Is there a hand holding thread for teens who are going off the rails 😔

[Meltinthemiddle]

Mum to 17 ds, skipping college, smoking weed. Caught him bringing into the house with money given to him for his birthday. Told me it was my fault as he had a shit birthday due only having £100 and aftershave, designer boxers, socks and gift card none fo which he bothered opening! We also took him for a family meal with his gf. Massive row erupted and he stayed at a friend's last night. Not had contact since. I'm just done, so done. Sick of the worrying and the self entitlement and selfish, ungrateful attitude. I actually hate him right now 🥺

to everyone on this thread. It is so hard, especially when other people are exerting a malign influence, and you never seem to do the right thing. I wouldn't wish this heartbreak on anyone. I have cried everyday for the last three months and had a near breakdown when she first went missing.

@krustykittens It’s horrendous isn’t it. I didn’t realise that was the case in Scotland. Yes my dd has self harmed as well we paid for her to have counselling which was going well until the counsellor implied she was in an abusive relationship so dd stopped going.

I totally understand the heartbreak I wonder if I will get a relationship back with my dd dh just gives in to her about anything and everything as he’s terrified she will turn on him and he will lose her which makes me out to be the bad person even more in her eyes after the car fiasco this few weeks I doubt she will even speak to me again.

My DH has gone the other way - he is so angry at DD he says he can't see her ever living with us again. He has pointed out that life is much easier around here since she left - I admit, I am relieved I don't have to come home to the behaviour some of you are enduring. But she's my baby, she will always be my baby. To have no relationship with her at all is killing me. I wish she WAS being dumped back here and I was being told she was my problem until 18 because at least we would have a chance of talking to her and trying to get through to her. The police agree that the people she is with have groomed her but at 16, there is nothing anyone can do. A social worker who dealt with her before when she made up allegations of abuse against us did suggest that is she ever comes home we get her psychiatric help as she cannot seem to cope with social situations or navigate relationships at all. She suspected a condition or some kind of SEN. But we can do nothing. I seem to spend half my day crying, half my day angry at her but she is all I think about, like a ticker tape in my head. I am seeing a counsellor to try and cope but I wonder if my baby girl is just going to become someone I once knew.

My dh is angry threatens to stop paying for stuff until dd turns on the tears or says she’s stressed then he backs down which is what has happened this week about the car it was agreed to get it fixed and having already missed the first week back at university it was agreed she was to go back to the university house which is in walking distance from university none of her room mates have cars and we would drop the car off there dd was given the choice we would pick her up and take her or her and the boyfriend make there own way there I tell her this she refuses baring in mind we pay for the car and university rent and dh backs down so I look like the bad person. It hasn’t been discussed the boyfriend going with her i am really hoping he doesn’t

I just look at how different her life was before she met him she had lots of friends a social life a good relationship with her family money saved up was doing well at university and now because of a jobless not studying 26 year old who smokes weed she has none of that now she’s constantly stressed no friends other than his she’s broke has nothing to do with most of her family her grades have dropped she had her own horse on full time loan funded by dsister who is now being sold me and dh are gutted we looked after her but dd has lost interest isn’t speaking to dsister so the horse is being sold to the girl loaning her

And the irony of all this is dd is doing a degree in psychology but can’t spot a narcissist or that fact she is in a coercive controlling relationship herself

This sounds like my DD. Every time she has a 'bestie' she loses her personality, all her interests, other friends, everything. Anything connected with new bestie cannot be criticised and she is very suggestible. When she ran away she left her beautiful pony who adored her (while she could be bothered with her) and hasn't even texted to see how she is. Her older sister is now riding the pony as we cannot bear to sell her. I dread adding sex to the mix as I fear every relationship she will have will end up like your DDs. She always seems to be attracted to very manipulative people.

DD17 refusing to come home tells us she’s staying at friends flat (friend is 16 and estranged from parents in temp accommodation, not meant to have visitors after 11pm). this has been going on for weeks. She recently told tutor at her college she’s sleeping in a tent! Only contacts us for money. Been sending money as don’t want her to starve/start stealing? keep thinking she’ll get fed up and come home. have no idea where she’s staying. Don’t know what to do for best?

