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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 Year Old Daughter Attitude

65 replies

ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 19:30

Im struggling at the minute with my just turned 13 year old daughter who is in Year 8 at high school and her attitude/disrespect.

Couple of incidents I asked her to get her glasses case for school she replied "no I will just take them in my pocket" which resulted in me having to ask multiple times to the point I took her phone off her and told her she wasn't going out that evening her response "yes I am".

Her birthday meal yesterday had a friend to sleep over took a few of them out etc. Stayed at my house after meal until around 10.30pm.

Today they were all playing out. I was in the back garden and then realised when in the house she and 5 of her friends were upstairs without her asking. I shouted her downstairs she said "why" then "no" until she finally came down.

I asked her firstly why she didn't ask if they could all come in and secondly for them to leave as it was teatime need to sort showers etc for school.

She kicked off saying don't speak to me, you're tight, you go and tell them to leave. Refused to come and say goodbye to the 1 friend that had slept over and was being picked up by her parents.

Im at my wits end. My parents view is very old school basically saying she needs a smack like we got when we was younger but I dont agree and I've never smacked her. My parents saying she has a total lack of respect for me and my daughter even states "my mum doesn't smack me". My parents stating I need to nip it in the bud now.

I'm feeling stressed and dreading the next few years.

OP posts:
JaninesEyePatch · 26/09/2021 19:34

Not even sure where to begin with this....... apart from to ask if you've ever encountered teenagers before?

Orangejuicemarathoner · 26/09/2021 19:36

you need to have a firm and predictable system of discipline in place- no, of course don't smack her. But she needs firm boundaries, sanctions and consistency

Schmoozer · 26/09/2021 19:39

Well …
She’s growing up and needs to feel some control of her life but still requires parenting - so it’s tough to navigate!
A snack is NEVER going to progress her respect for you or her behaviour, she is just going to resent you.
Did she feel u humiliated her in front of friends ?
Challenging her about not asking permission for her friends to come into the house ?

Teenagers are very sensitive to feeling ridiculed in front of peers, so challenging her out of earshot of them would be less embarrassing for her and she’s likely to respond to you more positively

Profilejacket · 26/09/2021 19:43

I’m not really sure that she’s done anything that bad?! Maybe I’m too lenient but I’d have let all those things go-id have asked her to take her glasses case in her bag and if they got broken she’d be paying for them
10:30 for a birthday weekend isn’t that late
And I wouldn’t mind if her friends came in the house 🤷🏼‍♀️

Profilejacket · 26/09/2021 19:45

Worst of that is not saying bye to her friend

OrangeTortoise · 26/09/2021 19:48

I don't get the bit about her glasses? It's her responsibility to take her glasses to school. No need for you to ask her multiple times.

Definitely don't smack her! That won't help at all.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 19:50

@JaninesEyePatch

Not even sure where to begin with this....... apart from to ask if you've ever encountered teenagers before?
No never. She is my only child
OP posts:
Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 19:51

@Schmoozer

Well … She’s growing up and needs to feel some control of her life but still requires parenting - so it’s tough to navigate! A snack is NEVER going to progress her respect for you or her behaviour, she is just going to resent you. Did she feel u humiliated her in front of friends ? Challenging her about not asking permission for her friends to come into the house ?

Teenagers are very sensitive to feeling ridiculed in front of peers, so challenging her out of earshot of them would be less embarrassing for her and she’s likely to respond to you more positively

I did challenge her separately. I brought her downstairs on her own.
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Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 19:52

@OrangeTortoise

I don't get the bit about her glasses? It's her responsibility to take her glasses to school. No need for you to ask her multiple times.

Definitely don't smack her! That won't help at all.

I will never smack her. Never have done never will do. That's my parents line of thinking very old school.
OP posts:
Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 19:54

@Profilejacket

I’m not really sure that she’s done anything that bad?! Maybe I’m too lenient but I’d have let all those things go-id have asked her to take her glasses case in her bag and if they got broken she’d be paying for them 10:30 for a birthday weekend isn’t that late And I wouldn’t mind if her friends came in the house 🤷🏼‍♀️
My point is they were all in until late last night. I do not mind whatsoever about her friends being in the house she always has friends over its just she took 5 of them upstairs including boys who were okay fighting and banging around, it was teatime and I wanted to have tea showers etc for school.

I dont think its unfair to ask them to go and play out. M

OP posts:
mediciempire · 26/09/2021 19:55

i don't think she has a total lack of respect for you at all! i think she's pushing her boundaries and you do need to pull her up on it but she's done nothing smackworthy.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 20:00

@mediciempire

i don't think she has a total lack of respect for you at all! i think she's pushing her boundaries and you do need to pull her up on it but she's done nothing smackworthy.
No I agree I will never smack her, never have done never will do.

I was wondering what others do with regards to the way of speaking to their parents I.e. the shut up, sshhhing me, telling me I'm tight, slamming doors, refusing to do as asked etc.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 26/09/2021 20:00

Your kid has to ask to take her friends to what I assume was her room? If they were in yours or someone else’s fair enough, but wow.

