Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What would you do in this situation

73 replies

Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 22:30

So ds is about to leave home next weekend for university and he is very nervous about it. But we have discovered by a series of fines that he has taken our car out in the early hours of the morning over the last few weeks to meet a girl. He has not passed his test. What would you do as consequences as he is about to leave home in a week and is already panicky at our utter displeasure with him. Feel so angry and let down by him but equally he needs our support at this time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Teenagetrouble · 13/09/2021 00:08

Yes we have spoken about this as well. Sorry don’t want to drip feed but we have talked about nothing else all weekend so it’s hard to get everything down

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/09/2021 09:36

And what was his genuine reaction to you raising the point about him potentially hurting or killing someone because he isn't safe to drive as he isn't ready to? It sounds like he just thinks well nothing happened so, meh.

TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 09:38

Tbh I don't see why you can't read him the riot act and still support him as he goes to university.

Presumably the reading of the riot act won't take several days?

You've still time for him to hear it and make up before he heads off.

Beamur · 13/09/2021 09:45

Seriously? He's been an idiot, you've chastised him and made sure it can't happen again.
Move on. Thankfully nothing terrible happened and hopefully he is suitably remorseful.
Don't harbour bad feelings. Do the nice things you had planned, it is probably what you all need to close this episode and send him off to Uni happily.
Kids mess up sometimes, show him forgiveness.

Berthatydfil · 13/09/2021 09:46

So he’s nervous and anxious about going off to university (something a lot of his peers are doing and for which there will be plenty of support)
But he was not at all worried about the potential consequences of driving your car without a full licence ( something that’s not a common thing to do with the consequences of fines, a criminal record - which could impact on his future career or worse if he had had an accident)?

TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 09:47

@Berthatydfil true - he'd be far more nervous about going to court

Doggiedementia · 13/09/2021 09:47

He would never be insured to drive on any of my cars again and any driving lessons etc would be down to him now.

steppemum · 13/09/2021 09:53

I also have an 18 year old heading off at the end of the week.

I think that the first term of uni can be amazing, or terrifying, and I would want him to start well.

So, sit down and have the conversation. Disappointed and let down by driving without licence.
Clear reassurance form him that he will not drive again.
Fines paid and sorted.
then finish it with - let's put it behind us and concentrate on uni and sending you off well.

make sure before he goes that home is always here and he is always welcome, no matter what.

and - make sure the car keys are in your room at night.

stripedbananas · 13/09/2021 09:57

I guess he'll be a lot less stressed away from you

Just leave it, he's leaving anyway, and let him get on with life and his new experiences.

leavesthataregreen · 13/09/2021 09:59

OP, I honestly think you can separate the two by being very very clear about where your displeasure lies and where your love lies. We had a similar problem with DS who got into trouble with the police just before his GCSEs. I showed extreme displeasure that he had broken the law (he genuinely didn't realise he had - like all teens he just didn't think before acting) and insisted he take full responsibility for his actions. But simultaneously explained to him that I loved him, would support him and that what mattered right now was his GCSEs.

So in your position I'd say, 'You will pay all of these fines in full immediately from your student finance or your savings (if he has any). You will need to get a job over Christmas so you don't get into debt.
And you need right now to book your driving test. Today. Show me when you've done it. That's it. We don't need to discuss it further. Now, I love you and want you to feel ready to start uni. Let's sort out what we need to do...'

In November remind him to look for seasonal work and insist he keeps looking until he gets a job (there will be loads going in hospitality.)

stripedbananas · 13/09/2021 10:01

I drove my DM car when she was away with no insurance etc. I scratched it driving it back into the garage.
She's the type to completely go ballistic but she didn't. I guess she was just relived I hadn't t killed myself. Makes me realise how lovely she actually is. I never drove it again.

stripedbananas · 13/09/2021 10:02

I was 17 at the time

Bollindger · 13/09/2021 10:04

I think since your not reporting to the police, your committing a crime as well, so time to let it drop.
I would tell your son he needs to realise now he is an ADULT and will be punished by the law as an ADULT, he needs to think before he acts, that he needs to forward plan his actions before he actually does them.
Take a car, break the law, go to jail or get a criminal record, be refused his dream job.
Have sex, not use protection, have a baby 18 years of child support, no house, no posh cars, no holidays abroad.

