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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do in this situation

73 replies

Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 22:30

So ds is about to leave home next weekend for university and he is very nervous about it. But we have discovered by a series of fines that he has taken our car out in the early hours of the morning over the last few weeks to meet a girl. He has not passed his test. What would you do as consequences as he is about to leave home in a week and is already panicky at our utter displeasure with him. Feel so angry and let down by him but equally he needs our support at this time.

OP posts:
Ifeelmuchlessfat · 12/09/2021 22:47

Honestly on the info you’ve given I’d move on. Realistically what is there to achieve? Id hope he was abjectly apologetic and insisting it or similar behaviour wouldn’t happen again.

Original poster
Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 22:49

It’s the sense of betrayal though - it hurts. He was driving without having passed his test

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/09/2021 22:51

What kind of fines are they? Speeding? Parking? What I would say is let him leave with everyone talking to each other and with no bad feeling.

Anordinarymum · 12/09/2021 22:52

Has he incurred points on your licence OP. Now that would make me angry

Franklin12 · 12/09/2021 22:52

Is he likely to lose his license, driving without insurance and has he been charged?

LawnFever · 12/09/2021 22:53

Well he needs to pay the fines for a start, what kind of fines are they?

If it’s for speeding/traffic offence you’ll be asked who was driving, as he’s got no licence are you going to lie for him?

LawnFever · 12/09/2021 22:53

@Franklin12

Is he likely to lose his license, driving without insurance and has he been charged?
He has no licence.
romdowa · 12/09/2021 22:54

I'd be making him pay the fines for a start.

ANameChangeAgain · 12/09/2021 22:55

A serious talk about the betrayal and stupidity of his actions, but the priority is to be supportive.

LawnFever · 12/09/2021 22:55

@Anordinarymum

Has he incurred points on your licence OP. Now that would make me angry
And forced the OP to lie about who was driving in order to take those points? I’d be livid about that.
HollowTalk · 12/09/2021 22:55

How can you make him pay the fines if he has no money?

SnarkyBag · 12/09/2021 22:57

@LawnFever you can still lose your provisional license and be banned from driving.

If you pay the fines knowing it wasn’t you or your DH driving then this is also an offence

PepperPepperMan · 12/09/2021 22:57

Oft, I only have teen girls so I don't know about the boy side if it's even different.

My girls know the consequences behind driving without a license, drink driving, no insurance and everything else.

I don't want to come across as anything... Why doesn't your lad know about these consequences? He could have killed an innocent person?

RJnomore1 · 12/09/2021 22:58

Are these parking charges or criminal offences?

Honestly this is a pretty serious thing, he needs to know how serious. If it’s only parking he’s very lucky.

gogohm · 12/09/2021 22:58

If it's parking then he should pay you back, if it's speeding etc then he needs to own up as it's an offence to take someone else's points

nimbuscloud · 12/09/2021 22:59

What are the fines for?

ZenNudist · 12/09/2021 23:00

I'm confused. You're not propsing to lie and take the points for him? Way to teach consequences.

AlexaShutUp · 12/09/2021 23:01

Wow.

I agree that he needs to pay the fines himself, and that you need to tell the truth about who was driving the car. I presume that he was speeding? I guess he'll have to face whatever legal consequences arise as a result of driving without a license or valid insurance etc.

I don't think I would impose further consequences, but I would be letting him know in no uncertain terms how incredibly disappointed I was about his willingness to put the lives of others at risk. Utterly selfish, reckless behaviour.

I'm sorry that he is feeling nervous about going to uni, but frankly, I hope he is fucking shitting himself about the consequences of what he has done. He could have killed someone, and he is lucky that he didn't.

SnarkyBag · 12/09/2021 23:01

@PepperPepperMan

Oft, I only have teen girls so I don't know about the boy side if it's even different.

My girls know the consequences behind driving without a license, drink driving, no insurance and everything else.

I don't want to come across as anything... Why doesn't your lad know about these consequences? He could have killed an innocent person?

Plenty of people (male or female) know the consequences of things and do it anyway.

Other than to be a bit smug about your parenting and your “girls” not sure what the point of your post is.

MauveMavis · 12/09/2021 23:02

But lying about who was driving is super serious and can end in a custodial sentence.

If it is the kind of fine where you need to say who was driving you need to say it was him.

www.theguardian.com/uk/2013/mar/11/chris-huhne-vicky-pryce

Nightmare situation.

Original poster
Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 23:02

It’s a parking offence and he is paying the fines. At any other time we would impose our own consequences as well. We are fairly strict about things. But it is such a tricky time for him with leaving home -I’m finding it hard to get the balance between reading the riot act (and our genuine disappointment that this has happened so close to leaving home) and equally him needing us for support over the coming few weeks

OP posts:
LawnFever · 12/09/2021 23:03

[quote SnarkyBag]@LawnFever you can still lose your provisional license and be banned from driving.

If you pay the fines knowing it wasn’t you or your DH driving then this is also an offence[/quote]
Ah I didn’t realise that, I thought it would be a court issue rather than losing your provisional and being banned (before you’d even started! Guess that stays on record too for later insurance?)

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 12/09/2021 23:04

It’s not about betrayal or being nervous about Uni

It is about breaking the law, potential serious legal issues/insurance issues

He has to be stopped from driving at all, imo, until he sees sense and understands why his behaviour was wrong. If he has no license, gets in an accident, gets sued for injury (for £££) he’d look at very serious consequences. Getting sued for damages whilst not insured would bankrupt your family.

Make sure he has no access to the keys, take him off insurance, and halt the whole driving thing as clearly he isn’t mature enough.

That’s what I would do (mother of 19 and 16yr old)

LawnFever · 12/09/2021 23:05

@Teenagetrouble

It’s a parking offence and he is paying the fines. At any other time we would impose our own consequences as well. We are fairly strict about things. But it is such a tricky time for him with leaving home -I’m finding it hard to get the balance between reading the riot act (and our genuine disappointment that this has happened so close to leaving home) and equally him needing us for support over the coming few weeks
Well he needs to understand what the consequences would’ve been had they been speeding/traffic offences not parking - him being nervous about uni is irrelevant tbh, this could’ve had incredibly serious and long running consequences.
MarleneDietrichsSmile · 12/09/2021 23:06

Other than that, I’d be massively supportive and caring about everything else in his life