How's everyone getting on?
Had to report DD missing again last night, police brought her and he friend home in the early hours of this morning.
I'm so tired of this

Her* friend

Things aren’t great dd still hasn’t contacted me despite getting her car back she hasn’t worked all weekend she was off sick before her car broke and by the looks of things she still hasn’t gone back to the university house which we have paid the rent for despite saying she would be back there yesterday so that’s week 3 she’s not gone back so I am really not happy with her

I’m really worried about DS 16. He just smokes weed so often. I just don’t know what to do about it. He pays for it out of his wages and when I tell him I worry about his health he just says ‘don’t’ - he doesn’t worry or care!

@Speckledhem it's so hard isn't it, if it's any consolation my sister was the same at that age and has grown up to be a professional mum of two,
My dd is in a&e after self harming and her telling them she can't keep herself safe

[quote Peanut82]@Speckledhem it's so hard isn't it, if it's any consolation my sister was the same at that age and has grown up to be a professional mum of two,
My dd is in a&e after self harming and her telling them she can't keep herself safe [/quote]
Thank you that’s very encouraging to hear about your sister. You must be so worried about your DD 😕 , I hope things improve for you all

Hope your dd is ok peanut

Joining in, if that's okay.

Things here are not as bad (I think?) as some of the things people have said above but I am really struggling today. DS is 16; we still pay for his phone contract so I feel within my rights to check his phone on occasion. Did so last night for the first time in ages and found some really (to me) worrying porn and explicit chats on there.

Haven't talked to him yet, he's in college today and I'm waiting until he is back and DH back from work and we can sit down together. He's going to be so defensive that I looked at his phone that I worry the other stuff will almost go by the by.

I am quite a conservative person in a lot of ways and might just be naive but I am worried sick about him and about how this conversation is going to go later. There are probably other parents who wouldn't have a problem with it but I'm not one of them.

When challenged on behaviour or other things he often gets sort of self-destructive which scares me. Sometimes I think that in itself is manipulative - if he starts talking about self harming I go into panic mode and whatever the issue is we were trying to address gets pushed aside. Then I feel bad for thinking he's manipulative.

We have so much other hard stuff going on as a family, and the peri-menopause seems to have hit me with a vengeance in the last couple of months, that this has just felt like one more thing I can't deal with today.

I feel sick and shaky, mostly with worry I think about how DS will react. But I can't ignore it. In some ways he's also quite naive and I worry that the people he's messaging might not be who they say they are.

Friends of mine keep talking about how much easier this age is than when they were babies and toddlers. I'd go back in an instant.

I know what you mean. I constantly think about all the happy memories I have of DD when she was little, the funny things she used to say and do, how loving and sweet she was, how it felt to pick her up and cuddle her. I go to bed and dream about her so vividly its like I can feel her in my arms again. I would give anything for life to be that simple again.

@Alfiemoon1 @Speckledhem thank you both. DD was discharged the next day and she has a camhs appointment tomorrow. Every day I'm on edge not knowing what she'll do next, she frequently runs away, usually with her friend and is brought back by police.

Hope the cahms appointment goes well. Sadly as my dd is 20 she is to old for cahms. She has been referred to the eating disorder clinic which reading behind the lines of what she had said but doesn’t want to admit yet they don’t think she has an eating disorder she has anxiety ironically the only time she struggles to eat is on the days she’s working as she feels sick has reflux this is also the only time she is away from her controlling abusive boyfriend. So I am hoping whatever they have referred her to next makes the penny drop with her although when I paid for private counselling she quit as soon as the counsellor suggested she was in an unhealthy relationship

He is a true narcissist he is pushing for an eating disorder diagnosis of which she never had before she met him she had a gorgeous slim figure because he cooks for her helps to her to make meals so he’s looking after her apparently

Weed is awful. DD (19) is obsessed but can’t see the issue. ‘It’s fine, mum.’ Won’t accept that she’s got a problem. Tbh she’s at uni away from home, so no hope of my ‘managing’ it.

Justdance I am in the same situation dd is away at university I know her boyfriend does weed his mums now ex partner is known locally as the local drug dealer he smokes it while driving I have smelt it when he drives past and she has told me her boyfriend does weed with his mum so I presume she is doing it as well. It certainly won’t be helping With the boyfriends paranoia hence why he is controlling. It terrifies me she’s going to get in trouble she drove home obviously from his house stinking of it in the middle of lockdown when it was essential journeys only if she had been pulled over could of lost her license

Morning everyone, hope everyone's ok.
DD was in a&e last night after self harming, she was reported missing a couple of days ago too. It just feels like it's be never ending, she seems to be getting worse, she doesn't see camhs again for another 2 weeks

@samecrapdifferentname

Joining in, if that's okay.

