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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is there a hand holding thread for teens who are going off the rails 😔

54 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 08/10/2021 20:00

Mum to 17 ds, skipping college, smoking weed. Caught him bringing into the house with money given to him for his birthday. Told me it was my fault as he had a shit birthday due only having £100 and aftershave, designer boxers, socks and gift card none fo which he bothered opening! We also took him for a family meal with his gf. Massive row erupted and he stayed at a friend's last night. Not had contact since. I'm just done, so done. Sick of the worrying and the self entitlement and selfish, ungrateful attitude. I actually hate him right now 🥺

OP posts:
Bonsaibreaker · 08/10/2021 20:13

As a mum who's son was so bad aged just 17 I had to get the police to take him away and not bring him back I understand how done you are.

I messed up with my first son. I have learnt my lesson now.
Second son is just 17 started with weed as they do.

This is what I do and don't do.

I don't
Give any money at all unless earned.
If he genuinely earns it he can spend it as he sees fit.
I only buy him cloths/shoes for birthdays/Christmas. If he chooses to spend the money he earns on weed thats his problem.
I dont wash his clothes.
I will cook if he's in otherwise he fends for himself.
I dont argue with him when he complains at having no money/no life. I stay silent and walk away.

This time round I have a more respectful son who still makes his own choices that I don't always agree with but stresses me out a lot less and he's actually pretty clued up.

1st son is now 19 full time job happy relationship he makes me proud. They get there in the end

Fandangoes · 08/10/2021 20:19

I’m going through very similar just now, my gorgeous boy has turned into someone I barely recognise at times - weed is at the root of that too. DH and I really don’t k ow how to handle this!!

Bonsaibreaker · 08/10/2021 20:27

Honestly stop giving them money.

DS1 used to blackmail me by telling me all his friends had money for the bus, cinema and food and he was always left out. I was brought up in a loving but poor family so didn't want him to miss out.....truth is I was paying for his weed!

I told him if he wants hobbies I won't fund then he has to. I still gave him £5 for a drinks or food but I put it in his bank so I know he couldn't withdraw it.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 08/10/2021 20:29

Thank you Bonsai for the advice. I was furious because it was money given to him by family and I warned him. I've taken his bank card off him probably not allowed to but its our money he's put in there and now I don't trust him with it. We both exchanged some horrible words. He text last night to say he's staying at a friend's I just responded with OK. We've not text since. I've been to work and just slept since coming home. Just want to sleep so I don't have to worry about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 08/10/2021 20:31

That's a good idea about putting £5 in. He's lazy too so won't get a job even. I've said he needs to go to college or get a job. And I've told him I won't fund his habit. If he uses his money he's earnt that's up to him but I don't want it in my house either.

OP posts:
Bonsaibreaker · 08/10/2021 20:37

Honestly don't worry about him he's fine. I used to drive myself crazy with worry but they never cared and were fine and safe at a friends house!

Give him his card back and be firm that he will get no more money from you unless he earns it.
He will spend what he has become skint and when you refuse to fund his lifestyle he will quickly learn. Its surprising how quickly their behaviour changes when they want something.

I put my 17 yo DS in a hostel it was that bad. He was violent beyond belief.
He didn't speak to me for over a year.
It was fucking heartbreaking.
Now he's 19 happy and constantly apologies for being a twat. He visits me buys me little gifts and tells me he's sorry for hurting me. Our relationship is the best it's been for 10 years.

I have always told my son I am his parent first his friend second.

Alfiemoon1 · 08/10/2021 21:02

Can I join even though dd is 20 she’s got herself into a controlling abusive relationship and is a total nightmare I am at the end of my tether with it all weed is definitely involved as I know the boyfriend smokes it so presume she does as well

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 08/10/2021 21:05

Yes please join and vent here. Is your daughter living at home still? It's the hardest things watching them make these choices.

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 08/10/2021 22:05

No she moved away for university spent the first year in halls then moved into a house share but left half way through to move in with the boyfriend we found out via Facebook and weren’t allowed to know where she was living yet she expected us to still fund her car mobile and food the boyfriend doesn’t work and isn’t studying
We have just paid this terms rent for the university house and because her car has broken hasn’t moved in despite me dh dsister offering to take her she completely ignored our texts

Hessuchaworry · 09/10/2021 06:31

Can I ask PP who’s teens have now turned it around, do any of yours have ASD/ADHD?

Looking for some hope as DS has a joint diagnosis. He’s 17 years old, constantly smoking weed. I know it’s really common for ASD/ADHD sufferers to end up with addictions for drugs/alcohol so I’m really fearful that he will fall too far and not turn it around Sad

everyonebutme · 09/10/2021 06:46

My son was awful from the age of 15-around 19 - verbally abusive and sometimes a bit physical too. I was on the verge of calling the police at one stage. Everyone told me that it would pass and it did. He's now a lovely young man and I'm very proud of him.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 09/10/2021 12:50

How do you deal with that everyone? With he aggression and just plain nastiness and rudeness. Ds cam home last night, no apology nothing. His bed is broke and his door has a punch mark from where he hit it during our row. He told me this morning that I basically need to wash his hat. I kept calm and sai d I didn't need to do anything especially when he spoke to me like that. He then banged the door stormed out etc. I'm just about to text him that whilst he has a bed (what's left of it) here because he's our son and we love him, if he chooses to be disrespectful to our house or the people in it then he will have to leave until he calms down. I've said I will support him if he goes college or gets a job but cannot support him if he does nothing and takes advantage of the people I care about. Do you think that's fair enough? I need to detach myself. I cannot allow him to bash doors, demand I do his washing and become verbally and physically aggressive.

