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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should I let my DD17 stay at her cousins?

71 replies

Confusedandanxiety · 06/08/2021 07:28

DD is 17. She wants to stay at her cousins also aged 17 for a week, as she hasn't seen her for a year due to covid. She lives about 30 miles away. Her parents are visiting relatives abroad for a month, and her older sister aged 22 is in charge.

My DD is quite strong minded and doesn't follow the crowd. Her cousin drinks alcohol and has boyfriends but my DD doesn't. However they both smoke weed sometimes.

Her cousin was arrested for a fight with another girl earlier this year. My DD says she is a good influence on her cousin and encourages her to walk away from altercations.

We have talked about keeping safe. Her cousin has a curfew of 10pm but I suggested 8pm before it gets dark. I have created a family Uber account, my DD has a bank card, and thought I could ask her to switch on the WhatsApp share location.

At home my DD stays indoors most of the time.
I don't want her to go to her cousins.
I have anxiety disorder and don't know whether my fears are reasonable or due to my anxiety.
I'm worried that if I don't give her any freedom when she is 18 she will go where she wants anyway.

I was going to take her yesterday but turned back as there was a motorway closure and traffic jam. But this was an excuse and I was relieved. My DD was very angry.
She does get angry with me and her older sister aged 21, and bites her own arm when she is very angry. This happens about once a month. It happened yesterday. Before that it happened when her hair was dyed the wrong colour at the hairdresser and she had a crisis when she got home. She doesn't get angry with anyone else. She has had counseling but I intend to refer her to CAMHS.

What should I do? It's not fair for her to miss out on seeing her cousin. But I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable due to my anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandanxiety · 06/08/2021 08:18

Thanks everyone.
Yes it's a serious post. I struggle with anxiety and am trying hard to let go.

With the curfew, I suggested it as her cousin has been told she can come home at 10. They would be coming home in the dark together so I thought it would be better at 8 because it's lighter but on reflection 10pm is ok.

The WhatsApp tracking thing was something I thought I could ask her to switch on (never used it before) because I don't know any of her cousin's friends. But mainly because I would feel very panicky if she or her cousin didn't answer their phones.

Her cousin had a social worker recently and has ran away to friends a few times after arguments with her parents, and also between her parents. My DD would prefer to visit her cousin when the parents aren't there as she says they have a toxic relationship and and she feels awkward being there when the family are arguing. The parents are abroad at the moment, and have agreed my DD can stay.
My DD's 22 year old cousin also lives there and she goes out to work but will be in charge.

OP posts:
UserStillatLarge · 06/08/2021 08:19

My 17 year old goes out at 8pm ...

As others have said, you are being far too controlling.
Look at it this way ... if she stays in the house all the time (is this from her choice??) then you can keep her safe. But is this how you want her to live her life?

SavageBeauty73 · 06/08/2021 08:23

Even 10pm is ridiculous for a 17 year old. I went to Kavos with friends at 17 and didn't have a mobile phone.

I mean this kindly but you need help for your anxiety.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 06/08/2021 08:24

At 17.5 people are transitioning from CAMHS to adult services so she's probably too old for a referral now anyway. Not making a judgment on whether a referral is necessary or not.

Bubbles1st · 06/08/2021 08:26

She could literally move out at any point and you wouldn't be able to stop her, I think this is good practice of letting her go....

Lockdownbear · 06/08/2021 08:29

Op what are you going to do when she turns 18 and starts frequenting pubs and nightclubs? And heaven forbid going on dates.

Give her some freedom!

cricketmum84 · 06/08/2021 08:30

Some really harsh responses on here OP. I hope you haven't taken them to heart.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I had managed to keep a lid on my anxieties until my DC started high school and were travelling alone. I know all too well that fear you feel when they start doing their own thing. But I do suggest you look into some counselling. I went through some talking therapy and started to understand that I have a need to control everything due to past experiences. When things aren't in my control (such as who the DC are out with and where) I start to panic. You sound very similar.

Yes you do need to let her go, she's almost an adult now.

Re CAMHS - they have very long wait times at the moment, young people's mental health has really suffered recently and I don't imagine she would be seen before she turns 18. I would suggest looking into coping strategies for when she gets angry or frustrated and discuss these with her. My eldest DD goes for a run when she feels angry, it just gets that excess anger and energy out.

Lockdownbear · 06/08/2021 08:31

With the tracking you'll end up putting her in a more dangerous situation by planking the phone somewhere or going out without it.
Very few old fashion phone boxes around.

gogohm · 06/08/2021 08:40

Yes! In a year she's likely to be leaving home to live with strangers

Nonmaquillee · 06/08/2021 08:42

You added at the end, as if it were an afterthought, that she’s biting herself (=self harming). You’re suffocating her.

