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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 Year Old Daughter Attitude

65 replies

ParryHotter85 · 26/09/2021 19:30

Im struggling at the minute with my just turned 13 year old daughter who is in Year 8 at high school and her attitude/disrespect.

Couple of incidents I asked her to get her glasses case for school she replied "no I will just take them in my pocket" which resulted in me having to ask multiple times to the point I took her phone off her and told her she wasn't going out that evening her response "yes I am".

Her birthday meal yesterday had a friend to sleep over took a few of them out etc. Stayed at my house after meal until around 10.30pm.

Today they were all playing out. I was in the back garden and then realised when in the house she and 5 of her friends were upstairs without her asking. I shouted her downstairs she said "why" then "no" until she finally came down.

I asked her firstly why she didn't ask if they could all come in and secondly for them to leave as it was teatime need to sort showers etc for school.

She kicked off saying don't speak to me, you're tight, you go and tell them to leave. Refused to come and say goodbye to the 1 friend that had slept over and was being picked up by her parents.

Im at my wits end. My parents view is very old school basically saying she needs a smack like we got when we was younger but I dont agree and I've never smacked her. My parents saying she has a total lack of respect for me and my daughter even states "my mum doesn't smack me". My parents stating I need to nip it in the bud now.

I'm feeling stressed and dreading the next few years.

OP posts:
barnanabas · 27/09/2021 11:18

I think you've had quite a hard time on here, as well as some useful advice (and good book recommendations).

I think the not coming down to say goodbye to the sleepover friend is rude, and I would pull up my kids on that.

I personally wouldn't mind a group of my kid's friends coming in the house without them checking it was OK, though I'd feel comfortable saying they had to leave in 10 minutes if that was what worked for our family at the time.

The important thing is to work out your boundaries though - if you're not happy with people coming in unexpectedly, I think that's fine and your daughter should respect that boundary. As you have been doing, it's worth looking at the messages you grew up with and the extent to which you want to use or differ from your parents' approach.

I'm having a hard time with the way my 13 year old interacts with the rest of the family at the moment - she can be very rude and (verbally) aggressive. I'm trying to always calmly let her know that it isn't acceptable and I won't engage with her while she's doing it. Given space, she will usually calm down and apologise. For me, the priorities are reiterating to her and my other teens that it is unpleasant behaviour, trying not to back her into corners where she lashes out even more or get into a shouting match myself, let her know that she is loved anyway and that we will get through it.

My parents are very much of the 'rod for your own back', 'don't stand for it' school of parenting. I don't feel as though that is helpful, because I also want to support her emotionally and build her self-esteem. I'm doing my best, even if it's not perfect, and not what someone else would do. That's all you can do, really.

Newgirls · 27/09/2021 11:21

Yes I think a lot of us learned unhappy behaviours from our own parents. Thankfully we are here swapping tips!

AnnaSW1 · 27/09/2021 12:44

She shouldn't be rude, but really you need to pick your battles. I wouldn't be choosing these really.

Ozanj · 27/09/2021 12:55

It really doesn’t matter how other parents parent their 13 yo or what some book says. You need to parent the child you have and a key part of this is mutual trust and letting some things go (chasing her about glasses, banning her friends from going upstairs without permission & then embarrassing her when they’re there to prove a point are all ridiculous examples of parenting). I guarantee if you keep this going then when she’s 15/16 she won’t want to spend any time with you & then you will lose all control over her.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 27/09/2021 13:37

I think this is pretty normal behaviour for a teen, as in a bit rude and disrespectful but nothing out of the ordinary - you definitely need to develop some strategies of how to deal with her more effectively otherwise not much will change.
I think agreeing some rules around what is a respectful way to talk to each other (ie not shouting up or down stairs), some consequences for misbehaviour, giving her warnings and also the chance to take some responsibility and make her own choices (like with the glasses case).
With the rowdy friends in the room? I would have gone up stairs and addressed them all directly, given them a chance to calm things down and a time limit for when they had to leave. Then another day, agree the boundaries around when it's ok to have friends over, what to ask permission for, what kind of behaviour is acceptable in your house.
It's time for a different approach to parenting as they start growing up into adults who need to make their own decisions, and learn respect for others. But they need us to show respect to them too.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 27/09/2021 13:42