OP posts:
Bonsaibreaker · 09/10/2021 13:31

O think that is perfectly reasonable.
Once I detached myself it was a lot easier to deal with. I told him frequently that I loved him but didn't like the abusive person he had become.
The more I walked away from him and his argents/demands/violence the easier it became.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 09/10/2021 14:49

Thanks Bonsai. I just can't have this awful behaviour and disrespect in my house. And him manipulating my family for money. I wish I could send him to someone else but I wouldn't want to inflict on anyone else

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 09/10/2021 16:50

I’ve told dd she will be picked up and taken to the university house while her car is being fixed and she’s kicked off she’s not being stranded there to which I pointed out she is stranded at the boyfriends house and can’t walk to university there and she should be in university. So I think that confirms that fact he was going with her no idea what he is going to do with his dog or the cats they have bought. It’s only going to be about 5 days they are apart
She was given the choice of staying where she was or moving back in to the university house so we have paid the rent she she doesn’t even need the car except to get to work which why she still chooses to work there which is 40 mins commute twice a week when there are plenty of other jobs in fast food places she’s always off sick or going home early anyway

She has then accused me opening her post and advised me it’s illegal because it had tape on the back ffs it was delivered like that I hadn’t opened it

I am a total loss of what to do we had hoped she would move back to the university house on her own to have some space from the boyfriend to hopefully see how controlling he is

Alfiemoon1 · 09/10/2021 17:08

I am so worried about her she’s lost all her friends because he doesn’t let her go out on her own he text me in the middle of the night when she stayed here accusing me of holding her hostage locking her in simply be she wasn’t answering her phone as she was asleep. She is being assessed for an eating disorder which I don’t think she has she has anxiety when she is away from him which is why she can’t eat at work he’s been into her work and screamed at her in front of everyone. Her work have provided 12 weeks counselling but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference it’s affecting my mental health and all the family

Flowersintheattic2021 · 09/10/2021 21:50

I think it's due to leaving school they go from strict to lenient. I'll def be sending my dd to the 6th form attached to her comp. But other than this ask him how you could have made his birthday better. Throw it back to him. Ask him why he wants to be high rather than having driving lessons etc

Flowersintheattic2021 · 09/10/2021 21:54

Also ask him why he finds weed helps him.
Can I ask why he isn't in school or college as he is under 18. Will be join the army - put that aggression to some use.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 10/10/2021 17:56

Alfiemoon that sounds awful. At that age they are so in love and blinded by it but to add in the abuse and manipulation too they just don't see it when they are in it. I guess all you can do is keep talking and keeping those lines of communication open. She will realise in time. Maybe tell her you can no longer afford the rent for her accommodation especially if he's living their rent free.

OP posts:
Peanut82 · 11/10/2021 09:49

Can I join?
My dd is 17 and to be honest a fucking nightmare! She's under camhs and is getting help from them. She's constantly running away, well going to the town centre until the police bring her back, in the last 3 weeks I've reported her missing 6 times. She says she doesn't want to stay at home because it triggers her mental health but family won't have her due to regular running away and taking overdoses.
It seeks never ending

Peanut82 · 11/10/2021 09:50

Seems*

sadie9 · 11/10/2021 12:27

Where's his Dad in all this?
Would he speak to his father like that? Does his Dad just dodge all this stuff and leave it you?
If he asks you to wash his stuff tell him you can show him how to use the washing machine or he can ask his Dad to wash them for him.
That'll show you the differences between how he treats you and how he treats his Dad.
When he's verbally abusive, try to keep calm and say 'it's very unpleasant for the person you are speaking to when you talk to them like that. When you are older and in a relationship people won't react well to you speaking to them they are a piece of dirt. I sometimes try to endure it because I forget that you are 17 and not 7 but someone who is not your mother won't tolerate it. I'm saying this with good intentions because I'm trying to help you get on in the world'.

krustykittens · 14/10/2021 11:42

Can I join in? We have been having problems with our youngest daughter for two years. Awful lies made up about us and other people, we have even been investigated by social services. She went into therapy, seemed to get better, then her behaviour fell off a cliff again. Lying, stealing, awful verbal abuse toward her older sister. She has a habit of getting obsessed with her friends and left in July to live with one of them. Refuses to speak to us, we believe the parents groomed her (gave her a phone she was told to keep secret from us, had an online relationship with her, having been giving her alcohol from the age of 15) and they are vile people. She refuses to speak to us at all, made a suicide attempt a couple of weeks ago, seems to have lost her part time job and we have doubts she is still living with the friend. No one will tell us anything as she is now 16 so under Scottish law she is an adult and we have no rights. We don't even know if she is safe. We contacted a family lawyer after her suicide attempt when she was admitted to a mental health unit, but there is nothing we can do unless we get her committed against her will, which is nigh on impossible. I don't think I am ever going to be able to speak to her or hold her ever again. I just feel broken.

Peanut82 · 14/10/2021 14:43

@krustykittens oh that's awful. My dd has done overdoses and self harms frequently and runs away a lot. When the police last brought her back I asked if they could keep her in the cells, they said no and basically she's my problem.
I didn't realise they were classed as adults at 16 in Scotland. My dd is 17 and social services made it clear she's my problem until she's 18.
I really hope things improve soon for you

krustykittens · 14/10/2021 16:37

@Peanut82, thank you. It is the cruelty that really gets to me. She always treated us badly when she had a new obsession, it was like she was proving how much she loved her new friend. But she blanks me in the street and sneers at her sister if they bump into each other. We are no longer relevant in her life so she doesn't want to know us, it seems. We love her so much and just want her to come home. I am so scared she won't survive this.