Things here are not as bad (I think?) as some of the things people have said above but I am really struggling today. DS is 16; we still pay for his phone contract so I feel within my rights to check his phone on occasion. Did so last night for the first time in ages and found some really (to me) worrying porn and explicit chats on there.

Haven't talked to him yet, he's in college today and I'm waiting until he is back and DH back from work and we can sit down together. He's going to be so defensive that I looked at his phone that I worry the other stuff will almost go by the by.

I am quite a conservative person in a lot of ways and might just be naive but I am worried sick about him and about how this conversation is going to go later. There are probably other parents who wouldn't have a problem with it but I'm not one of them.

When challenged on behaviour or other things he often gets sort of self-destructive which scares me. Sometimes I think that in itself is manipulative - if he starts talking about self harming I go into panic mode and whatever the issue is we were trying to address gets pushed aside. Then I feel bad for thinking he's manipulative.

We have so much other hard stuff going on as a family, and the peri-menopause seems to have hit me with a vengeance in the last couple of months, that this has just felt like one more thing I can't deal with today.

I feel sick and shaky, mostly with worry I think about how DS will react. But I can't ignore it. In some ways he's also quite naive and I worry that the people he's messaging might not be who they say they are.

Friends of mine keep talking about how much easier this age is than when they were babies and toddlers. I'd go back in an instant.

I wouldn't tell your ds you looked at his phone as the relationship is likely to break down completely. Keep in mind the things you read and bring it into conversation eg l was listening to this on the radio and said how teens are getting themselves into trouble by.....then say l would hate you to get into any of that stuff as it will ruin your life...keep a conversation going. My ds said an interesting thing to me as an older teen.. " Seems to me lads don't go too far away from what their parents believe in the end" ..reassured me a lot. So don't panic just focus on keeping the whole family relationship going..l think and mine are grown up now. My other ds was a holy terror as a teenager ..weed, alcohol to dangerous levels, school absenteeism, crazy company..l could go on. It was a nightmare. He is now in a steady job, own car, lovely gf, good friends so hang in there everyone. Always keep an open door, but no money handouts in spite of immense pressure. And yes he has ADHD for those who wondered. As a teen with raging hormones it is a terrifying combination but settles eventually.

@junebirthdaygirl

Thanks, that's actually so reassuring. I did tell him I'd looked (he knows that checking his phone is something we do while we still pay for it - I'd just been doing it less and less frequently as he gets more independent), and actually although it was tough he didn't do any of the stuff I was worried about, which I think is a sign that he's getting more mature.

There is so much other stuff going on that I think I tend to catastrophise; I'm worried about him for so many reasons but fundamentally there are times when I feel like we none of us have much of a relationship any more. On better days I don't think that's true but it doesn't feel like there have been so many better days lately.

That was great you got through that. Just start each day afresh, nice dinners, home comforts and keep letting go of stuff that happens and he will come through.

My daughter now has an Vulnerable Adult Protection Order on her now, thanks to the recommendation by the police. I hope it means they were able to remove her from the house she was staying in. I have no idea if she is getting help or not, I don't know where she is living. I really can't cope with this. I wish she was home, no matter how badly she was behaving.

DS2 is 15, past 2 years going in the wrong direction culminating in today I was sent a doorbell screen shot on social media of someone in a balaclava attempting to steal a motorbike in broad daylight... looking 95% like him 😞. He denies it of course.

It's this plus recently finding bolt cutters hidden in his bedroom, learning to pick locks, generally hanging out with the ' wrong' group known for theft and being a little sh*t who doesn't seem to care about anything or anyone. Weed smoking is increasing. If it looks and sounds like a duck, it probably is a duck....

Have tried hands off with boundaries, threats, talking, encouraging him to find new outlets, supporting at school and taking important stuff away like wifi, phone and Xbox... none of the above seem to be working.

Tempted to report him but know that would be the death nell for our relationship.

Most frustrating thing is I can't keep him in the house and he appears to have no respect for us or anyone else.

One saving grace is he's mostly engaged at school. Any advice or support welcome.