Collective bullying to isolate my dd15

[Greydaytoday]

Dd15 has had the same group of friends for many years, they’re a fairly quiet, academic group. At the end of last term they sat her down and explained they did not want to be her friend. She had no idea this was going to happen. It was to do with gender issues. They accused dd of being unsupportive. This is odd as she’s supportive and kind.

Dd received some horrible texts and she tried to explain and apologise. I contacted some parents but they said at 15 the girls needed to sort it out themselves. Dd had a very lonely summer.

In September dd had to make new friends at school. She’s been successful to join new friendship groups but then they have listened to the rumours and said that they will no longer sit with dd. This has happened a few times with different groups of girls.

She now has no friends at all and is on her own at break and lunch. It is like the year group are encouraging each other to isolate her.

Dd is devastated. She has never had friendship issues before as she’s avoided dramas by being non judgmental and considerate.

It’s a good school we chose it as it has a sixth form that dd would attend but now she sees her only option is to leave. It’s difficult for us to persuade her to go to school each day.
We would very much appreciate any advice for dd and also suggestions as to what the school could do to help her.

Thank you everyone. So much good advice and empathy. We will have a clear strategy for what we want to see happen after half term. We are also looking at other schools. It would be so sad for her to leave the school and teachers she loves but we need options going forward as at the moment each day is heart breaking for her and us xx

Keep us updated OP xx

@oppressingblack I will. Thanks again for all your time and support, we really appreciate it
At least it’s half term so dd can have a break from the relentlessness of it all, she’s either dealing with teachers, trying to stay strong to get through the day, guessing how she can make friends or speaking to us about it. All whilst her mocks went on. She needs a break from it.
Have a great half term yourself. I will update when I’ve heard from school xxx

@OppressingBlack @RandomMess and thanks to everyone else for wise words and understanding.

Dd went back to school on Monday. She took some time off before half term, she said she wasn’t well. I’m not sure if she was ill or just felt anxious and crap from lack of sleep. It’s particularly bad timing, she is in the middle of her mocks and as a top set students at school she has worked hard throughout school and deserved to do well.

HOY phoned me the Sunday before term started. He was concerned dd hadn’t been in and it was kind of him to call in the school holidays. He said he had spoken with the group of girls dd had approached last half term. ( they had initially been welcoming to dd but then rejected her from the group as they had believed the rumours/lies from her original friends) HOY told me they regret their actions and they will hang out with dd at social times. They have done that and dd is no longer on her own. She is happier, I’m hoping this lasts.

HOY said he had a few leads to follow up as to what dd had been accused of and the rumours that have been spread. He could not share this with me.

He said he would speak with the original friendship group. As they are giving dd a hard time both by non verbal actions and blanking her and spreading lies to separate her from the rest of the year group. They will of course deny everything

He has promised to phone me by the end of the week with an update.

After months of this dd is struggling mentally but putting on a brave face as it’s crushing to admit how unpopular she’s become. During half term she has compartmentalised things and is looking to join more out of school groups, I hope she does as it would help her gain more confidence.

Sending best wishes to your daughter, I hope this awful situation improves, she sounds like a lovely girl.

@user1493494961thank you, its really lovely to get support and encouragement xx

Good to hear that the head of year is being proactive. Voluntary work and then a part time job saved my DD sanity. I think sadly it did affect her final results, although she did well overall. What a previous poster said is true, these are girls which are not used to getting told off and they need a shock to change their ways. I really hope the situation improves for your DD x

@clopper it’s awful isn’t it. I’m pleased your daughter found a distraction from the bullies. My dd has volunteered at brownies before and could do it again. It is a distraction but maybe she would be better volunteering with people her own age. Is that what your dd did?
I will update when I have heard back from HOY

Yes she volunteered with people of her own age so had a couple of friends who went to different schools. She has had some long sad summers over the past few years but coped much better than most with the lockdown as used to isolation.

She has a sister who is 10 years older who has been fantastic with her and has invited her to many things with her older lovely friends, so we have been lucky with that. She has just started uni and she found it difficult at first as I think she is scared to open up to people. She has also had the most lovely boyfriend for the last year which has made her feel loveable again.

It has definitely shaped her personality and made her fearful and anxious and for a couple of years she struggled to eat . I do wonder if the parents of those girls had any idea that their daughters were bullies. Unfortunately I think they will all be very successful as most were wealthy, well connected and clever. They will sail through life I expect never giving my DD another thought and be quite unaware of the damage they have done.

