13 Year Old Daughter Attitude

[ParryHotter85]

Im struggling at the minute with my just turned 13 year old daughter who is in Year 8 at high school and her attitude/disrespect.

Couple of incidents I asked her to get her glasses case for school she replied "no I will just take them in my pocket" which resulted in me having to ask multiple times to the point I took her phone off her and told her she wasn't going out that evening her response "yes I am".

Her birthday meal yesterday had a friend to sleep over took a few of them out etc. Stayed at my house after meal until around 10.30pm.

Today they were all playing out. I was in the back garden and then realised when in the house she and 5 of her friends were upstairs without her asking. I shouted her downstairs she said "why" then "no" until she finally came down.

I asked her firstly why she didn't ask if they could all come in and secondly for them to leave as it was teatime need to sort showers etc for school.

She kicked off saying don't speak to me, you're tight, you go and tell them to leave. Refused to come and say goodbye to the 1 friend that had slept over and was being picked up by her parents.

Im at my wits end. My parents view is very old school basically saying she needs a smack like we got when we was younger but I dont agree and I've never smacked her. My parents saying she has a total lack of respect for me and my daughter even states "my mum doesn't smack me". My parents stating I need to nip it in the bud now.

I'm feeling stressed and dreading the next few years.

I think you're getting an unfair bashing here op. My daughter would have to ask to take friends to her room, downstairs fine, upstairs you ask. I don't see the problem with that. Also I do not accept rude retorts or behaviour and I will pick her up on this. They are aware of their actions and can be held accountable.

@Gizmo98765

Pick your battles and hold onto your hat this is only likely to be the very beginning.

My DD is now 16 and this is nothing compared to her behaviour from 13-16. At times she can be absolutely horrid especially towards me.

If you don’t feel comfortable with the other kids coming in or her having friends in her home and yours either look the door and leave the key in it so she has to ring the bell or knock at the door so you are aware who she is coming in and with whom or far better to speak to her calmly and say you don’t mind her having friends round but in future please could you come and say hello with your friends and ask if its ok if me and friends go into my room or go into the living room in the garden etc. She won’t want to appear babified in front of her friends. Ignore your parents its blooming hard work parenting teenagers these days with social media, the pandemic, academic pressures, never mind hormones thrown into the mix.

Yes. I have explained to her if she had come and asked or at least let me know but it resulted in the boys all play fighting running around upstairs with one of them getting hurt.

It wasn't raining outside and they could have easily have gone playing out on the park.

I suppose she is pushing the boundaries with regards to telling me to shut up and ssshhhing me etc.

@RomainingCalm

Have a look at the book 'Get out of my life. But first take me and Alex to town'. I bought it after a recommendation on here and it completely changed my approach. I've recommended it to lots of other parents of teenagers - lots of practical and sensible advice.

I've ordered the book. Thank you.

I find it odd to refer to 13 year olds as 'playing out'. That's a phrase for under 10s surely?

What do you think 13 year olds do in the park?? [Wine]

If they were misbehaving in the room fair enough, ask them to leave but just being there wasn't misbehaviour on your DD's part.

Glasses? How is she going to learn responsibility if you don't let her make mistakes? If they break she'll have to work off the cost in chores.

I think reading some teen parenting books would be good. They are a lot more complicated than young kids!

@felulageller

I find it odd to refer to 13 year olds as 'playing out'. That's a phrase for under 10s surely?

What do you think 13 year olds do in the park?? [Wine]

If they were misbehaving in the room fair enough, ask them to leave but just being there wasn't misbehaviour on your DD's part.

Glasses? How is she going to learn responsibility if you don't let her make mistakes? If they break she'll have to work off the cost in chores.

I think reading some teen parenting books would be good. They are a lot more complicated than young kids!

That's what they say 'we are going playing out at the park'.

I find it odd that is the one thing you want to zone in on.

I was more concerned with her attitude and telling to to shut up and be quiet not what context they use to describe going out

I'd let small things like glasses cases go. It doesn't matter, and she can do some of the work to sort it out if they're broken. That said, if she defies you in staying out late at 13, I'd call her bluff. Repeat that she is not to, and why. You absolutely have to be in charge of that decision, because if she decides when she comes and goes at 13,, things could spiral quickly.

I have two teen girls - well fairly grown up now. It’s time to let them say no to you sometimes. To make mistakes. To have some control over her own life so she doesn’t become some mans doormat in later years. She isn’t 4 any more. Trying to control everything will push her away.