For God’s sake let her start having her freedom. She sounds really sensible.

LemonRoses · 06/08/2021 08:49

cricketmum84 My responses could be construed as harsh. Not as harsh as the damage being done to a child though.

You can’t stop feeling what you do, but you can get support, do CBT and decide not to let your behaviour affect and potentially destroy your child’s health. It’s not a condition that removes insight or an ability to make decisions with consideration of the effect on others.

I sincerely hope they have been taken to heart.

CallMeNutribullet · 06/08/2021 08:49

Your anxiety disorder, your DD self harming, your DN having a social worker and a toxic atmosphere at home... your entire family is clearly hurting and your just perpetuating whatever trauma has been inflicted on you onto the next generation.
You need to get help for your anxiety. My 8 year old has an 8pm curfew.

Whosbooze · 06/08/2021 08:57

My curfew was 2130 aged about 10! You're behaviour is dangerous op.

Whosbooze · 06/08/2021 08:57

Your*

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/08/2021 08:58

What @LemonRoses said. She's 17, not a child, she won't suddenly become adult on her 18th birthday.

OldTinHat · 06/08/2021 08:59

Just let her go! She's 17, not 7!

HunkyPunk · 06/08/2021 09:01

Think of it this way, op. Children would never learn to negotiate the word without taking risks. Your role as a parent is to be both a teacher and a safety net when they are young and climb to the top of the climbing frame/learn to ride a bike/ learn how to cross the road on their own, not to stop them doing it.

The older they get, the more your role should become advisory (if asked), and always, always a safety net, but only in terms of them knowing you're at the other end of the phone, if it all goes tits up.

I used to expect my older teens while they were living at home, to let me know their plans and approximate timings, not to ask my permission to go anywhere. It's for parents to worry, which I frequently did, and for older teens to live their life. They are and should be forging off on their own now, not being corralled by our inevitable anxiety. Once they went to uni, I knew nothing at all of their movements, which was probably for the best, by the sound of subsequent anecdotes!

gamerchick · 06/08/2021 09:02

Hmmm my mother was quite controlling like that. I left home at 16.

You're going to drive her away OP, you need to get help for your issues.

54321nought · 06/08/2021 09:05

The smoke weed. They are breaking the law, inflicting brain damage on themselves, associating with criminals and people traffickers and supporting a slave based industry.

No, they don't get to spend time alone together unsupervised.

Nanalisa60 · 06/08/2021 09:13

She is seventeen not seven !! Please its time to cut the umbilical cord, let you girl fly give her some freedom, because if you don’t she might just run for the hills and not look back.

PotteringAlong · 06/08/2021 09:18

At 17 me and my friend went to Devon for 2 weeks and you’re looking for an 8pm curfew?!

HunkyPunk · 06/08/2021 09:22

@54321nought

The smoke weed. They are breaking the law, inflicting brain damage on themselves, associating with criminals and people traffickers and supporting a slave based industry.

No, they don't get to spend time alone together unsupervised.

You're not wrong, but I'm afraid weed will be among the least of what's available to them at uni and in the wider world. They've got to learn to dodge bullets for themselves, eventually, and that won't happen if they are forcibly prevented from indulging in any slightly risky behaviour as a teen.
Reluctanthospitalnag · 06/08/2021 09:24

My 17 year old DD has been to an air bnb with friends this summer, is going to a hotel with her boyfriend and 2 festivals.

I’m always absolutely terrified something will happen to her but she’s 17 and needs to live her life not be restricted by my anxieties!

MarianneUnfaithful · 06/08/2021 09:31

It is good that you are acknowledging that your anxiety is driving most of your worry about this.

And of course your Dd should not be charged trolled by your anxiety.

But there are some actual concerns about the cousin’s behaviour… but you seem confident in your Ds’s level of common sense and good decision making.

The Uber account is a good idea.

Tell her to think ahead about anything they choose to do and let her common sense be her guide, and send her off with your blessing.

Is there another adult she could call if she feels unsure about something? Unfortunately she is possibly unlikely to call you if she feels in anyway unsure and in need of an adult voice because she will know (in a kind way) that she will likely trigger your anxiety. Can you say if ever you need help call Dad / Aunty X / A.N.Other trusted adult?

Sometimes the offspring of non-anxious parents prefer to run troubles past another adult first. My nephew did, despite having the most calm supportive loving parents.

MarianneUnfaithful · 06/08/2021 09:32

Controlled, not ‘charge trolled’