I think in a way bullying by exclusion is the absolute worst. If some hit her I feel she could hit them back and defend herself, but it’s hard to defend yourself from spite and being ghosted.

@clopper your post made me cry. You’re right being excluded is the hardest thing to endure at school as there’s no support from any of her peers. It’s easier to join the largest tribe and daily gossip watching how the ghosted girl manages.
As with your dd my girl’s bullies are wealthy, intelligent and connected to sail through life.
I can see how it would shape your life for years afterwards.

Its lovely to hear that your dd is happier now and at uni, I can only hope that my dd finds friends and a boyfriend who will make her feel special too xx

This is absolutely awful. I really hope the new friendship group works out for her

I could have cried reading your posts Op. I also have dds and they have both been on the receiving end of nasty little bastards at school.

Dd1 had ‘friends’ that thought it hilarious to run off and leave her all alone at lunchtime. She was very miserable for a time but she has new friends now and even a girlfriend and is really happy. She still has an eating disorder sadly but we are making progress.

Dd2 was devastated at being dropped by a so-called friend when they started high school. She started self harming. Fortunately she has other friends and a lovely little boyfriend and is happy now.

I would have said take your dd out of school but things seem to be improving for her. You have my sympathy though, it’s so hard to see them so unhappy and not be able to do much about it. The school can only go so far. Ultimately it’s the awful kids that are responsible. They may be ‘intelligent’ academically but emotionally they sound very immature. I hope you are both ok.

This happened to a friend of mine when we were in school she moved half way through the year and it was the best thing her mother could have done . She couldn’t concentrate on her exams with everything going on so while it was daunting joining a new school so late on seemed to be the right thing. Good luck with it all x

OP I could have almost written your post word for word about my DD13. She has been struggling for the past year with being excluded for the same thing, false accusations of transphobia. The same happened when she tried to join new friendship groups too. She thinks the whole school hates her, and she has no friends outside school, it is tearing me and her DF apart.

I offered to move her to another school, but she loves the school and work, so doesn't want to right now. I have encouraged out of school activities, which does help a bit, but she has no one to hang out with socially. @clopper I totally agree these girls will sail through their future lives with no thought to the pain their actions cause.

A lot of my DDs issues are caused by a transboy (it is a girls' school) singling her out to bully. She has this week repeatedly been called a 'paedo' by this boy for being friends with a boy in a year below whilst at primary school. I am absolutely aghast that this seems ok to the other children who gang up against her and join in. DD doesn't want me to report to school as she says it will just make them bully more if they are tackled about it.

Everything DD has been 'accused' of is false, but rumours go round and it is easier to side with the popular kids and exclude the unpopular one.

I am at a loss just now, but hope your DD manages to complete this year without too much sadness, and finds better friends in the future.

@bluefineliner please report to the school at this point what is there to lose? At 13 she has many more years of no friends at school.

Oh your poor DD. Children can be so cruel sometimes.
I hope the new friendship group works out and the nasty little bullies get dealt with by the school.

So pleased to hear the HOY is following up.

Consider volunteering where there is a good age range. I manage volunteers and the interactions between the generations is wonderful. No they won't be longterm friendships but it does provide the opportunity to realise that your teen bubble behaviour is not the way everyone else behaves. Something like animal rescue or a charity shop.

I've assumed your DD school is single-sex. Maybe co-ed would be better with mixed friendship groups?

My DD volunteered in a place which looked after animals too so I’d recommend that. Also the part time job at 16 gave her a new set of friends who were a bit older. ewwsprouts my DD was at a girls school too, I wish I’d chosen co-Ed as probably less toxic environment. An interesting book to read is queen bees and wanabees that looks at girl group dynamics.

The most ironic thing…#be kind and the gender inclusive message that these girl groups all follow when in reality they are unkind and exclude. I wish we could teach girls to be kinder to each other and maybe in the long run women will be more supportive and less judgemental of each other. I know there was bullying when I was at school, but it was nothing like this in its sustained nature. I’m so glad there was no social media around when I was growing up.

It makes my blood boil to read this. There seems to be a huge intolerance about gender and this bullying people about pronouns and jumping on anyone who doesn't want to be something else is completely ridiculous. The excluding is bullying as is the bad mouthing her. The school do need to come down harder on the others. However it is true that they can't make the girls be friends with her. I would deal with it and then move her. It isn't worth her being miserable.