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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17 year-old won't work - hates school

61 replies

Itsinthefridge · 10/09/2021 20:19

There are worse problems I know but my DS is causing me so much worry at the moment. He wasted his lower 6th year, had a terrible report and failed his end of term exams. He seems to feel the rules don't apply to him, he doesn't need A levels, he's going to go out in the world and do brilliantly on his wits alone. His preparation for this is lounging around the house and watching videos on his phone.
I have adopted the 'keeping the lines of communication open' approach, I've been really nice and sympathetic, told him I'll always be there for him but he needs to keep his options open by getting the best qualifications possible. My DH is a teacher at his school which doesn't help probably. It's a posh public school which he would never have gone to if his dad didn't work there. Should I be tougher with him? Maybe he should leave school and get a job and see how he finds that? Maybe I should chuck him out of the house (I don't think I'm ever going to do that tbh)
All his friends are applying to uni, planning gap years etc but he is becoming withdrawn from them. He thinks he's on a different path... I feel as if I have to stand by and let him fail to learn a lesson but that runs counter to all my instincts. Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
PaulGallico · 11/09/2021 13:22

Why does he no longer see his friends? Has something happened? Is he depressed or does he simply see them moving in a different direction.
If you are considering college then he needs to move quickly - to get funding. Once he turns 19 it is no longer free and he is looking at a loan. A job may be better. He can't just sit at home gaming. What does his Dad think?.Surely he knows what is going on at school.

Original poster
Itsinthefridge · 11/09/2021 13:44

Thanks everyone, this is all really helpful. In fairness he doesn't play much X Box or Playstation. He does watch stuff on his phone and the TV but he's quite helpful around the house and spends ages practising football skills in the garden. He's quite young for his age really. Maybe something sport related at college is the answer.

OP posts:
Elieza · 11/09/2021 14:32

Sounds good. Is he any use at footie? Could he try out for a local team or anything (or does it not work like that, sorry I have no idea about footie)!?

Would he like sports physio or something that could earn money? It’s a lot of study though and I don’t know what minimum entry stuff is required.

Or is he good at computer skills? Apparently you can earn a lot of money teaching office workers etc computer stuff.

Or something that could help him work towards being a gym teacher or something.

The worlds his oyster. He just has to realise that. And that things are going to change as it’s not the school holidays any more.

clary · 11/09/2021 14:37

If he likes football, lots of places do a two year football course leading to a BTEC in sports science - you also play footie. Mostly through local clubs and eg Leeds does one in my town (not near Leeds). Mate of Ds's is off to a good uni this year having done it.

Might need to be next year tho as I imagine it's competitive. Don't have to be Harry Kane to get a place tho.

SaltySheepdog · 12/09/2021 05:04

So ..

Ask him what he feels about doing A levels. A levels are not for everyone and often kids just fall into them not knowing what else to do. Look about, there maybe more engaging routes (apprenticeships or more specialist courses) which might suit much much better.

Book him in to see a proper careers adviser and explore all the options he could access now and also if he finishes his A levels. Give him the choice about wether to continue and start working hard or table a different route. Learning through apprenticeships can lead to proper paid work, degrees, level 3 qualifications

I would also wonder if he finds the subject areas truly engaging and if not look at his interests and what inspires him. He’s going to be working for the next 55 years and it’s important he does something he loves.

SaltySheepdog · 12/09/2021 05:08

Ok get him to a careers adviser. A level 3 sports course at college might be better. Alternatively a sports apprenticeship. Go through a careers advisor so he makes the best choices for himself.

uk.indeed.com/m/jobs?q=Sport+Apprenticeship

lljkk · 12/09/2021 08:57

College isn't for him. Help him try other things he might enjoy & learn from.

LynetteScavo · 12/09/2021 12:26

@lljkk - he's not at college he's at a "posh public school". It's e OPs job as his mother to make sure he doesn't fail, but sometimes we have to play the long game. I would be looking at getting him onto a vocational course at college ASAP before he wastes a year failing his Alevels. At least then he'll have a level 3 qualification.

RampantIvy · 12/09/2021 12:46

And the OP won't have wasted her money on more school fees.

Sexnotgender · 12/09/2021 12:54

Do you know why he doesn’t see his mates anymore? Is there something else going on?

GoingOutOutNEVER · 12/09/2021 13:03

When DS left Uni after the fifer year he had 3 choices, he had 3 months to find either an Apprenticeship, a job, or enrol in further education. No compromise, no complaining, he did all his job hunting himself, he signed up for the job centre’s Work Match scheme and got a job within a few weeks of leaving Uni so it paid off for him. Mean what you say and stick to it.

lljkk · 12/09/2021 21:21

Sorry, I'm foreign. I don't understand the importance of the differences between "college", "6th form" or "posh public school." At least not what is important about the difference wrt OP's ability to support the lad to do something productive.

the kid is doing A-levels, did I get that part right?

RampantIvy · 12/09/2021 23:08

@lljkk in the UK a child has to stay in education until they are 18. It can be the 6th form of a school, a 6th form college or an apprenticeship. A 16 year old can't go and work full time.

WouldBeGood · 13/09/2021 07:10

@RampantIvy I don’t know about England, but they certainly can in Scotland. They are effectively an adult in terms of decision making and employment here.

TheSpiral · 13/09/2021 07:20

@lljkk

Sorry, I'm foreign. I don't understand the importance of the differences between "college", "6th form" or "posh public school." At least not what is important about the difference wrt OP's ability to support the lad to do something productive.

the kid is doing A-levels, did I get that part right?

I think in this case the importance of the difference is that just because OP's son is not getting on at the public school, it does not mean "college is not for him" - a sixth form college would be a completely different experience. I went to a girls' grammar - not saying that it was anywhere near a posh public school, but a good chunk of girls left in the sixth form for the local sixth form college as they wanted to spread their wings, gain independence, get away from "you're a failure if you get a B", and start afresh with teachers who hadn't known them since they were 11.
RampantIvy · 13/09/2021 07:29

www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

I stand corrected @WouldBeGood. I didn't realise that Scotland had different rules.

THisbackwithavengeance · 13/09/2021 07:33

I think expensive private or very academic grammar schools are great if you have an engaged, clever child.

But they are shit if your child is not academic or studious as they are not interested in those DCs.

I would give your DS the option to leave and either get a full time job or apprenticeship or go to college and do a non academic course which is a very, very different environment to a school.

My DS (nearly 17) goes to college 3 days a week and has a part time job for 3 days. He is a completely different boy to the surly, unenthusiastic, school refusing child of 2 years ago.

As an aside, my friend's DS was like yours - failed A levels, wouldn't engage, just dossed around, wanted to be a youtuber etc. He's now 19 or 20, doing something on social media earning more money than my friend (relatively senior civil servant). Which has shut my friend up as you can imagine.

RandomMess · 13/09/2021 07:41

He needs to leave 6th form and get a job.

If no job then he doesn't get to do anything/get bought anything bar the basics.

RampantIvy · 13/09/2021 07:58

Can a 17 year old get full time work in 2021?

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 13/09/2021 07:59

@Itsinthefridge can you update his decision please, when you can? I’m following with interest. I have a ds in upper sixth in a ‘posh public school’ and can see how it happens, it all gets a bit serious in the last year of A levels and doesn’t suit everyone.

TheSpiral · 13/09/2021 08:03

@RampantIvy

Can a 17 year old get full time work in 2021?
Legally, children must stay in education until they are 18. This can include a job if it includes a lot of education and training as part of it. The working part can only be 20 hours a week. www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school In practice, there are no repercussions on employers who are not offering education to under 18s, or under 18s who are not taking up the education, so it’s meaningless really.
TheSpiral · 13/09/2021 08:04

Sorry, I should have said that is in England.

TheSpiral · 13/09/2021 08:04

Also I was wrong about the 20 hours I think!

Skyla2005 · 13/09/2021 08:06

He should get an apprenticeship but he needs a part time job or no money from you. How is he paying for his phone ? Cut off the money. He will soon find something my 16 year old works at dominoes 5 nights a week

RandomMess · 13/09/2021 08:23

TheSpiral

Actually legally 16-18 year olds don't have to stay in education they can work if they wish to rather than even have an apprenticeship. It's all worded very carefully but my DC left college after a term and got a full time job, no further education.