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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17 year-old won't work - hates school

61 replies

Itsinthefridge · 10/09/2021 20:19

There are worse problems I know but my DS is causing me so much worry at the moment. He wasted his lower 6th year, had a terrible report and failed his end of term exams. He seems to feel the rules don't apply to him, he doesn't need A levels, he's going to go out in the world and do brilliantly on his wits alone. His preparation for this is lounging around the house and watching videos on his phone.
I have adopted the 'keeping the lines of communication open' approach, I've been really nice and sympathetic, told him I'll always be there for him but he needs to keep his options open by getting the best qualifications possible. My DH is a teacher at his school which doesn't help probably. It's a posh public school which he would never have gone to if his dad didn't work there. Should I be tougher with him? Maybe he should leave school and get a job and see how he finds that? Maybe I should chuck him out of the house (I don't think I'm ever going to do that tbh)
All his friends are applying to uni, planning gap years etc but he is becoming withdrawn from them. He thinks he's on a different path... I feel as if I have to stand by and let him fail to learn a lesson but that runs counter to all my instincts. Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 10/09/2021 21:38

No you don’t Chuck him out he’s a minor and that’s a really reckless idea
If he’s really not engaged He can leave if he wishes try get a job
Don’t compare him to academic & whizzy nates,he’s not them this is markedly different
Is he rebelling at being at a posh public school where your dp works too?is be sabotaging it?
Actually it’s probably v pressured to be at a posh school , failing and ps your dp works there too

Original poster
Itsinthefridge · 10/09/2021 21:59

Yes, there's an element of rebelling. I thought it was a wonderful opportunity for him to go to this school but it probably wasn't the right place for him. He should have gone after GCSEs, but he didn't and I'm not quite sure what to do now

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 10/09/2021 22:04

When directly asked what’s his response?
Could he take a year out and return to a different 6th form

thesandwich · 10/09/2021 22:05

Is college an option? What interests him?

titchy · 10/09/2021 22:06

Would he restart sixth form elsewhere - a college for example? Or look at an apprenticeship? It doesn't sound like he's going to turn it around this year so not much point continuing.

Original poster
Itsinthefridge · 10/09/2021 22:26

Thanks. He wants to leave and I agree it's probably too late to turn it around this year so perhaps he should. College is an option but there's nothing he really wants to do. Up until recently he had lots of friends and a good social life so he wanted to stay at school, but that seems to have changed. I probably need to sit him down and talk realistically about the options instead of just hoping he's going to knuckle down.

OP posts:
clary · 10/09/2021 22:30

If he failed his exams I'm surprised they are allowing him to stay in year 13 tbh.

I would certainly talk to him about other options at college - perhaps something vocational? There will still be time for him to restart Yr 12 doing something he can do well at.

titchy · 10/09/2021 22:31

If starting again elsewhere is an option you need to have the conversation urgently - he'd be starting again from a position of disadvantage given that term has already started.

Elieza · 10/09/2021 22:49

I’d suggest either a computer based career (games or designing websites or somesuch) or an apprenticeship in a trade. Doesn’t matter whether a hairdresser or a plumber, get something that you can do homers with the experience and make a bit of cash.

Do you still get careers advisors or online careers questionnaires that make you choose answers and at the end they suggest what job would suit you? Worth looking into that?

What I wouldn’t be doing is letting a lazy child hang around doing sweet f all while I knock my pan in. He either goes to school/training/work or he starts doing cleaning and washings and preparing the dinner for me coming in after working all day.

If he doesn’t already do housework I’d suggest it would prepare him for life in a flat or with a partner etc so he isn’t a mummy’s boy like my lazy ex was.

It will also make him get his finger out and start making plans instead of sitting around eating crap and watching crap! He’ll do that as long as he can!!

CatsArePeople · 10/09/2021 23:03

what about military?

BBOA · 10/09/2021 23:15

Yes I’d agree that apprenticeships may be a way forward and you can do them on a vast array of topics.
College is a good option. Something like business is still quite broad and covers lots of different areas like marketing, HR etc. I also think it’s worth looking at armed forces apprenticeships. They are recruiting now for business type apprenticeships. They have to do the basic training but they then specialise .Really worth a look if you can stomach it.
I’d give him stark choices.’ Do A-levels, college or an apprenticeship or you will have to get a job and start paying keep. ‘ .
Still time to start college. Maybe DS starts his course on Monday.

Original poster
Itsinthefridge · 11/09/2021 08:10

Thanks everyone, this has helped a lot

OP posts:
Lordoftheties · 11/09/2021 08:43

I think if he started college this term he would be funded for the next two years?
Lots of my friends' children are doing BTECs and enjoying them - one will probably go onto university (which they would not have predicted previously), the others will look for jobs at the end of this.
Moving to a sixth form college sounds like a good plan.

