Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What would you do in this situation

73 replies

Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 22:30

So ds is about to leave home next weekend for university and he is very nervous about it. But we have discovered by a series of fines that he has taken our car out in the early hours of the morning over the last few weeks to meet a girl. He has not passed his test. What would you do as consequences as he is about to leave home in a week and is already panicky at our utter displeasure with him. Feel so angry and let down by him but equally he needs our support at this time.

OP posts:

Kindlethefourth · 12/09/2021 23:07

Am guessing Therese are parking fines/entering a zone fines as a speeding would require a NIP to be sent first and someone to name the driver

Regardless of what the fines are for I would still sit him down and tell him the consequences of driving otherwise in a licence and no insurance and how disappointed you are. Just imagine if he continued to do it or someone else's car in future what the consequences could be so you need to frighten him somewhat

Re: the fines. Pay them and tell him he will need to get a Part time job next summer and every summer thereafter and repay whatever sum you feel is doable within his means. Don't renege on it even if it takes him years at a small repayment rate

And take all sets of car keys to bed with you from now on

LawnFever · 12/09/2021 23:08

And sorry if I’m over thinking this but when did the parking fines come through?

Other offences can take a little while to be notified of and if he’s been this careless about parking what if others follow?

Kindlethefourth · 12/09/2021 23:09

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

It’s not about betrayal or being nervous about Uni

It is about breaking the law, potential serious legal issues/insurance issues

He has to be stopped from driving at all, imo, until he sees sense and understands why his behaviour was wrong. If he has no license, gets in an accident, gets sued for injury (for £££) he’d look at very serious consequences. Getting sued for damages whilst not insured would bankrupt your family.

Make sure he has no access to the keys, take him off insurance, and halt the whole driving thing as clearly he isn’t mature enough.

That’s what I would do (mother of 19 and 16yr old)

Exactly. Virtually what I replied without reading yours albeit you put it all much more eloquently

sessell · 12/09/2021 23:11

As PPs have said I would make him deal with the consequences of the fines. He is old enough to understand how many legal and moral barriers he has crossed. You will not be doing him any favours in the long term if you brush it under the carpet. He has also completely violated your trust and needs to know that he will have to earn it back. All that is separate from him starting at uni. He needs practical and moral support from you as parents for that. Just keep the two events separate. And really I'm sorry you cannot trust him, he is untrustworthy, until he has done the work to prove to you otherwise.

Anordinarymum · 12/09/2021 23:11

@Teenagetrouble

It’s a parking offence and he is paying the fines. At any other time we would impose our own consequences as well. We are fairly strict about things. But it is such a tricky time for him with leaving home -I’m finding it hard to get the balance between reading the riot act (and our genuine disappointment that this has happened so close to leaving home) and equally him needing us for support over the coming few weeks

My son did stuff like this also. He never got fines for anything but he took my car out at night when I was asleep and one night he did something stupid and damaged a wheel.

He was showing off to friends.

I had to get the wheel fixed and after that I made sure he never got his hands on the keys to my car -EVER

Original poster

Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 23:12

The keys have already been taken off him, he’s paid the fines out of savings. No point in taking him off insurance as he won’t be here but at uni.
We are livid and have sat him down and explained how bad this could have been and the risk he has taken. The bit I am struggling with is to deal with this anger I have towards him at the same time as taking him away to university next weekend. To break trust is a very brief action but to build it back up again takes time and we don’t have that time for it to build as he is off next weekend.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 12/09/2021 23:13

So multiple parking offences? You mentioned "a series of fines" in your initial post. Parking fines are pretty instantaneous, aren't they? Did he not realise after the first fine that he had better stop? He sounds a bit stupid tbh.

How did you come to know about the fines? If he is able to pay for them, I'm surprised he even told you tbh, given that he is paying for them himself anyway. That's why I assumed that you were talking about speeding fines instead.

I would have a really honest conversation about how gutted you are that he cares so little for other people's safety. His nervousness around university is neither here nor there tbh. He needs to understand that reckless behaviour that puts others at risk is never acceptable.

Original poster

Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 23:15

The fines came to me as the vehicle owner

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 12/09/2021 23:15

@Teenagetrouble

The keys have already been taken off him, he’s paid the fines out of savings. No point in taking him off insurance as he won’t be here but at uni. We are livid and have sat him down and explained how bad this could have been and the risk he has taken. The bit I am struggling with is to deal with this anger I have towards him at the same time as taking him away to university next weekend. To break trust is a very brief action but to build it back up again takes time and we don’t have that time for it to build as he is off next weekend.

I get your anger. He is off to Uni but has behaved like a child. You show your son respect and he repays you by showing you none. Make sure he does pay the fines and any rewards that may have been coming his way for good grades etc.., should be withheld until he deserves them

Good luck!