Pick your battles, it sounds like you’re suffocating her.

The glasses case, fair enough, but in the presence of such defiance, she would have to pay if they got broken.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 20:01

@OrangeTortoise

I don't get the bit about her glasses? It's her responsibility to take her glasses to school. No need for you to ask her multiple times.

Definitely don't smack her! That won't help at all.

She was taking her glasses as she had her contact lenses in but I wanted her to put her glasses in her case so they wouldn't get broken and she refused to do so.

Then when I said she wasn't going out that evening it was "yes I am, yes I am."

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Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 20:03

@Billybagpuss

Your kid has to ask to take her friends to what I assume was her room? If they were in yours or someone else’s fair enough, but wow.

Pick your battles, it sounds like you’re suffocating her.

The glasses case, fair enough, but in the presence of such defiance, she would have to pay if they got broken.

Well when there was 6 of them coming in including boys yes I suppose I would expect her to say Mum is it okay if we all come in for a bit?

I was right it ended in the boys play fighting with one of them getting hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 20:04

@Billybagpuss

Your kid has to ask to take her friends to what I assume was her room? If they were in yours or someone else’s fair enough, but wow.

Pick your battles, it sounds like you’re suffocating her.

The glasses case, fair enough, but in the presence of such defiance, she would have to pay if they got broken.

Pay with what? She's 13 she doesn't have any income.
OP posts:
KeyErro · 26/09/2021 20:06

Honestly, from the examples you give, she doesn't sound difficult and you sound pretty unreasonable.

Billybagpuss · 26/09/2021 20:08

Sorry cross posted. It’s probably worth agreeing rules before friends visit.

The way she’s speaking to you, you need consistent sanctions. She needs you, she needs WiFi, she needs lifts to town all of those things only happen if you decide they will.

But most importantly try and keep the lines of communication open. Car journeys are good for that (assuming you can find fuel) ask her if everything is ok, give her chance to talk.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 20:08

@KeyErro

Honestly, from the examples you give, she doesn't sound difficult and you sound pretty unreasonable.
In what way? So were do you draw the line in letting them speak to you like something on the bottom of your shoe? As that what I seem to get day in day out and refusal to do absolutely anything
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RomainingCalm · 26/09/2021 20:09

Have a look at the book 'Get out of my life. But first take me and Alex to town'. I bought it after a recommendation on here and it completely changed my approach. I've recommended it to lots of other parents of teenagers - lots of practical and sensible advice.

Sleepinghyena · 26/09/2021 20:11

I also agree with pp, why was it a problem she had taken her friends to her bedroom? She should not have to ask to do this.
Much of this behaviour is normal teen stuff. Of course, rudeness does need challenging and boundaries need to be firmly and consistently applied.
But it does sound like you are overly controlling of her. She shouldn't need to ask permission to take friends to her room.

Gizmo98765 · 26/09/2021 20:13

Pick your battles and hold onto your hat this is only likely to be the very beginning.

My DD is now 16 and this is nothing compared to her behaviour from 13-16. At times she can be absolutely horrid especially towards me.

If you don’t feel comfortable with the other kids coming in or her having friends in her home and yours either look the door and leave the key in it so she has to ring the bell or knock at the door so you are aware who she is coming in and with whom or far better to speak to her calmly and say you don’t mind her having friends round but in future please could you come and say hello with your friends and ask if its ok if me and friends go into my room or go into the living room in the garden etc. She won’t want to appear babified in front of her friends. Ignore your parents its blooming hard work parenting teenagers these days with social media, the pandemic, academic pressures, never mind hormones thrown into the mix.

LynetteScavo · 26/09/2021 20:17

With the glasses I would have explained if she didn't use a case they might get broken. If I had to get a replacement place because they did get broken I wouldn't be paying any extra over the NHS voucher, and I wouldn't be paying for contacts. It wouldn't occur to me to link that to her not going out later, and starting a war.

If I didn't want the friends in the house I'd ask them to leave.

It hard to know what she's done wrong, apart from speak rudely. In which case you ask her not to speak to you like that, as that's not the way you speak to each other in your family.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 20:21

@Sleepinghyena

I also agree with pp, why was it a problem she had taken her friends to her bedroom? She should not have to ask to do this. Much of this behaviour is normal teen stuff. Of course, rudeness does need challenging and boundaries need to be firmly and consistently applied. But it does sound like you are overly controlling of her. She shouldn't need to ask permission to take friends to her room.
Okay so you would just allow your child to take however many friends they wanted into your house without asking and let them mess about and play fight making lots of noise and one of them getting hurt and it wouldn't matter?

I'm not saying she has to ask for permission to go in her room but for 6 of them to come in. Yes.

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Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 20:22

@RomainingCalm

Have a look at the book 'Get out of my life. But first take me and Alex to town'. I bought it after a recommendation on here and it completely changed my approach. I've recommended it to lots of other parents of teenagers - lots of practical and sensible advice.
Thank you for the recommendation I will have a look at that.
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