KILNAMATRA · 11/09/2021 09:00

www.instituteforapprenticeships.org/apprenticeship-standards/? Here’s the list of apprenticeships available

Daftasabroom · 11/09/2021 09:09

I hated school and walked out of lower sixth. I was told I had to get a job. I was working by the end of the following week. It's amazing how a crap job can motivate you, I went to college after a year out and took my A levels. I've made some bad decisions over the years but walking out of school wasn't one of them.

EspressoDoubleShot · 11/09/2021 10:06

People can and do have a wobble at school and go different location and things work out. I wish him well

LynetteScavo · 11/09/2021 10:19

It's not too late to pull him out and start him on a two year course somewhere else.

Is there anything he's interested in that he could do a BTec in, which could lead to a uni course?

Bagelsandbrie · 11/09/2021 10:23

I would take a slightly different approach. I say to him fine he needs to go and get a job and start paying you rent - the same as he would if he was an adult in the real world. Show him how much the bills are, show him how much stuff costs. Most 17 year olds have no sense of the cost of living. Don’t give him any money. Don’t support him sitting around doing nothing.

Elieza · 11/09/2021 12:34

In prisons apparently they switch off the electricity to the cells plug sockets during the day so the ones who refuse to work just have to sit there not playing PlayStation and only have their phone until the battery runs out. Then they’re bored.

That makes them want to get out because being in is boring. The only out in prison is work in kitchen or wherever or doing an in-house course to get a qualification. So they do that to relieve the boredom. Result as it makes them ready for society’s expectations and gives them a trade and a future.

While I’m not suggesting you switch off the electricity, if home becomes boring he may start thinking grown up thoughts about doing something else. Perhaps you could switch off the bb during the day. Or just hardwire it to your laptop if wfh. Or change the password daily and don’t give him it until after tea. (Make sure the synch button thing doesn’t work or he could use that).

Until it’s uncomfortable at home during the day he won’t want to change. That’s why some parents have 30 year old “kids” at home not working and expecting to play PlayStation all day and eat crap bought by the parents.

SukonthaM · 11/09/2021 12:40

I don’t think ‘letting him fail’ is a good idea really, for you rather than him. That just means that within the next year you’re going to have a jobless, hopeless adult living in your house which you’ll have to support. There are a lot of options out there for him, you need to make it clear that he needs to come up with some sort of plan on what he’s going to do. Sitting at home burying his head in his consoles letting life pass him by is not going to be an option

Mybalconyiscracking · 11/09/2021 12:46

My 17yo left school in Jan and started an apprenticeship in a shop. She has spent 7 months in a menial, thankless grind and has decided to return to college to get her A-levels so she can do something better.
Sometimes you have to let them learn the hard way!

Bagelsandbrie · 11/09/2021 13:03

@Elieza

In prisons apparently they switch off the electricity to the cells plug sockets during the day so the ones who refuse to work just have to sit there not playing PlayStation and only have their phone until the battery runs out. Then they’re bored.

That makes them want to get out because being in is boring. The only out in prison is work in kitchen or wherever or doing an in-house course to get a qualification. So they do that to relieve the boredom. Result as it makes them ready for society’s expectations and gives them a trade and a future.

While I’m not suggesting you switch off the electricity, if home becomes boring he may start thinking grown up thoughts about doing something else. Perhaps you could switch off the bb during the day. Or just hardwire it to your laptop if wfh. Or change the password daily and don’t give him it until after tea. (Make sure the synch button thing doesn’t work or he could use that).

Until it’s uncomfortable at home during the day he won’t want to change. That’s why some parents have 30 year old “kids” at home not working and expecting to play PlayStation all day and eat crap bought by the parents.

Completely agree.
RampantIvy · 11/09/2021 13:09

Up until recently he had lots of friends and a good social life so he wanted to stay at school, but that seems to have changed.

I'm inclined to think that this might be more of an issue. Is he depressed?

Starting year 12 again at a 6th form college might be a better idea than staying where he is. Everyone is new at 6th form college, so he should be able to make new friends and gain some self confidence. He could dp BTECs instead of A levels.

Evvyjb · 11/09/2021 13:13

He needs to get a job. Or an apprenticeship. Preferably a combination.

Stop facilitating anything bar the bare minimum

WouldBeGood · 11/09/2021 13:16

I’ve always said mine can leave school but must get a job.

DD did this effectively at fifteen as she hated school and wasn’t academic.

I’d be very clear that he can do as he wishes but needs to earn money.

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