17 year-old won't work - hates school

[Itsinthefridge]

There are worse problems I know but my DS is causing me so much worry at the moment. He wasted his lower 6th year, had a terrible report and failed his end of term exams. He seems to feel the rules don't apply to him, he doesn't need A levels, he's going to go out in the world and do brilliantly on his wits alone. His preparation for this is lounging around the house and watching videos on his phone.
I have adopted the 'keeping the lines of communication open' approach, I've been really nice and sympathetic, told him I'll always be there for him but he needs to keep his options open by getting the best qualifications possible. My DH is a teacher at his school which doesn't help probably. It's a posh public school which he would never have gone to if his dad didn't work there. Should I be tougher with him? Maybe he should leave school and get a job and see how he finds that? Maybe I should chuck him out of the house (I don't think I'm ever going to do that tbh)
All his friends are applying to uni, planning gap years etc but he is becoming withdrawn from them. He thinks he's on a different path... I feel as if I have to stand by and let him fail to learn a lesson but that runs counter to all my instincts. Any advice welcome!

You could do what my late MIL did with my SIL.

SIL didn't want to stay on and do O levels (leaving age was 15 back then). MIL got her a job washing pots at a local pub. SIL hated the job but was told that this was the kind of work she could expect if she left education with no qualifications.

SIL stayed at school and sat her O levels.

Thanks. The advice on here is overwhelmingly in favour of him leaving I know. There are a few things playing on my mind

1. He has done a whole year of A level work and completed his Geography project which is 20% of the mark (with a lot of help from me). Because he is at private school he has access to so much help, revision classes, support from the learning support department, a tutor who does seem to care about him. Maybe he can scrape through???
2. He should have left after GCSE but he didn't so maybe he should see it through.
3. Leaving after week 1 of the Upper Sixth (which he would need to to get on a College course) seems drastic.
4. He loves football and gets the chance to play a lot at school which is good for mental and physical fitness. It's probably controversial but because my husband is on the staff we have a discount on the fees (always feel he's squandered an opportunity that he wouldn't have had if it wasn't for his dad's job, but we're going down a whole different road here!)

@Ifeelmuchlessfat it's a bit of a weak update sorry.

But if he scrapes through because school give him lots of support to revise and you help him with his coursework how will that help him in the long run. None of those things will be available at university or that level of support in the work place.

@Itsinthefridge I can totally understand your reluctance for him to leave the supportive environment he’s in. It’s a shame that most independent schools no longer do AS levels as at least he’d have the year’s work recognised.

Don’t forget though - the second year of A level is often when the work really ramps up. If he’s struggling now he may really find it tough, and leave with less than he’s hoped for or expecting.? That could be a real disappointment for him. What do his tutors think honestly?

The trouble is the timing - you could get him into a college this week probably, and he could really fly, but there’s not a huge amount of time left for decision making.

I think the majority are in favour of

A) finding out what the actual problem is. It could be something that could be sorted. Perhaps he’s getting bullied or has no confidence or is actually dyslexic or something.

B) discussion with a careers advisor to see where he’s currently headed with no qualifications and where he could be headed if he got some.

C) making home so boring (or long day of housework or indeed schoolwork with you if you don’t work ) that it no longer becomes an easy option and he choses to do something else. School or whatever.

D) financial penalty. He gets no phone paid by you or anything treatwise if he is not prepared to do something. The local pot washing job a pp mentioned would be ideal as a reminder WHY qualifications are important and that this is his life and he needs to step up and choose.

E) tell him that Sleeping in and hanging round the house not working isn’t an option. This is the start of the rest of his life.

What you can’t do is both keep doing what you’re doing. Because you will get the same results you’re getting.

So a good talk and then a discussion with a careers advisor first seems the way to go. A reality check.

a sixth form college would be a completely different experience

Do you mean it would be a much supportive environment?

I can affirm that my own 17yr old is at a school that only teaches yr12-13 (whatever that kind of school should be called). They have nagged a lot about his underachievement; I think they would do a lot to encourage him, if only he were receptive.

It is a very supportive environment for kids who just need support to do their best, as long as those kids are fully engaged with the process of how they should learn. Sadly ,DS isn't that kid. DS has a menial job he does well at, menial work hasn't changed him. He's still not able to self-organise & do independent study. I don't think any school could turn him into that type of person.

hence I am looking at apprenticeships. DS is very clever & capable, but he needs a huge amount of daily structure, being told specific things to do, ideally while on clock, not at home. He doesn't suit independent study programmes.

Unlike OPs' DS, Mine can't be persuaded to quit (!). Mine still attends college dutifully. He's got a great tolerance for difficult situations. I would find it so demoralising, he's not bothered.

Llijk is it possible that your DS has ADD?

I have suspected there's a TLA for DS that hasn't yet been described. We'll find out when he's about 40.

@lljkk College is different as it is more 'free' than school. Typically round us you call teachers by first names, only have to be on site for lessons etc.

@Itsinthefridge It is a big decision, but either he commits to A levels & working really hard to catch up (how likely is this really?) or there is no point staying on at that school. Don't get caught by the sunken costs fallacy.
To do a BTEC at college you need to be moving NOW . Identify possible colleges & courses this weekend, then get on the phone to them on Monday morning seeing whether they can take him. (DD started college this week).
As well as sports, there are courses like Outdoor Pursuits.

He is better off doing an Level 3 Extended Diploma BTEC (3 A level equivalent) and doing it well than coming out with eg DEU for A levels.

I agree with @TeenMinusTests

Just realised it is a Wednesday. (DD is off today so I got confused). No need to wait to the weekend, get contacting colleges this week!