LawnFever · 12/09/2021 23:15

@AlexaShutUp fines are sent to the registered owner of the vehicle, they would’ve been addressed to the OP if it’s her car.

Original poster

Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 23:16

It was a camera car park system

OP posts:

PepperPepperMan · 12/09/2021 23:17

@SnarkyBag - such an apt name consequences are consequences.

Turns out it's parking offence, this time, ready for the next time.

I don't understand anyone not teaching consequences.

AlexaShutUp · 12/09/2021 23:17

[quote LawnFever]@AlexaShutUp fines are sent to the registered owner of the vehicle, they would’ve been addressed to the OP if it’s her car.[/quote]
Ah, OK. I clearly don't get lots of parking fines! The only ones I know about are the yellow notices that get stuck to people's windscreens. Didn't know that they could arrive through the post as well.

Original poster

Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 23:18

Yeah we have withdrawn treats that were set up for this week but that’s the bit that’s hard - this was part of us all saying goodbye to each other. It’s just a difficult week for it to happen. Any other time and I would handle it in my normally fairly strict way.

OP posts:

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 12/09/2021 23:18

My advice is to get angry, have an honest conversation, then move on.

Get it all out, then go back to normal. No need to them keep going on about it

There is plenty of time. It’s good if he knows you can be angry, whilst also still having his back and being supportive about Uni

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 12/09/2021 23:20

I would keep the treats in place tbh

But I never like to “punish” my kids as such. Very much about having it out, then moving on. But you have to do what suits your personality and parenting style

sessell · 12/09/2021 23:21

OP it does take time to build trust after such a huge violation - certainly not by next weekend! You just need to separate the two. Be clear - you are his mum and there for him, want him to do well at uni etc. But he has broken trust on a deeper level and it is on him to prove to you, over time, that he is trustworthy. I'd say for something like this you should not expect to be able to trust him for about a year at least. And only then if he's done the work. But that doesn't mean you don't love him.

AlexaShutUp · 12/09/2021 23:23

I think he needs to take the consequences of his actions. So pays the fine, loses any support for driving lessons as he clearly isn't mature enough, accepts that you can no longer trust his judgement.

He's still your son though, and you don't need to ostracise him over this. I think it's fine to spend some time together before he goes away. It isn't as if you've stopped loving him. You're just incredibly disappointed that he has been so selfish and irresponsible. There is no point in sugar coating that, and what he has done will inevitably cast a shadow over his last week at home, but you don't need to make it really miserable for him. Hopefully, he will reflect on it himself and realise what he has done.

VenusTiger · 12/09/2021 23:28

I'd be discussing the naivety of young love - or rather, lust. If he thinks a partner is a reason to get into trouble with the law, he needs to think again OP.
He's going off to uni - make sure he doesn't get into any more trouble because of 'some girl' - and that goes for any kind of trouble, be it drugs, gangs, pregnancy.
How irresponsible of him.
He needs to grow up fast. He's in for a shock next week.

Make sure he leaves on good terms though - he needs to know he can turn to you about ANYTHING no matter what kind of trouble he may find himself in, whether that's mental wellbeing, financial etc. Remind him, you can be angry with him, but he's your son and that's the bottom line.

Anordinarymum · 12/09/2021 23:29

@Teenagetrouble

Well that is the consequence of his actions. I am glad he didn't have any accidents. It's a blip, but don't weaken as he won't be half as upset as you are OP

Sightlinesandsolutions · 12/09/2021 23:45

He's committed a serious offence. The fines are a sideshow.

Have you asked him whether he understands what would happen if you reported him to the police? Does he have any insight at all into what he's done?

Original poster

Teenagetrouble · 12/09/2021 23:59

@Sightlinesandsolutions I’m not justifying this in any way but his teenage thought processes were that there would be no cars in the road in the middle of the night and he stuck to our local area. We are forcing him to think of the wider picture though - something unexpected happening on the road, being stopped by the police. He genuinely seems not to have realised this could fall back on us in terms of insurance or being sued if there was a crash. He though it would only impact him. Stupid I know, very stupid and disappointing. Feel very let down

OP posts:

Original poster

Teenagetrouble · 13/09/2021 00:01

I am so upset by it and it’s that I’m finding tricky to set aside in order to make his transition next week a smooth one.

OP posts:

Original poster

Teenagetrouble · 13/09/2021 00:02

@VenusTiger I do agree with you and it’s a worry.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/09/2021 00:06

He genuinely seems not to have realised this could fall back on us in terms of insurance or being sued if there was a crash. He thought it would only impact him

No thought for the people he could have hurt while driving unlicensed therefore not safe to drive alone?

Only considering the punishment / consequences rather than the moral issue with driving unlicensed?

That's what would disappoint me, and frighten me, the most tbh.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread