 04:41

This is bullying and needs to be addressed or put on their records etc (if that still happens). They might not agree but they have to get on. They could at least let her make some other friends!

I’m surprised there’s not more to it (but also, not surprised - it’s a power trip when you realise that you can get other people to do things).

daretodenim · 14/10/2021 07:36

I also would not pretend to be bi as they'll just say she's faking and they'll be worse. Even if she came out as lesbian and dated a girl they'd still be on her case.

The school needs to address this across the year group (and school). The behaviour is unacceptable regardless of the reason. The school needs to stop this because she can leave, but there'll be someone after her. This group is being given an extraordinary amount of power over everyone - including the teachers. Once someone is labelled transphobic, there's nothing they can do to argue they're not. There's no amount of apologising that can undo it. And it makes them social pariahs, because anybody who associates with them is labelled transphobic too.

Teachers can also be labelled transphobic and it can impact their jobs..as I'm betting the teachers are aware. This is why dealing with it needs to be a school-led and entirely focussed on the actions of bullying. As such you are likely going to need to raise this higher. A form tutor is unlikely going to feel able to address this, which is why it's not been addressed and the bullies' work is actually being perpetrated by the school in giving her "a safe space" to eat lunch: in isolation!

The power of these bullies has the entire year running scared - want to bet nobody wants to say a wrong pronoun by mistake in case they end up being treated like your daughter - and the school is showing them that nobody can counter them, even adults in charge. It's ludicrous.

If I were you I'd also post this in the feminism sex and gender page because there are lots of women there who've dealt with schools on similar issues.

OppressingBlack · 14/10/2021 10:29

@Greydaytoday in your letter demand that all the girls involved have an intervention around a table with the safeguarding lead and head teacher to set everything right. They need to speak and say what happened, your daughter then needs to speak her side of the story and all parties agree away forward chaired by the HT and safeguarding lead. If things still don't get better,rumours continue then there are strict sanctions for those girls like detention, isolation and exclusion. Write this demand asap copying in governors and end with a threat about next step being Ofsted.

OppressingBlack · 14/10/2021 10:31

I teach Xx

nomoneytreehere · 14/10/2021 13:28

Your poor daughter. What wet blanket inconsiderate these girls parents are. I would move her 100% though, which isn't fair but you need to protect her mental health.

Schools tiptoe around this sort of thing but the effect is so terrible on those bullied.