The Philipa Perry book The book you wish your parents had read is so good. It will help you unpick how you were treated at that age and how your feelings about that will come through now. You don’t want to smack so already you are trying to move on from your parents approach but it sounds like you need some new ideas to help you do that and that book is gold I promise.

I think you are overreacting here. Surely it’s OK for your teen to have friends over in her room. Why would she have to ask? It’s much better to have them in your house than doing goodness knows what while “playing out” at the park. The glasses case isn’t ideal, but pick your battles here.

@Newgirls

I have two teen girls - well fairly grown up now. It’s time to let them say no to you sometimes. To make mistakes. To have some control over her own life so she doesn’t become some mans doormat in later years. She isn’t 4 any more. Trying to control everything will push her away.

The Philipa Perry book The book you wish your parents had read is so good. It will help you unpick how you were treated at that age and how your feelings about that will come through now. You don’t want to smack so already you are trying to move on from your parents approach but it sounds like you need some new ideas to help you do that and that book is gold I promise.

Thanks.

I have already ordered a book at someones suggestion called Get out of
My Life But First Take Me and Alex to Town.

I will also get the one you have recommended.

Parenting a teen is challenging.

@daisypond

I think you are overreacting here. Surely it’s OK for your teen to have friends over in her room. Why would she have to ask? It’s much better to have them in your house than doing goodness knows what while “playing out” at the park. The glasses case isn’t ideal, but pick your battles here.

Everyone keeps going in on the fact about friends being in her room. I DONT MIND her friends coming in! She always has friends over but the fact 6 of them were upstairs messing around the boys especially one of them got hurt and I was not aware they were in the house!!

The main issue was when I asked her for them all to go out her attitude was telling me to shut up and sssshhh and shut it dont speak to me!!

So what if you weren’t aware they were in the house? It’s normal for teens to be stroppy with their parents, especially if you embarrassed her in front of her friends. You are in for a long, hard road if this is your attitude now with a 13-year-old.

Yes I’d be annoyed by that too. But teens are very tribal and if she feels you embarrassed her in front of other teens she will find that very painful.

When calm my approach would be ‘glad you had your friends over. It got lively didn’t it. Sorry we fell out.’

She then has space to respond hopefully something like ‘yeh sorry they are so loud I knew you’d be cross’

‘Your friends are always welcome here but maybe go outside to let off steam first?’

Ok that’s cheesy but don’t ignore that it happened. P Perry calls it a rupture and you need to show her how your conflict can be resolved. Make sure she knows she can have friends over else they will go elsewhere and maybe not tell you.

I think she was embarrassed, about telling her friends they had to outside. She was also probably tired and emotional after a busy weekend.

Teens get embarrassed easy, and their emotions are all over the place.

It sounds like she had a fun birthday weekend.

I would talk to her another time, when calm, about how you both speak to each other.

Also absolutely pull her up on being rude to you, but don't expect it not to happen.

I had a "you don't speak to your mother like that" (that's me talking about myself in the 3rd person) moment with DS yesterday evening, but he had been surly all day and I had had enough.

Tbh she sounds like a normal 13 year old. If you want her to ask to take friends upstairs then make that clear now.

DS1 always asks if his friends can come round (although they are at the front door by then) , but tbh I am bit bemused as he doesn't have to ask. I guess it's nice though.

@daisypond

So what if you weren’t aware they were in the house? It’s normal for teens to be stroppy with their parents, especially if you embarrassed her in front of her friends. You are in for a long, hard road if this is your attitude now with a 13-year-old.

See this is were your assumptions are wrong.

I didn't embarrass her in front if her friends. I spoke to her separately downstairs alone.

Thanks for your derogatory comments but I won't be taking your advice.

And yes parenting teens is intense but also good fun as you see them become their own people, find new interests and we need to be the safe haven they come back to when things go wrong, friends let them down.

She will be upset at some level that her friends were rowdy in her home and upset her mum. Give her space to communicate that to you too.

It’s going to be a fun few years but worth it honest

@trumpisagit

I think she was embarrassed, about telling her friends they had to outside. She was also probably tired and emotional after a busy weekend.

Teens get embarrassed easy, and their emotions are all over the place.

It sounds like she had a fun birthday weekend.

I would talk to her another time, when calm, about how you both speak to each other.

Also absolutely pull her up on being rude to you, but don't expect it not to happen.

I had a "you don't speak to your mother like that" (that's me talking about myself in the 3rd person) moment with DS yesterday evening, but he had been surly all day and I had had enough.

Tbh she sounds like a normal 13 year old. If you want her to ask to take friends upstairs then make that clear now.

DS1 always asks if his friends can come round (although they are at the front door by then) , but tbh I am bit bemused as he doesn't have to ask. I guess it's nice though.

That's exactly what it is.

We had a really busy fun packed weekend for her birthday she was absolutely exhausted and fell asleep by 8.30am.

It was her attitude and the way she speaks and tells me to shut up etc. This isn't the first time neither its a regular occurrence.

I haven’t been derogatory! But it is obvious you’re touchy and need some help in interacting in a constructive way with people. I’ll leave you to it.

She's a teenager, she's going to challenge you, a lot! Telling you to shush or be quiet, or arguing that she will go out is her pushing back.

Im the bedroom situation, my DM would've just opened my bedroom door and said "right, everyone back outside please" and ignored any back chat from me. Plus kids are generally polite to other people's parents and probably would've done as they were told.

With the back chat, my DM would walk away from it or tell me to "quit while I was ahead" I knew that meant there was a punishment incoming and would stomp off to my bedroom while muttering how hard done by I was and how awful she was.
She just didn't entertain an argument with 13 year old me, even when I goaded and pushed!

She once told me she was taking my phone off me, so I hid it and refused to give it to her, so she cut the phone charger wire in front of me... that was probably the best punishment she could've given, even though at the time it felt like she had ruined my life!

@Newgirls

And yes parenting teens is intense but also good fun as you see them become their own people, find new interests and we need to be the safe haven they come back to when things go wrong, friends let them down.

She will be upset at some level that her friends were rowdy in her home and upset her mum. Give her space to communicate that to you too.

It’s going to be a fun few years but worth it honest

I've ordered a couple of books from the suggestions here and to be honest she is absolutely amazing, funny intelligent but also can be really cheeky and disrespectful to us as her parents with the way she tells us to shut up.

I'm also wondering what she did that was so wrong!

@MsSquiz

She's a teenager, she's going to challenge you, a lot! Telling you to shush or be quiet, or arguing that she will go out is her pushing back.

Im the bedroom situation, my DM would've just opened my bedroom door and said "right, everyone back outside please" and ignored any back chat from me. Plus kids are generally polite to other people's parents and probably would've done as they were told.

With the back chat, my DM would walk away from it or tell me to "quit while I was ahead" I knew that meant there was a punishment incoming and would stomp off to my bedroom while muttering how hard done by I was and how awful she was.
She just didn't entertain an argument with 13 year old me, even when I goaded and pushed!

She once told me she was taking my phone off me, so I hid it and refused to give it to her, so she cut the phone charger wire in front of me... that was probably the best punishment she could've given, even though at the time it felt like she had ruined my life!

Wow! That is a punishment cutting a charger wire.

A lot of my friends do this like packing away their things in binbags taking their phones etc.

I've never really implemented any sort of punishment but family and friends are now telling me I'm making " a rod for my own back" as if I don't implement boundaries and punishment now it will only get worse.

Its very hard. I don't like punishing her I end up feeling guilty for even taking her phone off her.

@Toddlerteaplease

I'm also wondering what she did that was so wrong!

It was the way she was speaking to me. Telling me to shut up over and over and over again, telling me to be quiet and sssshhh and the refusal to go and say goodbye to her friend who had stayed over.

Or is this all acceptable to you? Do you allow this?

You do need clear boundaries in place with teenagers, they need something to rebel against, as well as knowing the potential punishments when they do cross boundaries.

And, just to be clear, I probably did something awful to warrant my phone being confiscated/charger being cut. And I don't think your daughter's behaviour that you have mentioned is anywhere close to that.

Make boundaries & rules and stick to them

I agree with others that this is very minimal teenage behaviour and nothing to get your knickers in a twist about. As a parent of a teen you need a harder skin and a lot more tolerance. My personal opinion is that you pick the battles which are important eg things that damage health or are illegal. Everything else is not as important as trying to keep a good relationship between the two of you. I am having a very difficult time with my 15 year old right now, and my main focus is continuing to show and tell her that I love her and support her (even when she's being infuriating) as it's so easy to push them away at this age.

@bonbonours

I agree with others that this is very minimal teenage behaviour and nothing to get your knickers in a twist about. As a parent of a teen you need a harder skin and a lot more tolerance. My personal opinion is that you pick the battles which are important eg things that damage health or are illegal. Everything else is not as important as trying to keep a good relationship between the two of you. I am having a very difficult time with my 15 year old right now, and my main focus is continuing to show and tell her that I love her and support her (even when she's being infuriating) as it's so easy to push them away at this age.

I will never push her away ever.

I suppose I'm struggling to establish what boundaries and consequences to have and when to let things slide etc.