SaturdaySpread · 13/09/2021 10:04

Gosh that's really hard.

I think once I'd calmed down I'd try and let the natural consequences play out. I wouldn't be taking any points for him, that's punishable by prison!

stripedbananas · 13/09/2021 10:04

Be upset, state your punishment, draw a line under it and stop going on and on about it with him. He gets he's done wrong.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 13/09/2021 10:12

You've talked about it all weekend.
Yes it's serious but you've said what needs saying.
I'd be putting it aside and concentrating on him going to Uni.
You want him to feel happy, confident and like he can come and talk to you about anything. He won't if you're still treading old ground going on about the car.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 13/09/2021 10:14

OK, from reading all your posts. It's time to let this go.
You've spoken to him numerous times, you've said all you can say.
Teenagers are bloody stupid sometimes. And you have to learn to let it go and move on. No point punishing yourself or your son any further.

This is on you now. You're the adult. It's time to breath deeply and let it go. Send it down the river! Literally visualise it floaty down the river and out of sight.

Give him a hug, tell him you love him and want the best for him while he's away and enjoy your last week together.

There's nothing more you can do.

Cornwallnewbie · 13/09/2021 10:16

Is he apologetic? Does he now understand that it was a very silly thing to do?

squashyhat · 13/09/2021 10:20

He's going to university. Not to the moon, or to a war zone. I would let the car thing drop but just leave him alone for a week. Let him get his shit together without you interfering. He's 18 not 8. He doesn't need treats from his Mummy to help him adjust one of the biggest and best opportunities of his life.

BG2015 · 13/09/2021 11:24

My son did this once, took my car out after I'd gone to bed. He was 16. He's 21now.
I knew nothing about until a friend of mine rang me to tell me her son had seen video footage online of him driving my car.
I then discovered a dent on my wheel arch where he'd hit something.

I was SO angry. His friends were banned from the house and he had his Saturday job in his dads business taken away from him. I didn't give him any money or lifts for months.

I do believe he was encouraged by a particular friend but that's no excuse. I felt so let down by him.

Luckily he wasn't caught or things would have been very different.

My son was remorseful and couldn't stop apologising. Bizarrely he went on to buy this car off me dent and all last year.

steppemum · 13/09/2021 11:26

@Teenagetrouble

Yes we have spoken about this as well. Sorry don’t want to drip feed but we have talked about nothing else all weekend so it’s hard to get everything down

if you have been talking about it all weekend, time to stop.

deed done, riot act read, time to leave it and move on.
Let it go now.
He was an idiot. He knows that now even if he should have known it before. Young people do make bad decisions sometimes. They learn from them.

Put back some/one of the special things you had planned.
Move on

steppemum · 13/09/2021 11:35

@squashyhat

what a nasty patronising post.

My ds is 18, he is sorting his stuff out himself, he is very self sufficient, has been working hard all summer to save up for uni.

I still took him out and bought him a few things (he chose obviously)
and we had a nice family roast dinner yesterday as it was last time we were all together. He isn't planning on coming home until Christmas, and even then it will have to fit round whatever part time job he gets at uni.

I am 54, my parents might still invite me over for dinner and a nice time together if I was going away for 3 months.

It isn't 'treats from Mummy' it is just families showing love for each other.

and I know from others that it is really important that your 18 year olds know that they have a safe base that they can come to in a crisis. They may never need it or use it, but just knowing you have their back can make all the difference. One of ds friends does not have this, and turns up on our doorstep occasionally. I have told him he is always welcome no matter what.

Send him off well.

lljkk · 13/09/2021 11:41

Pffftt.

Hide the car keys.
He pays the fines.
Stern lecture about how he has undermined your trust.

Agree with others you can't 'punish' an adult DC. You've got a different relationship to work on.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread