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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should I let my DD17 stay at her cousins?

71 replies

Confusedandanxiety · 06/08/2021 07:28

DD is 17. She wants to stay at her cousins also aged 17 for a week, as she hasn't seen her for a year due to covid. She lives about 30 miles away. Her parents are visiting relatives abroad for a month, and her older sister aged 22 is in charge.

My DD is quite strong minded and doesn't follow the crowd. Her cousin drinks alcohol and has boyfriends but my DD doesn't. However they both smoke weed sometimes.

Her cousin was arrested for a fight with another girl earlier this year. My DD says she is a good influence on her cousin and encourages her to walk away from altercations.

We have talked about keeping safe. Her cousin has a curfew of 10pm but I suggested 8pm before it gets dark. I have created a family Uber account, my DD has a bank card, and thought I could ask her to switch on the WhatsApp share location.

At home my DD stays indoors most of the time.
I don't want her to go to her cousins.
I have anxiety disorder and don't know whether my fears are reasonable or due to my anxiety.
I'm worried that if I don't give her any freedom when she is 18 she will go where she wants anyway.

I was going to take her yesterday but turned back as there was a motorway closure and traffic jam. But this was an excuse and I was relieved. My DD was very angry.
She does get angry with me and her older sister aged 21, and bites her own arm when she is very angry. This happens about once a month. It happened yesterday. Before that it happened when her hair was dyed the wrong colour at the hairdresser and she had a crisis when she got home. She doesn't get angry with anyone else. She has had counseling but I intend to refer her to CAMHS.

What should I do? It's not fair for her to miss out on seeing her cousin. But I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable due to my anxiety.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 06/08/2021 07:34

It's only 30 miles. I'd say she could stay two nights.

LemonRoses · 06/08/2021 07:41

Is this even real?
Personally, I think you’re being unreasonable, ridiculous even. Don’t impose your aberrant behaviours on her.
A seventeen year old can cope fine for two days away.
An 8pm curfew is ridiculous.
Tracking her neurotically is ridiculous.
She must feel like a prisoner.

She doesn’t sound like she needs a CAMHS referral (wouldn’t get one unless there is more indication). She needs a mother that considers her children’s needs first. I’d be doing more than biting my arm in frustration at your indulgent behaviour.

JaneExotic · 06/08/2021 07:42

I’d have no issue with that. In fact I’m driving my 17 year old DD 200 miles today to leave her with a friend for a few nights.

BootsScootsAndToots · 06/08/2021 07:45

An 8 pm curfew for a 17 year old 🤯

You are being SO unreasonable here OP!

You need to refer yourself for counselling and give your DD some much needed freedom.

Neolara · 06/08/2021 07:47

You really need to let her go.

Kanaloa · 06/08/2021 07:47

I mean she’s 17. Presumably she’ll be off to university in a few months/next year. If you continue to make a baby of her she’ll struggle in the future.

The anger issues and smoking weed are worrying. I would try and get her some help for this.

flameycakes · 06/08/2021 07:48

17 and you're prepared to inflict such a restriction on her like that? She is going to be gone as soon as physically able!

Kanaloa · 06/08/2021 07:48

I mean the fact that she bites herself. My son does this but he’s 7 and autistic, I would be a bit worried if my older children were biting themselves in anger.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/08/2021 07:48

Yes you're being unreasonable because of your anxiety.
I'm not surprised she's angry.

Blamelesscars · 06/08/2021 07:49

This can’t be serious?!

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 06/08/2021 07:49

I’d have bitten my arm if my mother had given me an 8pm curfew at 17.

YABU. She’s 17 - let her have her life.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/08/2021 07:49

@Kanaloa

I mean the fact that she bites herself. My son does this but he’s 7 and autistic, I would be a bit worried if my older children were biting themselves in anger.
She's 17 and has a curfew of 8pm if she's even allowed to go out at all. It's hardly surprising she's angry and expressing it in self harming ways.
DrDresaid · 06/08/2021 07:51

She's 17 not 7! An 8pm curfew??

Gladioli23 · 06/08/2021 07:54

I drove myself and my friend off for a UK holiday at the age of 17 - definitely no curfew, never mind 8pm.

Do you think it's worth loosening the reins now, if only to make the transition when she turns 18 less painful? At 18 I planned and took a trip round Europe, and some kids head off on whole gap years.

bonzo77 · 06/08/2021 07:55

At 17 I was living in another country from my parents. Let her go.

spotcheck · 06/08/2021 07:56

Let her go!!!!!

It is a really good bonding experience for her.
And yes, 8 pm is too early for 17, 10.00 sounds about right. Have her video call you when she is back in, Honestly though, let her go ☺️☺️

Mintjulia · 06/08/2021 07:56

Sorry but I agree with pp.It is her life, not yours. I know you want to keep her safe, but you will drive her away from you for ever.
Let her go, forget about an 8pm curfew (which is ridiculous) and let her relax and enjoy life.

TheQueef · 06/08/2021 07:58

She's outgrown Camhs, from your OP it does sound like you are allowing your own unhealthy anxieties to interfere here.

Macaroni46 · 06/08/2021 08:01

OP this is ridiculous. No wonder she gets angry! You've got to give her her freedom of she'll just do things secretly and rebel.
A 10pm curfew is a bit early in my opinion. 8pm is just ridiculous!

DeadButDelicious · 06/08/2021 08:03

OP, I know that your behaviour comes from a place of love. You want her to be safe. But you are letting your issues cloud your judgement here. I speak from experience, if you carry on restricting her in this way all you will do is push her away and she will bolt the first chance she gets.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/08/2021 08:05

Lol at 8pm
Seriously if someone was tracking my every move, I'd bit my own arm in preference to hitting them.
Let her go.

DrDetriment · 06/08/2021 08:07

You are far too controlling OP. She is 17 not 7. Get help for your issues and stop destroying your daughter's happiness with your anxiety.

Lyricallie · 06/08/2021 08:07

Definitely let her go. At 17 we were going to Malia and magaluff on our S6 (final year of school) holiday. At 17 many of my friends and myself were working part time dealing with people from very different backgrounds. If you coddle her she will struggle more in the future. At least this is just her cousin, you know where she is and if there are any issues you can go get her.

LemonRoses · 06/08/2021 08:08

@DeadButDelicious

OP, I know that your behaviour comes from a place of love. You want her to be safe. But you are letting your issues cloud your judgement here. I speak from experience, if you carry on restricting her in this way all you will do is push her away and she will bolt the first chance she gets.
It’s not loving though, is it? I think Corinthians has it perfectly- whether you are Christian or not.

Love is patient and kind. It does not insist on its own way. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

If a partner treated a woman like this it would be called abusive.

Coronawireless · 06/08/2021 08:16

You know this isn’t right OP. You admit you are anxious and you can see how frustrated your DD is. I sympathise with you because something about the outside world has frightened you and you want to protect your DD but she is of an age where she needs to go. You said yourself she is strong-minded and sensible and clearly very frustrated by your behaviour. Maybe ask her to humour you by checking in with you so you can sleep. I know it’ll be hard for you but it’s your issue to deal with, not hers.

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