@Ozanj

It really doesn’t matter how other parents parent their 13 yo or what some book says. You need to parent the child you have and a key part of this is mutual trust and letting some things go (chasing her about glasses, banning her friends from going upstairs without permission & then embarrassing her when they’re there to prove a point are all ridiculous examples of parenting). I guarantee if you keep this going then when she’s 15/16 she won’t want to spend any time with you & then you will lose all control over her.
Have you read any of the post at all? Seriously before having a go?

Im absolutely sick of this on Mumsnet we're people make assumptions instead of reading the thread!!

I didn't ban her friends for coming in, and I DID NOT embarrass her in front of her friends! I had a word with her on her own in private!!!

Read first before making assumptions and then comment to put someone else down who is seeking advice!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 27/09/2021 13:46

@Ozanj

It really doesn’t matter how other parents parent their 13 yo or what some book says. You need to parent the child you have and a key part of this is mutual trust and letting some things go (chasing her about glasses, banning her friends from going upstairs without permission & then embarrassing her when they’re there to prove a point are all ridiculous examples of parenting). I guarantee if you keep this going then when she’s 15/16 she won’t want to spend any time with you & then you will lose all control over her.
AND calling me a ridiculous Parent???

Way to go for affecting someone's mental health who is already suffering and just seeking some help from other parents as I am new to parenting a teen!!

Absolutely brilliant, give yourself a pat on the back.

OP posts:
neonjumper · 27/09/2021 13:54

You're coming across as very rude. I suspect your daughter is somewhat mirroring the way you talk to others .

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 27/09/2021 13:57

@neonjumper

You're coming across as very rude. I suspect your daughter is somewhat mirroring the way you talk to others .
How? How am I coming across rude by explaining what actually happened? Please tell me? Because I am not being rude at all
OP posts:
Justkeepleft · 27/09/2021 14:11

I have always met attitude with " try again".
It gives them a chance to reword and adjust what they want to say. And if still not good " try again". I remember getting in trouble for attitude and not understanding what was meant so give my kids an avenue to work out a better way.
Not saying it works all the time but changes it from an argument about attitude to a how can you say what you want in a better way that I will listen to.

I would not be happy with 6 kids in my kid 's room either.

Original poster
ParryHotter85 · 27/09/2021 14:11

At the advice of the Mumsnet Admin Team I am coming away from the post now so no-one else need comment.

Thanks to the posts of friendly advice and I will take those on board!

OP posts:
Newgirls · 27/09/2021 15:16

Best of luck 🤞 OP

ButterflyAway · 27/09/2021 15:33

What consequences do you put in place for disrespectful attitude/defiance? Simply taking her phone away doesn’t seem to work.

You ask her once, you tell her firmly once, if she still doesn’t comply there’s a consequence. She’s testing boundaries, time to make sure your boundaries are up to scratch.

ButterflyAway · 27/09/2021 15:34

Sorry I’ve just seen you’re leaving, good luck!

Shell449 · 11/10/2021 20:59

I am similar to ParryHotter and reading these posts made me think about my Parenting. I think MsSquiz had it spot on - the no fuss approach - the non entertaining of crap - the just get on with it type of parenting is great. I need to remember this.
I also realise I too “micro manage” my teen quite a bit - like the glasses case incident - I would have probably done the same thing ! It’s true we need to let them make mistakes. I’m suffering now with my 16 yr old DD still ! Her rudeness and attitude hurts me almost daily but I know I am so much to blame for letting her get away with disrespect for years. I just still feel so much guilt and am way too soft with her I am constantly reading books and trying to change the way I parent but I struggle. I am so over it but I will keep trying - one day I hope things will be great!

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